Eric
“Here,” Kat said quietly. “You can hold her now.”
“Are you sure?”
She nodded. “I’m tired. I need to lay down.”
“Do you want us to lay in bed with you?”
A stuttering breath left her chest and she nodded. I helped her shift into a more comfortable position and then laid down beside her on the small bed. I rested our Angel on my chest, just like I thought I always would. I stared down at her, wondering what it would be like to feel her chest move up and down on mine. I would never know. I rested my large hand on her back, shifting my eyes to the ceiling as I felt my eyes filling with tears. I swallowed hard, trying to hold it all in. Kat had just started to calm down. I didn’t want her to start crying all over again. There would be enough of that when they took her from us.
Kat wrapped her hand around mine and gave a gentle squeeze. I took a deep breath, choking down the sob that was rising in my throat, but the more she held my hand, the harder it was to keep those feelings at bay. I wanted my child. I wanted the life that we had planned. How was I supposed to just let go of all that and pretend like none of this ever happened? How would I walk into work every day and do my job?
“I always pictured this,” I choked out. “I imagined laying on the couch at home with our baby on my chest. I thought about those first two weeks at home with her after she was born. You would sleep in after the baby kept us up all night, and I would sneak into her room in the morning and take her downstairs so she didn’t wake you up. And I would have this time alone with her, where I could just hold her and feel her tiny body on my chest.”
I closed my eyes and felt the weight of her on my chest. But it wasn’t anything like I had imagined. She wasn’t wiggling around or making little noises. I would never see her face scrunch up when she was about to cry. I would never hold her over my shoulder and walk around with her when she couldn’t calm down. This was the only moment I would get with her.
Hours passed with Kat and I staring at our Angel. I knew they would be coming soon. I knew we couldn’t stay like this forever. I wanted our parents to get a chance to meet their granddaughter before they took her away.
“I should get everyone. I think they’d like to meet her,” I croaked out.
She sniffled and nodded slightly. “Okay.”
I gently moved her onto Kat’s chest and pressed a kiss to her tiny cheek, my tears slipping onto her tiny body. I glanced up at Kat, pressing a kiss to her forehead before I walked out the door. Once I was in the hallway, I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath and then another. I didn’t want my family to see me crying like this. The pain was overwhelming. I just stood there, breathing in and out, trying to regain some sense of control.
I felt a strong hand on my shoulder and looked up to see my dad standing in front of me, tears in his eyes. He gripped my shoulder tightly, pulling me toward him. I wrapped my arms around my dad and broke. The tears fell heavily and chest constricted with the pain. He just stood there holding me as I fell apart again.
“I want her back,” I cried.
“I know, son. I know.”
After a minute, I pulled back and swiped at my face. “I was coming to get everyone. I thought…you’d like to meet her.”
My dad nodded. “I’ll get your mother and Katherine’s parents. When we’re done, I’ll send in your brothers.”
“Thanks,” I said, still trying to dry my face.
“You’ll get through this,” he said after a minute. “You’re the strongest man I know. It may feel like you’re broken now, but time will heal that pain.”
It didn’t feel like that would ever happen, but I nodded anyway. When he went back to the waiting room, I opened the door to our room and watched Kat as she stood by the sink, giving our child a bath. She was running the cloth over her body, taking extra care with her little toes and belly button. When she was done, she took a towel and gently dried her off. Then she pulled out a bottle of lotion and started rubbing it into her skin. When she was all done, she put a diaper on our baby and then gently put on the onesie I had packed. She leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. I could see the tears slipping down her face and the way her body shook. She looked like she was barely hanging on. I walked into the room and wrapped my arms around her from behind. Her hand gripped my forearm, as she cried.
“I didn’t see the dress,” she cried.
“I took it out,” I admitted. “I wanted her to be in something warm. I didn’t want to think about her being cold.”
I felt her nod. “Thank you.”
“Let me help you.”
Together, we put her in the swaddle sack, leaving her little hands out for now.
“There, now she’ll always be warm.” I picked her up and held her against my shoulder, cradling her head in my big palm.
There was a knock at the door and our parents entered. Now that they were here, I didn’t want to give her up, not when I had so little time left with her. But they needed this as much as Kat and I did. We weren’t the only ones losing Angel.
Ma walked forward first, her cheeks a little red from crying, but she was smiling at me. “Look at you. I always knew you would be a great father.” It felt like a punch to the gut. Ma wrapped her arms around Kat and me. “It may not feel like you’re parents, but you are, and you always will be. You’re just parents that had your baby taken from you way too soon.”
She stepped back and placed her hand on Angel’s back, right by my hand.
“She’s absolutely beautiful. May I hold my grandchild?”
I nodded and passed her over, then pulled Kat into my side. Both of us watched as my mother lovingly held our daughter, staring at her as if she was the most precious thing in the world. When she was done, Kat’s mom came over and held her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. One by one, everyone took their turns holding our little girl. Kat’s dad started tearing up when he realized how tiny she was in his big hands. My dad gripped my shoulder while he held her in one arm. When they were done, my brothers came in, each taking a turn holding their niece. I could tell that Kat was overwhelmed and needed some space.
I turned her in my arms, wrapping her up and rubbing her back. “Do you want to lay down for a little bit?”
I felt her nod against me and led her back to the bed, helping her in and then pulling the blankets up over her. She looked so fragile right now, like one more thing would break her, and I had a feeling that when they took Angel from us, that would be what did her in.
“Rest, baby.”
I kissed her forehead and then turned back to my brothers.
“You’re one lucky man,” Robert said. “She’s beautiful. I’m glad you got this.”
“But I don’t have her,” I croaked out.
“You know what it’s like to have the most beautiful thing in the world. I know she’s gone, but you got to feel that love. That’s something that no one can ever take from you.”
He was right, and I knew eventually I would feel that way, but right now, the pain was too intense. I backed away and watched as they all took turns holding her, pointing out her cute fingers and her little nose. As much as I didn’t want this to end, I needed it. I wanted to take Kat home and…I wasn’t sure. I just couldn’t stand the visitors anymore. I was emotionally drained and so fucking tired. I had been awake for days, waiting for labor to kick in and then for Kat to deliver. Something had to give.
The nurse came in a little later. It was time. I knew it before she said it. Ma came back with her, a small smile on her face. She walked over to Kat, placing her hand on her arm. Kat turned from where she had been staring out the window.
“Sweetie, it’s time, but I thought that before they…before they take her, we could get some pictures of all of you.”
Kat nodded slightly, but didn’t look too happy about any of it.
“I know this doesn’t sound like something you’d want, but you’re going to want to remember this day and look bac
k on Angel. And one day, you’ll be able to smile when you look at her picture.”
The photographer came in and positioned Angel in Kat’s arms, showing me where to stand. Picture after picture, we looked down on our little girl, knowing these pictures would only bring us sadness. It felt like torture. But Ma was rarely wrong about anything, so I went along with it, even though it was tearing my heart out.
Katherine
I was drained. Wrecked. Destroyed. I was tired of the company. My body was begging for sleep, for me to drift off and just forget all of this. I was sad and angry at the same time, and I never knew from one minute to the next which feeling would take over. I wanted to just get this over with and say goodbye. Delaying the inevitable almost made this more painful, but I also dreaded saying goodbye.
I wanted to have a private funeral for our little girl, so the hospital would have the funeral home pick up her body and prepare her for burial. But I couldn’t stand the thought of her being buried across town, away from us where I couldn’t watch over her. She should be close to us.
“Eric.” He turned to me, taking his eyes off Angel. “I want her buried under the tree in the back yard. I don’t want her to be alone.”
“I don’t know that that’s possible, but I’ll have my dad look into it.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
I rested my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes. I was so tired. It was already late afternoon. It seemed like I had been in this hospital already a week. I had no concept of time. I wasn’t sure when the last time I had eaten was. There was nothing but the deep ache in my chest. Would it ever go away? Would I ever feel like myself again, or would I always feel this empty?
“Kat, it’s time,” Eric said quietly.
I sat up in bed as he placed Angel in my arms one last time. I wasn’t ready to let her go, but I also felt like there was nothing more I could say to her. I had spent hours thinking of her, talking to her, wishing that this was different. But nothing would ever be the same again. There were no words left to tell her. So, I stared at her. I said a prayer that she would be taken care of and feel no pain ever again.
“I love you more than anything in this world,” I whispered. I kissed her cheek one last time and lifted her up to Eric. I watched as he held her, but he seemed to feel the same way I did. It was time and we both knew there was nothing more to do or say. He pressed his lips to her cheek, brushing his knuckles along her cheek one last time.
“I love you, Angel.”
He handed her off to the nurse, who put her in a bassinet and rolled her out of the room. I watched as Eric seemed to deflate right in front of me. It was over.
“I want to go home,” I said quietly.
Eric nodded. “I’ll go tell the nurse.”
He walked out of the room, leaving me alone in the room. Instead of laying in the bed any longer, I got up to pull on some clothes, but my body was so exhausted that I couldn’t do it. Frustrated, I sat on the edge of the bed and started pulling on my pants. I was tired of being in the hospital gown and sitting on the bed. I never wanted to see another hospital room again. I sighed as I thought of going back to work, seeing all those little kids in the hospital, in there waiting to die. Because, let’s face it, most of the kids that came to the hospital for extended periods of time never left. But I couldn’t think about that now.
Eric came in, seeing me struggle to get on my clothes and rushed over to help. His face was emotionless and cold. Throughout the day, I could see everything he was feeling, but it was like the moment they took Angel, he just turned blank.
“Katherine, are you sure you want to go home tonight?” the nurse asked as she walked into the room. “You’ve had a long day. Maybe you should stay one more night. The grief counselor hasn’t been by yet and-“
“No offense, but I’ve seen enough of this hospital. I want to go home and sleep in my own bed. I don’t want the reminder of the place where I lost my child. I don’t want to see any more nurses or be looked at with pity. I just want to go home.”
The nurse nodded. “I’ll have the discharge paperwork ready soon.”
I packed up what little I had, all the while Eric sat in a chair by the window and stared outside. His finger ran across his lip, like he was thinking about something, but I had no idea what. This past day, I had seen more emotion out of this man than ever before. I was pretty sure that when we left this hospital, he would no longer be so open with his feelings. Everything would change now. Would I continue to live with him? I had just sold my townhouse. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I wanted to stay with Eric, but I wasn’t so sure he felt the same way. After all, we were only together because of the baby, and now she was gone.
The nurse brought a wheelchair for me, and as much as I didn’t want to sit in it, I also knew that I was too exhausted to walk. I sat down and Eric wheeled me through the hospital. I saw people that I worked with. It must have gotten around the hospital that I lost the baby. Everyone was looking at me with sad faces. That’s what this would be like for me now. I would never escape this. I would always be the woman that lost her baby.
I leaned my head on my palm as we made our way out to the front. Eric locked the wheels on the wheelchair and came around in front of me.
“I’ll grab the truck and bring it here.”
I wanted to argue with him, but I didn’t have it in me to walk across the parking lot, let alone five feet in front of me. I nodded as he walked away. Someone walked past me, giving me a faint smile and a wave. They were probably being polite, but it pissed me off that someone would be smiling at me right now.
The truck pulled up and Eric rushed around, grabbing the bags and tossing them in the back. Then he helped me stand, but when my legs shook and I almost collapsed, he swiftly picked me up and carried me to the truck and set me inside. When he got in, he sat there for a minute, like he was waiting for me to say something, but I had nothing to say.
I could tell he was watching me, so I looked out the window. I couldn’t stand him staring at me, wondering if I was okay. I wasn’t okay, and I doubted I ever would be again. The motion of the truck had me slipping off to sleep. I didn’t wake up until the truck stopped outside the house. I was so tired though. I didn’t think I could wake up enough to get inside, but it didn’t matter. Eric opened the door and slid his arms under me, cradling me against his body. I took his strength, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face against his shoulder.
When we stepped inside, I heard Andrew and Joe asking if I was okay, but I ignored them and so did Eric. He took me upstairs and shut the door behind us once we were in the bedroom. Instead of setting me down by the bed, he took me into the bathroom and started stripping off my clothes after setting me on the toilet. This wasn’t like the other times he saw me naked. Everything was different now. I had the belly of a woman that just had a baby, but no baby to show for it. I felt ugly and disgusting.
Eric stripped off his own clothes and pulled me into his arms. He wasn’t hard like I expected, and I couldn’t help but wonder if that was because he didn’t find me desirable or because of what happened. Even though I knew that he was hurting, my mind was telling me that it was because he didn’t like what he saw.
“We’re gonna get through this, Kat.”
My eyes slipped closed as I snuggled further into his body, taking his warmth. He pulled me into the shower, but I didn’t feel like cleaning up. I was exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed. As if he sensed that I just didn’t have it in me, he started rinsing my hair and then shampooed it. His gentleness was touching. The way he ran his fingers through my hair made me feel like I was something to be cherished, to be cared for. When he started washing my body, the tears started. They silently trailed down my face as I stood under the water and Eric took care of me. When he was all done, he shut off the water and wrapped a towel around me, drying my hair as best he could. He even attempted to brush my hair.
When I slipped into bed, the overwhelming gr
ief settled inside me again, but I didn’t feel like crying anymore. There was just a numbness to it all. Eric laid down beside me and pulled me into his arms. I settled against his chest, hearing the steady beat of his heart, and fell asleep.
Eric
A whole day passed with us just sleeping. We were both exhausted and drained. Kat slept harder than me, barely waking up when she had to go to the bathroom. When she stood and wobbled on her feet, I jumped out of bed and helped her to the bathroom. She looked paler even after all that sleep. I was worried that the trauma of it had been too much for her, that something else was wrong. Had we left the hospital too early? What if something was wrong and I missed the warning signs?
Kat didn’t speak to me at all, not even when I asked direct questions. She nodded or shook her head, but no words left her lips. I was worried about her, but I didn’t know how to make any of it better for her.
On the morning of the second day, I got up and made some breakfast. I wasn’t really hungry, but Kat needed to eat. I had no idea when she last ate. I made some eggs, bacon, and toast for her, then brought it upstairs. As I was climbing the stairs, I realized that it was unusually quiet in the house. Joe and Andrew weren’t here.
I pushed the bedroom door open and saw that Kat was awake, just staring at the wall. “Hey, I made you some breakfast.”
She didn’t say anything. She just stared off into space. I set her breakfast on the nightstand and got down on my haunches in front of her, so she could see my face.
“Kat.”
Her eyes flicked to mine, but they didn’t acknowledge me in any way. It was like she could see me, but she was looking right through me. I brushed her hair out of her face and then shook her lightly.
“Kat, you need to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
It was the first thing I had heard her say since the hospital. Part of me was relieved, happy that at least I heard her speak and knew that she was still here with me. But a bigger part of me was sad. She was hurting and there was nothing I could do to fix that. But I could make her eat. I had to do something. I couldn’t just sit by and watch her melt away. I couldn’t make her heart stop hurting and I couldn’t make those terrible memories slip away, but I could make sure that she got stronger.
Maintenance Required: A small town romance (The Cortell Brothers Book 1) Page 28