To Breathe Again (Learning To Live Again Book 3)

by Dori Lavelle

  “No.” Kelsey slumped forward, clutching her head, her hands over her ears. “No. No. No.” The word bounced off the walls.

  Shaun’s brothers all fell into their seats and Kelsey heard crying. Rachel shrieked and then just stood there with a hand over her mouth, staring into space.

  “I’m sorry,” the doctor repeated.

  Her words punched Kelsey in the stomach and the sudden urge to throw up rushed through her. She shot out of her chair and pushed past the doctor, stumbling into a nearby bathroom.

  Inside a stall, she sank to her knees in front of a toilet, retching as tears blinded her vision. How could this be happening?

  Chapter Twenty

  Kelsey didn’t stop running until she’d burst through the hospital’s front doors. Outside, she dropped to her knees on the sidewalk and buried her face between them, shaking with grief. How could this be? How could she have made love to him last night, slept in his embrace, and now he was dead?

  Shaun was dead. Gone.

  The dam collapsed and tears poured from her eyes, blinding her, choking her, her stomach twisting as if it were a towel being wrung. This pain was like nothing she’d experienced before.

  Someone laid a warm and comforting hand on her back, but she shook it off without bothering to look at who it belonged to. She didn’t want comfort. Accepting comfort meant accepting what had happened. And she couldn’t do that.

  The person walked away, and she was aware of others walking around her. They did not try to approach her, probably afraid her bad luck and grief would rub off on them.

  She finally pulled herself up from the ground and walked away from the hospital without looking back. Deep down, she wanted to go back inside, to insist on seeing him for herself. But she was terrified to see him drained of life, just a body on a table.

  She wandered for an hour around town in the dark with no idea where she was going. She just wanted to get lost. After a while she hailed a cab and found herself back at Serendipity Lake Park.

  Areas of the lake and grass were still strewn with wilting petals from the festival. Sweet smells hung in the air. How could an event so beautiful have ruined everything?

  Feeling as if she were floating, Kelsey headed for the place they had been when it had happened, but it was surrounded by police tape. She lowered herself onto the grass and drew her knees to her chest, rocking herself back and forth.

  It started to rain. Fat raindrops beat down on her scalp, drenching her hair. As she gulped for air that felt too thick, water streamed into her mouth. She didn’t move, even though she was shivering. She curled up into a ball and wept for Shaun, for the life they would never have.

  Her phone vibrated inside her pocket and she hesitated. Only Rachel and Shaun had her phone number. When she pulled it out, she saw an unknown number. She wiped the water off the screen with her skirt and picked up the call, but didn’t speak.

  “Kelsey, are you there?” It sounded like Dustin on the other end, but his voice sounded different. It kept breaking off.

  “Yes,” she whispered, and with the other hand she pushed herself to her feet and went to sit on a bench under a tree, where the leaves stopped most of the rain from reaching her.

  “Where are you? We’ve been looking for you.”

  Kelsey blinked raindrops and tears from her eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. “At the park.” She paused. “Have you… Have you seen Shaun?”

  There was a long silence on the other end, and when Dustin spoke again, his voice was soaked with tears. “Not yet… It’s too hard.”

  “It’s confirmed?” At the back of her mind, she still hung on to a thin thread of hope. “Is he really…”

  “Yes. He’s gone, sweetheart. Please come back to the hospital. It’s not good for you to be alone right now.”

  “Oh my God.” Kelsey pinched the bridge of her nose and shut her eyes, squeezing tears out of them. She started to cry again, louder this time. “I don’t know…” She hiccupped. ‘I can’t believe it. I don’t know what to do without him.”

  “I know,” he said simply. “Come back. We will all get through this together, okay?”

  Kelsey nodded and hung up. They would get through it together, but she wasn’t one of them. They had each other, and they had a lifetime of wonderful memories of Shaun. After his funeral, she would return to Ireland, all alone, to grieve for him. She would have her family and friends, of course, but no one there loved Shaun like she did. He was dead, and she wanted to die too. The memory of him opening the velvet box and kneeling in front of her played over and over in her mind.

  Why was it that the happiest days of his life had been cursed? First the accident on his wedding night, and then the shot that killed him on the night he proposed to his second love. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to him. It wasn’t fair to the people who loved him.

  ***

  Kelsey stood shivering, still in shock, on the street corner. She hailed a cab to drive her back to the hospital; and the driver threw curious glances at her in the rearview mirror, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak to him apart from telling him where to drop her off. She gazed at the window, watching the raindrops merge into each other to form rivulets that flowed across the grass.

  Her eyes were finally dry, but her heart was made of lead. The knot in her stomach tightened as they approached Serendipity Memorial. She wanted to cry again, to let the rest of her emotions out, but she was paralyzed.

  She paid the driver without a word and got out of the taxi, then just stood there in the rain, watching people enter and exit the hospital. Some had smiles on their faces, perhaps from news of their loved ones’ recoveries, or healthy babies born. Some, like her, walked out with shadowed faces, or tears streaming down their cheeks.

  She forced herself to lift one foot and move it forward, then the other, until she was walking faster, and then running. Suddenly the fear of seeing Shaun dead was swallowed by the need to see him at all. She had to see him one more time before he drifted too far from his living self. She had to try and say goodbye.

  The elevator doors opened and she almost slipped out of her wet shoes as she raced down the corridor, breathing hard.

  The waiting room they had all gathered in earlier was empty. Confused, she asked a passing nurse if she’d seen Shaun’s family, but the woman shook her head and left her standing there. She headed for the information desk.

  One of the nurses gave her a bright smile. “Mr. Brannon’s family is still here.”

  “Where?” Kelsey asked, her voice just a little above a whisper. “I want to go to him.”

  “Sorry, miss, we can’t allow more than two people to see him at once. Only his mother and one of his brothers are inside now. The rest are in the green waiting room.”

  “Thank you.” Kelsey turned.

  The nurse called out before she was out of earshot. “The operation went well,” she said. “It was a close call, but he pulled through.”

  Kelsey spun around and gaped at her. “What did you say?” Her lips trembled. “Shaun… he’s alive?”

  “Yes,” the nurse said. “He almost didn’t make it. He was very lucky.”

  Tears welled up in Kelsey’s eyes. “But…the doctor…she said…she said Shaun was dead.”

  “I’m sorry.” The nurse stole a glance at her colleague. “There was a mix-up. The news was meant for someone else, who was supposed to be in the same waiting room.”

  A smile broke across Kelsey’s face and she rushed off, waving at the nurse. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

  “Wait,” the nurse called and Kelsey turned around again. “Take this.” The nurse walked over to her and handed her a blanket. “You’re dripping wet.”

  “Thanks.” Kelsey smiled and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders.

  Dustin and Cole looked up when she entered the waiting room. Relief was written all over their faces.

  Dustin pulled her into a hug. “It was a mistake. We found out right after I calle
d you.” In response, Kelsey sobbed as he held her close. “It’s okay now, Kelsey,” he said. “Everything will be all right.”

  “He wants to see you.” A female voice slipped through the sound of her sobs. Both she and Dustin turned to the door.

  Rachel stood there, smiling, with Garrett behind her. She crossed the room and embraced Kelsey, both of them crying.

  “Shhhh.” Rachel cupped the back of Kelsey’s head. “He’s all right. There was a mix-up.” She pulled back and looked Kelsey in the face. “He’s asking for you.” She gave Kelsey the room number, and Kelsey walked out of the room, feeling weightless.

  Shaun smiled weakly when she entered. Her heart raced as she took in the oxygen tube in his nose, the beeping heart monitor, and the IV bag above his bed.

  Pushing past the shock that still hadn’t quite faded, she rushed over to his bed and kissed his face gently, careful not to brush against his bandaged left shoulder. “I thought… Oh God, I thought I’d lost you, Shaun. I can’t even imagine…”

  “You don’t have to. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, baby.”

  Kelsey laughed through her tears. “I’m so glad to hear that.” She wondered whether his mother had told him about them getting someone else’s bad news. She decided not to mention it. All that mattered now was that he was alive and here with them. With her.

  She perched on the edge of the bed. “How do you feel? Are you in pain?”

  He nodded. “A little. They gave me some drugs.” His voice was drowsy. “But that doesn’t matter. You’re here. And you’re going to be my wife. A bullet to the shoulder is nothing compared to a future without you in it.”

  “I agree.” Kelsey giggled and then her tone turned serious. “Do you know who did it?”

  Shaun nodded and the grey in his eyes deepened. “The police were here a few minutes ago. It was Carmen’s father.”

  Anger heated Kelsey’s cheeks. “That bastard. How could he?”

  “The police found him hiding in the woods not long after the ambulance picked me up.”

  Silence filled the space between them. They were both thinking the same thing. It must have been awful for Nick to lose both his daughter and his wife. But that didn’t excuse what he did.

  Kelsey didn’t miss the struggle between anger and empathy that painted Shaun’s face. “I’m just glad you’re okay,” she said. “I think it’s best we keep a low profile from now on.” Kelsey gently touched the bandage. “I wouldn’t want you to get hurt again.”

  “I know. But I have a feeling I’ll be a target even behind closed doors.” He blinked. “This is my hometown. I cannot let them drive me away.” He narrowed his eyes. “Why are you wearing a blanket? Are you okay?”

  “Never been better,” Kelsey said. “I was just outside for… a walk. I got caught in the rain.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  After all these years, the dirty white building with its reinforced concrete walls and razor wire fence still unleashed dread within Shaun. He stood outside the gate for a while, rubbing his wrists unconsciously, the way he had every time the handcuffs had been removed.

  He took several breaths, and then forced himself to go inside.

  He pressed a bell and the small gate yawned open. He had only spent a week in the tiny and cramped Serendipity jail before being moved to a larger county jail in Madison, where he’d awaited his trial.

  Apart from the fear, jail hadn’t been so bad. It didn’t come close to how it had been in prison, which made even the strongest men cry for their mothers.

  As he walked toward the guard, he recalled his life behind bars—the sound of steel against steel, the cold cement, the thin mattress that had been hell to sleep on. Most of all, he remembered how it had smelled—metallic, the ever-present mildew, the sweat, the vomit, the urine.

  Forcing himself to breathe, he approached the visitors’ desk to show his ID, went through security, locked his belongings in a locker, and was led into the waiting room, which had a sheet of glass along the length of one wall and numbers in front of each chair facing the glass.

  He walked over to the number assigned to him and lightly touched the strap of the sling that supported his arm. Three days after being shot, he had insisted on checking himself out of the hospital. He had the sling, he had the painkillers. Lying in a hospital bed was a waste of time. He had things to do.

  Five minutes later, the man he was here to visit appeared on the other side of the glass. His eyes were dark, empty holes, his hair was greasy, and his beard greyer than when Shaun had seen him at Garrett’s office building. And he had a cut above his right eye. With difficulty, he lowered himself into the chair opposite Shaun, on the other side of the glass partition and licked his cracked lips.

  Shaun cleared his throat and with his good arm, he reached for the handset. Nick hesitated, then he did the same. He didn’t say anything, just waited. Shaun expected him to explode with further insults and accusations, but perhaps he was too broken now. Shaun felt a pang of pity for the man.

  “Nick,” Shaun said.

  Nick nodded. “Shaun.”

  “Are they treating you all right?”

  Nick’s eyes flitted to one of the guards in the room and then he nodded again. “What do you want?” His voice was empty. The fight had gone out of him.

  Shaun drew a breath. “To tell you what I told you last time we met. I’m truly sorry for your loss.”

  Nick shrugged, but Shaun saw the sparkle in his eyes. He moved the handset from his ear and placed it on his leg. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose. When he picked it up again, his eyes felt hot. “I have some things that meant a lot to her… Carmen. You can have some of them. If you want.”

  Nick blinked several times. He didn’t need to speak for Shaun to know he accepted the offer.

  “Nick, Carmen was my life. When she died, I died inside. All those years I was a shell. I wanted to die, to be with her. I loved her more than I’ve ever loved any woman. I understand your pain.”

  “You have no fuckin’ idea what I’m going through.” The words were strong, but Nick’s voice was still flat.

  “You’re right. I have no idea. I lost one person I love. You lost two.” The pain in Shaun’s shoulder flared for a moment, but he ignored it. “You still had no right to try and kill me.” He shook his head. “But look, Nick. You’ve gone through enough. You don’t belong here. I’m going to drop the charges, let you go free.”

  Nick wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and then he nodded. He was quiet for a long time, and then he parted his lips. His voice was so soft, Shaun almost didn’t hear him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” Shaun wiped his own eyes. “You can pick up Carmen’s things from my mother’s house anytime. Call before you show up so I can make myself scarce.”

  A tiny smile curled Nick’s mouth, and Shaun realized that the last time he’d seen the man smile had been at the wedding. He’d liked Nick then, and Nick had liked him.

  “I have to go now,” Shaun said. “Take care of yourself, Nick. Goodbye.”

  Nick nodded and placed the handset back in its cradle. He remained sitting as Shaun put down his own and walked to the door.

  Outside, in the fresh air, Shaun sighed with relief. He climbed back inside the truck and kissed Kelsey. “Thanks for making me go see him. I think it was good for both of us.”

  “He didn’t try to attack you through the glass, I hope.” Kelsey started the engine.

  “No, he looked defeated. I felt sorry for him. His whole family is gone. I just couldn’t let him go to prison.”

  Kelsey smiled. “You did the right thing. You’re the most wonderful man I know.”

  “I wouldn’t be that without you, Kelsey. I hope you know that.”

  Kelsey stole a glance at him. “Never forget that.” She laughed. “Actually, I won’t let you forget that.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “Come on, tell me where we’re going,” Kelsey begged Sha
un as she slipped into her champagne-colored peep-toes. It had been a while since she’d dressed up. Excitement trickled through her body.

  This morning, Shaun had left the house before six and showed up just before lunch. He’d whisked her off to a glamorous clothing store, where he bought her an evening gown. After that, he drove her to Stalford Jewelers, where he splurged on an expensive diamond necklace with matching earrings. The whole time he’d had a grin on his face, but he refused to say what he was up to.

  “Stop begging. I’m a man of my word. I shall reveal nothing.” He came and kissed her on the side of the neck before reaching for his cufflinks.

  She had never seen him in a tuxedo before, and he looked sexier than ever. He had also been to the hairdresser, and his glossy hair was much shorter now. He looked like an undiscovered male model, and Kelsey glowed just knowing he was her man.

  “Done,” Kelsey said, admiring herself in the mirror. Her hair fell to her shoulders in soft waves, and one side was pinned up above the ear in a diamond butterfly clip Rachel had given her. Her eyes sparkled like the jewels in her ears and around her neck. The black strapless gown made her look elegant and sexy. She was ready for anything.

  “Good, let’s hit the road.” Shaun reached out his hand for hers. “I cannot wait to take you out, my lady.”

  “Yes, sir.” Kelsey stood from the padded stool and wrapped her fingers around his.

  Rachel, who looked graceful in a maroon and black knee-length lace dress, had tears in her eyes. She covered her mouth as she watched them coming down the stairs. “You two look stunning. You were just made for each other, weren’t you?”

  “Don’t we know it,” Shaun said. Kelsey just smiled.

  Rachel picked up her clutch purse from the couch and opened the front door. Kelsey gasped.

  Dustin was wearing a tuxedo and had his hair slicked back. Behind him, a sleek black limousine gleamed in the driveway.