My Soldier Too

by Bev Prescott

  “Excuse me, Isabella. I got here so late that we didn’t have time to talk earlier.”

  She took Rich Cutter’s outstretched hand, then threw her arms around him and hugged him tight. “I’m so glad you came. When we talked on Sunday, you told me you couldn’t make the memorial service at the chapel, but I hoped you’d be here for the scattering of the ashes. I’m so sorry about your father. He really was one of my very best friends.”

  John cleared his throat. Isabella gestured toward him. “This is my brother, John Parisi. John, the General’s son, Rich Cutter.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Father. I appreciate your saying the last words for my dad.”

  “It was my pleasure. I’m sure you and Isabella have things to talk about. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll speak with some of your dad’s associates.” He looked meaningfully at Isabella. “I’ll hear you at confession this afternoon, little sister.”

  “Rich, give me just a moment.” She took John by the arm and moved a few feet away. “I’m not coming to confession.” John gave her a look that she took as a mix of anger and surprise. “I’m not comfortable sharing my deepest secrets about Madison with my brother.”

  “In this context, I’m not your brother.”

  “You’ll always be my brother, in any context. Besides, you can’t help me with what I’m going through.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because your view of the world is black and white. You seem to believe I can turn off what I’m feeling with a flip of the switch. I can’t. You’re my brother, and even though I love you as family and respect you as a priest, I love Madison. That’s too gray a reality for you to accept. Leave me to work this out on my own.”

  John offered a disdainful look. “Very well, then. I hope you’ll remember that God is clear on the subject. You don’t get a free pass from me simply because you’re my sister. I took my vows, and I expect you to follow God’s teaching like everyone else.”

  “Even if it makes me miserable?”

  “Yes, when it violates God’s holy law.” John stomped away.

  Isabella rejoined Rich. The look on his face said he’d heard at least part of her conversation with John.

  “I’m sorry if I interrupted something important.”

  “No, you saved me from having to endure another second of my brother’s misdirected concern for my soul.”

  “It’s probably not easy having a brother who’s also a priest.”

  “You can say that again.” She looked carefully at Rich. “You resemble your father a lot.”

  “I always wondered if he and I looked alike. The only pictures I have of him are from when he was in Vietnam. The resolution is so grainy it’s almost impossible to make out his features in them.”

  “He wondered the same thing about you.” Isabella took the photograph that the General had left for her out of the pocket of her dress. She handed it to Rich. “I brought this along in case you came. This was taken Thanksgiving before last. The shelter puts on a huge spread for the homeless veterans every year. Your dad always said it was his favorite holiday because it wasn’t about anything other than being thankful and sharing a meal with friends.”

  “Everyone looks so happy, including him.” He looked at the photo for a long minute. “That surprises me,” Rich said.

  “Why?”

  “I always figured his life was tragic and that he was a lonely, miserable man. I thought that was why he left my mother and me.”

  “In some ways, your father’s life was tragic. He lost his naïveté about the world when he was very young.” She smiled reassuringly. “It seemed to me he was afraid to trust people, even the people who loved him, and that kept him from living life as fully as he might have. Make no mistake, though, your father found sheer joy in the simplest things. He loved his friends—his men, as he called them—unconditionally.”

  “I wish he could’ve loved me that way,” Rich said. “He didn’t even give me the chance to say hello, and now here I am saying good-bye to a man I never met.”

  “Ever since we talked on Sunday, I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wondering why he took his life before you could meet him. I know he loved you with all of his heart. He told me so. I think he believed this would spare you more heartache.” She pointed at the picture Rich was holding. “I spent a lot of time with your dad. He never let go of Vietnam, and in a way, that’s what made him who he was. He couldn’t talk about it much, but that was because he didn’t want to burden those he loved with the tragedy of what he lived through.”

  Rich’s face clouded over. “Doesn’t unconditional love mean being there for someone even when they’re not lovable? Otherwise, what’s the point? He never gave me an opportunity to take care of him or to even try to love him. When I look back on growing up without him, I know I’d rather have had him in my life with his quirks, warts, and all than not to have had him at all.”

  “I know, Rich, but your dad couldn’t see the world the same way you do.”

  “I overheard you tell your brother that his view of the world was too black and white. You’re right about that. It’s our messiness and imperfections that make us real and worthy of love. All the shades of who we are give us our true worth. I’d rather live a life in full color.”

  Isabella’s eyes misted over. “You not only look like your father, but you’re a sensitive and thoughtful person like he was. He would’ve been so proud to know you. I’m certain of that.”

  “He wasn’t brave enough to trust me to love him. By ending his life before he and I could meet, my father snuffed out the spark of hope I’d always carried that he and I could be friends someday. He cheated us both.”

  “Try not to be too hard on him. Like the rest of us, he sincerely tried to be the best he could.” Isabella caught a tear as it tracked down her cheek. “We can’t make our lives be something they aren’t, Rich. We just have to make the most of whatever circumstance we’re in. That’s what your dad did. I’m truly sorry you didn’t get to know him. I wish this could have ended differently.”

  “Me, too.” Rich hugged her. “Thank you for taking care of my father and for being a friend to him. I’m glad he had you to count on.” He studied the picture still in his hand then offered it to Isabella. “Thanks for bringing this.”

  “You keep it, Rich. I want you to have it.”

  He tucked the picture into the pocket of his shirt. “Maybe I’m out of line saying this because I don’t know what you’re going through that makes your brother think you need to go to confession. Whatever it is, don’t let fear dictate the path your heart chooses. My father may have been brave in a lot of ways, but he was afraid to let me love him. He and I both lost out.” He gave Isabella a quick kiss on the cheek and walked away to join a group of men sharing reminiscences about the General.

  Isabella reflected on what Rich had said about living life in full color. Can I live without the color Madison brought to my life? Who am I really cheating? She knew the answers to both questions.

  Chapter 23

  Isabella watched her brother Michael and his new bride dance the first dance of the evening. The wedding had been superb, despite the heavy rain from the dying hurricane. The storms passed quickly with little damage to New England. And even if the weather hadn’t fully cooperated, it would take a whole lot more than the remnants of a hurricane to put a damper on a Parisi celebration and party.

  Michael and Sarah looked lovely together out on the dance floor. With his dark hair, broad shoulders, and tailored Armani suit, he looked like a modern-day Prince Charming. Sarah was breathtaking in a classic white satin wedding gown. As they moved around the dance floor, Isabella saw her put her mouth next to Michael’s ear. She must have whispered something funny because he threw his head back and laughed out loud. He looked into the eyes of the woman he called his soul mate and smiled tenderly. Sarah kissed him on the lips, which prompted him to pull her closer.

  Like everything else since their awful fight, it mad
e Isabella think of Madison. She squeezed her eyes shut and willed her mind to change course. Why did every action, every touch, every glance by other couples have to remind her of Madison?

  She tried to focus on the fact that she was surrounded by her family again. Wasn’t that what she’d told Madison she wanted? The reception hall was filled with Parisi family members—cheerful, boisterous, a hearty living, breathing entity unto itself. Her family was the same as it had always been. But Isabella had changed. Being surrounded by them wasn’t like it used to be. The feeling of contentment and belonging that used to exist was gone. Yes, this was what she’d said she wanted. It destroyed her to realize it wasn’t where she belonged anymore.

  Isabella’s mother sat down beside her. “Are you all right, my darling? You look preoccupied by something. Is it Ben? I haven’t seen you two together much this evening.”

  Isabella couldn’t tell her mother about her feelings. Anything she said would get right back to her father. Her father was the family’s leader, and everyone, especially Isabella’s mother, knew when to step in line behind him. No one ever broke the unspoken rule that his was the last word.

  No good could come from Isabella confiding her undeniable feelings for Madison to her mother. She did need to set things straight about Ben, though. He was trying to be a friend, but he wore his ulterior motives on his sleeve. Isabella didn’t want her family or Ben to hang onto the false hope that they’d be a couple again. Her relationship with him was over, period. “I’m fine, a little tired I guess.”

  Isabella’s mother caressed her shoulder. “Your father and I want you to be happy. What you’re going through will pass. It would help if you tried to work things out with Ben.”

  Do they really care about my happiness? No one minced words when it came to telling her they thought she’d done the right thing by saying good-bye to Madison. Isabella felt like a stranger in an alien country. Her family didn’t even seem to notice. They didn’t want to know who she really was inside. In fact, as best she could tell from everything they said, she wasn’t supposed to have an inside. The void left when Madison walked out of her life was immense and grew bigger with each new day.

  Isabella measured the idea of being honest with her mother. Maybe it would be enough to get her to look deeper at who she was. She couldn’t continue to hide her grief. The emotion was too powerful. She gazed out at her happy family—the family that couldn’t grasp the happiness they’d insisted she needed to give up—and jumped in with both feet. “There isn’t anything for Ben and me to work out. This isn’t going to pass anytime soon, and if you really want to know how I feel, I’ll tell you. I’m destroyed, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never be happy like I was, ever again. I loved Madison… I still do and I always will.” She exhaled. For the first time in weeks her heart beat a little more freely.

  Isabella’s mother looked away from her daughter, as if she was somehow a disgusting sight to see. She made eye contact with Isabella’s father. It was probably the signal that it was his turn to try to talk some sense into their recalcitrant daughter. Isabella had an idea what her parents were up to. One way or the other, they were going to break whatever this was that was taking her from them.

  Robert Parisi walked with purpose up to his daughter and extended a hand to her. “May I have this dance?”

  Having the courage to be honest with her father wouldn’t be as easy as it had been with her mother. As a youngster, she idolized him and tried to think of ways to make him proud. She had a hard time imagining a life without his approval.

  She looked up at him. He smiled sweetly and took her hand. When she was a little girl, she’d always believed he’d keep her safe, that her father was the smartest and strongest among all fathers. She so wanted that feeling about him and her family to return.

  She walked with him to the dance floor. The beautiful singing of Rossini’s “Bel Canto” by Maria Callas played in the background as Isabella danced with her father. He used to play it for her when she was little to help her fall asleep.

  He said to her, “Isabella, I love you with all of my heart. Because of that, I only want what is best for you.”

  How could he possibly know what was best for her now that she was a grown woman? She wasn’t even sure what was best for herself. How could he know? Maybe it wasn’t about her after all, but about what was best for him. If that were true, then he didn’t really love her with all of his heart. He loved the idea of who he thought she should be. The realization made her feel completely alone, even in a room filled with the entire Parisi family and their friends.

  He had told her she would be “dead” to him if she stayed with Madison. When he first said it, she told herself it was only his anger talking. Isabella still wanted to believe in him like she had as a little girl. She rested her head on her father’s chest and closed her eyes. If he noticed that she was crying, he didn’t acknowledge it.

  Regardless of how much she loved her family, her heart didn’t belong to them anymore. It belonged to the one person in her life who had truly loved her unconditionally. Guilt rose in her throat like bitter bile. Madison had risked her heart to let Isabella in even though it terrified her to do so. In the end, she loved her enough to step aside so Isabella could have her family, if that’s what she wanted.

  Madison was right. She hadn’t been the one who placed the requirement to choose on her. It was her father. Such a thing didn’t come from a place of love.

  The horror of a new realization hit her. Isabella had done the same thing to Madison. Now she would have to live with her regret for having done such an awful thing to her. The difference between Isabella and her father was that she regretted what she’d done to Madison. He didn’t regret what he’d done to Isabella. The look in his eyes made that crystal clear.

  Isabella raised her head to get her father’s attention. “What if the thing that’s best for me is to be with Madison?” She readied herself for his terrible response.

  “You aren’t thinking clearly because of what she’s done to you. She is an awful woman who is leading you into a life of hell. It’s wrong, Isabella. I won’t allow it.”

  She pulled away from him. “Daddy, I love you. But I’m not a child anymore, and you don’t get to decide what’s best for me. Madison is a kind, generous person who is willing to put her life on the line to save injured soldiers. How can you say she’s an awful woman? She’s willing to go to horrific places like Iraq and Afghanistan to fight for people like you who hate her—hate her without even knowing her and for no good reason.” Isabella shook her head. “You should be ashamed. You aren’t who I always believed you to be. I made a mistake in giving Madison the same ultimatum you gave me. Love should make a person expand the circle of caring people around them, not make it smaller. I’m proud of who she is and that she loves me. I only hope she can forgive me for what I’ve done to her.”

  Isabella waited for her father’s anger to boil over.

  He spoke in a stage whisper. “You will not cause a scene at Michael’s wedding. Watch your tone with me. I saw what you two were doing. Not only was it revolting, she broke the rules of military conduct. She doesn’t deserve to wear this country’s uniform. You will get this nonsense out of your head immediately. Do you understand me?”

  “You’re wrong about that, Daddy. ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ isn’t in effect anymore. Even if it were, why should the government and people like you think you have the right to decide who someone loves? Love comes of its own free will, and I’m not going to walk away from it to satisfy you.” There was so much more she wanted to say, but words were no longer worth the effort. She said enough. She left her father standing on the dance floor.

  He yelled after her. “Where do you think you’re going? We haven’t finished this conversation.”

  She turned back to face him. “I’m done with this conversation, and I’m going to find Madison to apologize. She’s the only person I ever want to be with. I love her. Her service to our country
inspires me. You used to be my hero before I knew what that word really meant. Now that I do, I understand just how much of a hero Madison truly is. Just like David Cutter and all the rest of those veterans at the shelter.” She hurried out of the reception hall without looking back. The Parisi family would have to make do without her.

  The cool night air was a welcome contrast to the stuffiness of the reception hall. The freshness filled her with a sense of limitless possibility. Light drizzle fell from the sky. The overhang of the building provided enough cover to keep her dry. She felt like a falsely accused prisoner finally released from incarceration. She wasn’t afraid of losing her father’s love and acceptance anymore. From now on, he would have to work to gain hers.

  The doors to the reception hall swung open behind her. Maria grabbed her by the elbow. “What’s going on? Daddy is fuming.”

  “I told him I love Madison and I only want to be with her. I’m going to her. Don’t try to stop me. You can’t.”

  “I don’t intend to,” Maria said.

  “You mean they didn’t send you out here to try and talk some sense into me?”

  “Actually, they did.”

  Isabella pulled her arm free from Maria. “You can save your breath.”

  “If you’d quit being so bullheaded and let me say something, you might be surprised by it.” Maria raised an eyebrow in her bossy sister kind of way.

  “Fine, say what you’ve got to say. I can’t promise I’ll listen. I’m done with people trying to change my heart.”

  Maria smiled, “No one can change someone else’s heart.” Maria touched Isabella’s face with her fingertips. “Here’s the thing. It’s pretty simple. You were happier than I’ve ever seen you, when you were with Madison. Now, without her, you’re completely depressed. We only get to travel our road once in this life. We ought to be happy while we’re at it. I want to see you laugh again. If Madison’s the person who makes that happen, you should always keep her. I couldn’t imagine life without my Anthony. I don’t want you to have to imagine it without Madison if she’s the one you’re meant to be with. Besides, I’ve seen how you two look at each other. I know that look. I call it the unmistakable look of love. You go find her, and I’ll deal with Mom and Dad.”