The Shape of My Heart

by Ann Aguirre

  I stood in the shower much longer than I needed to, conscious that I was using the same soap, the same shampoo, that my naked body was occupying the same space his had. Sighing, I banged my head lightly on the wall and let the water run down my cheeks like tears. Despite the pervasive ache in my throat, I didn’t cry. I didn’t masturbate either, though I was tempted.

  Max had on a T-shirt and sweats when I came out of the bathroom. In my rush, I’d repeated his mistake, forgetting my clothes in the bedroom. He was lounging on the bed, fiddling with his phone, and he smirked when he spotted me barely covered in the towel.

  “Close your eyes,” I ordered.

  To my relief, he didn’t make a big thing of it, letting me dash out and snag my backpack. Then I retreated to dry off, slather on some lotion and put on clean underwear and the pajamas I’d been wearing since we left. I wondered what he made of that until I remembered he’d been wearing the same sweats at night, and that we often wandered the apartment at home in the same comfy clothes to prolong the stretches between runs to the laundry room.

  God, this trip is making me mental. I ambled out of the bathroom and took a deep breath, then flung myself over Max, landing on the other side.

  He laughed at my acrobatic entry and shifted over to make room for me on the bed. “Can’t believe how late it is.”

  “What time is Michael picking us up?”

  “Ten.”

  “Thank God. We can sleep in.”

  “You do that every damn day, entitled princess.”

  I rolled over and poked him in the side. “Are you jealous?”

  “Of your sloth? Please.”

  I started massacring the Pussycat Dolls, making up lyrics as I went. “Don’t cha wish you were unemployed like me, don’t cha wish you could lay around like me—”

  “Please don’t ever sing again, seriously. I just died a little inside.”

  Laughing, I fell back onto my pillow and turned over. “Shut the light off.”

  “’Night, Kaufman.”

  “G’night.”

  * * *

  I woke to the delicious smell of breakfast. Rolling out of bed, I stumbled into the other room to find Max setting the table with takeout. He’d brought back scrambled eggs, sweet rolls and juice, and I squelched the urge to hug him. Noticing me, he smiled and stepped into a slant of sunlight, all golden skin and liquid, dark eyes. I nearly retreated, except that would be weird enough to make him wonder what my deal was.

  “You’re awesome,” I said.

  “I might’ve heard that once or twice. Not usually for bringing breakfast.”

  “Yes, I get it. Women send thank-you notes for sex, you’re the god of peen.” Feigning a casual tone, I sat down and dug into my food.

  “I might get that as my next tattoo.”

  I nodded. “You should put it right on your treasure trail. But make sure the lettering is classy. We wouldn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.”

  “You make a good point,” he said with mock solemnity.

  After breakfast, I got ready, pulling on leggings and an oversize T-shirt with a silver glittery skull emblazoned on it. One of these days I might grow out of this style, but part of me couldn’t stand to think about it because this was how I’d dressed with Eli. My mother called it “arrested development,” but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.

  Soon, Eli whispered.

  The word didn’t even sound much like him anymore, more of an echo thrown back by a chasm, long after the original voice faded. Grabbing my purse, I went downstairs to look for Michael. He was just pulling up when I stepped onto the sidewalk, so I waved as he rolled down the window.

  “You ready for the adventure of a lifetime?”

  “Definitely. Do I get shotgun this time?”

  “Fine by me. Big bro can ride in back.”

  Snickering, I ran around the Scion and hopped in. Max came out a few minutes later, looking vaguely disgruntled. “I go to the bathroom for two seconds and you vanish on me.”

  “It’s a miracle you tracked me down.”

  Michael laughed. “Okay, the weather’s nice enough that we can check out some parks if you feel outdoorsy.”

  I raised a brow as Max climbed in back. “Do I look like the sporty type to you?”

  “Just trust me.”

  “Okay, but I have high expectations.”

  When I saw Roger Williams Park, I wasn’t disappointed. It was incredibly picturesque with bridges over tiny streams, a carousel village, duck ponds and gazebos, along with beautiful landscaping. Though I wasn’t a back-to-nature girl, I enjoyed walking around with Michael and Max, though I didn’t say much. The sunlight felt good on my skin; it wasn’t hot enough for me to sweat yet, which I suspected was why Michael had us out here in the morning.

  By noon, however, I was thirsty and ready to move on. “What’s next?”

  “I thought I’d take you to Providence Place for lunch and shopping,” Max answered.

  “Just her?” Michael joked. “Also, how’re you doing that? We’re in my car. What if I have other plans?”

  “Do you?” I asked.

  “Nah, it’s fine.”

  It took ten minutes or so to get back to the car and as long again driving from the park to the mall. This time I let Max have the front seat, mostly because I couldn’t take the cuteness of him sulking in back while I bantered with his brother. They were a little tentative, a little awkward, but it warmed my shriveled heart to witness the progress. From the outside, you’d never guess they’d spent the past five years apart. Now and then, I caught Michael sneaking quick looks at Max, as if checking for his approval. Inside, he was still a goony kid who cared about his big brother’s opinion. I had the urge to mess up their hair in one swooping move, but I sat on my hands to keep from distracting Michael as he parked.

  “Joe’s for lunch?” Michael suggested.

  Max nodded. “Sounds good.”

  Joe’s turned out to be an American restaurant, very manly, all gleaming oak and brass fittings. The guys ordered nachos to start and burgers for their main plates; I went with an iceberg lettuce wedge and the macaroni and cheese. If I knew Max, he’d trade me part of his burger for some of my mac. It was pretty much his favorite thing to eat.

  “So what’s your school situation?” I asked Michael.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are you a junior?”

  “Oh. Actually, I’m a senior. I’ve been homeschooled since the accident and I’m on target to graduate at seventeen.”

  “Damn. Smart and handsome.”

  Max kicked me under the table as the waitress brought our food. I jumped, more startled than hurt. “What? You’re smart and handsome, too. Apparently it runs in the family.”

  “We get it from our mother,” Michael said.

  The nachos disappeared fast while they talked about Max’s mechanical engineering program and Michael’s interest in aeronautics. I crammed a chip in my mouth, wishing I was as excited about my future profession as these two seemed to be. But for me, the professional world seemed so nebulous that I had no idea what I’d end up doing—something I hated, probably. Eli and I used to talk about starting an indie music label, but that dream had died with him.

  A few minutes after the busboy cleared the appetizer plates, the server delivered our meals. Before I could suggest a swap, Max cut his burger in half, still talking to his brother, and put part of it on my bread plate. Then he served himself some of my mac and salad while Michael stared, wearing an odd expression.

  “What?” Max glanced between us.

  “Are you sure you’re not together? That’s a very couple-y move.”

  “We live together,” I reminded him. “So we’re always sharing food.”

  “That’s true. Never mind.”

  They went back to their conversation about the space program while we ate lunch, but I caught Max eyeing me with a strange expression now and then. I pretended I didn’t notice because I had no idea
what he was thinking or what I was supposed to do about it. In some respects it was a relief to pay the check and have the acceptable excuse of window-shopping to cover my awkwardness. This is so strange. I’ve never, ever been uncomfortable with Max. But Michael was making me really aware of how much Max and I took for granted, a closeness I hadn’t even really processed consciously.

  Providence Place was a fine mall with the usual high-end stores, but honestly, my mind wandered too much to concentrate on consumerism. To placate the guys I bought an antisocial slogan T-shirt at a Hot Topic wannabe store. Afterward, they looked at techy stuff and I wandered around admiring the architecture. Eventually Michael excused himself to use the restroom, so I sat down on a bench to wait.

  “Didn’t find anything you want?” Max asked.

  “We have to cram it into my backpack and then the top box,” I reminded him.

  “Yeah, when you put it that way, light shopping seems like the way to go.” He sat down beside me and rested his head on my shoulder. “I didn’t expect it to turn out this way, but...this trip has been amazing.”

  “Yeah?” I reached over to pet his head, and his eyes closed.

  His answer came so soft that I almost didn’t catch it: “Things always are with you.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  That night, it was hard to say goodbye to Michael, and I’d just met him. I gave him a hug, then went into the hotel to grant Max some privacy with his brother.

  Waiting in the lobby, I sent my mother a text to reassure her that I wasn’t doing anything stupid. I’d missed check-in by an hour, but she wasn’t in a panic yet. Her rationale was this: if I had the presence of mind to send a text at the same time daily, then I must be okay. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was probably an app with a timer that could obviate all of her micro-management.

  Are you ready for school? She sent back.

  Not even remotely, I thought.

  But since she didn’t even know I’d left Michigan, it seemed best to reply, Yep, all set. Love you. Talk to you tomorrow.

  I was putting away my phone when Max came in. “You okay?”

  He followed me up to our room without answering. Once we were inside, he lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. “Yes. No. Sort of? Not really.”

  “I’m glad you can answer so definitively.” Then it occurred to me. “Do you want to stay longer? I can fly home, it’s no big deal.”

  “That’s incredibly cool of you...but I can’t if I want to keep my job. Since I’d rather not go back to fast food, I need to get back, too.”

  “You want to, though.”

  “Yeah. But there’s nothing stopping me from coming back. I won’t even bug you for moral support next time.”

  “I didn’t mind. We’re taking off early tomorrow?”

  “Six, if that works for you.” I nodded, and he went on. “I was wondering if you’d mind if we pushed the whole way instead of breaking it up like before.”

  “Are you in a hurry?”

  “I just want to get home.” His mood struck me as odd tonight, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly how.

  He was okay before I left them alone. Michael must’ve said something.

  “Okay, what happened?”

  “Nothing for you to worry about,” he said.

  That felt like a door being slammed in my face. So I pretended it didn’t bother me as I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I didn’t feel like sleeping with him tonight, though, so when he took his turn, I darted into the front room, switched on the TV and unfolded the pullout. Testing the mattress with a couple of bounces, I decided it wasn’t bad. I’d just settled under the covers when Max finished up.

  He came to the doorway. “You don’t want the bed?”

  “Nah. I’m fine.”

  “Is this because I didn’t want to talk before?”

  Damn, I hated how well he read me. I shrugged, wishing he’d go away. We needed some space anyway; this trip had confused all the ordinary boundaries.

  “Don’t ice me out, Kaufman.”

  Sighing, I rolled over to face him, quietly annoyed. “Isn’t that what you just did to me?”

  His face was serious as he perched on the edge of the sofa bed. “You want to know?”

  “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t.”

  “Okay, well. Michael asked me to come home. Uncle Lou has a spare room and I wouldn’t have to work, I could just focus on school.”

  “Wow. That’s an amazing offer.” I could understand why he was so somber; it was a big decision, one that would affect his future in all kinds of ways.

  And it’ll ruin your life, Eli observed.

  Max grabbed my wrist and tugged. “Come on. You won, I’m talking. Don’t make me squeeze in beside you.”

  “You have a whole bed to yourself. Why would you?”

  “Because you’re not in it.”

  I feigned aggravation as I let him pull me up. “And what do you plan to do when we get home, genius?”

  “Miss you,” he said simply. Then he gave me his version of big anime eyes, so cute it should be illegal.

  “You’re ridiculous.” I stomped into the other room and got into bed.

  Max followed, shutting off lights as he went. The mattress dipped as he got in beside me. “So you now know. What do you think?”

  “Oh, no. This is your decision.”

  “But you must have an opinion,” he persisted.

  In the dark he reached out unerringly to touch my cheek, turn my face toward him. The gentle touch did crazy things to my insides. If I kept feeling this way once we got home, I’d have to find reasons to stay away from him until my heart and hormones settled down.

  “Honestly? I’m conflicted. Because it might be great for you here, definitely easier, and you can reconnect with your family. But I’d rather burn all my Docs than let you go. I’m...well, not exactly ready for us to split up next year, but resigned, I guess. Finding out you might leave sooner is like being kicked in the chest.”

  “My gut instinct is to say no, not now, not yet. I’m so close to graduation that transferring might not be worth what I’d save on housing, especially if I lose credits.”

  “I like your gut,” I whispered.

  “Come here.” I didn’t move, so Max scooted over until he could spoon me. His arm dropped over my waist and he rested his chin on top of my head. “This okay?”

  “You’re already doing it,” I mumbled.

  “I’ll stop if you hate it. I’m just trying to make it up to you.”

  “What?”

  “Making you feel shitty. Michael shocked me so much, I kind of flashed back to when I had to figure everything out alone...because there wasn’t anyone to listen.”

  “You have tons of friends now, dude. I’m not special.”

  “That’s completely untrue.” His breath stirred my hair. “I knew you were cool the first time I saw you...and I wasn’t wrong.”

  “Wasn’t that...” I trailed off, trying to remember.

  We didn’t meet in class. It was the summer after our freshman year. I was already calling myself a sophomore; I recalled that much.

  “We met for the first time at Scott’s party. I went with Angus, you were with Amy. You thought I was gay and high-fived me.”

  Covering my mouth, I laughed into my hand. “Oh, shit, I remember now.”

  “But that wasn’t the first time I saw you.”

  “Really?” He’d never mentioned this before.

  “Yeah. The party was in July, but I was on campus in June, first summer session. And you were napping in the quad with your earbuds in. Your hair was streaked turquoise and blue then. And you didn’t have the brow ring yet.”

  “Wow. I’ve definitely done that before, but y’know, sorry I didn’t see you. Being asleep and all. But I can’t believe you remember that.”

  “You made an impression. Had no idea we’d end up so tight, though.”

  I was thinking about how to reply to that when
I fell asleep. In the morning, I woke to find we’d shifted in the night, my right arm and leg flung over Max in a possessive gesture. The emotional vulnerability of reaching out in my sleep sent me rolling out of bed and I couldn’t get dressed fast enough. In fact, I packed my bag and got breakfast before he stirred. Since it was so early, it was just sweet rolls and coffee from a bakery down the street.

  “This is fantastic.” He ate as he got dressed, strewing crumbs everywhere.

  Glad I’m not cleaning up after us.

  I brushed my teeth after eating and checked one last time to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. Then I grabbed my backpack. We jogged downstairs to check out. Ten minutes later, we were zooming along on Max’s bike. He hadn’t mentioned if we’d be taking the trip fast or slow, but I didn’t know if my ass could take twelve hours on a motorcycle. But the question was answered when he took the trip in stages, letting us off to walking around every two to three hours. And we pulled off the interstate at the same motel we’d stopped at before.

  “You tired?” he asked as I stumbled climbing off for the last time that day.

  “Physically, yeah. Mentally, not at all.”

  “We could go see a movie once we check in. If you want.”

  “Sure. It’s not that late. And I can take fifteen minutes there and back, or however far we are from town.”

  “Let’s drop our stuff off first.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Max handled check-in while I searched for our location on my phone. As it turned out, the nearest cinema was eight miles away, no problem at all. This time we weren’t around back, so we walked to the room from the office, backpacks over our shoulders. I read off the film choices as Max opened the door.

  “The last one... The demon whatever.”

  “Horror it is.” I checked the times. “There’s one starting in half an hour. I think we can make it if we take off now.”

  Unlike last time, the room only had a queen bed. Part of me wondered if he’d done that on purpose, as there wasn’t even a couch. If we didn’t share tonight, someone would be on the floor. And in a place like this, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.