Summer State of Mind

by Jen Calonita

  I reach the clearing and realize I’ve somehow turned myself around. I’m by the theater now. The weather is written on a board on the path, and I see it’s supposed to be rainy and windy tomorrow. Great. I’ll be locked in my bunk with Jeanie all day, hearing about her and Ethan’s amazing time together at the lake. I walk up the porch steps and sit down. It’s dark, so I know everyone has gone home. I can see all the way down to the lake from here, and it doesn’t take me more than a second to see the bonfire. Even in the darkness, I can see the outlines of people moving around the fire. They’re probably all laughing about Lina and me being stupid enough to fall for their charade again. And Ethan and Kyle are doing nothing to stop them. I stare at the flames of the bonfire in a sort of trancelike state and feel my anger rise. I want to hit something hard! I put the candle down and begin to pace.

  I can see it plain and clear now. No matter how hard I try to connect with these Lifers through camp sing-alongs, makeovers, cooking sessions, or overnight camping trips, they are never going to let me feel like one of them. I’ve been kidding myself. This is how McDaddy wanted me to spend my summer. Not me. I gave it a shot and it didn’t work. A girl in dirty sneakers and official camp tees is not me. I want to go home.

  I back away from the railing and bang into something hard. I turn around and see it is the spirit board. I can’t believe they haven’t brought it in yet, but the theater does have a large overhang on the porch. I shoot invisible daggers at the contest entry. That board and everything it stands for is exactly what I can’t stand about the Pines. How can everyone here preach about togetherness and friendships that last a lifetime when Lifers like Jeanie try to keep newbies like me at arm’s length? “I hope the Pines loses the London Blue contest,” I whisper, surprised to hear my thoughts out loud. “You hear that? I hope you lose!” I say loudly as if I’m placing a curse on it. “You don’t deserve to win.” There is nothing around to punch, so instead I kick at the theater doors nearby. “You! Deserve! To! Lose!” I kick even harder, and the doors vibrate so hard that I fear I’m going to bang one of them in, but I can’t stop myself. When I’ve had enough, I stomp down the porch steps, failing to notice the person walking toward me.

  “Harper!”

  It’s Ethan. I’m so mad I don’t even know if I can look at him. “Hey!” I say with fake enthusiasm. “Did I catch you on your way back from the big victory celebration at the lake? I bet it was loads of fun.” He looks baffled, but I don’t care. I head the other way, stumbling a bit since it’s dark. In my hurry, I leave my candle behind. I am not going back for it now. Ethan runs in front of me.

  “What’s going on with you?” he asks. “I’ve been trying to find you.”

  “Find me, huh?” My voice is venomous. “You looked real hard.” I check my watch. “You’ve been there over an hour and now you go searching?” He opens his mouth to protest. “Lina and I have been waiting at our cabin. My sweet bunkmates suggested meeting us there to get ready to go to the lake together, but they never showed up.” He doesn’t say anything. “Jeanie made sure we weren’t there for the victory party.”

  Ethan looks upset. “Jeanie? That makes no sense. She’s the one who asked me where you were. She thought maybe you were mad at her for how she reacted after the karaoke number.”

  “And you believed her?” I’m incredulous. “She lied to you!”

  “Jeanie wouldn’t…,” he starts to say, and I put my hand up.

  “I’m sorry, of course you would believe her over me. She’s a Lifer, just like you, and Lifers stick together. You guys think you’re better than everyone else here.”

  Ethan’s face hardens. “Being new has nothing to do with why you’re not popular here, Harper. Is that all it’s about for you? Collecting friends? Some of us want real relationships. You’ve got to know by now, when you choose to be different, people are going to treat you differently.”

  “Why should I pretend to be someone I’m not?” I push my hair away from my face even as the wind keeps bringing it forward. “I like me, and if you guys can’t look beyond the clothes and the hair and the comments to see who I really am, then I don’t want to keep trying with any of you.” I find myself getting choked up. “I’d rather go someplace I’m already wanted. Home.”

  “Harper, I—” Ethan stops. “Do you smell something burning?”

  We both turn around and see the small fire on the theater steps. I know immediately what happened. “My candle!” I cry. “It fell over!”

  “You had a candle burning out here?” Ethan asks. “Are you crazy?”

  I don’t answer him. Instead I run toward the theater porch and look for something to put the flames out with. Ethan’s right behind me, but neither of us knows what to do. The flames have shot higher thanks to the wind and have already reached the railing. The heat is intense, and I watch in horror as the flame shoots all the way down the porch, making a half circle around the front of the building. The fire is moving too fast to stop it on our own. It’s going to destroy the whole theater if we don’t do something.

  “There’s a hose!” Ethan grabs it from a hook near the water fountain a few yards away. He turns it on, and a gush of water shoots out. “I’ll hold it off. Go get help! Now!”

  I don’t argue. I run as fast as my legs will take me to the counselor lounge up the hill. I burst through the doors and find Courtney and Thomas there with some other counselors. Sam and Cole run in behind me.

  Sam touches my arm. “What’s going on? We saw you running.”

  “The theater,” I manage to get out with deep breaths. “It’s on fire.”

  “What?” Courtney cries and pushes past me onto the porch. Everyone follows. “Oh my God. Look!”

  The flames are visible even from here. Within seconds, everyone runs toward the growing blaze. I hear Thomas yell to the others that they’re going to make sure some of the nearby cabins with campers don’t have to be evacuated. What have I done?

  Courtney pulls me along as Sam runs alongside us. She pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and dials Hitch. “You’ve got to get to campus now. The theater is on fire.”

  A crowd has arrived by the time we get back.

  “What happened?” Jeanie cries as she and my bunkmates reach the theater at the same time we do. A group of marshmallows from the other bunks are behind her. Even a few pez are out of bed now. Counselors hold them at bay.

  “Stay back,” Ethan yells as he tries to hold the hose steady. Cole takes it from him. All I can do is stand by and watch the monster I’ve created take over the porch.

  I hear a camp whistle, which is our emergency alert system, and lights start springing on all over campus. It isn’t long before Lina is running toward me in her pajamas. The scene is pandemonium with campers running up from the lake, counselors trying to hold them back, and Cole still trying to put the fire out. But the flames are too big. I see Hitch appear out of nowhere holding a fire extinguisher. “Move back!” Within seconds the three of them have got the fire under control. Even so, I can still hear fire trucks roaring toward our camp in the distance. The flames are gone. So is the porch.

  “Did anyone see what happened?” Courtney asks.

  “Thank God it didn’t torch the whole theater,” Sam says.

  Lina grabs my hand. I stare at the pink and red friendship bracelet on her wrist. The one she just made today to match the one she made me. “Are you okay? When I heard the alarm and you weren’t in bed, I got so worried.”

  I wish I could jam all my fingers in my mouth at once. I bite my pinkie nail instead.

  “It’s all right,” Hitch says. He looks bleary-eyed and pained, and I feel the same way as I stare at the destruction one tiny candle just did. “The fire is out. Counselors, please get your campers back to their bunks before the fire department gets here. If anyone has any information about what caused this fire, please alert your counselors.”

  I see Ethan looking at me. I don’t hesitate. “I do, sir. It was a candle.”
r />   “Oh, Harper,” Courtney whispers in a disappointed voice, but I continue, anyway.

  I let go of Lina’s hand and take a step forward, feeling the heat of all those eyes on me. “My candle,” I say shakily. “I placed it on the porch steps and then—”

  Jeanie gasps, interrupting my confession. I see her point toward the porch. “The spirit board! It was up there!”

  I feel a pang in my stomach. Oh my God, I’ve ruined the spirit board.

  Jeanie whirls toward me. “You destroyed it on purpose!” Others start murmuring their agreement.

  “Come on, Jeanie,” Ethan starts to say. “She didn’t mean for this to happen.”

  “I didn’t!” I agree, but no one will listen. I turn and look for Lina. When I see her face, I know it doesn’t matter whether I ruined the board on purpose. Her eyes say it all.

  “You couldn’t listen to me, just once,” she says in a hoarse voice. I reach for her hand, but she takes off into the darkness.

  I’ve lost Lina’s friendship, and that was the only thing I had left.

  Harper McAllister @HarperMc

  I’ve never been a quitter, but sometimes that’s the only option you have left. #walkingdisaster

  16

  FACING THE FIRING SQUAD

  I’VE NEVER HEARD THE MESS hall so quiet before.

  It’s as if I’m the only one in here, but I’m not. Right now over two hundred pairs of eyes are on me, and I can hear them whispering, too.

  “That’s the girl who set fire to the theater porch.”

  “I heard she torched the theater because she hates London Blue and didn’t want us to win the contest.”

  “I heard she had a breakdown because she has no friends here.”

  “She should be expelled. Can you be expelled from camp?”

  I give my Cheerios a milk bath and watch them get soggier. I can’t eat. I don’t want any of Beaver’s chocolate chip pancakes, which he made the camp special this morning as a pick-me-up. I tried sneaking into the kitchen through the back—Court said I’m not allowed on kitchen duty right now. I only saw Beaver for a second. He didn’t directly come out and say it when I stopped by the kitchen this morning, but I know he’s disappointed in me. I put my spoon down. Who could eat when she’s responsible for destroying a camp’s dream in minutes?

  I sit at the edge of our bunk’s dining table while the rest of my bunkmates huddle at the other end like I have the plague. Even Lina has joined them. I don’t blame her. I tried talking to her when I got back to the bunk last night (I didn’t want to leave the scene till the fire was completely out), but she pretended to be asleep. Courtney told me to try to get some myself since today would be a long day. The two of us are supposed to go right from breakfast to Hitch’s office to hear my punishment. I have a suspicion my parents are on their way to pick me up right now. I discreetly glance around the room, hoping to catch Ethan’s eye, but he’s nowhere to be seen. I don’t see Kyle, either. I wonder what he thinks about what I did.

  It was an accident. But accident or not, I’ve ruined everything this camp has worked for this summer.

  Feedback from the microphone stand draws my attention. The campers around me groan and wince. “Sorry about that.” Hitch’s voice is mellower than usual. Pam is standing beside him, looking mournful as well. “Good morning, Pines.”

  I hear a few halfhearted good mornings.

  “By this point, most of you know what happened at the theater after All-Camp Night,” Hitch says. “For those of you who don’t, an accidental fire caused our theater porch to go up in flames, along with our entry for the London Blue video contest.”

  Hitch doesn’t mention my name, but the word accident doesn’t seem to make people any less upset.

  “Unfortunately, the entries are due a week from today, and there is just no way to put such an elaborate project together again in time.”

  A pez starts to cry. Complaints rise up around the room, making my cheeks burn.

  “We know who’s to blame for that, don’t we?” Camilla glares at me, and Jeanie tries not to grin. I spin my Cheerios around some more. Lina looks at me and away again.

  “But I don’t want you guys to be upset because we have a lot of great things coming up this summer,” Hitch says optimistically. “Our first session of Color War is less than a week away. There is another overnight trip tomorrow for the marshmallows and a campers versus basketball players game with the famous Harlem Wizards later on in the week.” Pam tries to get the usual applause started. A few halfheartedly join in. “We don’t need London Blue to have fun!” he adds, getting caught up in the moment.

  “It still would have been nice to be in a music video,” Melody mutters.

  Addison leans in so the entire table can hear her. “Did you hear Hitch was going to let the first session campers come back the day London shot the video if we won? And we so would have. Our spirit board was ah-mazing!”

  It was beautiful. It was a great collage. But ah-mazing is taking it a bit too far. There were probably hundreds of camp entries for this contest, and that board was not going to stand out from the pack. It was too vanilla to do that. The only spark was Lina’s drawing. I don’t have the nerve to say any of that now.

  I should have said it when it mattered, but I didn’t do that, either.

  “So please eat up because Beaver made those chocolate chip pancakes special for today,” Hitch says. “He was really upset about our contest entry being destroyed, so he’s been cooking for hours. Wait till you see what he’s cooking up for dinner!” He lowers his megaphone and immediately his smile vanishes. He looks as beat up as I probably do.

  “Harper?” Courtney comes up behind me. “Hitch would like to see you in his office in fifteen minutes. I have a few things to deal with beforehand, so I’ll meet you there.”

  “Okay.” A feeling of dread washes over me as Courtney walks away. That’s when I see Kyle. He’s wearing a baseball cap, but that doesn’t hide the grim look on his face. He calls me over to the side of the mess hall.

  “How are you holding up?” he asks. I can see my bunkmates watching us.

  “Not good,” I whisper.

  “I’m sure.” He nods. I can’t read his expression. “What were you thinking carrying a candle?”

  “I wasn’t thinking!” I say. “All I was thinking about was how you guys were celebrating at the lake while Lina and I were miserable in our bunk.”

  He looks down. “I should have realized why you two weren’t there. I feel awful. Lina won’t even speak to me now.” He looks up, his eyes a mirror image of my own. “But you can fix this, you know. Call Dad. Tell him what happened. You can get him to extend the contest deadline.”

  I shake my head. “You know we can’t do that. Everyone will find out what McDaddy does and how we know London.”

  Kyle gives me a look. “So? Ethan knows Dad works with London. He goes to school with us, and he doesn’t treat us any differently. What are you afraid of?”

  I am startled. Ethan does know our connection to London, and he’s never even mentioned it to me. The only one who ever really talks about it is Kate. My best friend Kate who couldn’t even text me back last night. She had nothing to gain from our conversation. Margo, on the other hand, immediately called Courtney’s phone when she got my text, because that’s what real friends do. Like Lina, who tried to stop me from making this stupid mistake in the first place.

  “No.” I shake my head. All I’ve done since we moved to Brookville is spend McDaddy’s money and use his name. I am not going to let that happen here, too. “That’s cheating. I am not calling in favors.”

  “Why not?” Kyle clearly thinks I am nuts. “It would fix everything!”

  “No.” I am resolute. “I either fix this on my own, or I don’t fix it at all.”

  “Fine.” Kyle pulls his baseball cap lower. “Have a good trip home.”

  “Don’t be like that. Kyle!” It’s no use. He’s already walking away, and now I’m sta
nding here by myself while my bunkmates continue to glare. I have to get out of here.

  I leave the mess hall and take the long path to the office so I can think. But fifteen minutes comes quickly, and I soon find myself at Hitch’s office. It’s the first time I’ve been there. When I walk inside, the cold air blasts me in the face.

  Ah, air-conditioning. How I’ve missed you, old friend.

  The hum of the air conditioner has a soothing sound, making me feel at ease as I walk up to the secretary to ask if I can see Hitch. Her phone is ringing off the hook.

  “Whispering Pines. Hold, please. Whispering Pines. No, no one is in danger. The fire was put out immediately and no campers were inside the building. Please hold. Whispering Pines. Alan Hitchens is in a meeting right now and will have to call you back. Yes, we did have a fire, but everything is fine. Please hold.”

  I clear my throat, and the older woman looks up.

  “Harper McAllister, I presume?” She is less than thrilled to see me, but I can’t blame her. I’ve made her morning more hectic than usual. “He’s already in there with the others. Go on in.”

  Others?

  When I push open Hitch’s door, I see Courtney and Sam, but I’m surprised to find Ethan and Lina sitting there as well.

  “What are they doing here?” I ask.

  “I thought it would be best if I asked everyone involved to be here,” Hitch says wearily. I see the red lights on his phone blinking wildly. “Please have a seat, Harper.”

  I pull out the available chair next to Ethan. I am too hurt to look at him.

  “I’ve called all of you here to find out exactly what happened last night.” Hitch runs a hand through his bright white hair. “Needless to say, I am not happy. The fire made the local news. My phone board has been lit up like a Christmas tree all morning by concerned parents.” His cool blue eyes look from one person to the next. “What I need right now is answers. All I know is that we have a burned porch, no shot at getting London Blue, and only one person to blame for this mess.” He looks directly at me. “This is not what I thought would happen when I agreed to let you come here this summer, Harper.”