My Soldier Too

by Bev Prescott

  Madison studied Ben’s face and tried to read his expression. He seemed surprised by her generosity. She hoped she wasn’t mistaking it for a look of success at her being stupid for trusting him.

  “If you’d like me to,” Ben said, “I can help arrange a memorial at the hospital chapel tomorrow. I’m sure the guys from the shelter will want to pay their respects.”

  Isabella wiped her eyes. “Where is he?”

  “They’ve taken his body to Boston Central. We’ll have to move fast on this. I hate to say it, but since he was a homeless man with no family to speak of, they won’t keep his body around long.”

  Madison winced at Ben’s bluntness. “Isabella, do you want me to call Beth and ask her to try to reach the General’s son?”

  Isabella shook her head. “No, I want to call him myself. He’ll be as disillusioned and sad as I am.” She laughed mirthlessly. “He and I can commiserate over the sham of family ties.”

  Chapter 22

  As she sat in the large conference room at Boston Central, Madison’s anxiety mounted. The General’s memorial service would start in an hour. She couldn’t be late. Isabella was counting on her to be there. Let’s get this over with already. The prevailing atmosphere in the conference room made it clear that not making it to the service on time was soon to be the least of her worries.

  That morning, she’d gotten a call from her commanding officer’s secretary telling her to report for an impromptu meeting. That she and her fellow reservists were directed to wear combat uniforms only served to solidify the ominous purpose for their gathering.

  She had promised herself that she’d tell Isabella about the rumors floating around regarding the likelihood that her unit was going to be redeployed to Iraq. She’d intended to do so that Sunday in P-town, before the big blow up with Isabella’s family at the dock changed her plan. Since then, Isabella had been so upset that Madison decided not saying anything was the wiser course of action. And then, with the General’s suicide to deal with, she couldn’t bring herself to add another potential stress point to Isabella’s load.

  Sgt. MacPhee entered the room. Standing straight as the proverbial ramrod, he ordered, “Attention.” The soldiers in the room stood in unison.

  The Commanding Officer, Colonel Jane Bancroft, strode to the podium and cleared her throat. “At ease. Please be seated.”

  The back of Madison’s neck moistened from trepidation. As much as she didn’t want to hear whatever news the colonel was about to deliver, she wanted it said and done with. She had one last year on her current commitment to the Army. If she got sent back to Iraq, how could she hope to hang on to Isabella? She’d be too far away to help her find a way to deal with her family. The General’s death added another layer of difficulty. Isabella needed Madison beside her to handle all that life had thrown her way. Please don’t say we’re being sent to Iraq.

  Col. Bancroft got right to the point. “Many of you probably assume that I’ve assembled you to inform you that our medical unit will be deployed to Iraq. This is not what I’m here to tell you.”

  Madison savored a sense of liberation. It was snatched away in an instant.

  The colonel’s face betrayed no emotion. “The President of the United States has determined that our unit is needed for a six-month deployment to Afghanistan. We are to report to Fort Bragg two weeks from today.”

  Everyone in the room sat in shocked silence.

  “I realize,” the colonel said, “how difficult it is for many of you to have to leave your families a second time to go to war, but this is what we’ve been trained to do. Our brothers and sisters in arms rely on us to get them home safely and to assist them when they’ve been injured in battle. It is our duty. We will see our mission through on behalf of this grateful nation.”

  Madison pinched the bridge of her nose to squeeze back a stress headache that threatened to make her day even worse. The blather about a grateful nation was hypocrisy. Okay, so “don’t ask, don’t tell” had been repealed, but in most states, gays and lesbians were still denied the right to marry and to live their lives without fear of retaliation if the truth about them came out. It was all noise. The Federal Government and the Army still wouldn’t recognize Isabella as her legal partner and take care of her as a veteran’s survivor if anything happened to Madison while she was serving her country.

  Then the words “two weeks” clanged in Madison’s head.

  “Stop by my office to pick up your individual orders. Good day, soldiers.” Col. Bancroft left the room.

  Madison rose to her feet on shaky legs. With all that was swirling in Isabella’s life right now, it wasn’t fair to tell Isabella that she’d be leaving for Afghanistan in fourteen days. But how could she not? Two weeks might be all the time they had left.

  The hallway that led to the hospital chapel where she’d find Isabella felt like a dark, endless tunnel. The sound of her footsteps reverberated off the walls, mocking her, chastising her, telling her that all she’d feared was her new reality. Walking in combat boots on a tile floor was never a quiet endeavor. Now, it was deafening.

  In a moment of mad panic, she considered trying to convince Isabella to run away with her—someplace where no one would ever find them. That wouldn’t work. The Army always caught up with AWOL soldiers in time of war. She would go to Afghanistan. It was her duty. The walls closed in more tightly around her, and she fought for breath as she reached the chapel doors.

  The heavy chapel doors swung open. Isabella hugged each of the somber men who entered. “Hi, guys, I’m glad you could make it. Please, have a seat up front. We’ll get started soon.” A pang of disappointment pulled at her every time someone other than Madison came into the chapel. The phone call Madison had received that morning had turned her mood pensive. Something was up, but Madison wouldn’t talk about it before they left for the hospital.

  A familiar voice said her name. “Good morning, Isabella.”

  She found surprising comfort in the sound of Ben’s voice. “Hi, Ben.”

  The reminder of what she’d lost over the past few weeks made her long for her family but only for a moment. Much as she missed her family, surrendering the real love she felt for Madison was out of the question.

  Ben took her by the hand. “Will you sit with me for a minute? I want to talk to you before everyone else gets here.”

  “Do you mean before Madison arrives?”

  “Truthfully, yes. I’m done lying to you. I’ll never do it again.” He sat down on one of the wooden pews and motioned for her to join him.

  Isabella did as requested. “Don’t make this anymore difficult for me than it already is.”

  “I’ll try not to.” He sat rigidly beside her. “I miss you. Your family misses you. Let me take you to your parents’ house after the service. It would be good for you and for them. They’d be so happy to see us.”

  “Us? There is no us.” Isabella stared at him. “I thought you said you were done lying.”

  “I am. Please believe me. Give me another chance.”

  “There’s nothing to give you a chance for. I’ve told you before, but apparently I have to say it again. I don’t love you.”

  “You need to be with your family. Let me take you there.”

  “Ben, you have to let the idea of us—you and me—go. It would be a lie for you and me to show up at my parents’. You and I aren’t together anymore. We’ll never be together. It would only confuse them and make things worse for me. The only person I’d show up with at my parents’ house is Madison. If that were to happen, my father would slam the door in my face. I hardly think he misses me all that much.”

  “I don’t understand what it is she can give you that I can’t. Don’t you worry that you’re taking a huge risk by being with her? What if you never smooth things over with your father? Can you really live the rest of your life without your family? My God, you’re a Parisi. Families don’t come more tightly knit. You’re supposed to be together.” Ben kissed the back
of her hand. “I’m the one they want you to be with.”

  Forever? Could her family’s rejection of her be forever? Her heart still refused to entertain the notion. The doors to the chapel opened. Again, it wasn’t Madison. Isabella examined her reaction to that fact. The most inconceivable prospect she could conjure was a life without Madison. “I’m not in love with you, Ben. You deserve to be with someone who is.”

  “You loved me before Madison came into the picture. You can love me again.”

  “I didn’t know what it meant to be in love until I met her. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I’ve come to understand that I never loved you. I only loved the idea of you. You’re a smart, successful, caring man who is going to be a wonderful husband and father someday. You will be because the woman you marry is going to love you as much as you love her. It’s not going to be me, though. I’m in love with someone else.”

  Ben took the note from the General out of the breast pocket of his suit jacket and handed it to Isabella. “You should have this. It’s the General’s last wishes and musings. I always thought he was a peculiar fellow. He certainly saw the world from a rare perspective. In hindsight, the man was probably right about a lot of things, one of which is the unfairness of fate. You’re going to have to give up an awful lot to keep Madison in your life. I hope that the ‘quid pro quo,’ as the General put it in his letter, is worth it.” He kissed her cheek. “And I hope you’ll be happy.” He looked away briefly. “And I hope we can find a way to be friends again.”

  Isabella put the letter into her briefcase. “Thank you. I’d like to try.”

  The doors opened again, and Madison finally stepped into the chapel. “I’ve got to go,” Isabella said. “I’m glad we had a chance to talk.” Ben moved to a pew at the rear of the chapel as Isabella got up to greet Madison.

  Something was wrong. Madison looked older, and her face was pale. Tiny worry lines spread out from the corners of her eyes. Isabella put her arms around her. With her cheek next to Madison’s, she could feel that her skin was flushed. “What’s the matter? You don’t look so good.”

  Madison’s eyes were moist. “I really need to tell you something. I should’ve talked to you about it awhile ago. We have to find a place to be alone.” She tugged Isabella toward the door. “Now.”

  “Madison, I can see you’re upset, but David’s service is starting in less than two minutes. As much as I love you, I’d hate myself for the rest of my life if I missed this chance to pay my respects to him.” She swept her hand toward the tattered veterans seated in the chapel. “I owe it to his men, too.”

  Madison looked as though she were about to insist, but she didn’t. “Of course you have to be here.” She looked around the chapel. “Just promise me that the minute the service is over, we’ll find someplace private so we can talk.”

  Isabella found the General’s memorial service to be very moving. Several of his men offered testimonials about how his compassion and dedication had made a difference in their lives. With Madison right beside her, she felt strong enough to cope with the knowledge that she’d never see her friend David again. In an odd way, wondering what Madison needed to talk to her about helped her keep her sorrow in check. Without that gnawing at the edges of her mind, she might not have been able to bear the poignancy of the moment. At the conclusion of the service, the men rose and saluted the casket as it was wheeled out of the chapel.

  Madison took Isabella by the upper arm. “You promised we could talk as soon as this was done.”

  “Of course. There’s a vacant office down the hall that I sometimes use when I’m working cases here. We can go there.”

  Isabella grabbed her briefcase. They hurried down the hall and into the office. Isabella shut the door. The look of fear in Madison’s eyes caused her heart to sink. She put her arms around her. “What is it? Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Madison opened her mouth, but all that came out was a strangled sob.

  “Please, just tell me.” Isabella’s gut knotted.

  “I have orders to go to Afghanistan.”

  Isabella’s mouth went dry. The words hit her as if spoken in a foreign language. Slowly, their meaning sank in. “When do you have to go?” She felt herself crumbling. She collapsed on the nearest chair before her legs gave out on her.

  Madison knelt in front of her. “I have to report to Fort Bragg two weeks from today.”

  Isabella fought the bile rising in her throat. “How long have you known about this? If you’re supposed to leave in two weeks, you must’ve had some notice. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I’d heard rumors about a deployment for the past couple of months, but rumors are always floating around when wars are going on. I kept hoping that’s all they were.” Madison looked down as she continued to speak. “I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid if I did, it would change things between us. Then, when everything fell apart with your family, I didn’t have the heart to add one more worry to the stack.” She looked up to meet Isabella’s gaze. “I know I should’ve told you sooner.”

  “You had no right to keep this from me.”

  “I’m sorry. I was scared. You’re so precious to me. I couldn’t bear the thought of driving you away. Please try to understand.” She rubbed Isabella’s arm. “It’s only for six months. Then I’ll be back, and it’s for good this time. I’ll resign my commission.”

  Six months. Madison might as well have said six hundred years. She was falling into an abyss, and there was no one left to hold onto. Her family had disowned her, the General was dead, she’d made it clear to Ben he had no permanent place in her life, and now Madison was leaving and might never come home. Isabella was the starling in the General’s story to the judge. She’d dared to trust that she knew how to fly, but all she’d done was smash headfirst into the plate glass window. “No, Madison. No. Please, you can’t go. I’ve lost everyone else. Losing you is more than I can face.”

  Still kneeling in front of her, Madison pulled Isabella into her arms. “I have to go. I don’t have a choice. But I promise, when I get back, I’ll never leave again. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You’re everything to me.”

  Isabella was desperate not to let her go. Too many bad things could happen to Madison. What if she didn’t come back at all? What if she came back like the General had—as someone she didn’t recognize anymore?

  She and Madison wanted the same thing, and that was to be together. Isabella grabbed the collar of Madison’s uniform with both hands. “I hate the Army. I hate this war, and I hate that you might never come home again if you go.” She shook her hands, still clutching the collar of Madison’s uniform, until Madison made her stop. “You know what, Madison? I wish ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ had never been repealed.”

  “Why? It discriminated against me as a soldier, and it would have kept us from being together.”

  “Because if it was still the policy, you could tell the Army about us and they’d have to let you out. You wouldn’t be sent away.”

  “It wouldn’t have worked out, sweetheart. I’d have been given a dishonorable discharge and lost everything I’ve worked for.” She eased Isabella’s hands from the collar of her blouse. “Besides, I’m a soldier, and it’s my duty to go where I’m sent.”

  Isabella put her head down and sobbed into Madison’s neck. “I don’t want to lose you now that I’ve found you.” She cried harder. “Please, Madison, you’re all I have left. Tell the Army you won’t go.”

  Madison understood the agonizing pain of being left behind by someone she loved. She had the scars to prove it. She never could have predicted how excruciating it would be to be the one doing the leaving. The anguish of knowing she had to be away from Isabella paled in comparison to the kind of torment Isabella was inflicting on her. It threatened to break Madison’s resolve. She couldn’t let it happen. For a million reasons, Madison had to honor her commitment to the Army. “I can’t do that, Isabella. I have to go, just like
everyone else in my unit has to. They’re relying on me. I can’t let them down. I made a promise that I have to keep.”

  “What about your promise to me? Why are you so willing to break your promise to me so you can keep your promise to the Army? Remember, in all but a handful of states, you and I are considered deviants not worthy of being married. Gays and lesbians don’t get anything approximating fair treatment in any way you want to name. Yet, I’m the one you’re walking away from so you can defend a country that sees you as a second-class citizen, at best. I gave up my family… gave up everything… for you. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me, before I gave up everything I ever held dear, that you might be sent back to the war.” Isabella balled her hands into fists and pounded on Madison’s shoulders.

  When Madison squeezed Isabella tighter, she pulled away and out of her arms. “Isabella, I’m not breaking my promise to you. I didn’t ask you to give up your family. They chose to throw you out. Please listen to me. Remember, I tried to warn you that loving me might come with a high price tag. I’d rather have been wrong, but it’s not my fault that it turns out I was right.”

  She clenched and unclenched her jaw before saying more. “I didn’t have many choices about how I might make something of myself. I had nothing, and no one gave a damn about what happened to me. The Army gave me a way out. I have to repay that debt. Once I’ve done that, I’m walking away so you and I can be together.” She took one of Isabella’s hands in her own. She was relieved that Isabella let her make the connection. “I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t go. This isn’t only about the Army. It’s about the soldiers who are counting on me. Units like mine are sometimes all that stands between someone living or dying. I have to go.”

  Isabella pushed Madison back, and Madison scrambled to gain her footing. Isabella stood. “I get it now. You feel guilty because you couldn’t save Scott Stevens. You’re just like David. You have this warped sense of duty that you’re willing to let destroy you. It destroyed him and his family and left him all alone. He killed himself over it. Iraq already took a piece of you that you’ll never get back.” She sniffed and swabbed the tears from her face. “Please don’t do this,” she begged. “Because if you go, I don’t know whether I’ll be here when you come back. I’m not strong enough to deal with another broken soldier.”