After another minute, the doctor shut off the screen and wiped Kat’s belly. “I’m so sorry.”
Kat gasped, tears spilling from her eyes. “Why?”
I gripped her hand tighter and stepped right beside her, leaning down to kiss her forehead.
“I don’t know. I didn’t see any complications during your pregnancy. We would have to run some tests to find out why.”
We sat there for a moment, just taking in what the doctor just confirmed. Our baby was dead. We were so close to having her, but we would never see her beautiful smile or hold her tiny little hands in ours. She was gone before we ever got to meet her.
“What do we do now?” I asked.
“Well, you have a few options. We can wait until you go into labor naturally. That usually takes about two weeks after the baby has passed-“
“You want me to walk around, carrying my dead baby for two weeks?” Kat asked incredulously. Tears were streaming down her face and I could see she was on the verge of hysterics. I wrapped my arm around her, trying to give her some comfort.
“That’s one option, Katherine. We could also induce labor. I would break your water and then it would take up to forty-eight hours for labor to begin. You would deliver the baby vaginally.”
Kat gasped like she was being stabbed. I just stared at the doctor. I couldn’t believe this was over, that we were standing here and the doctor was telling us our child was gone. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle any of this. All I knew was that the woman I loved was in tears and she was hurting. I couldn’t stand to see her cry. I couldn’t stand that I couldn’t help her.
“I’ll give the two of you a moment alone,” the doctor said before leaving the room.
I sat on the edge of the bed facing Kat and took her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “Hey, we’ll get through this.”
“I don’t want to get through this,” she cried, her sobs breaking up her words so I could hardly understand her. “She can’t be gone.”
“I know, Kat. I know, this sucks.” I pressed my lips to her forehead, trying to comfort her in some way, but I knew I was failing. There was no way for me to bring even an ounce of comfort to her. The child she had been carrying all these months was gone just like that.
“This sucks?” she spat. She shoved me back off the bed, her rage taking over. “We just lost our baby and you think this sucks?”
I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say to her. It wasn’t meant to be a flip comment. My ma had always told us that when something bad happened, it sucked, and it was going to continue to suck until it didn’t anymore. Because one thing my family knew for sure, empty platitudes meant jack shit when you were hurting. There was no comforting a person that was hurting. There was nothing you could say to make it right. There was only acknowledging that the situation sucked and there was nothing you could do to make it not suck.
“Kat, that’s not-“
“It’s not like the Cubs lost the World Series; that sucks. This is our child.” More tears spilled down her cheeks and her whole body heaved and shook. “She’s gone and all you can say is that it sucks?”
I stepped back, running my hand along my jaw. I didn’t know what to say to her.
“I want my mom. Can you please call her?”
“Kat-“
“Please,” she whimpered quietly.
I stood there, my mouth slightly open as I tried to think of something else to say. But she rolled to her side, shutting me out. I swallowed hard and left the room, my whole body feeling like it was slowly shutting down. I leaned against the wall in the hallway and took in everything. I felt the tears building, but I refused to shed them right now. Kat needed her mom, and I would focus on getting that done. I just had to take things one at a time. I pulled out my phone and dialed her mom’s number.
“Oh my gosh!” she answered excitedly. “Is it time?”
Pain ripped through me. Of course she would think it was time. I only had her number for emergencies. My throat constricted as I tried to get the words to come out, but nothing happened. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. When she didn’t hear anything, her voice grew quiet.
“Eric, what’s going on?”
“She…We lost the baby,” I croaked out.
I heard her gasp, but I shut out everything else. I couldn’t sit here and listened to her tears over the phone. I was in my own kind of hell right now. I didn’t have it in me to comfort her mother.
“We’re at the hospital. We need to decide where to go from here, but she’s asking for you.”
“I’ll be right there. I’ll call her father and have him meet us there.”
I nodded, then realized that she couldn’t see me. “Thank you.”
I hung up, sliding my phone into my pocket. I should make some more phone calls, but I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do now. I didn’t trust myself to go back in that room and not fuck it up again. But she was in there all alone. She needed someone, even if that someone was me.
I pushed the door open and went to her side. “Your mom is on her way, and she’s calling your dad.”
She didn’t say anything. She just stared at the wall, facing away from me. She was blocking me out.
“Kat, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to downplay this. I just…” I sighed and sat down beside her on the bed, sliding my hand across her arm until I was gripping her hand in mine. She didn’t squeeze mine back or even acknowledge I was there. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to be induced,” she said after a minute. “I can’t walk around with her inside me for two weeks. I can’t…”
“I know,” I said quietly.
“You don’t know,” she said in a low voice. It was like there was nothing inside her anymore. There was no emotion, no anger, just a blankness to her. I liked it better when she was pissed at me. She was no longer crying. I could see the tear tracks on her face where they had dried, but her eyes were dead as she stared at the wall.
“What can I do?”
“Tell the doctor.”
I nodded, standing and giving her a kiss on the cheek before I walked out of the room. The doctor was waiting outside for me, a kind look on her face.
“Did you decide what you’d like to do?”
“She wants to be induced.”
“Okay. I’ll get a room for her. Do you have any family coming?”
“Her parents are on the way.”
“Okay,” she smiled slightly, her hand reaching out to touch mine. “I’ll make sure that the nurses know they’re coming. As soon as the room is ready, we’ll put you in there and get started.” She started to leave, but then turned back to me. “This is going to be very hard on all of you, and it can take some time once we induce labor. I would suggest once her parents get here that you go home and get anything you might want while you’re here. Clothes for the baby, a blanket, comfortable clothes for Katherine…”
I nodded, but that was difficult to do. We already had a bag packed, but we had assumed that when we brought it to the hospital, we would be bringing our daughter home in those clothes. We had assumed that she would be wrapped in the blanket my mom had made. Now I was going to bring that to the hospital and put our dead baby in those things. I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
I returned to the room and sat at her bedside, placing my hand on her hip. She stiffened at my touch, but didn’t say anything. I wanted desperately to place my hand on her stomach, to feel the tightness of her belly, but I didn’t think she would appreciate the gesture. In this moment, she hated me, and I had to let her have those feelings, because she was on overload right now. My feelings didn’t matter. I may be the father, but I didn’t carry this baby for almost nine months. I didn’t feel all those kicks inside me or deal with the aches and pains. So even though I was dying inside, I kept it to myself and pretended like every moment of this wasn’t killing me.
Katherine
I was numb. The initial pain I felt was
gone and now all I felt was blank. I was choosing not to think about what was coming. If I thought about it, I would break down in tears again, and I didn’t want to keep crying. I just wanted to space out and pretend like none of this was happening.
They moved me to a private room, and I knew that Eric was there, but my mind just wouldn’t acknowledge him in any way. I didn’t blame him for what happened. If anything, this was my fault. I was the one carrying our child. I was the one that was supposed to protect her. I had failed, and maybe that’s why I was shutting him out. I didn’t want to hear him tell me that I had failed, or worse, that none of this was my fault. Deep down, I knew that I had done something wrong. I knew that I hadn’t done enough. Maybe if I had stopped working like he asked, everything would be fine. Maybe if I had removed all the stress from my life, she would still be here with me. But I hadn’t done that, and now I was paying the price.
“Honey.”
I heard my mom’s voice, but I didn’t react. Warmth flooded me momentarily, but then it was gone. My mom was here and she would know what to do, but I couldn’t seem to actually function beyond acknowledging that she was in the room with me. She walked around the bed to stand in front of me. Pulling up a chair, she sat down and stared at me with a sad smile. There were tears in her eyes, but she didn’t cry. Her hand stroked my hair, then moved to my back, rubbing up and down in soothing strokes. It was just like when I was a kid and I was sick. I would be leaning over the toilet and she would just stand there and rub my back. It was the most comforting feeling in the world right now.
My eyes slipped closed and I just focused on her hand moving on my back. As long as I focused on that, I wouldn’t fall apart. But the more she rubbed my back, the more my feelings hit the surface. The first tear slipped from my eyes and then more. I choked on a sob and reached out for her hand, squeezing it tight. She didn’t say anything. She just sat there with me as I fell apart again.
“Where’s Eric, honey?”
I shrugged. I didn’t care at this moment. I was still angry for his flip comment. I couldn’t be around him. He once again proved that we’re just too different.
“I think he should be here with you.”
“I don’t want him here,” I mumbled, trying to hold back more tears.
“Did something happen?”
I refused to speak about it. I just wanted to lie here and forget this was happening. But that wasn’t realistic. The doctor had already broken my water. Now I was just waiting for labor to begin. How long was I going to have to wait? I had tried not to think about what it would be like to go through labor, to deliver a baby that wouldn’t be alive. It was heartbreaking to think about.
“What do you need, honey? What can I do for you?”
“Just sit here with me.”
She nodded and stood when the door opened. I knew immediately who it was. I could feel him in the room, just like I always had. Only this time, instead of excitement, I just felt dead inside. I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing him, so I didn’t roll over or let him know I knew he was in the room. Mom’s eyes flicked up to his and I watched as heartbreak covered her face. For him. I couldn’t stand to see it, so I shut my eyes.
“The doctor said that I should run home and grab the baby’s things, anything we want her to be dressed in or blankets.” His voice broke and he stopped speaking for a minute. “I know we packed a bag, but is there anything you want me to get?”
I shook my head slightly. I couldn’t think about that right now. I could barely even form a thought.
“Alright, I’ll be back soon.”
I felt him move closer and my body tensed when I felt his hand hover over my arm. If he touched me, I might just snap at him and say something I couldn’t take back. I felt him move away and my body relaxed. When the door closed, Mom turned her gaze on me, confused and distressed.
“Honey, what happened? I thought things were going so well.”
I didn’t want to talk about it. I was afraid that she would get upset with me and think my reaction was stupid, and maybe it was, but this was how I felt right now. I needed to be angry at someone and with his stupid comment, he made it easy for me to take out my anger on him.
“When the doctor told us, he held me and…he said it sucked.”
My mom didn’t say anything, just stared at me for a moment. “I’m sure he didn’t mean-“
“It doesn’t matter. You should have heard how he said it. It was like his favorite team just lost a game or something.”
“Honey, everyone deals with grief in their own way.”
“Mom, we just found out our baby was dead. Hearing that it sucked was crossing a line. I don’t care if he didn’t know what to say. That was just…” I shook my head slightly and rested my head back down on the pillow. “I don’t want him in here with me.”
“Honey, he has every right to be in here. That’s his baby too.”
I knew she was right, but I just couldn’t deal with him right now. Everything was falling apart. I couldn’t deal with him on top of everything else. I knew that he had wanted this baby, but maybe he was relieved this happened. He wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore. He wouldn’t have to be stuck with a woman he never wanted. He would have a shot at his perfect family now, one that didn’t include a woman he knocked up after meeting in a bar. Maybe this was all for the best. Maybe none of this was ever meant to be.
Eric
I stepped out of the truck, slamming the door behind me. I was still in shock. Just yesterday, we were happy. We were making love and planning out our family. Now that was gone and Kat didn’t want anything to do with me. I stumbled to the porch and took a seat on the steps, barely holding my head up as the heartache ripped through me. This house was supposed to be where we started our family, but instead, it was going to be empty. I already knew that Kat would push me away. I knew she never wanted to be here with me. It had just happened that way. But now that the baby was gone, she would leave me.
I hadn’t realized how much I loved her until this moment. I always thought that fate just made our connection happen. I thought I was just destined to be attached to this woman, but I never expected that I would fall so deeply in love with her. I never thought that she would come to mean the world to me, that I would have trouble breathing when she wasn’t around me. But as I sat here and realized that everything would change between us now, I couldn’t help but think that there should have been something I had done sooner, to make her realize that I wanted her, and not just because of the baby.
The door opened behind me and heavy footsteps came down the stairs. “Is everything okay?”
Joe sat down beside me. He already knew something was wrong. I could tell in the way he spoke to me. Call him a pain in the ass or whatever, but he was family and he always had my back.
“We lost the baby.”
I felt his hand on my shoulder and it almost broke me. I had to be strong for Kat, but here, sitting on the porch with my brother, I knew that it didn’t really matter if I cried. I ran my hand over my face, catching the tears as they started to fall.
“I wanted that baby so much.”
“I know, man. How’s Kat?”
I huffed out a laugh. “She kicked me out. I told her that this sucked and she took it as me not thinking this was a big deal. Now she won’t talk to me.”
“Did you explain?”
“Would it have mattered? She needs someone to be angry with.”
“Yeah, but that’s harsh. You should be there with her.”
“I needed to get our bag,” I said, swallowing down my tears. Sitting here crying about this wouldn’t make any difference.
“Have you talked to Ma?”
“No, I called her parents. I just…I couldn’t…”
“I’ll take care of it. I know they’ll want to be here.”
I didn’t say anything. I just stared at my hands, thinking about how I would be holding my daughter soon, but then I would have to say goodbye. All my
hopes and dreams had just gone up in smoke in the blink of an eye. I pushed off the stairs and headed inside. As much as I wanted to hide out and pretend like none of this was happening, I had to get back to the hospital. Even if Kat didn’t want me in the room with her, I would still be there.
I walked upstairs and into the baby’s room. It was like a sledgehammer to the chest, walking in there and seeing everything we had planned. The room was ready. We were ready. But none of that mattered anymore. There would be no child to rock at night. There would be no reason to have the baby monitors anymore. The clothes in the drawers would never be used.
I grabbed the bag off the floor and set it on the dresser. I opened it and went through everything we packed for our little girl. There was a pretty dress for her to wear home, but as I looked at it, I hated that dress. I dug through the drawers until I found the pink swaddle sack. That’s what I wanted her to wear. I wanted her to be wrapped in warmth. I never wanted to think of my baby girl being cold. I packed a onesie that said Mommy and Daddy’s little girl. She would have a piece of us with her always. Then I packed the blanket my mother had made. She would be wrapped in the love of my family and she would always feel all the love that we had for her.
Next I packed the rattle I had made for her. It was just a wooden rattle, but I had handcrafted that for her. I couldn’t stand to look at it every day. If it was with her, she would have a piece of me with her at all times. The last thing I grabbed was the giraffe that Kat had picked out for her. She had said that she didn’t want our daughter to have the typical teddy bear. She wanted something fun for our daughter, so that she always knew wild and adventurous things.
I went to our bedroom and picked up the bag that Kat had packed for herself. I wasn’t sure what she had packed, but if she had intended to wear it, that’s what I would bring for her. When I packed it all in the truck, I stopped when I realized that the car seat was already installed in my backseat. I stormed to the back and tore it out of my truck, throwing it across the yard as I screamed out my pain. Next was the cradle for the car seat. I yanked that out and flung it as hard as I could, heaving hard as I stood there and watched the thing plop on the ground.
Maintenance Required: A small town romance (The Cortell Brothers Book 1) Page 26