Changing Hearts

by Terri E. Laine

  Time to finish this. “Make your decision, Shelly.” My voice, my words, whatever, it brought her focus to land on me again. “Of course, you can always choose option four, and walk right out that door.”

  Never one to back down, my little spitfire turned briefly to look at Ash, then back in my direction. “No, Sawyer, it’s time for you to choose.”

  TWO

  Shelly - past

  Mom moved around the room with purpose.

  “We’re moving again?” I asked, exhaling a breath so long, so full of suffering, that she took a moment to turn back to glance at me when she gave her head a little shake of agreement.

  “But what about school?” I’d just settled in and found a solid group of friends. That wasn’t easy. The vetting process had taken months before I felt like I could trust any of them.

  “Your brother wants to go back and you’ll get to be with your friends again.”

  My friends, the ones I hadn’t kept up with. Who knew if they would be the same? Too much time had passed and I’d faded into their memories.

  “What about Dad?”

  She didn’t stop, but she did meet my eyes. “He’s staying here,” she said before glancing away. “I have to go back for Nana. He’s got to work.”

  Dad had moved us from Texas to Chicago to join a premier law firm. Nana was ill and Mom was the only one of her siblings who wasn’t tied to a job, who could take full-time care of her. But I’d heard the fights between my parents when they thought they weren’t being loud.

  “Are you guys getting a divorce?”

  That stopped her. She straightened and her eyes softened. “No, honey. Dad has several cases and he needs to be here. He’ll come when he can.”

  I wanted to believe her. Even though I only had a short time at home before college, I didn’t want to be another statistic. So many of my friends’ parents had separated. I didn’t want to have to choose who I spent holidays with. Selfish of me, but there it was.

  Too soon, we were packed and shipped off like priority mail. By the following weekend, I sat on the back porch at my grandmother’s with a tall glass of iced tea. No one was home. Mom was checking on our old house. We had renters, but their lease was up soon. Just another thing that made it all seem a little too convenient that we were moving back. My brother, Greg, was gone with some girl he’d left behind. She’d shown up with a smile and promise. It didn’t take a genius to know what they were up to.

  “Hey.”

  I blocked the sun with a hand to see Roy, my brother’s best friend. He raked a hand through dark brown hair and cocked a lopsided grin that used to make my heart race. Not anymore, but somehow I managed a smile. “Hey back,” I said.

  “Is he around?”

  “Greg? No. But I suppose you know that.”

  He shoved his hands in his jean pockets and stared at the ground.

  “Just spit it out, Roy. Why are you here?”

  “Shelly…”

  I decided to help him out. “Shelly, I’m sorry for kissing the first girl I’d come across after you left,” I mocked. “Did you even wait until our boxes were packed before you moved on? Or maybe you didn’t wait at all. Maybe you were cheating on me all along when you told me those rumors I heard about you weren’t true.”

  Roy had been my first kiss. He might have been my first everything if not for Dad’s poor timing on our move to Chicago.

  “Shelly…” That wasn’t an answer. I shifted away from him. Why had I ever bothered to trust him? “Did you tell him about us?”

  “Who? Greg?”

  He nodded emphatically.

  “That’s all you care about? Well lucky for you, I know he’d kill us both. So no, I didn’t.” His sigh came out as a whistle. I stood up on a stair to stare him down. “Did you ever give a shit about me?”

  “Jesus, Shelly, of course I did. But truth be told, I was never good enough for you.”

  “Is that the lie you told yourself?”

  I shoved at his chest, hating him for breaking my heart. Part of me had cheered coming back home. Roy would be here. I could forgive him for being a guy and dating someone else. It wasn’t like we promised to wait for each other. But I hadn’t expected him to move on so fast.

  He pushed a hand through his thick hair—hair I remember grabbing onto while he kissed and ground against me in the back of his parents’ car. Thank goodness we’d been fully clothed and that was as far as it had ever gone.

  “What do you want from me? I’m never leaving this shit town. I’ll probably end up working with my dad at the plant. You deserve more than that.”

  If I were the forgiving sort, I’d accept the sincerity in his expression. However, the feeling that he’d ripped my heart out of my chest hadn’t gone away.

  “Just leave, Roy.” Tears spilled from my eyes. He’d made me feel good about myself during the year we dated in secret before we’d moved to Chicago.

  He reached out a hand…to do what? I didn’t know.

  “Go,” I said again.

  When he turned, I vowed never to let one guy hold that much power over me again. I wouldn’t be my mother. I wouldn’t be that old version of myself. I would be more: better, pretty, smarter. And that worked for a while. I hadn’t met my match until my freshman year at college.

  THREE

  Sawyer

  Strolling through the house, I wondered how my brother could call this my graduation party when just as many of his friends were here as were mine.

  Tomas stood on the coffee table, already shit-faced, with a tray laden with white power and pills on it. “Who’s ready to party tonight?” His announcement was met with cheers as bodies of people descended on him.

  I walked past the kitchen where Mom passed out drinks like a seasoned bartender. Shaking my head, I waded through the bodies, searching for Ashton. My best friend was probably hiding in a corner somewhere.

  Before I reached him, the one girl I’d fantasized about for as long as I could remember stepped into my path, holding a red cup in her hand.

  “Sawyer,” she said, eyes filled with amusement…or she was drunk.

  She was shorter than me, and her dark hair slipped over her shoulder as she glanced up at me. She was so pretty I could barely utter her name.

  “Julie.”

  “If you keep looking at me like that, I might think you like me. But we all know Sawyer Cargill doesn’t stay with one girl long.”

  No other girl was worth it but her.

  “That’s what they say.”

  She bit her lip in that way of hers. “I’m going to find Ash.”

  Disappointment reigned. I glanced away, hoping she didn’t notice it written on my face. “Yeah, sure.”

  Today of all days, I didn’t want to be alone. And for once, I wanted to spend time with Julie all by myself. There was so much I finally felt brave enough to say. In two days, she’d be gone to Yale, and Ash and I would be at Layton.

  I ducked in a room not yet taken over by the party. In a cabinet, I found Dad’s good stuff. The unopened bottle of Lagavulin would dull the ache in my chest.

  Ashton

  I hated parties. The house was brimming with people. The long sleeves I wore didn’t stop the occasional brush of someone against me. It made my skin crawl. I wanted to scratch away the feeling of ants marching up and down my arms.

  No matter how hard I tried to avoid being touched, there were just too many bodies in the house to be avoided. The noise in my head grew to a crescendo. I needed to find Sawyer and fast before I bolted.

  “Ashton.” I glanced up to find Mrs. Cargill staring at me. “Do you want a drink?”

  I shook my head until I remembered my words. “No, ma’am.”

  She reached up and stopped before pushing the hair out of my face. She glanced at her hand, having realized her mistake. Horror leaked into her expression before it smoothed out. Her arm dropped.

  “Okay, well, you know where the bar is.”

  I did. When she turned a
way, the barrier she’d created by standing in front of me disappeared. So did I, apparently. People bumped into me again on their way somewhere.

  Sawyer was nowhere. His brother stood on a table with a cup in one hand and a tray of something in the other. Whatever he said had the crowd’s attention. I used the moment of distraction to wade my way through what felt like a maze of thorn bushes.

  “Ash.”

  Julie’s bright green eyes caught mine. I stood when we met somewhere in the middle. I glanced down at her. Her smile was big and her gaze a little glassy.

  “Have you seen Sawyer?”

  Her grin dropped as did her chin. “Yeah. I think he’s in the den or study.” She pointed behind her. “I just thought we could talk.”

  “I have to find Sawyer first.”

  Her eyes widened when she remembered. “It’s today, isn’t it?”

  I nodded.

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I can’t believe I forgot.”

  She spun around and I used her as a shield. He wasn’t in the study. Instead, we found him in the den with an empty bottle in his hand, lids shut, spread on the sofa. I closed the door behind us, not wanting anyone to come in.

  The sound of the click had Sawyer awake and staring at the two of us. His gaze passed over me and landed on Julie. His smile did that lopsided thing it did whenever he saw her.

  “Julliiee,” he slurred.

  She glanced at me as if I could read his moods before going to sit next to him. I settled in on his other side.

  “You didn’t save any for us,” she chided.

  The hand with the bottle lifted and pointed toward a cabinet. “There’s more in there.”

  Julie got up and cracked open another bottle. After drinking some, she held it out. I took it before Sawyer could. His hand came down on my leg like a lightning strike. Julie’s head shot in my direction. But the anxiety didn’t come. In fact, Sawyer patted me a few more times, proving once again he was my exception to everything.

  “Thanks for coming, man,” he sang.

  The voices that normally bellowed in my head when I was touched were quieted by his. I’d learned that years ago when he found me lying in the grass, a secret only between the two of us. Even though Julie had made our group a trio, I’d never fully let her in. Her eyes bounced between the two of us.

  Trying to hide my feelings, I drank way more than I should have. My heart sped up like a thousand riderless horses in the midst of a stampede. Sawyer hadn’t moved his hand and Julie continued casting furtive glances in our direction. I held the bottle out to her, but Sawyer took it. He downed way too much before passing it on to Julie, who grimaced with her next swallow.

  It wasn’t long before the bottle was empty and my head swam like bees around a hive. Julie pulled a baggie out from somewhere.

  She held it up like a prize. Sawyer leaned over and rested his chin on her shoulder.

  “What did you bring?”

  “Cookies,” she replied.

  “You baked us cookies?” he asked as I acted like a spectator to their conversation.

  “Special cookies. I found Mom’s stash.”

  Julie’s mom was a born-again hippie. She believed weed was the cure to everything.

  Sawyer reached up and snatched the baggie. When she tried to get it, he leaned over, invading my space like a conqueror of lands. Somehow the uncoordinated drunk bastard opened the bag and pulled out a cookie before Julie practically crawled into his lap to get it back. He offered me a bite.

  “You know you want some,” he teased.

  Even wasted, Sawyer had a way of getting what he wanted. When his hand slid up Julie’s back, I nearly took his hand off biting into the cookie. He laughed and stuffed the rest in his own mouth, licking at the spot where my teeth marks would have been.

  Julie finally wrangled the bag away from him, but he clamped his hand on her hip, not letting her get away.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he said.

  His eyes were so unfocused Julie laughed, not believing his words. He wasn’t lying. She had this way about her and never had a bad word to say about anyone. She was loyal and trustworthy and the prettiest girl I’d seen.

  “You’re drunk,” she replied.

  “So are you. Isn’t she, Ash?”

  Our gazes met and she said, “Am I?”

  Talking wasn’t my thing. I could hear the words in my head, but when I said them out loud they sometimes got tangled up. I nodded.

  Her smile brightened ten shades.

  “Summer’s almost over,” Sawyer said. “Remember that time I asked you to marry me?”

  Julie’s head fell back and she laughed. “I still have that ring.”

  “I meant it, you know.”

  Suddenly I felt like an intruder. Of course, I knew how he felt about her. Girls came easily for him, in every sense of the word. However, Julie was untouchable in his eyes.

  He was so entranced by her mouth, he didn’t seem to notice her staring at me.

  “Would you marry me?” she asked.

  Sawyer answered for me with a bellowing laugh. “You can’t marry him without marrying me.”

  She turned toward him. “Why?”

  “Because he can’t fuck without me.”

  I blinked. That was a secret we hadn’t shared with her.

  “So the rumors are true?” she asked.

  He nodded and I watched as his fingers skimmed under the hem of her shirt and eased up her back. I envied the easy way he could touch another person. She arched her neck and he leaned in, doing what he did.

  “Let me have you,” he said. Then he corrected himself. “Let us have you.”

  His hand drifted around to her rib cage, where he stroked a thumb over her tit. Her eyes rolled back and she whispered a “yes.” I wasn’t surprised. He had a magic about him, probably because his parents were an open book about sex talk in their house. It wasn’t treated as something dirty. He’d been given an education in the subject early when his dad found out his brother liked boys a little more than he could handle. His mom had done damage control by explaining that love transcended race or gender. They’d also been given access to books in their home library with titles like The Joy of Sex. Sawyer used this knowledge to his advantage.

  Tonight, he didn’t waste time. Julie was almost naked before I caught his glance and knew what he wanted me to do. I went and locked the door to ensure no interruptions.

  By the time I turned around, his shirt was off and his head was between her legs. Her tits bounced as she rocked up, smashing his face in her pussy. I stood at the end of the sofa, watching. She writhed beneath him, eyes closed as she screamed out.

  Sawyer pulled back with a stupid grin on his face. He reached in his pocket and came up with a condom or three. He stood only long enough to get his pants off. Then he was back between her legs.

  “I’ve wanted this forever,” he said, not wasting any more time.

  His muscles bunched as he slid into her, taking what he’d been fantasizing about. The tips of her tits, rosy and hard, begged to be touched. I wanted to reach out, but fear conditioned in me stilled my hands.

  Sawyer, not having the same problem, took care of it for me. He bent over and sucked one into his mouth only to pull back. Next thing I knew, she was on all fours. One hand grabbed at my jeans. I took a step back, afraid, before nervously unbuttoning them myself. Sawyer and I had this down to a science, but Julie was different. And I couldn’t spoil it by letting her touch me. Things would go very badly if she did.

  “Look but don’t touch,” Sawyer instructed, but smirked at me.

  Sure she’d gotten the message, I took a step forward, mesmerized by Sawyer pounding into her.

  “Ash,” Sawyer said, tossing me a condom. It would be my turn soon.

  Momentarily distracted, I didn’t have a chance to stop Julie before my dick was in her mouth. I waited for the feeling of a thousand bee stings to erupt where her hand wrapped around me. I
nstead, a burst of lust I’d never experienced before took my cock from semi to rock hard in under a second.

  My body was charged in a way it never had been. Everything in my head was quiet. I wanted to celebrate. So I gave in to the power alcohol and weed-laced cookies had given me. I leaned across the distance and kissed Sawyer square on the mouth.

  I will never forget the few seconds he kissed me back. It was the first time I’d willingly kissed another human being.

  Stunned, I pulled back, afraid this would all be over. Surely he would curse me to hell and back and Julie would leave in disgust.

  Sawyer’s half-lidded gaze connected with mine, a grin on his face. “Did she dare you to kiss me?” He sounded blitzed out of his mind, but somehow his rhythmic pistoning inside her hadn’t been affected.

  Guilt and fear had me nod, unable to voice the lie. He laughed, unconcerned with my moment of bad judgment.

  “Switch,” he announced. “It’s Ash’s turn.”

  He pulled out and turned her to face him for a long kiss before falling back on the sofa with her on top. I ripped the condom open and quickly got it on, feeling bold. Then I did something I’d never done before. I reached and took her hips in my hands and pulled her back so I could slide in.

  Her skin was soft and I allowed myself to explore it with my fingertips. Joy, more than lust, consumed me. I wasn’t the freak everyone thought I was. I was capable of touching another human being other than Sawyer.

  I leaned over and kissed her shoulder at the same time her insides clamped down on my dick to spasm around me. I shot off, exploding inside her. I came like I’d never come in my life.

  The room began to spin. I had enough wits about me to pull out before collapsing on top of her. Julie was boneless too, rolling off the couch in a fit of giggles, ending up halfway to the cabinet. I face planted where she’d been, barely having the strength to move.

  “Fuck, don’t stop.”

  Before I knew what was happening, Sawyer’s eyes closed, head cocked to the ceiling. He grabbed a fistful of my hair, bumping his dick to my lips. Shock pried my mouth open. Outside of that, I don’t know what came over me. I allowed him to invade my mouth. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been manhandled before. But this is Sawyer.