Shaking my head, I took a deep breath and got back in my truck. I had to get back to the hospital. I knew it would be a while. They said it could take up to forty-eight hours for labor to start. The next few days were going to be painful.
I pulled up to the hospital and grabbed the bags out of my truck. I couldn’t just walk up to her room. I had to check in first. It was required before entering the hospital. The nurse looked me up, smiling as she saw the bags in my hand. I just stared at her numbly. Her smile disappeared when she looked at the screen. That’s what the rest of my life would be. People looking at me with smiles on their faces until they realized the truth. They would ask about the baby, and then immediately give their pitying looks when they realized our little girl was gone.
“You can go on up.”
The door buzzed and I walked through the doors, knowing that the next time I walked through them, I would be heading home, without my daughter. I took a deep breath and made my way to the elevator. The ride up took forever and was way too fast all at the same time. When I stepped out onto the floor, the nurses all glanced at me with pitying looks, but tried not to stare. I felt like everyone knew exactly what was happening, and they probably did. I wondered which of them drew the short straw and had to be the nurse that would be there with us as we delivered a baby that would never take a breath.
I walked down the hall to our room, but when I got there, Kat’s dad was waiting outside the room, his arms crossed over his chest. I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn’t going to let me in.
“Sir, I know you’re just doing what she asked, but I need to be in there with her.”
“She doesn’t want you in there. I can’t let you in.”
I clenched my jaw and tried to be patient. “With all due respect, that’s not just her child. She’s mine too, and I deserve to be in there with her, dealing with this loss with her.”
He looked down and sighed. “I know you have the right to be in there, but my baby girl is hurting right now, and there’s not a damn thing I wouldn’t give her right now to make the pain go away. I need you to respect her wishes. Please don’t make me call security on you. You can wait in the waiting room and I’ll keep you updated on everything that’s happening.”
I shook my head slowly. I couldn’t believe this shit was happening. I wanted to storm in there and demand that she let me be there with her. I wanted to wring her neck for denying me what was rightfully mine. But I also couldn’t stand to be the one that caused her even an ounce of pain. I knew this was killing her, and if me not being there helped her in any way, I had to give it to her.
I held up the bags for her dad to take and swallowed my pride. “If she needs anything…”
“I’ll come get you,” he promised.
I nodded and turned for the waiting room. I sat there for hours, just waiting for any word of what was happening. I looked up when footsteps approached. My brothers, aside from Derek and Josh, were all there. My hands shook as I stood. My heart started thumping hard in my chest. I took deep breaths, trying to control my erratic breathing. Robert pulled me in for a hug and I broke, gripping the back of his shirt and pulling him tight against me. I buried my face in his neck when I felt my other brothers place their hands on my shoulders and back. Everything was falling apart, but even with all that, I knew I would be okay because I had my family with me.
I stood there, surrounded by my brothers for a good half hour. I couldn’t pull away. I couldn’t speak or do anything. I wasn’t even sure if I was holding myself up or if they were doing it for me. When I finally pulled back, I had to clasp my hands together to try and stop them from shaking. I swiped at my face, removing the tears from my face.
“Mom and Dad are on their way,” Joe said.
“Thanks,” I croaked out.
“Why are you out here?” Will asked.
I shook my head slowly. “She doesn’t want me in there.”
“Bullshit,” Robert spat. “This isn’t just about her. You’re the father. You have every right to be there. Hell, I’ll find a judge that can order you in the fucking room if need be.”
“And accomplish what?” I asked tiredly. “Make a suffering woman feel more pain?”
“But why doesn’t she want you in there?”
I shook my head slowly. “When we found out, I didn’t know what to say, so I said what Ma always used to say to us. I guess I should have explained, but I’m just so used to hearing it that I didn’t think. She took it the wrong way. She thought I was saying it like our baby didn’t really matter. And she’s in too much pain to try and understand. So, I’m out here and the woman I love is in that room hurting.”
“I’m sorry, man,” Andrew said. “What can we do?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do.”
Five hours later, Derek stepped off the elevator and rushed over to me. He stopped in front of me, unsure what to do. I tried to think of something to say. I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do, but I had nothing.
We weren’t a family of huggers, Derek least of all, so I was shocked when Derek stepped forward and wrapped me up in a hug. He patted my lightly and I felt him shaking his head.
“I’m so sorry, man.”
I nodded, not able to speak.
“How’s she doing?”
“Not good.”
“Then why the fuck are you out here?”
I sighed heavily. I was tired of explaining why. I walked over to the windows and stared out at the people below. Someone was walking out of the hospital on crutches. There was someone beside him, holding flowers that were probably meant to cheer him up. I wondered if they worked. Another couple was leaving the hospital. I could see the woman laughing. Everyone down there was just going about their day. They had no idea that we were up here, that Kat was losing her baby, that my life felt like it was being destroyed. Everyone just moved on with their lives, because this didn’t touch them, and I hoped nothing like this ever did. I rested my head against the window and let my eyes slip closed.
“Eric?”
I turned around to see Chrissy standing there.
“What are you guys doing here? Is Kat in labor?”
I tried to muster up some kind of response, but I couldn’t. I just stared at her. It was like the life had gone out of me. I couldn’t even answer a fucking question anymore. My eyes drifted away from her face until I was just staring off into space. I heard one of my brothers come over and fill her in, but I wasn’t listening. I felt her squeeze my arm and then she was gone.
Hours passed, but I didn’t hear anything from Kat’s dad. I was tempted to go back there, but numbness had set in. Suddenly, not being in there seemed like a really good thing. I wasn’t feeling anything right now. It was like I was immune to the world around me. I mostly stared off into space, not even thinking about anything. I could almost imagine that I didn’t even exist as the rest of the hospital continued to move on around me.
“No!”
The piercing scream cut through the haze I was in. I looked over at the hallway, my heart beating a little faster as I replayed that scream over and over again in my head. Had I imagined it? Then I heard it again. It was a gut-wrenching, terrified scream that had me pushing out of my chair and running down the hall to Kat’s room. Her dad stood at the doorway, blocking it, keeping me from getting to Kat. I could hear her sobs through the door, each one ripping through my heart and shredding me wide open. Her dad fought me off, struggling to keep me from getting in the room, but I was no longer myself. Kat was in there and she needed me.
“Get off me!” I shouted, fighting to get her dad out of the way.
“She doesn’t want you in there!”
“She needs me. Can you hear that?” Her moans were digging into me and piercing my soul. I couldn’t respect her wishes anymore. I needed to get in there and hold her.
“She doesn’t want you,” her dad spat. Then Derek was there and he was pulling her dad off me, tossing him up ag
ainst the wall like a rag doll. I didn’t pay attention to what happened after that. I shoved inside the room and took in the sight before me. It broke my fucking heart.
Katherine
I had refused an epidural. I wanted to feel every ounce of this delivery. I wouldn’t have the beautiful moments every other mother would have. There would be nothing to wipe away the pain of delivery, ensuring that I would remember this moment for the rest of my life. The nurse urged me to have the epidural, saying that the delivery for a stillborn baby would be much harder on my body than a regular delivery, but I just ignored her. I had been in labor for most of the day now. I didn’t know how long it had been since the doctor told me she was gone. Everything seemed to be a blur, except for labor. That was so intense that it was crystal clear in my mind.
My mom hadn’t left my side since she got here. My dad came in to check on me from time to time, but he mostly stood outside my door like a guard dog. Part of me wondered if I should let Eric in. I needed him, even if I couldn’t admit it out loud. But I was scared. I was afraid that he would blame me for losing our daughter. I was afraid that he would be angry with me for basically ignoring him since we found out. There were so many things I was afraid of that I just couldn’t handle thinking anymore. So, I focused on labor and let everything else slip from my mind.
Another contraction hit and I started breathing through it. Since I didn’t have an epidural, I could get up and walk around whenever I wanted. I paced the room, my hands gripping my back as the pain tore through my abdomen. I breathed in and out slowly, taking deep, cleansing breaths. With every hour that passed, the contractions got worse, and with it, a deep ache that settled in my chest. I wanted this to be over, but as soon as it was over, reality would hit. My little girl would be born, but she wouldn’t be coming home with me.
A sob ripped through me and I leaned on the counter, trying to hold myself up. My mom rushed over to me, placing her hands on my shoulders.
“It’s alright, honey.”
I shook my head, knowing nothing about this would ever be right. My baby was gone. Eric and I were torn apart. No, there was nothing in my life that would ever be right again.
The door opened and Chrissy walked through, a sad expression on her face. As soon as I saw her, I started sobbing again. She rushed over to me and wrapped me in her arms. This was really happening. The more people that showed up, the more real this became. It wasn’t just happening to me, though it really felt like it.
She didn’t say anything. She didn’t try to smother me with placating words. She just held me as I cried. But she wasn’t really who I wanted. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.
I didn’t say anything for a long time. Chrissy just sat with me and watched me with every contraction. I knew that she couldn’t sit here all day with me. She probably had to get to work. I finally turned to her and gripped her hand.
“Thanks for coming.”
She knew I wasn’t asking her to stay. She gave me a hug and made me promise to call her when the baby was born. It stung, but what else was she supposed to say?
The pain got so much worse over the next few hours. I was beginning to regret not getting the epidural. I thought I wanted to feel all of this, but now I wished I was just numb. I walked as much as I could, but eventually, I was too tired and had to lay down. Every contraction hit harder than the last and the tears that I was trying to keep at bay were now streaming down my face. I knew I was close to delivering this baby.
When the nurse came to check on me again, she gave me a sad look and told me it was time to push. That was when I lost it. Pushing meant my daughter would no longer be inside me. It meant that I would have to say goodbye. It meant that I would never feel her inside me again, but I also wouldn’t get to take her home.
I started shaking uncontrollably and when the nurse started shifting me into a new position, I lost it. I started screaming and yelling, anything to get her to leave me alone.
“Katherine, if you can’t calm down, I’m going to have to sedate you.”
But I couldn’t hear her. I saw the needle that she was holding and I knew she was going to put it in my IV. I started writhing around on the bed, tears streaming down my face as I fought to keep her away from me. The door flung open and Eric rushed into the room, a look of horror on his face when he saw what was happening.
He rushed to my side and grabbed my hand, yelling at the nurse to stop. I was sobbing so hard, sweating from the hours of labor. I was a mess, but he was staring at me with all the love in the world.
“Kat, listen to me.” He cupped both sides of my face and forced me to look him in the eyes. “You can do this, okay? I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
I sobbed harder, gripping onto his shirt. He pulled me against him and stroked my back. I tensed as another contraction hit. It was the most painful one yet. Eric gripped my hand and brought it to his mouth, giving my hand a kiss.
“I’ve got you. We’re going to do this together, okay?”
I nodded against him, still sobbing into his shirt, but he didn’t seem to care.
“Katherine, I need you to get ready to push, okay?” the doctor said. “I know this is terrible and I know you don’t want to do this, but I’ll be with you every step of the way. We all will. We’re going to deliver your beautiful girl and then you can hold her.”
Hold her. I could hold her. I nodded and let them shift me into position. When they told me to push, I did as they asked, but it hurt too much.
“Eric, why don’t you sit behind her to support her?” the doctor suggested.
Eric climbed onto the bed behind me and pulled me back into his hard chest. I instantly felt comfort wrap around me, and I felt like I could do this. Eric’s hand moved to my forehead and he pushed my hair out of my face. Then he gripped my hand in his and we prepared for the next push.
“Alright, when you feel the contraction, start pushing.”
I nodded and when it hit, I pushed as hard as I could. The nurse nodded and told me I was doing well, but it didn’t feel that way. I waited for the next contraction and pushed again. Over and over, I pushed, praying for the agony to end. My body hurt, but my soul was crushed. I started crying, not feeling like I could do this anymore. I was exhausted and my heart hurt so bad.
“One more push, Katherine,” the doctor said encouragingly.
I nodded and pushed one last time. It felt like the baby just slid out of my body. Silence filled the room. I closed my eyes and cried as Eric wrapped his arms around me. Where there should be a baby’s cries, there was only deafening silence. My body shook with sobs, but Eric was there, holding me close to him.
The nurse took our child over to a table and cleaned her, then wrapped her in a small blanket and put a hat on her head. My face crumpled as I watched her treat my baby with all the gentleness of any other newborn. She picked her up gently and walked over to me, a slight sheen of tears in her eyes.
“Katherine, meet your baby girl. She’s so beautiful.”
She lowered her down into my arms and I held her for the first time. I wasn’t sure if I was holding her properly or not. The first time I was holding my child, and she wasn’t even really here. I smiled down at my precious girl, tears pouring silently down my cheeks.
“She’s so beautiful,” I whispered.
Eric was pressed tightly to my back, looking over my shoulder at our little girl. “She’s got her Momma’s beautiful face.”
I had thought of this moment many times over the past few months. I imagined holding her hand and having her squeeze it back. So, even though I knew nothing would happen, I picked up her tiny hand and pushed my finger into her hand. She didn’t squeeze me back like I had imagined. There was no cooing or weird baby noises. There was only silence.
I was barely aware of the doctor still working on stitching me up or finishing up with everything else. I just sat there in Eric’s arms and held my little girl.
“What should we name her?�
� Eric asked.
I shook my head slightly. I had thought about names for months, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to decide until I saw her. Now that she was here, there was only one thing I could think of.
“It’s not a name, but I think we should call her Angel. Because that’s what she is now.”
Eric kissed my cheek and then brushed his knuckles down her little face. “Angel.”
I could feel his chest shaking behind me. He was hurting too. “Do you want to hold her?”
I looked back at him, the tears soaking his face, but he shook his head. “Take your time. I can hold her later.”
So, we sat there, our family of three that would never be whole. We stared at our little girl, knowing that soon we would have to give her up.
“I think she would have been an artist,” I said after a minute. “A painter.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “She would have sat on the porch at the house and painted sunrises and the snow on the ground in the winter.”
“And she would have been the kid that came home with scraped knees every night and her hair a mess,” Eric smiled. “But she would have grown up to be one of the most beautiful women in the world. And she would have met a man that was smart and cherished the ground she walked on.”
“And he would have been responsible,” I smiled up at him. “Just like you. Because she would have been a daddy’s girl and she would want someone just as amazing as you.”
His eyes were intense and he swallowed hard, leaning in to press a kiss against my temple. Then he leaned his head against mine and together we watched our baby sleep. Because that’s how I had to see it. She was sleeping, and she would be for the rest of her life.
Maintenance Required: A small town romance (The Cortell Brothers Book 1) Page 27