Begin to Begin

by Brown,A. S.

  BEGIN TO BEGIN

  A.S. Brown

  KINDLE EDITION

  Copyright 2016 © Angela Brown-Duckett as A.S. Brown

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, without written permission from the author, except in the case of a reviewer, who may quote brief passages embodied in critical articles or in a review.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Cover design by: Najla Qamber Designs

  Edited and Formatted by: Wendi Temporado of Ready, Set, Edit

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Epilogue

  Dedication

  To anyone who has had their heart shattered by tragedy; there is someone waiting to put the pieces back together.

  Prologue

  Standing in front of the hotel where I plan to say my vows tomorrow, I wait for Benji to come out with his brother and friends. I don't know what possessed us to get married in January but no going back now, tomorrow is the big day. It's the day that Benji and I make it official. I can't believe it's finally here. We made it through high school and college and now adulthood, despite what anyone had to say.

  "Marin!" my best friend Amelia yells from across the parking lot where she very impatiently waits for me. "Get your ass over here! We have some celebrating to do since this is your last night as a single lady!" She wiggles her hips seductively, and I laugh and roll my eyes. She's crazy, but I love her. I don't even know where our next stop is at this point. I'm going in blind to the rest of this night.

  I have a feeling I'm going to feel sorry in the morning.

  "Just give me a minute; I want to say goodbye to Benji!" I yell back. I know it's only one night but I hate to be away from him, especially on the night before the most important day of our lives.

  I look back over my shoulder and see Amelia shaking her head in amusement as I hear the doors to the hotel open and the loud banter of a group of men. Benji looks over and locks eyes with me, and we both smile.

  How did I ever get so lucky to be marrying the man of my dreams tomorrow? Most girls only dream of this day. Mine is a reality. I would have never guessed all those years ago in chemistry when I was paired with Benji that we would one day be getting married. He was quirky and nerdy and not anything like the normal guys I dated. I think that's why I fell for him.

  "Hey, guys, I'll meet you at the car. I'm going to go give my girl a goodnight kiss," I hear him tell everyone. Cat calls and whistles fill the quiet night as he walks toward me.

  Swinging me up into his arms, his nose nuzzles my neck as he lifts me off of my feet. I am quite petite compared to his tall frame so I can barely reach his face if he isn't bending over, even in heels.

  "Ughhhh, I hate leaving you tonight," I groan, "but it will all be worth it tomorrow."

  He kisses me softly, nothing too passionate, though. We have a tendency to get carried away at times, and tonight I won't let him. I want tomorrow to be special.

  "I can't wait for you to be my wife tomorrow, Marin." He tucks my short curls behind my ear. "I have been waiting for this day since the minute I laid eyes on you."

  His friends start calling from across the parking at him.

  "Yo, Benj! Hurry the hell up!" Joey, his brother, calls.

  "She will be all yours tomorrow, man!" his friend Thomas adds.

  We laugh together and give each other one last kiss for the night.

  "Sweet dreams, my Marin," he says as he starts to back away from me. "I love you!" he yells one last time.

  "I love you too, soon to be husband!" Reaching down, I slip off my heels—my feet are killing me.

  Turning, I head to the other end of the parking lot.

  Amelia is waiting beside the car texting away furiously on her phone. I chuckle at the sight. That damn thing is literally her lifeline. The rest of my bridesmaids, Gwenn, Melinda, and Chloe, left as soon as they could.

  "Girl, put that damn phone away! We have to get our drink on." Looking up at me, she laughs and shoves it in her purse. "But not too much … I don't want to be hungover tomorrow," I add.

  "Listen here, Marin …" She doesn't get to finish her sentence when we hear the first shot. We both jump and then immediately hit the ground, not knowing where it's coming from—definitely close. Another shot rings out, and I let out a small cry.

  "Where the hell is that coming from? It sounds like it's across the parking lot,” Amelia whispers.

  Two more shots ring out through the black night.

  "Shit! Benji's over there." I immediately jump up, but Amelia pulls me back down at the same time that yelling starts across the parking lot. It's the guys, I can tell.

  "Stay down, Marin!" she whispers. "We have no idea what is going on."

  Frantically pushing her away, I get back to my feet. "I don't give a shit what's going on! Benji and the guys are over there!"

  Just as I start to run across the parking lot, the yelling turns to screaming.

  "Oh, my god. Help! Somebody!" I look back at Amelia, sure that the look of horror on her face is mirroring mine. She jumps to her feet and we run the distance of the front parking lot and then around to the side of the building where I see a group of guys huddled on the ground. I am unable to make out who is who from this distance, but I know they are my group of guys. Picking up the pace, I reach them and notice Joey, Benji's brother, is on his cell phone already, presumably with 911 judging by the frantic words coming out of his mouth.

  I stop dead in my tracks when I notice who is lying lifeless on the ground. Benji.

  "Oh my god, Marin,” Amelia whispers from behind me.

  Falling to my knees, I pull him onto my lap. "Benji. Babe. Open your eyes. Please," I beg as the tears stream down my face. "Someone hurry up and get here!" I scream to no one in particular but everyone at the same time.

  The discernable tinge of copper is in the air. Only one thing has that smell. Blood. That's when I notice the gaping hole in his neck.

  Blood has already seeped into my clothing and my knees are burning from my fall to ground when I grabbed him, but none of that matters. All that matters is him. Benji's eyes flutter open and try to make contact with mine, and I sigh in relief because he is still alive. A lone tear slips down his cheek as I whisper softly to him, "You're going to be fine Benji. Stay with me." Although, deep down, I know nothing will ever be OK again.

  He slowly shakes his head and tries to talk but blood spills from his mouth instead of words.

  Sirens blare in the distance, and I clutch his body closer to mine while
sobbing. "I love you so much. You aren't leaving me. Please, Benji … you can't."

  "Ma’am, please move back so we can help the patient."

  Not wanting to let him go but knowing I have to, I place a kiss on his lips." Reluctantly, I let the EMTs do their job and step back into Amelia's waiting arms. Sobbing uncontrollably, she tries to give me as much comfort as she possibly can.

  Nothing can fix this. Nothing can make it better.

  I look on as the EMTs desperately trying to save Benji's life. It's not good, though. They look back and forth to each other with no hope in their eyes and one of them turns and looks at me.

  Shaking my head, I try to rid my thoughts of what I know they are going to tell me.

  After what seems like a lifetime, one of them turns back to me, a consoling hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ma’am."

  Those three little words completely alter my life.

  Those three little words take away the one thing I love the most in this world.

  Falling to my knees and taking Amelia down with me, I sob as a piece of my heart dies right along with Benji.

  Emptiness slowly creeps into my soul where he resided.

  My heart has shattered into a million pieces.

  This has to be a nightmare and can't be real life.

  Arms wrap tightly around me from behind as I watch them place a white sheet over my Benji. From my peripheral vision I see someone approaching.

  "Ma’am, I'm so very sorry to bother you at this terrible time, but can we talk for a minute?"

  At least, I think that’s what he says; I barely register that he’s speaking at all.

  "Please just let her be for a few more minutes," Amelia responds.

  Shaking my head weakly, I respond, "I can't, I just can't talk to anyone."

  "Shhh …" Amelia rubs her hand in circles on my back. "I will have the guys speak with the police." She pulls my face back a tiny bit and speaks to me as if I'm a child. "I will be right back. Please don't move, OK?"

  Nodding my response, I sink back down to the ground and stare at the form under the white sheet.

  He was kissing me a few moments ago.

  Why did this happen to Benji? Everyone loved him.

  How am I going to move on from this?

  Chapter One

  Marin

  Thirteen Months After the Shooting

  Marching up the steps of the police station is the only thing crossing my mind right now. It is the only thing that crosses my mind every month on the twenty-first.

  I visit this god-awful place every month on the monthly anniversary of Benji's death in hopes that someone will have some answers.

  They never do.

  I don't know why I even bother anymore. It's always the same thing. "We're sorry Marin. The case is still open, but we have no new leads."

  Well, I'm sick of this nonsense. Someone has to know something. Someone somewhere knows who shot Benji. The police are classifying it as a random act of violence; I'm calling bullshit. People don't go around shooting guns in that part of the city. It's not a bad neighborhood.

  It's where Benji and I were going to grow old together.

  I don't understand, and I probably never will. Even after they catch whoever did this—if they ever catch them.

  As I push open the large glass door to the homicide unit, I'm greeted by Frank. He's used to seeing me.

  "Good morning, Marin. How are you this morning? Little brisk out there today!"

  Frank is quite the jolly guy. He's a detective for Orlando Homicide, but he is closing in on retirement so he stays behind the desk most days. Honestly, I think he is just over dealing with all the death and happy to see living, breathing people on a daily basis.

  "Well, it is February! It's not exactly going to be ninety out today," I exclaim.

  "Right, right, Miss Marin. But this is Florida. I live here to stay warm."

  "It's not that cold, Frank. It's sixty out already and it's only eight." I smile at him.

  Not much makes me smile these days. Not since last January, anyway. Aside from the rare occasions I engage in a pleasant conversation with a customer at the bookstore.

  Owning and working day in and day out at Chapter Fifteen is the only thing that has kept my mind off of Benji not being here. I wake up every morning at four and get ready for the day, drive into town, and park before I head down Fifteenth Avenue—hence how I came up with the name for Chapter Fifteen—to be in the store by 5:30 AM. I never leave, unless it's to come here or go home at six in the evening. We are closed on Sundays—that is the only day that I sit at home in complete despair. My life is nothing like it was supposed to be now that Benji is gone. Without him in it, everything is just gray.

  "Well, at least it won't get much colder than this. I take it you are here to see Charles. I'll go round him up for you."

  I simply nod my response. There isn't anything to say; everyone knows why I'm here. I walk over to the lone bench that sits across from the desk and take in the pictures of all the police who have been killed in the line of duty. Some of them look so young. Their lives were just getting started.

  It's so unfair.

  "Marin, you're here early today." I turn to see Detective Merritt, hands in his pockets, standing behind me.

  "Detective. You know why I'm here."

  He nods. "Yes, follow me. Let's talk in my office."

  We make our way through the maze of desks. Most are empty. That means people are working; or at least, that is what I hope it means.

  I follow him into his tiny closet of an office. He shuts the door and takes his seat behind his desk as I sit across from him in the mustard-yellow, plastic chair. "Would you like some coffee or maybe some tea?

  "No, thank you, Detective." I clutch my purse closer to my chest.

  Being here never gets easier.

  Asking for answers never gets better.

  I know that even when they give me the answer that I'm looking for, it won't change anything. Benji is gone. He will never be back. He will never be my husband or the father of my children.

  "Well, I really don't have anything new to tell you. We have been following up on a few more leads—"

  "Really? If there is nothing new, just tell me. But don't lie to me and tell me that you are following up on non-existent leads. I can't take it. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Benji's family, and it sure as hell isn't fair to my dead fiancé."

  "It's not a lie, Marin. I promise. I would never lie to you. But, unfortunately, most have been dead ends. We are still looking into a few things, and the minute I know anything new, you know I will be calling you." He looks at me, twirling his pen around in his hand, and I can see the pity in his eyes. He knows I'm a pitiful woman.

  I haven't even made and effort to try and move on. I don't think I ever will, though. At least, not anytime soon. Even after Benji's killer is caught, I will spend the rest of my life mourning the life that he and I should have had together.

  "We really are trying to find who did this. Benji's case has been at the top of our caseload since that night, and it will stay there until the person that did this is caught."

  I nod my response and wipe the stray tear from my cheek. "OK, thank you, Detective Merritt. I'm sorry I raised my voice at you." He smiles sadly and nods. I slowly make my way to the door and say over my shoulder, "I will be back to check in soon."

  "You know, you could just call, you don't need to drive down here. You don't need to be in this police station as much as you are. Surround yourself with happiness and colorful things. Not this sad, dreary place."

  Detective Merritt is a sweet man. Most likely in his late fifties or early sixties. I can't help the small grin that breaks out across my face.

  "But if I called, then I wouldn't be able to see your smiling face." I turn and walk out his office door and hear a chorus of “goodbye, Marin” and “see you soon” from around the room. Waving, I make my way outside and back to my car. I need to get back to the bookstor
e. Joey, Benji's baby brother, should be there by now. He's such a sweet guy and has really stepped in to help me out since Benji's death. He's a year younger than Benji and has a job as a loan officer for a local mortgage broker, but every morning he is in the shop making coffee, checking all the shelves for anything that made its way from its proper place, and fixing it. He is usually only there for an hour or two, but it's a huge help. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He has been a huge support system for me, but so has the rest of Benji’s and my family. And Amelia, of course.

  Just as she crosses my mind, my phone dings in my jacket pocket.

  Amelia: Hey Babe. I am assuming you are on your way to the store from the station. Just wanted to say that I love you and if you learned anything new today to give me a call. XoXo

  There is no need to respond. She knows this is my ritual. After parking my car behind the building, I walk around the front and go in the front door. I never use the back door. It's weird for me to walk into a bookstore through the back. Even though it's my bookstore.

  I still love the view of all the books on all the shelves and tables as I walk in.

  "Hey. Good morning, Marin. How did it go?" Joey asks from the coffee station. He really does make the best coffee. Who knows how many customers I would lose if I started making it on my own since I know mine is terrible.

  "Eh, nothing new. They say there are leads they are following up on. But we've heard that a million times, and nothing ever comes of it." I plop down on one of the big comfy chairs in the middle of the store. We still have about thirty minutes before we open.

  "Yeah, I've pretty much given up on anything the police have to say. I don't blame them or anything, but, I feel like we are always getting the run around," Joey says, his back still to me.

  "I'll never give up, Joey … Ever. If it's the last thing I do, I'll make sure that this person is caught. I refuse to believe that no one knows anything."

  Joey walks over and sits on the arm of my chair. "Benji was the luckiest guy in the world, you know?" He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. "You have always had his back. He's still lucky to have you."