Last Fall

by Alexis Anne

  Suffocating and hurting.

  “I was stupid, okay.” I closed my eyes and held up my hands, trying and failing to force the feelings back. “I was not naïve or unaware—just plain stupid. I’m embarrassed.” So embarrassed that I found it hard to function when I thought about it. When I looked back at my years with Tony all I saw was how dumb I’d been to ever start a relationship with him, let alone stay with him for five horrible years.

  Years I’d never get back.

  So I did my best each and every day to be the woman I should have been and to erase that part of my life from existence.

  Erik stayed where he was even though I could see the way his muscles tensed under his shirt. He gave me a few moments to calm down and, maybe, to give himself some space to calm down too. My emotions seemed to affect him quite a bit.

  “I can’t tell you how to feel,” he said after a minute. “I know I can’t make you see what I see, but I really wish you could. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met. You write books that move people so much they’re making a movie franchise out of them. We all make mistakes and if we’re lucky those mistakes teach us how to be better. I really hope one day you stop seeing something that made you who you are as something to hide.”

  “You don’t get it,” I gritted out between my teeth, my jaw clamped so hard it hurt. Why couldn’t he see?

  “Then make me understand. I need to understand why you say these things about yourself, Zo. It’s so wrong.”

  It wasn’t wrong. It was the truth. A truth I needed to disappear. I would never acknowledge that something good came from Tony. I needed Erik to get this through his head and there was only one way to do that. I had to open my wounds and give him a look inside the mess. So I took a breath and dove into the darkness I spent so much time avoiding.

  “I fell for the good guy act. Hook, line, and sinker. And when I found out the truth, I held on tighter.”

  14

  ERIK

  The Chapter in Which There are Jokes About Second Base

  It took everything I had to stay on my side of the booth. The fire in her eyes, the anguish. I wanted her in my arms and I wanted her now.

  But I couldn’t do that. And I had a feeling if I tried to comfort her right now she’d rip me to shreds like some sort of she-wolf.

  So even though it killed me, I stayed frozen right where I was, every muscle locked in place, my heart pounding so hard I thought I was on the verge of a heart attack.

  “We were in love. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was successful and powerful and he wanted me,” she said.

  The venom she spoke with almost made me regret pushing her to talk. Almost but not quite. While I really fucking hated seeing her so torn up, I craved this information. My feelings for Zoe grew bigger each day to the point I started wondering if I could control them at all. I needed to know her. All of her. Even these dark parts.

  “I was over the moon. Everything was so wonderful and new. I’d never had a real serious relationship so every single part of it was like a shiny new toy. The dates, the romance, moving in together, all of it. The rest of my life was all set and planned out. Life was good.”

  Obviously life was not good.

  “But you know what?” she spit out the words. “He was a lying, cheating, son of a bitch. I couldn’t reconcile who he was with who I thought he was, and even worse? I couldn’t believe that someone like me would fall for someone like him. I think my brain actually broke for a few days after I found out—just long enough for him to realize I would have no choice but to leave. Something he couldn’t have. Because in his fucked up world, he needed me. I was his pretty little doll. I made him look good. He wanted a picture perfect life with a picture perfect wife. Thank god I never married him.”

  The caveman part of my brain roared to life. The idea she might have been married to another man . . . I meant what I said at dinner. It wouldn’t change how I felt towards her, but damn did I hate the idea.

  “My days freaking out gave him just enough time to formulate the perfect plan. And stupid me fell for it.” She took a deep breath and began massaging her forehead. “I spent years trying to fix us, all while he manipulated me. I was supposed to be smarter than this, but I wasn’t. In the end things got ugly and violent and I had no choice but to leave with a couple of boxes. I didn’t say goodbye and I haven’t spoken to Tony since.”

  She didn’t provide many details, not that I could handle them right now anyway, but she gave me the big picture. An idea of what she’d been through and what drove her away.

  “You’re not stupid, Zoe.” I really couldn’t take her saying that again. Stupid. She said it repeatedly along with I was supposed to be smarter.

  She glared at me, her anger turning her face red. God, how I wanted to smooth back her hair and make her smile again.

  “He knew he could intimidate me and he used that to his advantage. And I let him.”

  “That makes you human, Zoe. It’s normal to be frightened of someone bigger and stronger than you. Especially if they are threatening you.”

  Not everyone was a big scary ballplayer who could puff up his chest and frighten away the bad guy. Soft, sweet women like Zoe and Belle, their first instinct would be to protect themselves, to survive, not fight back.

  At least not at first. I was pretty sure they’d both spit nails at anyone who tried to hurt them ever again.

  “So there,” she shook her head, “now you know more than anyone.”

  “Thank you.” She didn’t have to tell me anything. It was a gift. “I genuinely appreciate you trusting me with your story.”

  Her shoulders lifted slightly.

  “I want to know more,” I admitted. “When you trust me more.”

  Doubt shone in her eyes. “We’ll see.”

  No seeing about it. “I also want to make it clear I don’t intimidate people. I’m a defense kind of guy. You mess with mine, I’ll mess with yours—”

  “I get it now.”

  Did she? I had my doubts considering she was still sitting so far away with what felt like an ice-cold wall between us. “I’m big. I’m scary when I want to be. Your worries are so incredibly justified, Zoe.”

  She softened just a little bit. “Everything’s different.” She looked away. “Everything. I’m different. I’ll never be that naïve girl again. And if something were to happen between you and me, that would be different too.”

  She was working through a lot of things so I didn’t interrupt. Whatever realizations she was having, I wanted her to have them. Understand them. And then just be with me already.

  What kind of asshole used a woman like her? Why bring her down when she had the power to lift so many up? Or maybe that was the problem. Maybe this loser was jealous of her gift and it made him feel more powerful because he could control it by boxing it up.

  I worked with a lot of fuck-ups over the years. Guys who used everyone around them. They either got their shit together on my team or they got out. I didn’t have time for users.

  “The other thing that worries me about us?” she said carefully. “My work. It’s unusual.”

  “And you think mine is normal? I travel half the year and make a living off my ability to keep people from stealing second base.”

  She smiled a little at that. “The jokes my friends could make with that.”

  “Carrie and June? I never saw them as the sex joke type.”

  “No,” she laughed. “My writer friends. If you want to date me, you really need to spend some time in my world first.”

  She didn’t seem to get that spending time in her world was exactly what I wanted to do. “Okay, sign me up.”

  “My friends are amazing but we do make a lot of inappropriate jokes.”

  Sounded a lot like her friends would get along with my friends then. “Are you sure your writer friends aren’t baseball players?”

  “No. And there are half naked men at some of my events.”

  “The
re are completely naked men in my locker room.”

  “Touché. It’s just that in my experience, significant others in the publishing industry are either completely involved or completely separate. There’s jealousy—”

  I cut her off right there. “Darlin’, I want to meet your friends. And I’ve got no problem with male models. When you’re with me you’ll have no reason to want anyone else.”

  Damn that sounded cocky but it was true. I’d keep her so happy and satisfied no other man would ever turn her head. Guaranteed.

  She cocked her head to the side. “I seem to remember some comments about Wes on my covers.”

  “Just two friends having fun.” I didn’t give a fuck who was on her covers. Not even that asshole. All I cared about was who kissed her goodnight.

  Her eyes glittered. “Okay then. Next weekend I have a signing and writing retreat in Sarasota. You should come.”

  Not far but I did have games to play. I whipped out my phone, opened the calendar, and nearly cheered out loud when I saw we were playing at home. “I can come down Saturday night after the game.” It would be late and I would be exhausted and I wouldn’t care.

  “Perfect. You’ll get the full experience.”

  “I’m excited to see you in your element.” I put my phone away and closed the gap between us. “I’m even more excited that you’re talking to me.” I was worried this would end at any moment.

  And I really didn’t want it to end without another kiss.

  Or ten.

  “I like that I can talk to you.”

  “Adults talk, Zo. Especially adults who plan on doing more than fuck.”

  She blinked big and wide at me again. It continued to amaze me that she could write such intense sex and still be shocked when I said things like fuck.

  She took a few quick breaths. “You fluster me.”

  “Good. It means I’m not alone.” Tied up and twisted. That’s what she did to me.

  “So what does dating Erik Cassidy look like?”

  Like becoming The Future Mrs. Cassidy. Marie’s words from brunch echoed in the back of my mind as I drank in this beautiful, aroused, trusting woman in front of me. Marie was right. I had already found her.

  “I don’t know yet,” I said instead. “But I know I want more talking and more kissing.”

  “Kissing?” she whispered. Breathless.

  Hell yeah. “Oh yes. More kissing is definitely in our future. And then more talking.” Until she had nothing left to hide.

  15

  Zoe

  Remember to Use Your Turn Signal

  Erik’s kisses had to be the best dessert ever. Even with the awkward angle of the curved booth, his lips found a way to slide against mine in the most fantastic ways. Somehow this kiss was every bit as wonderful as what I thought for sure were overblown memories. No, actually this was even better because I knew I wanted this kiss.

  Our first kiss was pure impulse. Our second, desperation.

  But this was a decision. And I really liked that.

  “Erik . . . ”

  “Please don’t ask me to stop.”

  “No.”

  He kissed me harder. “No, you want me to stop? Or no, don’t ever stop?”

  I suppose it was hard to tell the difference when all I’d uttered was a single word. I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck, right at the edge of his hairline, and pulled his lips against mine. “Don’t stop.”

  “Okay.” He nodded and kept right on kissing.

  His nose grazed mine. It was a tender move. I liked it. His hand rested respectfully on my knee. I liked that too.

  I also wanted more.

  “We should go somewhere more private.”

  He froze, pulling back slowly. “Where?”

  Neither of us lived alone. Going to his place meant Seth would have questions, but going to my place meant June and Roman would be there with questions of their own.

  I just barely survived Erik’s family. There was no way I could handle more people wanting to know about my life. Not tonight.

  “Let’s go dancing,” I said instead.

  “Dancing?”

  I liked that even though he looked confused, he also seemed game for an adventure.

  And I really needed some adventure. “It’s not private but it is easy to get lost in the crowd. And there will be lots of people kissing there.” Unlike here where I was quite sure we were the only couple making out.

  Couple. Whoa.

  “Where?”

  “Ybor. Club Jane has salsa tonight.” I loved to dance and since I kept weird hours sitting in a chair, I often snuck out at night to get some fun exercise in the form of dancing.

  “Ybor City it is.” Then he threaded his fingers through mine.

  We were holding hands.

  And it was . . . wow. My insides felt like they were doing backflips.

  From handholding.

  I definitely needed to put this in my next book. Because whoa. I had no idea how intimate it really was until this very moment. The connection was unreal. The electricity surging up my arm, the way I tingled everywhere. It was so much more intimate than simple touching. It said, “we’re together.”

  We stayed just like that while Erik got the check and paid. Then, without letting go, we slid out of the booth and walked side by side to the valet stand. It was entirely possible my body was about to burst into flames.

  Erik held up his ticket. “My brother will be by in an hour to get my car.” Then he handed the valet some cash. “And we’ll be needing her car now.”

  I held out my ticket. “We’re riding together?”

  “Ybor at this time of night? Yes.” Then he tossed me a sweet smile. “Please?”

  “Your brother doesn’t mind?”

  “Not at all.” Then he tucked my hair behind my ear.

  My knees went weak. Holy mother of all.

  My car arrived and for a moment I wondered if Erik would be able to let go of my hand. I swear he considered climbing through so our hold wouldn’t break, but instead he walked me around to the driver’s side. “I want that hand back later.”

  Then he carefully shut my door. I almost opened the door again and told him to drive because holy moly I couldn’t think straight. Driving was probably a bad idea but I somehow managed to keep it together. I even remembered to use my turn signal.

  “So Say We All and House Stark, huh?” He sat angled in the seat so that his back was to the door.

  “What?”

  “Your bumper stickers. You’re a fan girl.”

  “I am.” Battlestar, Game of Thrones, Star Wars, Star Trek, and more.

  “What is it you like about the shows?”

  Everything? How did I explain without babbling? “I like the storytelling, I guess.”

  “That makes sense. Which one is your favorite?”

  That was like asking which kid I liked better. “Depends on the day. I don’t have one thing I’m completely obsessed with. What about you?”

  “What about me?” The city lights rushed over him, changing his features from moment to moment.

  Not that I was paying that much attention. Nope. I was driving. I had my eyes on the road at all times.

  Except when I didn’t.

  “Do you have anything you fan boy over?”

  “I’ve never felt the urge to cosplay but I’ve definitely binge-watched a few shows. All the ones on the back of your car, for instance.”

  Well that made this conversation way more interesting if he knew what he was talking about. “Which is your favorite?”

  “Depends on the day.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Funny.”

  “I think everyone likes Game of Thrones. That was fun to watch all at once but I don’t think I’d have stuck with it if I watched it one season at a time.”

  “I agree.” I turned us down the main drag and started looking for easy parking. “It sagged a bit for a couple of seasons.”

  “Definitely. But it�
�s so easy to get caught up in it all. The different players, the fact that pretty much everyone’s gonna die . . . the dragons.”

  “The naked chicks.”

  “Not gonna lie,” he chuckled. “I enjoyed that part of the show.”

  “And I enjoy Jason Momoa.”

  Erik laughed at that. “He was good. I almost fell in love with him.”

  “What about Battlestar?”

  He sat up a little straighter. “Battlestar Gallactica was awesome. I watched it in the off-season thankfully. I couldn’t stop once I started. I think I lost an entire week in there somewhere. I blame Marie for that.”

  “Marie likes Battlestar?” She was so girly. And feisty. And busy. When did she have time to watch science fiction shows?

  “It’s her favorite show. You can stop by her house. It’s probably on right now.”

  “Really . . . well I’ll have to talk to her about it at the next dinner party.”

  Which was going to be very different, now that I thought about it. The last one was already a huge change, but after tonight, no matter what happened, everything would be different.

  I really didn’t know how to process that. Dinner at Jake and Eve’s was a centerpiece of my life. It was actually what struck me hardest while Erik and I ate dessert. As I recounted the most basic parts of my twisted relationship with Tony I realized that Jake and Eve were my game changer because it was a friendship that Erik and I shared. We had a lot that we didn’t share—his teammates, my writing group—but in the middle we had this common ground.

  Tony slowly cut everyone out of my life while he had me distracted. Erik wouldn’t do that. And even if he tried—which I knew was not a possibility—my new family wouldn’t let him.

  “You’re close with Marie.” I stole another glance.

  “Yeah. She’s been my agent for a long time. Moving here we just naturally met up more often. She reminds me a lot of my mom.”

  “How so?” I found a parking spot and swung in, killing the engine.

  “Single badass mom.” He shrugged.