A Portrait of Pain

by Jane Washington

  I didn’t do a thing, but she pulled back, glancing up at me apologetically. It made me want to drag her out of the room and make it clear that she wasn’t ever allowed to be sorry for touching me again. Except that I had made her this way. It was my fault. I couldn’t stop pushing her away.

  Silas plugged in a USB and typed in a password to access it, before searching the directory for what we already knew would be security footage of the strip club. I was trying not to think about it, and I could tell that Seraph was doing the same thing. Her heart was pattering at a rapid rate, tiny wings battering against the cage of her chest. Her eyes kept flicking from the computer screen to my face, and then to Silas’s hands. I followed her gaze, seeing his left arm laying over the table beside the keyboard. He was tapping his finger in an irregular rhythm against the surface, a vein pulsing in his wrist.

  Crap, he was pissed. When had he gotten so good at hiding it?

  He located the video and enhanced it to fill the screen. Initially, I wanted to tell him that it was unnecessary, but then I saw her image on the screen. I remembered that outfit—it was burned into my retinas—but that wasn’t the shocking thing about the video.

  “What the fuck?” It spilled out of my mouth before I could stop it, and I pushed off the desk, my fists clenched by my sides.

  She was giving Cabe a lap dance? Silas grunted in what I suspected was an agreement. Seraph planted her elbows on her knees and let her head fall into her hands. She wasn’t even going to watch the screen. I felt bad for my reaction; I always felt bad, because I knew that it made her drown herself in guilt, but I couldn't help it.

  She was mine.

  No, dammit, not mine.

  “Twice over …” Silas muttered, still tapping his fingers against the desk.

  I had no damned idea what he was talking about, but he apparently didn’t need me to. He jerked up from his seat and strode out of the room, letting the door hit the frame a little too heavily. I made to follow him, but Seraph reached out to stop me, her hand on my shirt.

  “It’s fine.” She was still looking at the ground, her forehead caught by her left hand. “He’s not going to do anything.”

  “How do you know?” I glanced down at her hand, distracted. She didn’t seem to realise, but she had laid her palm flat against my stomach. Since she was sitting and I was standing, it was low on my stomach.

  “He told me exactly how he was going to react before he left.”

  “Twice over?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Seph …” I caught her hand, pulling it away from my shirt. The screen kept drawing my eyes, and I could feel my body reacting to the way she was moving in the video. I wanted to push Cabe off a bridge. I wanted to drag her straight out of the video and lock her in a cupboard like an insane person. I also wanted to push her back into a strip club just to see her move like that in person, and all the wants warring against each other were making me feel a little lightheaded. “What the hell does ‘twice over’ mean?”

  She laughed, but there wasn’t any humor in the sound. She pulled her head up, her eyes finding mine. There was the guilt. It was written all over her face, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t console her, because I hated it. All an Atmá had ever meant to me was pain. Once upon a time, there had been one that belonged to me the same way Seraph belonged to me … but I had lost her, and now I had a second chance … except that I wasn’t sure I wanted a second chance. Who was to say that this Atmá wouldn’t end up just the same as the last one? I wanted Seraph—I was messed up enough to admit that, but I didn’t want everything that she represented to us.

  “Anything they do to me … he’s going to do twice over.” Seraph was completely expressionless, but I could feel the way her heart reacted. I could see the slight tinge of colour that rose in her cheeks, and the way her chest started to move, her breaths becoming visible.

  I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. Only a saint would put up with Silas, but what kind of person would like putting up with him? And what the hell did it make me, that I liked that it was her?

  “Crap … okay …” I reached over, shutting off the monitor, and then I drew her into my arms. It was supposed to be comforting, because I wanted her to have at least one of us to lean on. All the others were too busy trying to claim her; they didn’t stop to give her support without taking anything in return. She pressed her cheek to my chest, and I marveled at the feel of her heartbeat so close to mine; it mixed them up together, masking the fact that both organs were beating too rapidly for a casual hug. I was too worked up for this, but she needed it.

  “You know they don’t want to pressure you into anything, right?” I spoke to the top of her head, my hands shaping to her back. My voice was slightly rough, but I couldn’t help it, not with the feel of her pressed against me.

  “I don’t need the sex talk right now, Qu—Miro.” She choked on a laugh, her body trembling with equal-parts tension and amusement.

  It drove me insane when she made those little slips, indicating that she still thought of me as Quillan.

  “Thank god.” There were some responsibilities that even I desperately wanted to shirk, and that was one of them. “And you can stop feeling uncomfortable about calling me Miro.”

  She pulled back, and I could see from her posture that we had managed to work past the awkwardness.

  “Trying to dictate my thoughts now, Bossman?”

  “I’m feeling out my Voda role. Need someone to practice dictating.”

  She laughed, her head falling back, her heart squeezing beautifully. I felt the burning need to assert my claim over her the same way the other three did, but I fought it back.

  Not now.

  Not just yet.

  Expelled.

  I was expelled.

  “I’m sorry.” Jayden followed me across the cobblestones, sitting down on the bench beside me. “We did the best we could.”

  We were in one of the courtyards built into the top floor of Le Chateau, with an open atrium roof and a marble display pool in the middle. I had no idea what the point of the display pool was, but this one certainly wasn’t built for any sort of function, because there were no stairs to get into it and there was moss dotting the base.

  “I’m sure you did,” I replied, pulling one of my feet beneath me. “I’m sure you all did the best you could … just not for me.”

  He was silent, but I hadn’t really asked a question. With a sigh, I reined in my mood.

  “So,” I turned to face him properly, “what is it you want me to do?”

  His mouth hooked into something that resembled a smile. “You’re too good for us, you know that, right?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t believe him, but there wasn’t any point in voicing it.

  “You’re too good for those guys, too,” he added.

  I paused, examining him with more care. He saw my look and burst out laughing, shaking his head.

  “You’re a little young for me, Seph. And I’m not like Danny. You were my family when we were younger, I’m not sick like him. I still think of you as my family—or at least, someone who was once family.”

  I nodded, turning away with brief embarrassment flushing my face. How conceited was I, that I had suspected him of being jealous? Maybe I was just running on a high level of paranoia, always second-guessing the intentions of everyone around me. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes, yet another traitor popped up, springing the surprise of betrayal on us.

  “So …” I scraped my shoe against the ground. “What is it?”

  “We want to assign you to Poison and Clarin. The college Dean has agreed that you can return to the grounds in the capacity of an agent, with another as back-up.”

  “Assign me to them? As what? And if she won’t let me back in as a student, why would she let me back in as an agent? That just gives me more freedom.”

  “Because she didn’t really make this decision. We did. And when I say assign, I
mean that you’ll be guarding them. We thought it would be best, because even though you’ve refused the Voda position, you’re still …” He trailed off, a small and almost sardonic smile twisting his mouth. “Well, you’re not going anywhere, are you? We need people to like you—to respect you. You’re tied to Miro, and we can’t have people turning on him because of his perceived association to you. You’ve been building a reputation for a while now, Seph, and it isn’t a good one. A bad reputation always builds much faster than a good one. It’s taken Miro his entire life to prepare for this; you could force it all down in only a few days, at the rate you’re going.”

  I tried not to take that as an insult. “So you want people to see that the Klovoda trusts me enough to make me an agent?”

  “Exactly. They might hear that you’ve been expelled, but when they see you around the college as a Klovoda representative, they won’t be able to think the worst. If anything, they’ll think that we trusted you so much that we pulled you out of school early. They’re going to need someone to trust while he tries to deal with everything happening right now.”

  “I guess that makes sense. I still don’t know why the Dean would agree to it, though.”

  “She agreed because she doesn’t have a choice. Miro had a conversation with her.”

  I couldn’t help the smirk that lifted my lips. “He’s practising his dictatorial skills.”

  Jayden snorted. “So you’ll do it?”

  “On one condition.” I stood up, stretching out my arms behind my back. Every muscle in my body ached because I hadn’t been sleeping properly. Jayden only waited for me to continue, so I did, my voice frank. “Tariq. He needs to be protected. If Poison and Clarin are in danger, so is he. Danny can’t get to me anymore and we all know it. Cabe and Noah are seriously waiting outside for me right now. They wouldn’t leave me alone for an hour even with you here. They’re too freaked out. If Danny wants to get me away from my pairs, his best bet is to kidnap somebody that he can get to. Tariq needs more protection than me, more protection than any of us, because he can’t protect himself.”

  “I thought you’d bring this up,” he admitted, standing beside me. “So Jack has doubled—tripled, actually—security around the boundaries of Le Chateau. We’ve organised a private tutor for Tariq so that he won’t have to go to the high school anymore. Just until we track down Danny. Miro gave up his old room, and Tariq seems to be happy there. We can still renovate another of the houses for him, but he seems content where he is.”

  “He prefers it up here,” I admitted, but my discomfort carried in my voice.

  I had asked Tariq to move into one of the cottages with me, but he had opted to stay in Miro’s old room instead. He had said that he felt safe in the main house, but I knew the real reason. He was trying not to overcrowd me … because I was never alone anymore.

  “Oh, one more thing.” Jayden grabbed my arm, preventing me from wandering away. “We’re moving Clarin here, along with Poison and her mother. In fact, we’re working to clear up as many of the cottages and houses as possible. Jack thought it would be a good idea to move all of the remaining Klovoda members onto the premises. The rest of us agreed. I think the incident with Nahab and Obasi yesterday really shook everyone up. We managed to track them down to one of Dominic’s old properties—not the smartest place to hide, in my opinion—and they’re being dealt with, but it’s not easy to get any information out of them. Jack is afraid that Danny might send someone to kill them just to make sure they don’t spill any of his secrets to us, so they’ve been moved to the old Komnata. Le Chateau might be safe, but the Komnata is protected by magic much older than any of us. They won’t be touched there.”

  I turned over that information in my head, before saying, “Fine.” I didn’t know what else he wanted from me. It seemed like he was asking for my permission to move everyone into Le Chateau.

  “Okay then.”

  “Okay, see you, Jayden.”

  “Wait.” He grabbed my arm again.

  I sighed, spinning to face him. “Seriously, what is it? Just spit it out.”

  “Eva.”

  I paused, my irritation melting away. “You think she’s in danger, too?”

  “More than the others.”

  “Why?”

  He dropped his hand, turning his eyes away. He looked tired … but then again, we all looked tired. “The reason I could never tell you about Danny was because of her. Danny threatened to hurt her if I helped you in any way. I couldn’t even give you the right pill you needed to attack him the night Weston died. I gave you a placebo, because he would have known that it was me … but it doesn’t matter anymore. We’ve all picked sides now; we had to when Weston died and Danny ran away. Half of them chose him, and half of them chose you. He’s going to get his revenge on all of us. The others are all sending their families away until it’s safe.”

  “Then we need to get Eva out, and soon. You might as well bring her here; it’s not like there’s a shortage of accommodation. And … and it would be good to see her again. I’ll help you in any way I can. It’s my fault she’s in there, anyway. If she hadn’t saved me that day, Danny wouldn’t have been able to get her locked up in the first place.”

  “Wouldn’t be so sure of that,” Jayden muttered. “I think he would have found a way.”

  “He’s resourceful,” I admitted, shaking my head in disgust. “But so am I.”

  “We’ll go soon, then.”

  “Good. Thanks.”

  “Anytime, Wonderkid.”

  I smiled a little bit at the nickname, memories sweeping into my head with an odd, bittersweet rush. I took a moment longer than usual to turn away, because I could see the reflection of my own feelings in Jayden’s eyes, and I knew that he was sharing in my moment. But I did turn away, because as much as I wanted to, I didn’t entirely trust him.

  I doubted that I ever would.

  Not him, and not the others.

  I no longer had the luxury of trusting in people just because I wanted to. Because I hoped that it would all work out. I walked to the door and pushed it open, revealing the scene that I had expected to see. Two broad backs, one dark head and one blond head—both of which turned at my approach. Cabe smiled; Noah did nothing, because Noah mostly just smiled on the inside.

  “Can we go back now?” I asked, eager to disappear into the mess of construction that had become of our chosen new homes.

  “Just one more stop,” Cabe replied, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Jack wants to talk to you about this bodyguard plan.”

  I tried not to sigh again, but it was difficult. I didn’t envy Quill—Miro. Miro. He needed to be Miro now, because the world had turned upside down. Either way, I didn’t envy him. He woke before the sun was even in the sky, and the Klovoda had him in their clutches before the coffee had even finished brewing. They generally didn’t release him until it was dark.

  “Come on.” Noah grabbed my hand when it became obvious that I wasn’t going to willingly walk there all on my own. “It won’t take long. Let’s just get it over and done with.”

  “How come you two didn’t get expelled?” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. “I mean …”

  Cabe chuckled. “No offense, but people don’t hate us as much as they hate you. People actually kind of love us.”

  I had to bite back a retort, because he was right. “So why don’t I get to guard you two? Why Poison and Clarin?”

  “Jack’s smarter than you give him credit for. He knows that where you go—we go. So, he’s essentially making sure that we all move in a pack from now on.”

  “But you all have different classes.”

  “I’m sure they managed to change that,” Noah said.

  And he was right. As soon as we arrived, Jack announced that their schedules had all been rearranged to keep us together. Adie was there, sitting in a corner, his fingers tapping at the keys of a laptop, his brow furrowed in concentration. Yas was pacing before
the window, muttering quietly to someone on the phone. Quil—Miro was standing with a woman who had her back turned to us, their conversation too hushed to overhear. I tried not to focus on them, but the reality was that I watched them more than I watched Jack. The woman was obviously young, and from what I could see of her, she was gorgeous. Her chocolate-toned hair was sleek and straight, looped into a ponytail, the tight wrap of a pencil skirt showing off the curve of a hip.

  “You’re allowed to take an agent with you,” Jack was saying, his eyes careful on my face. “But you obviously can’t take Miro. It’ll have to be Silas.”

  My attention snapped back to him immediately. “What?”

  If they were letting Silas into the college, they weren’t just entertaining precautionary measures anymore. They were taking this threat very seriously.

  “You heard right,” Jack confirmed, a smile briefly lighting his face.

  I started laughing, and behind me, one of the guys also chuckled.

  “This’ll be interesting,” I heard Noah mutter.

  Miro glanced over, his conversation breaking off. The woman turned around, and the laughter died on my lips. It took me a moment to place her, but I eventually recalled her name.

  Samantha Trick.

  Last year she seemed to hang around Miro a lot, and I knew that they had some private business with each other, mostly centring around her dead sister, Annie, who was also Miro’s ex-girlfriend. She was staring at me now, her eyes widening slightly. I knew that she was piecing it together—the fact that I had always been the one to stumble into Miro’s office while she was waiting for him, and now I was here. In the middle of Klovoda headquarters, during crisis time. I found it strange that she recognised me at all; she always seemed to treat me as though I was insignificant. The way I should have been.