Dead Jack and the Pandemonium Device

by James Aquilone

  Mehmet giggled.

  This seemed to bewilder the other demons.

  “What was that queer sound you uttered?” Azazel asked as he leaned forward and studied me more intently.

  Mehmet looked confused as well. After a long silence, he said, “I was merely clearing my throat.”

  I squirmed some more and the demon’s giggle turned into a laugh.

  His nefarious cohorts gasped.

  “Your face has changed!” one of the demons said. “What has happened to your grimace?”

  “What is this nonsense?” Mehmet said.

  I really laid it on, doing a boogie-woogie in the demon’s palm, my body rubbing against his black palm.

  The dark lord jiggled and wiggled and laughed.

  “He is making merry!” shouted Azazel.

  “I never knew it possible,” another demon said.

  “I should like to make merry, too,” yet another creature said. “Hand over that worm!”

  But Mehmet’s merriment had overwhelmed him and he ignored their pleas to enjoy me as well.

  “Hold out your palm!” a demon said to Azazel. He did and the demon tickled his fiendish friend. Azazel tittered. The demon tickled more furiously and Azazel’s titter turned into a guffaw.

  “Do me!” the others shouted, and soon all the demons were tickling each other and laughing like schoolchildren. Eventually they all ended up on the ground, rolling in hysterics.

  I made my escape.

  Fortunately the demons’ poker table was perched above the animal pen. From my higher vantage point, I was able to spot the jackal. (He really did look like a jackal.) The canine walked in a circle in the northwestern quadrant.

  I morphed back to my old self and jumped into the pen.

  I removed a sack that I had ensconced in my innards. Inside the sack was the peanut-butter-covered feather. I cornered the animal against the rock wall and waved the feather in front of his snout. He ignored it and stared up at me.

  I thought for sure he wouldn’t be able to resist peanut butter!

  I tried to shove the feather in its mouth, but the animal refused to unclench its teeth.

  By my calculations, I had only another fifteen minutes before the RavenHawk returned.

  I knew of only one other way to induce vomiting: vomit yourself.

  Without a digestive system, I needed to fake it. I turned to the side and began to heave and gag. The canine looked at me curiously. His stomach seemed to tighten. Was it working? I retched harder. The jackal/coyote seemed to choke, but he did not puke.

  I fell to the ground writhing in fake pain, gagging like a sick kraken. He stuck his snout in my face and began to lick me. I didn’t hesitate. I shoved the feather down his throat. I jumped up and pushed the feather deep into his innards.

  The canine heaved. A large lump appeared in his neck and then with a large burp his jaws parted. Vomit geysered out and hit me directly in the face. A small, white goose followed, smacking into my midsection and landing on the ground awkwardly.

  Dazed, it hopped up on its feet and blinked.

  I held the feather at the ready, but then I noticed the demons’ laughter had subsided. Now there was less than ten minutes to rendezvous with the RavenHawk. I grabbed the goose and shoved him inside my sack.

  I raced to the edge of Black Rock and dove into the Undead Sea. Mission accomplished! (Sort of. Could you tell the difference between a coyote and a jackal, you dead dummy?)

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost, my thanks to Louis Schroeder, who employed his ninja skills to help make this book a reality. Ed Watson’s incredible artwork turned this little project into a big project. I can’t thank him enough for the huge amount of effort he put into this. Eve Conte Seligman edited this book not once, but twice, and saved me quite a lot of embarrassment. My thanks to her as well as Dave Seligman, who contributed his InDesign expertise and answered all of my annoying questions. My thanks to Tim Marquitz, who helped me to bring emotion to the story. John Harlacher has done so much to bring this project to life and to a wider audience that I’ll always be in his debt.

  There were many folks who helped out with the Kickstarter campaign, offering their work or advice. My thanks in particular to DeAnna Knippling, Doug Draa, John Betancourt, Steven Gladin, Alex Shvartsman, and Margot Atwell.

  My wife, Jennifer, has always been my first reader and biggest supporter. Thank you, sweetie!

  And of course a big thank-you to all the Kickstarter backers. Without them, this book wouldn’t have been half as cool. Turn the page for a list of all these awesome people.

  Dead Jack Kickstarter Backers

  Mary D’Ambrosio

  Sara and Louis Schroeder

  Angela Schroeder

  Nancy, Nick, and Ryan Nicotera

  Roger Beckett

  DeAnna Knippling

  Eric Allen

  Beth Cato

  Juliana Rew

  John Rap (Creator of Electromagnate)

  David Quist

  David O’Hanlon

  Kyle Erha

  Christopher “Ju Ju” Merrill

  Mel Torrella

  J.W. Craft II

  Emily Sunnucks

  Michelle Muhs

  Philip Gunsaules

  A.J. Reta

  Jackson Coates

  Garry Kraft

  Rob Steinberger

  Mike Evans

  Eric “Tuckmeister” Tucker

  Trent “Goregasm23” Tomlinson

  Jorge Urdiain

  Stacey L. Hallock

  Mike “Shack” Shackelford

  Nikolai Go Tenazas

  Thomas Saboy

  David Cason

  KMC

  Taz

  Monty Mantione

  John Ayers, Abdicated King of Sensible Castle of Ireland AKA Episkopos Dilligaf I; Hail Eris!

  Joe Stech

  Tyler Taute

  Darren A Atkinson

  Ariel Bermudo

  Nathaniel O’Coin

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  Archigan

  Zivan Denney

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  Xavier Lambercy

  Jay Spence

  Joe Pate

  Katrina Plonczynski

  Brook

  Flint & Steel

  Jeff C

  John M. Creagar

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  Lark Cunningham

  Kris Mellinger

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  Caro Wick

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  Tom Hoefle

  Charles Fridge

  Josh Evans

  Jack Hickey

  Rory V. Block

  Ben Berger

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  Jim Giering

  Ethan Michel

  Joe Pulver’s Mustache

  The Hand of Nyarlathotep

  Michael Fowler

  Melissa Bryan

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  Andrew N Ferguson

  Arran Dickson

  Erich Buchrieser

  Xavier Riesco

  Kathleen Fincham

  Ian Washburn

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  Alexander Gudenau

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  Ed Dexter

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  Lady Rissa Moore

  Tony and
Theresa Grey

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  David “subQuark” Miller

  Cole Kidd

  Jim & Paula Kirk

  Matthew Agle

  Stop Short

  Trevor Wayne Phillips

  Jay Brigman

  Kathy Maloy

  Will Q

  Jose Gonzalez

  Tim Migliore

  Eric Sowder

  Kai Fraass

  Garrett Calcaterra

  Randy P. Belanger

  Sandra Diaz

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  Thomas Ling

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  Teri Keas

  Stephen Duke Lord

  Michael Scholz

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  Jessie Gary

  Tony Muzi

  Peter Kelly

  Russell Roberto

  jamie cutler

  James P. Barbaro

  Formium Gotten

  Jillyjally

  Lizz Lektrik

  Sheldon Smith

  Sarah Gaulden

  Dean b lynch

  Dan A Nelson

  Callum E. Moore

  Richard Bartisek

  Jeff Weber

  Kenneth Lee Holliday, Jr.

  Keelee von Cupcake

  Laura Rushing

  Jason T Blackstone

  Jess White

  Zachariah M. Long

  William Groat

  Scott P Berger

  Victor C. Pelletier, Jr.

  Amanda Evans Mahony

  Steven Jasiczek

  Andrew M Poirier

  Pamela St Joseph

  Andy Beer

  Bryan Geddes

  Robert Lee Geddes

  Dimosthenis Mplatsis

  John Wharton

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  Ghastly Games

  Ioannis Cleary

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  The Warped One

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  Constance Fletcher

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  Clark Newton

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  Brandon Salkil

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  Blake Standard

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  Tabitha Wilson

  Krikkit[ONE]

  About the Author

  James Aquilone was raised on Saturday morning cartoons, comic books, sitcoms, and Cap’n Crunch. Amid the Cold War, he dreamed of being a jet fighter pilot but decided against the military life after realizing it would require him to wake up early. He had further illusions of being a stand-up comedian, until a traumatic experience on stage forced him to seek a college education. Brief stints as an alternative rock singer/guitarist and child model also proved unsuccessful. Today he battles a severe chess addiction while trying to write in the speculative fiction game.

  His short fiction has been published in such places as Nature’s Futures, The Best of Galaxy’s Edge 2013-2014, Unidentified Funny Objects 4, and Weird Tales magazine. Suffice it to say, things are going much better than his modeling career.

  James lives in Staten Island, New York, with his wonderful wife, Jennifer.

  Table of Contents

  Waiting for My Wee-Man

  The Green and the Furious

  Ship of Fools

  Kraken Bait

  Down and Out in the Broken Lands

  The Best-Laid Plan

  And Into the Fire

  Like a Bat Out of Hell

  I Found My Thrill on Corpse Hill

  They Built This City on Rock and Bones

  Dinner for Demons (and Assorted Other Monsters)

  A Room Without a View

  Beneath the Palace of the Arseholes

  A Zombie by Any Other Name

  Return of the White Blob

  A Stroll Down Mnemosyne Lane

  A God Reborn

  Flying the Fiendish Skies

  Monster Island Mash

  Interdimensional Baby Got Back

  The Pandemonium Device Is Fully Operational

  Fear and Loathing in ShadowShade

  The Case of the Amorous Ogre

  Bonus Material: Incident on Black Rock

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author