Fake It

by Mia Ford

  Uh oh. We’ve reached the drunk stage where all the stuff we keep buried deep down comes flying out like bullets. This is the time that I need to get her the hell out of here before she crumbles. She’s got a lot to cry over, many sad things from her past that I don’t think she’s fully dealt with. Here and now isn’t the time to start that process, it’s much too public for a meltdown.

  “You aren’t that at all,” I tell her firmly. “You’re a wonderful girl who deserves the world. Now get into the car and let me get you home, okay? You’re tired and you really do need some rest.”

  I hold onto her as I slide the care door open and as I do she leans up against me, trusting me with every inch of her body weight. A smile plays on my lips as I see her there, looking up at me with complete love and wonder in her eyes. Even through the intoxication she is the most stunning woman that I’ve ever seen in my life. I feel a deep compulsion to lean me head down to kiss her. My heart pounds, I know that it’s wrong, but there’s such a deep need that I want to, just for a second.

  I do it. As almost an instinctive reaction, I dip my head towards her and I press my lips up against hers, soaking her in, inhaling her, breathing her in as I do. The memories of last night flood my mind and make me feel wonderful. This is simply a snippet of what things could be like if things were normal with me and Pru, if we were just allowed to be together.

  Eventually, I pull my head back and I smile at Pru. The rest of the world melts away into nothing and the only two people left are me and her. It’s perfect, for just a moment I can feel the warmth of the sun beating down on my shoulders, as if it’s the middle of the day rather than night time.

  “Logan!” All of a sudden, a much too familiar voice bursts my bubble and shocks me to my core. “Logan, is that you? I didn’t think you were coming out tonight.”

  “Hey!” Drunk Pru calls back. “That’s Hank from the center, from the kitchens.”

  Fuck. My heart falls into my shoes and my stomach drops too. If he’s seeing me now then he probably saw me kissing Pru too. And I kissed her, that must was very obvious, I can’t even pass it off as her drunkenly making a move on me. Shit, shit, shit. The cover that I’ve worked so hard to build up has been blown, and now… now I’m fucked. The only hope I have in the world is to get the fuck out of here right now. I need to leave, to escape, to break free and to hope that Hank is either too drunk to remember this is the morning, or that he assumes it isn’t me.

  “Get in the car,” I warn Pru in a long voice. “Get in the car now, we cannot be seen.”

  I don’t know how much of that gets through, she certainly doesn’t look as worried as she should do, but she does as I command. She falls across the back seat of the car and lies there almost asleep so I leave her there. My heart races in my chest, the only thing I can think of is driving away rapidly. Hank is still yelling at me as if he’s desperate to get my attention but he’s not going to get it.

  “Fucking hell,” I mutter as I slam the car into gear. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, get out of the way!”

  Drunks spill out into the road but soon move when they realize that I might actually run them over if they don’t. I know I’m not thinking straight, I feel like I might be crazy, but it barely matters.

  I drive much too quickly, my breaths fall out of my mouth ragged and panicked. I expect to calm down the further away I get but I don’t. If anything, I get worse. Hank knows me, he knows my car, now I can see that running away was never going to work. I should have stayed and explained myself somehow. I don’t know how I would’ve played it off, but doing nothing is worse.

  What the hell am I going to do tomorrow? I think while I drag my hands through my hair. The job that I’ve worked so hard to protect is now in real danger and I have no idea what to do. I am in the wrong, there’s no denying that, there’s no escaping it. I’m going to be yelled at, screamed at, fired probably and there isn’t a damn thing that I can do about it. I don’t even know how I can defend myself, but I’ll have to try. Maybe the truth will do it, maybe the admitting that we’re really into one another will make it better. They know me, surely, they’ll know that I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t important…

  I turn to see Pru passed out on the back seat, snoring lightly and guilt crushed me painfully. She’s gotten herself dragged into this without really knowing how messy it’s going to get and now we’re about to really find out.

  Chapter Twenty Four – Prudence

  “Urgh, no,” I groan as I roll over in the bed. “What the hell is this? Why do I hurt all over?”

  My head pounds, my stomach churns, my eyes ache as I try to prize them open to face the real world. At this moment in time, my brain is a deep black hole. I can barely remember anything properly. What happened? When did I get so ill? What have I been doing?

  “Logan?” I groan while propping myself up onto my elbows. “Logan, are you here?”

  I don’t get any response, there’s nothing but silence. I’m definitely in his home because I recognize it more than anywhere else in the world, but it seems that I’m here by myself. I blink a few times, glancing around the room as I do, and my eyes soon find a giant pint glass of water next to my bed. One that I definitely didn’t put there but that I need desperately. My mouth is painfully dry and my throat feels raw. Someone – well, Logan, because it can only really be him – has anticipated my needs before I even know what they are. He’s amazing, absolutely incredible. I’m so damn lucky.

  I grab onto the glass and I suck the water back like there’s no tomorrow. I glug it down hard and fast, loving the ice cool sensation as it fills me up, healing me in some small way.

  If this is what it feels like after drinking, then I don’t understand it at all.

  As I swing my legs over the bed, small sparks of memories fill my brain. Alice, Becky, and me drinking, laughing, dancing the night away. It was fun at the time, I had a real blast, but this is clearly the punishment that I get for that. I don’t think it’s worth it after all. How the hell did my dad do this all the time? How did he cope with this crippling pain after drinking?

  As I walk, a new feeling floods me, almost knocking me from my feet. I’m absolutely consumed by the need to be sick, to get all this booze out of my system, so I run to the bathroom at the speed of light and I crouch to the floor, gripping onto to toilet bowl and the burning hot vomit spills past my lips. It hurts, it aches, it wrecks my stomach, but in a way, it’s a relief too.

  “Never again.” I mutter to myself with a small sharp shake of my head. “Never, ever again.”

  Once I’m sure that I’m done being sick, I stumble into the kitchen where there’s a note and a whole selection of drinks. From fizzy pop to orange juice. Logan is a pretty tidy man, he normally keeps everything locked away in the cupboards, so this has to be for me.

  ‘To Pru,’ the note reads. ‘You must be feeling like hell today, hangovers are the most unpleasant side of drinking! Here are some drinks to get you through the morning, whatever you fancy, and make yourself something nice and heavy to eat, like toast.’ The thought of food makes me gag, but I keep on reading regardless. ‘I’m at work now because I have some stuff to sort out…’ As I read that line, I get a flicker of something in my brain, but the thread is too thin for me to grasp onto. It’s gone before I can know exactly what it is. I have a feeling that it’s something to do with the center, but that might just be my addled brain all mushing up. ‘Also, I think last night has taught us that you really need a cell phone. There’s one of my old ones for you in the box in front of you. It isn’t the latest model, but it’ll do until you can get your own. It’s better than nothing…’

  I reach across to the box and I slide it open. Inside the cell phone there makes me heart skip a beat. It’s way better than anything I would have got for myself, this is the most amazing thing ever! I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him. I don’t deserve someone so amazing.

  Tears ball up in the corner of my eyes, but they’re happy tears. I real
ly feel like this is my life picking up and improving in the most incredible way. I finally have it all and I’m only eighteen years old, I only just got out of the center and already I’m doing amazingly. I can’t believe it.

  ‘Here is Alice’s number, or it’s the number she called me from last night anyway. You should message her and let her know that you’re okay. Luckily for you, you have the day off work today so you should veg out and sleep it off. Make yourself get better. I will see you soon, yours Logan.’

  The tears fall, I’m unbelievably touched. Logan has done more for me than anyone else I’ve ever known. I understand that he has to work but I wish he was here right now with me. I wish I could hold him close and finally just tell him that I love him. I’ve kept it inside for too long. Maybe tonight I’ll finally let those words free. I’ll say to Logan I love you.

  Before I can sob like a freak, I call Alice. I could just text her but there’s a deep need inside of me to call her, to hear her voice, to check that I didn’t embarrass myself last night.

  “Hello?” she answers curtly. “Alice speaking, who is this?”

  “It’s Prudence,” I reply raspily. “Just letting you know that I’m alive today. I don’t feel like I’m part of the living, but I’ve survived it. My God, do hangovers always feel this bad?”

  “Prudence! Thank goodness. I’ve been worried about you.” She sounds genuinely happy to hear from me which manages to make me smile. “I’m just on my break at work now and I was just about to call that guy who came to pick you up to check on you. Did he take you home okay last night?”

  I don’t know if I should worry about Logan when it comes to Alice. I know that we’re supposed to be keeping us a secret, but that’s only from people at the center, surely? Alice is fine.

  “Yeah, I got home okay, I think I pretty much just passed out to sleep as soon as I got in. Urgh I’m so glad that I don’t have to work today. Every time I move I want to vomit again…”

  “He’s nice, isn’t he?” Alice interrupts, ignoring my last remark. “Logan, I mean.”

  “Yeah, he’s great. I’m lucky to know him. I don’t know how I would have got home otherwise.”

  “How do you know him?” I can hear her crunching an apple while she talks. It’s distracting and hurts my head even more. I really do need to lie down! “Is he your boyfriend?”

  “He’s…” Shit, how the hell do I explain this? And did I say too much last night? Maybe I told her the truth and now she wants to know if I’ll say the same in the sober light of morning. “He’s a friend… I like him, but I don’t know if he’s… you know, my boyfriend, or whatever.”

  “I would warn you to be careful around him because he’s so much older than you, but I don’t think I have to. I think that you have a spell over him and he treats you amazingly.”

  Alice’s lovely comments warm me up. I like the idea that I might have a hold over Logan. He certainly has one over me, so it’s much better to learn that might be a two way thing.

  “Right, Mr. Turner is giving me the stink eye so I better go back to work. I’ll speak to you later on, okay? You rest up today and take care of yourself. It gets easier, trust me. Much love!”

  As soon as Alice hangs up the phone I punch her number into the contacts list and stare at it. I never thought that I would be here, the girl with a cell phone and a friend’s number in it. I quickly connect the phone to the Internet and I grab Logan’s number off there too so I have two numbers on my list. I rub my thumb over the name on my screen, loving even looking at his name.

  ‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru,’ I type out, needing some communication with him wherever I can get it. ‘Thank you so much for all the lovely things that you’ve done for me today. I appreciate it. X’

  I pause for a few moments, half expecting a reply but I don’t get one. I suppose that makes sense since he’s working. It’ll be hard for him to message me completely undetected. So instead I gather up the drinks and I head back to the only place that I want to be today, and that’s in bed. I definitely need to sleep this off. There’s no way I can feel better until I get some more rest.

  I stagger over to the bed and collapse into it with my eyes closed once more. I shouldn’t be tired again, I’ve had a damn good night of sleep, but I am. Maybe it wasn’t a proper sleep, maybe I pretty much just passed out, I’m not too sure, but weariness is overcoming me again.

  At least I have pleasant dreams of Logan to get me through the day. I always have them, and now I have some real life fact to base the fantasies on as well. When I first started dreaming about him, it was childish lust, an obsession, but now it’s definitely real adult love. I adore having that delicious sensation in my heart, and I cannot wait to share it with him.

  ***

  Hours pass, I don’t know how many. Mostly I sleep, but sometimes I get up for something to eat or to have a little walk around. The time does help to heal me, but I still feel like crap for most of the day, even when I step into the shower. I do know that drinking is something that I never want to do again. It might be fun at the time, but this is not worth it. I can have a good time without it.

  Eventually, I move myself over to the couch and I flick the TV on to watch some mindless movie. There’s a detective drama on, but one that doesn’t take too much imagination to work out who committed the crime, so it’s perfect for me to just lose myself in for a while.

  As I half watch the show, I keep checking my cell phone, expecting some communication from either Alice or Logan, but I get nothing. The fact that Logan hasn’t even snuck off for a second to reply worries me actually, it makes me wonder what on Earth is going on with him today. In the letter that he left me he said something about needing to sort some stuff out today at work, and I can’t help wondering what. I just have this weird sensation that it’s something to do with last night and that I’m to blame. I have guilt for something that’s really nothing more than a black hole in my mind, one that I can’t recover no matter how hard I try. I’ll feel better when he’s here and I can just know that all is okay. With that safe feeling that Logan always gives me, I know I will only feel good with him here. It always does.

  He’ll be here soon, I tell myself with determination. Here to make it all better. I just need to make it until he arrives, that’s all. I can do that.

  I can do that…

  Chapter Twenty Five – Logan

  I don’t bother to wait to be called into the office, the anticipation is far too much. Whatever’s going to happen to me, I need to just know. There’s no way that I can act normally until then. I have to get it over and done with. I also want to get in there to argue my case, just in case it helps.

  “Well, hello there, Mr. Banker,” my boss, Alexandra, comments coldly as she sees me. “I’m glad that you’re here. It saves me calling you in for a meeting which we need to have.” She indicates towards the chair on the other side of her desk. “Please, take a seat. We have a lot to discuss.”

  Ice cold bolts of fear dart towards my stomach, freezing up my veins as they do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so freaked out in my whole damn life, this is horrifying. My behavior, my actions, have brought me here. It’s time to face the consequence and I hate it. It scares me.

  “Right, Mr. Banker, I think we both know that you have a lot of explaining to do, don’t you?”

  The glare that she gives me bores right into my soul. I feel like she sees me for who I really am and she doesn’t like who I’ve become one bit. I shuffle uncomfortably on my chair, wishing I hadn’t come after all. Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t come here at all today.

  “I can explain, honestly,” I insist in the strongest voice that I can manage. “Please, you have to just hear me out. I can see how this doesn’t look good, but it isn’t what you think…”

  “So, you weren’t caught kissing Prudence Evans? One of the children that we had here at the center? You haven’t acted in a way that absolutely violates everything?”

  Shit, fucki
ng Hank. Why couldn’t he just talk to me about this? Probably because I ran away.

  “What happened with me and Pru doesn’t violate anything, she isn’t here anymore…”

  “And you think that matters?” Alexandra bangs her hands angrily against the desk. “You think it matters whether she’s here or not? She was brought here as a child, on her thirteenth birthday, after experiencing trauma at the hands of her father. You were her therapist for years… does none of this sound wrong to you? Does it seem okay that you’re kissing her days after she’s released from here?”

  “Well when you say it like that, it doesn’t sound great, but nothing happened until she left…”

  Alexandra sighs loudly and shakes her head. “That isn’t strictly true though, is it?”

  “Nothing happened,” I insist. “Honestly, absolutely nothing happened. I wouldn’t do that…”

  “When I got this troubling news, I instantly knew that I had to look much deeper into it and what I found was disturbing. Emails between the two of you, via the Internet provided here at the center.” Oh my God, I can’t believe it! I should have known this would happen. The Internet is all monitored, if not all the time it can be accessed, for the protection of the people here. “You were encouraging feelings from her the entire time. Even while she was here. Do you understand now?”

  Admittedly I’m silenced by that, I don’t know what to say. She’s right, I’ve acted inappropriately the entire time. I knew that I was risking everything for Pru and I didn’t care. I guess I never thought that it would really catch up with me, but it has. All of it.