My Soldier Too

by Bev Prescott

  “It’s not that.” Isabella caressed Madison’s pinkie with her thumb. “I don’t like telling them half-truths about what I’m doing any more than you like feeling like I’m hiding you from them. I just need to find the right time to tell them about you and me.” She gave Madison her brightest smile. “Once they get to know you, they’ll love you as much as I do.”

  Madison returned the smile. “It’s a shame so many people are around. I want to kiss you.” She let go of Isabella’s hand.

  Isabella smiled. “Maybe that’s a good thing. A kiss from you is never enough for me, and I’ve got lots of work to do today.”

  “There’s always later tonight.” Madison winked.

  “Later is too far away.” Isabella reached over her shoulder to retrieve her shoulder bag hanging on the back of the chair. “I should head upstairs before you break my resolve to do work. Besides, the General is probably finished with his tests by now. He’ll want me to walk back to the shelter with him.”

  “I hope he’s all right.”

  “Me, too,” Isabella said.

  “Has he been cooperating with his doctors?”

  “Sort of. For the most part, when he does, it’s only to humor me. Since his lung cancer diagnosis, he’s become distant and even more stubborn about staying at the shelter. I can’t convince him he needs to be someplace else.”

  “He’s probably retreating inside himself. It’s a defense mechanism. I’ve seen it more times than I want to remember.”

  “I saw someone do that, too.” Isabella looked lovingly at Madison. “You, and I’m glad we’re moving past that.”

  “Me, too. You have a way of drawing me out.”

  “Good, because I want all of you, even the hidden parts.”

  “You have me completely,” Madison said. “We both better get to work. I’ll be thinking positive thoughts for the General.”

  “Thanks. I keep hoping he might rally and beat the odds. He’s one of the best people I know.”

  “Let’s hope and pray for the best then.” Madison stood. “Come on. I’ll walk with you.”

  * * *

  The doctor sat down at his desk across from Isabella and the General. His expression gave him away before he spoke a word. “Mr. Cutter, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your cancer has spread. We do have some treatment options available to us. They’ll slow the progression of your disease, but it’s only fair that I tell you we can’t stop it altogether.”

  “Can you give us a likely prognosis, Doctor?” Isabella asked.

  The doctor directed his reply to David. “With treatment, you’ve probably got six months to a year. Without it, I’d estimate about three months. I’m very sorry.”

  The General looked straight ahead without speaking.

  “David, please say something,” Isabella said.

  His eyes welled with tears. “There’s not a whole lot for me to say. Other than trying to help the men at the shelter, I have no purpose for living.” The General looked at Isabella. “Truth be told, I’m tired of fighting all those Vietnam demons—in me and in them.”

  “Would you like me to call your family?” Isabella asked.

  “No, dammit. I don’t want you to call them.”

  Isabella patted his shoulder gently. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but maybe they’d like to be here for you now. You must miss them.”

  “Yeah, I miss them. Always have.” He looked away. “Especially now that I’m about to die. The past is the past. Thinking about seeing them only makes my regret and loneliness stronger. I’ve survived all these years by forcing myself to forget how all alone I’ve been. Seeing them would make everything worse.”

  “You can’t mean that.” Isabella’s heart broke for him

  “I do mean that. Death will let me stop running away from everything that makes me sad and afraid, and that includes my family.” He wiped a tear from his eye. “God damn it, Generals aren’t supposed to cry.” He cleared his throat. “Doctor, do you have anything more to say to me?”

  The doctor leaned forward. “I’d like to discuss treatment options.”

  The General coughed and swallowed. “Damn this dry throat.” He swallowed a second time. “Will any of these so-called treatments make me sick and keep me from taking care of myself?”

  “You’d probably have some side effects from the chemotherapy.”

  “Like what?”

  “Nausea is common, and so are headaches. Because of your age, and not having someone to care for you, there’s a good chance you’ll have to be hospitalized. The sooner we start your treatments, the more effective they’re likely to be. Shall I go ahead and schedule your first session?”

  “No, I don’t want to be in any hospital. I don’t want to be an invalid, and I don’t want to postpone the inevitable. I’m going back to the shelter. That’s that.”

  “Mr. Cutter, you’re a very sick man. Please, let us help you,” the doctor said.

  “Could we have a minute alone?” Isabella asked.

  The doctor rose from his seat. “Of course. When you’re finished, let my nurse know. She’ll have me paged.” He nodded to the General as he left.

  Isabella turned to him. “David, please think about having the treatments. Instead of staying at the hospital, I could get you into the veterans’ home. You’ll be comfortable and well taken care of there. I know how you feel about the men at the shelter, but for once, please consider taking care of yourself instead of them.”

  “It won’t matter whether I’m in a home or the hospital. It’s all the same. Someone will always be telling me what to do and when to do it. I can’t have people constantly hovering all over me. I need my freedom.” He picked up one of Isabella’s hands and kissed it. “Sweet girl, you’re like a daughter to me. Of all the people in the world, you’re the one I’m saddest to leave behind. But you know I can’t be caged up like some animal. I refuse to be locked up in one of those places, even for a day.” He coughed again. “I’m ready to meet my Maker. I’ve been in this world long enough. Please, let it be.”

  “You have to let me find you a better place to stay for a while. I can’t bear the thought of you being on the streets while you’re sick. I can be just as stubborn as you. I’m not going to give in. You know that, right?”

  “I won’t leave my men,” the General said.

  “Then at least let me call your son. Maybe you can make amends with your family. Will you let me do this one thing for you? Maybe you don’t want to see him, but doesn’t he have a right to have a choice in whether he gets to say good-bye to his father?”

  He glowered at her. “You’re pretty brave to ask me that question again after I’ve told you no a thousand times. I have to give you credit, you’re a fearless girl. You would’ve made an excellent soldier.” He shook his head in resignation.

  “I can’t imagine not having my father in my life, especially if he died without my saying good-bye to him. What if your son feels the same way? He was only a boy when you left. For all you know, he’s missed you every day of his life. He’s your son, and nothing can change that. Please, give him the chance to see you one last time.”

  The General shifted in his chair. “Damn, these things are uncomfortable. I ache when I sit in them for too long. It’s why I prefer to stay on the move. I’m definitely not going to spend my last days in a hospital bed.”

  “Okay, fine. No hospital, but what about your son?”

  “Look at you trying to wear an old man down in his weakened state.” His face took on a faraway expression. “I’ve often wondered who my son became and whether we even look alike… whether he has children of his own.”

  “You can find out before it’s too late.”

  “It wouldn’t be fair for me to contact him now. I’d only open old wounds. Let them stay scarred over, where they belong. I’m sure my family’s moved on. My coming back into their lives would be selfish. I’d only remind them of all the pain they suffered because of me. As much as I’d like to see
them again, I won’t.”

  “For the life of me, I can’t fathom what you could’ve ever done that caused you to have to leave your family. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water. No matter what, families survive if they really love each other. I know you love them.” She paused, “You never told me what happened. Maybe if you did, I’d be able to understand, because right now, especially under these circumstances, I don’t.”

  Isabella watched countless unidentifiable emotions flicker over the General’s face. She waited to see if he’d share his history with her.

  “I guess I owe it to you to explain.” He breathed in deeply. “When I came back from Vietnam the first time, my wife knew right away that the person she fell in love with didn’t exist anymore. I left him out on the battlefield, and he was never going to come back. Strange as it might sound, as happy as I was to be home, all I could think about was going back to the fight. I didn’t know who I was except when I was fighting the enemy with my men. Being home terrified me more than the war. At least when I was on the battlefield, I didn’t have time to think about all the death and destruction, even though it was going on all around me. I was numb to it until I came home. At home, I couldn’t avoid it, and I didn’t know how to confront it.” His voice grew hoarse. “All this talking is making my throat hurt. Would you mind getting me some water, Isabella?”

  “Sure.” She filled a paper cup from the water dispenser and handed it to him.

  He took several sips. “I’d been home for six months when I got orders to go back. My son was three years old at the time, and my wife couldn’t understand why I’d gotten so little time at home before being called to duty again. I think she was suspicious. She could see I was miserable at home, so she asked me outright if it was my decision or the military’s for me to go back. I wasn’t going to lie. I told her I’d asked to go, because I needed to take care of my men who were still there.”

  “From things you told me when I asked about this in the past,” Isabella said, “I thought you left because your family wanted you to. What you’re telling me now says it was more for your sake than for theirs.”

  David was slow to reply. “I guess it was really for both them and me. Yeah, I was running from my demons, but by leaving, my family didn’t have to face them with me. I couldn’t put them through that. They deserved to have someone who was whole. No matter how unaffected a person who comes back from war might appear, don’t think for a second that there isn’t some part of him that’s damaged forever.” His voice quivered. “It left me empty inside. I couldn’t cope with how insecure I felt around my own son.”

  Isabella took his hand and held it tight. “David, I’m sure they loved you, demons and all. If you’d given them the chance, you probably could’ve worked things through. It’s never too late to try and fix things with the people you love. I’ve spent enough time around veterans to understand that your hurt can run deep. I’ll bet anything they’d have been happy to help you get through it.”

  “I don’t know if I ever could’ve healed.” David used his free hand to gesture toward himself. “Look at me now. Do I really look like a man who’s recovered? Besides, when my wife found out that it was my decision to go back, she gave me an ultimatum. She said that if I went, she and my son wouldn’t be there when I came home.” Tears ran down his cheeks. “I never admitted this to anyone, but… sometimes, I really wish I’d stayed with them. I had a choice, and I made the wrong one. I should’ve embraced the love of my family instead of the war. I went back to my men, and when I did, I let my future with my family slip through my fingers.” He swiped at his tears with the back of his hand. “No matter what happens in your life, Isabella, don’t let the people who mean the most slip away from you.”

  “Oh, David, I’m so sorry.”

  He removed his hand from Isabella’s grasp and clasped his hands together in front of his bowed body. They shook uncontrollably, and he stared them. “I feel so old. I’m just a feeble old man who’s come to the end of the road. I guess a lifetime of wear and tear is finally showing through. The fight’s all gone out of me.” He dropped his head to his hands and sobbed.

  Isabella put her arm around him. “Then please, let me call your son.”

  Chapter 17

  A day later, Isabella hung up the phone, closed the General’s file on her desk, and exhaled a sigh of relief. Her conversation with the General’s son had gone well. Rich Cutter was glad to learn his father was still alive and that he was reaching out to see him after all these years. He didn’t remember his father at all, but he hoped it wasn’t too late to get to know him. Rich had tried several years ago to find him, but David Cutter’s trail went dry shortly after he returned home from his second tour of duty in Vietnam.

  As she reflected on the upcoming reunion between father and son, Isabella reminded herself of her belief that family bonds were unbreakable, no matter the circumstance. Too bad she couldn’t cling to that notion when it came to telling her own family about Madison.

  She placed the General’s file back into the cabinet near her desk and locked it. Her sadness over his diagnosis was tempered by his agreement to see his son. Adding to her good feelings, she was going to spend a long weekend with Madison in Provincetown. They’d hide away in a place where they could be themselves completely.

  Isabella pulled open the drawer of her office desk. She took out the small box from O’Neil Jewelers, one of the best in the city. She admired the gold watch inside. It could never replace the ring Madison had given to the little boy at the airport, nor was it meant to. She wanted it to signify a new beginning. Isabella took the watch out of the box, turned it over, and ran a fingertip over the engraving: To Madison, always. Love, Isabella. She planned to give it to her over the weekend.

  As Isabella put the watch in its box, Beth came around the corner. Isabella moved the box so it was partially hidden behind a stack of reference manuals on the back corner of her desk.

  “Hey, Isabella, I’m heading out now. Marcy wants me to come home early to help her pack for our trip. We’re really looking forward to spending the three-day weekend with you all in P-Town.”

  “Amy couldn’t get out of work on Saturday,” Isabella said, “so she and Cheryl will meet us on Sunday at the ferry terminal.”

  “Sounds like fun.” Beth was carrying a cooler and had her briefcase slung over a shoulder. “Thanks for loaning us your cooler. Would you mind giving me a hand taking it to my car? I’ve got a bunch more stuff in my office that needs to go, too.”

  The phone on Isabella’s desk rang. The caller ID indicated it was the office secretary. “One second, Beth. Let me get this. I’m expecting Madison to stop by.” She picked up the phone. “Thanks, tell her I’ll be right there.”

  Beth used her elbow to point toward the phone. “Your gorgeous soldier, I presume? I hope the two of you will be able to keep your paws off of each other long enough for us to go out and play at least a little bit this weekend.”

  “I never knew what I was missing all this time sleeping with a man. I can’t resist her. I promise to make an effort to control myself, though. At least part of the time anyway.” Isabella’s skin flushed thinking about all the things she intended to do to Madison once she had her alone. The several hours ahead of them before that occurred would be torture if she let such thoughts linger. Focus on getting ready. “Madison and I are bringing food to make a picnic lunch for Saturday.”

  Beth raised an eyebrow.

  “Don’t worry. I’ve been working on her cooking skills. She’s getting better. You have to give her credit for trying. Come on, let’s go find her.”

  * * *

  The clicking of Maria’s high heels on the linoleum floor got the attention of the office secretary. “Hello, Sandy, I’m here to see my sister. Is she in today?”

  “Hi, Maria. Yes, Isabella’s in. I just spoke to her. Go on back, if you’d like.”

  “Thank you. Could you remind me again where the ladies’ room is? I need to m
ake a quick pit stop first.”

  “Around the corner and to the right. You can’t miss it.”

  “Thanks. Enjoy the rest of the day.”

  The clicking of Maria’s heels resumed. She’d be glad to catch up with Isabella, given that she’d seen so little of her lately. It wasn’t like Isabella to be this scarce, especially with John home for the summer. Something or someone was filling her time, and it wasn’t Ben. When she ran into Ben downtown a couple of weeks ago, he scowled at the mention of Isabella’s name. She suspected her sister might be seeing someone else. She spotted the ladies’ room icon on a closed door and went inside.

  Once she finished, she headed to Isabella’s office. Isabella wasn’t there. Maria glanced about. The first thing she noticed was the box from O’Neil’s jewelry store. The upscale jeweler sold only high-end products. People didn’t shop there unless they either had a lot of money to spend on themselves or were buying a gift for someone special.

  Maria couldn’t resist the temptation. She opened the box and cocked her head when she saw it contained a woman’s watch. On a social worker’s salary, Isabella had to be frugal. The only conclusion Maria could draw was that someone had given her sister a very special gift. Maybe it was from Ben. That would make sense if it was his way of apologizing for whatever might have happened between them. Curiosity got the better of her, and she lifted the watch from the box. “Or maybe it’s from her new mystery man, if she and Ben have called it quits,” she said under her breath.

  She examined the watch more closely. “Whoever you are, you certainly have good taste.” A Swiss watch, it was made of white gold and had a simple but elegant design that could be worn with either formal or casual clothing. “Very nice.” Her forefinger rubbed against an etching on the back. Maria turned it over to read the inscription.

  It puzzled her. “To Madison, always. Love, Isabella.”