To Breathe Again (Learning To Live Again Book 3)

by Dori Lavelle

  “Nick,” Shaun said under his breath, his throat tight.

  Nick recognized Shaun and in a flash, he charged toward him like a bull seeing red. Before Shaun could will his feet to move again, Nick grabbed his collar and slammed him against the wall next to the entrance. Then his hands were around Shaun’s neck, blocking his windpipe.

  “You killed her, you son of a bitch.” Nick’s face was so close to Shaun’s that beads of spittle landed on Shaun, carried on a wave of vodka-tainted breath. “First you killed my daughter, and now my wife.”

  Shaun gagged. He pooled his energy together and used it to uncurl Nick’s fingers one by one, then shoved him away just enough to create a distance between them. He bent in half and placed his own hands at his neck, gasping for air. “I didn’t…kill her.”

  Nick lunged at Shaun again and aimed a fist at his face. This time Shaun was quicker, and the older man punched the wall instead. “Shit! You’ll fucking pay for this. I swear you will.” He massaged his scraped knuckles.

  Anger rose up in Shaun’s aching throat. “I already did,” he spat, his voice hoarse. “I paid for what I did many times over. I am sorry for what happened to Nora, but I will not accept the blame for her death.” He gritted his teeth. “I loved your daughter more than anything in this world. I did what I did because she begged me to, because I loved her too much to see her suffer any more.” He fell back against the wall, his voice falling with him. “I loved Carmen too much.”

  “You have no right to speak her name.” Nick’s eyes were ablaze. He pointed a shaking finger at Shaun. “You didn’t deserve her. You were supposed to rot in prison for what you did.”

  Shaun narrowed his eyes. “You know the truth, Nick. You know she wanted to die. She clearly said so in the recording.”

  “My daughter loved life,” Nick retorted. “She would never ask anyone to kill her. I didn’t hear and I don’t want to hear any damn recording.”

  Shaun stared blankly at Nick, then realized what he meant. Carmen’s parents had walked out of the courtroom in the middle of Shaun’s appeal, when the recording was presented as evidence. They had refused to hear it, choosing instead to believe what they wanted.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Nick. I’m terribly sorry.” Shaun pushed himself away from the wall and headed for his truck, ignoring the gawking passersby.

  He pulled the door open just as Nick’s words hit his ears. “You don’t belong here. You’re dead to this town, Shaun Brannon. Dead.”

  When Shaun arrived home, he was fuming. It was one thing for him to feel responsible for Nora’s death, but quite another for Nick to accuse him of it. He walked through the front door, resisting the urge to slam it closed. Kelsey was in the living room, watching a film. Just the sight of her made him feel a little bit better. He wasn’t quite at home in Serendipity anymore, but he had a home in her, no matter what.

  “Hey, baby. I neglected you, I’m so sorry. I stayed longer than I expected.” He kissed her on the lips. “I will make it up to you, I promise.”

  Kelsey wound her arms around his neck and pulled him in for another, deeper kiss. “You already did.” She smiled up at him, her blue eyes twinkling. “I’m just happy you’re here.”

  ***

  “Baby, wake up.” Shaun kissed Kelsey on the neck and face until she roused from sleep. “I need to talk to you.”

  “What’s going on? You okay?”

  “I think so.” Shaun pulled Kelsey closer to him under the covers. “Remember when I said I didn’t think I could visit Carmen’s grave? I think I can now. I want to.”

  “What made you change your mind?” Kelsey asked, her voice husky.

  “You. I promised not to let anything else stand between us. I need to talk…to her. To say goodbye properly. I never really did.”

  “I think that’s a great idea.” Kelsey stretched and yawned.

  He kissed her on the forehead. “You don’t mind?”

  “Why should I? I came here to help you move on, to support you. When do you want to go?”

  “Now,” Shaun said without hesitation.

  Kelsey pulled herself up and blinked at him in the moonlight. “Can’t you go in the morning?”

  “I’ve waited long enough. And I don’t want to risk bumping into anyone. Come with me?” Kelsey was quiet for a long time. Shaun reached out and laid the palm of his hand against her cheek. “Unless it would be too uncomfortable for you. I just need you with me.”

  “I can handle it.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  The cemetery was a twenty-minute drive from Rachel’s house. Rather than drive in, Shaun parked farther down the road, next to Grace Chapel. Before they got out of the car, he reached into the backseat and grabbed a torch.

  Kelsey squeezed his hand. “Let me stay here. Give you time…alone.”

  Shaun kissed her. “Thank you for being here, for being you. I love you.”

  Kelsey smiled, and her eyes sparkled in the moonlight. “Thank you for saying that. I love you too. Now go.” She nudged his arm. “Do what you have to do.”

  Shaun sucked in a breath and opened the door. He flicked on the torch, and golden light flooded the sidewalk. He focused on moving forward. Now that he was here, his whole body, and especially his feet, felt heavy. But he had to do this. He needed closure. His visit to Carmen’s grave was long overdue.

  The closer he came to the gate, the more he wanted to run away. To just be with Kelsey and pretend his past never happened. But the death of his first love—a death he had caused—had to be faced. He could try to mold the present, he could fantasize about the future. But the past was a done deal. There was no undoing it, no wishing it away. No matter how dark it was. He had to move on with his life, with his past tucked away inside his heart, inside his own room of memories. But first he had to accept it, and that meant making friends with it. By now he had learned that fighting it just complicated things, and stopped him from moving ahead.

  He shone the light at the rusty gate and lifted his hand to touch the cool metal. He pushed it open and walked through.

  Leaves above rustled in the breeze, and his heart pounded hard against his chest. It didn’t take him long to find the grave, even in the dark. Her tombstone was as beautiful as she had been. It was polished black granite with a black-and-white photo of her—the special touch only she could give it.

  He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and shone the torch on the engraving. Carmen Alice Brannon. The words Loving daughter were written under her name. Nothing about her being a loving wife. If she hadn’t taken his last name, no one would know they’d ever been married.

  He would have wanted more for her gravestone. Perhaps some writing of his choosing, so he could say how much she would be missed. But he had nothing to do with her burial preparations, thanks to her parents. He was in jail at the time anyway, awaiting trial. Since neither Nick nor Nora visited him there, the only messages he sent them were through his lawyer. Every wish of his had been ignored. He had wanted her to wear her favorite dress, the one he’d had remade just for her. Instead, his lawyer had returned with the dress stuffed in a garbage bag. It had been cut to shreds. Shaun had gotten the message, loud and clear.

  He dropped to his feet and let go of the torch, which rolled away from him on the grass. He gripped the tombstone, and in that moment he swore he smelled her perfume on the breeze. He swallowed the tears in his throat and leaned his forehead against hers. At the contact, all his earlier resistance crashed and burned. Tears spilled from his eyes, flooding his throat, choking each word as he spoke.

  “Carmen,” he said. “Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. I wanted to make it better. I… God, I loved you so much. Carmen, I wish you could come back to me. I wish I could see your beautiful green eyes again.” He laughed then, even as the tears flowed. “I can’t believe us getting married opened the door to everything that destroyed us. I can’t believe the future we planned was stolen from us.” He pulled his head back from the stone and turn
ed his face up to the sky, blinked several times, and looked down again. His tears dripped on granite. “I still don’t know how to go on living without you. I’ll try. But, Carmen, I will never love another woman as much as I loved you. Never.”

  As soon as the words left his lips, he felt a presence behind him. Then he smelled her perfume—Kelsey’s perfume. He turned; she was standing behind him, her hand hovering above his shoulder. She had been about to touch him, to comfort him. Now she was frozen.

  She stepped back. Her eyes were shining, but she was smiling. She pursed her lips and shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said. “I understand. I’ll go back to the car.” She turned and walked away, her shoulders shaking. She was crying for him while he grieved for another woman.

  He wanted to jump up and follow her, but his body wouldn’t let him.

  He couldn’t leave Carmen, not yet. When would he get the chance to see her again? If Nick found out he’d come here, there was no doubt he’d be banned from the cemetery. He leaned his forehead against hers again and stayed that way for a long while, crying for what they had lost. He spoke to her again, but this time the words were silent. He told her how much he’d loved her, how that would never change. And then he told her about Kelsey. He told her how Kelsey had taught him to breathe again, and she was teaching him how to love again. He told Carmen he loved Kelsey deeply…but differently. He told her he would never forget her, but he also would not let the love she had given him go to waste. He would add to it by loving Kelsey more than any man had ever loved her. He would make sure Carmen’s love lived on forever, through him.

  When his heart was empty, he reached for the torch and pushed himself up onto his feet. He planted a kiss on her photo. The stone was cold against his lips. Then he smiled and walked away, back to Kelsey, to his new life. He felt lighter somehow.

  He climbed into the truck and looked at Kelsey. She had been facing the window, but turned to smile at him through her veil of tears. “I’m sorry,” she said. “She was your first love. You never love anyone like your first love. I have no right to be upset.”

  Shaun exhaled, grateful that she understood. Then he put his hands on her cheeks and pulled her face close to his. “I said I can never love any woman as much as I loved Carmen. But that isn’t completely true. Carmen taught me how to love. Because of her, I can love you. And I do love you, Kelsey O’Neil.” He smiled. “And I can tell you that right now, I wouldn’t want to restart my life with any other woman. Look at everything we’ve gone through together. If we were not meant to be, we wouldn’t be here right now. You’re the strongest, most loving woman I have met in a long time. You healed my heart, Kelsey. You have my heart.” With his thumbs, he wiped away the tears on Kelsey’s cheeks. “No more looking back. I promise you that. It’s time to move forward, for real. Life is short. I can’t let another moment slip away.”

  Kelsey sighed and buried her fingers into his hair. Tears streamed down her cheeks. “What you just said… Those are the most beautiful words any man has ever said to me. I’d rather have a man who had known love before than one who hadn’t experienced love at all. Thank you for choosing me to start over with.”

  “Thank you. Now let’s go home and get some sleep. Or… maybe something else. I have some ideas.” He winked and gunned the engine.

  When they’d climbed back under the covers, Shaun made love to Kelsey like he never had before. After, he pulled her onto his chest and listened to her heartbeat as he stroked her hair. He had meant every word he’d said to her.

  ***

  The words he’d said at Carmen’s grave had hurt her more than she wanted to admit, but as she’d walked to the car, she remembered her promise to herself, and to him. She had promised to love all of him. There was no him without Carmen, without his past. Carmen had shaped him in more ways than one.

  And she’d meant what she’d said. She’d rather he had loved before than never have loved at all. He knew the depths of love—the strength it gave, and the pain, the loss. He would not settle for the surface of love and be fooled into thinking he had reached his destination. He would live, striving to love her, until he reached that depth again. And his words in the car had only strengthened her belief in them and their love.

  Lying with her head on his chest, she watched the sun awakening behind the curtain, generously sharing its light with the world. A new day had begun, and she had never felt more loved, more safe. She would never take Shaun for granted. She didn’t know what their future held, what awaited them, but they didn’t have to know what was coming next. They had this moment. And they would make the most of it.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Shaun turned the key in the lock until it gave a familiar click. How many times had he heard that sound in the past? It felt like a lifetime ago, and yet like it was just yesterday.

  His mother and brothers had removed all the covers from the furniture, and cleaned and aired the whole house. Just in case he wanted to spend time here, surrounded by Carmen’s memories.

  He hadn’t had the guts to visit his former home until today. His visit to her grave last night had strengthened him, spurred him to seek further closure. He had only slept two hours before he slipped out of the house, leaving Kelsey and his mother still sleeping.

  He closed the front door behind him and held his breath as he strode to the bedroom, stopping here and there to touch a curtain, a vase, a picture frame. He was gasping for air by the time he walked into their bedroom. He walked past the bed, its mattress still covered with their lush bedspread, and threw open the window. He gazed out at the garden. All the plants should have been dead by now, but the grass and leaves were lush, and the flowers bloomed. The water in the small pond was so clear, Shaun was able to see to the bottom. It seemed his family had joined forces to ensure the house welcomed him home.

  Next he visited Carmen’s room of memories—the hardest room to enter. He turned in a full circle, taking in the shelves, boxes, the cases, the bags. Still just as perfect as he’d wanted it to be for her. It tore at his heart that she never had a chance to fill it with the memories they’d planned to make after their wedding.

  He closed his eyes and reached out to her memories, feeling the joy her souvenirs had brought her, hearing the excited ring of her laughter, tasting the salt of her happy tears. He didn’t need to touch a thing to feel her. Carmen had not been at that grave last night. She was right here in this room. This was her life.

  The doorbell rang and Shaun’s eyes sprang open. He opened the door to find all his brothers on the doorstep. Dustin and Cole were dressed in old t-shirts, and scuffed jeans or shorts. Garrett, on the other hand, wore a brown shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and deep blue denim jeans. A moving truck stood behind them.

  “Ready?” Dustin asked as he walked past Shaun, carrying an orange toolbox.

  “If not, take all the time you need. We’ll camp out in the kitchen. We brought coffee and bagels.” Cole headed for the kitchen with a grocery bag. He had always been the one to clear the fridge growing up.

  “I’ll stay here and catch a few more minutes of sleep. Had a long night.” Garrett threw himself on the couch and clasped his hands behind his head.

  Coming to the house alone, before they all arrived, had been the right thing to do. Instead of weakening him, it had helped him feel closer to Carmen and strengthened his resolve to let her go.

  He started giving orders. “Garrett, get off that couch. Cole, we can eat later. Too much to do.”

  With a smile, Garrett stretched and got up. His brothers sprang into action, helping him pack the contents of the house, and keeping his mood elevated with jokes and good-natured teasing.

  Shaun insisted on packing up the bedroom by himself. With every item he put away, he said another small goodbye to her.

  Five hours later, all the boxes were full and the first truckload packed. They sat on the doorstep enjoying Cole’s coffee and bagels and talking about their childhoods, their parents, and how they had
shaped the men they had become.

  When only crumbs were left in the bag of bagels, Shaun rose. “Come on, guys. Let’s get these things to Oasis.”

  Carmen had been a loving and giving person, who was always concerned for those less fortunate than her. She would have wanted her things to be donated to a place that helped those people. Heat’s wife, Melisa, had proposed they donate them to the Oasis Shelter, a place that had helped her during some rough times.

  They worked all day, taking truckloads to Oasis and returning to load up again. When night fell, the house was empty, and the few boxes left were filled only with Carmen’s memories. He would keep them in his mother’s basement until he figured out what to do with them. His first thought was to give some of the things to Nick, but after their last encounter, he wasn’t sure that would be a good idea.

  Before returning home, Shaun and his brothers stopped at the local diner for supper. When he got home, Kelsey and his mother were already asleep. He hadn’t seen Kelsey all day, and he so wanted to look into her eyes. But he didn’t wake her. He took a shower in the guest bathroom and slipped into bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her body, kissing the nape of her neck. Without waking, Kelsey curved her body into his.

  This was where he wanted to be, he thought as he drifted off. He had a future, and it had a name: Kelsey.

  In the morning, he called a realtor and put his old house on the market.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Brannon.” Heat pulled Shaun into a warm hug. “Great to see you, my friend.” He released him and turned to Kelsey, hugging her as well. “You must be Kelsey. So glad you two could make it.”

  “Nice to meet you too, Heat.”

  Shaun’s eyes crinkled with a smile. It was a relief to be with someone who was on his side.