“Who us?” Sky asks “We’re good, we don’t get up to anything bad and you know it. We’re choir girls.” I bust out in a fully belly laugh as I’m joined by my boys who’ve followed in behind me.
“Yeah right” Kid says. “Come on baby doll, let’s get you and our little one home. You need your rest. We have a doctor’s appointment in the morning to check and see how our little one’s doing.” I grab my girl and follow Kid and Riley out of the waiting room. This day has only started five hours ago, and I’m already ready to call it a night and sit in front of the T.V. with my woman and relax with a beer or two.
“Well catch up with you guys later.” I say as we all head in the directions our bikes are located at. None of the girls are any the wiser but in a few days, we have a secret wedding taking place for Kid and Riley and we’re sworn to secrecy by my brother. Not telling the women anything ‘til later since none of them can keep their damn mouths shut. Ashton’s the only Ol’ lady in on the entire thing so she’s doing most of the leg work since us men have no idea what the fuck we’re doing. If we had to put this wedding together it’d consist of a few tables, chairs and a makeshift aisle of bikes.
Chapter 21
Kaci
The next few weeks fly by, we had Kid and Riley’s wedding. Ashton and Wasp flew to Vegas to renew their vows and Tic and Kori are engaged. Tic asked her at Kid’s wedding and it was romantic watching the grown bad ass biker getting on his knees and professing his love and commitment. Lil bit was even in on the proposal asking her momma to make them a ‘real’ family by marrying her daddy. It’s a good thing Tumbler knew of the whole thing and oversaw recording it. Kori was in such shock and so happy she probably didn’t get a chance to take in the entire thing. Ryder has come to terms with mine and Travler’s relationship and they are the best of friends again. Bubby’s even gotten excited about my little bean.
I’ve started worrying about Travler. He’s been waking me almost every night with nightmares and what I’m hearing coming from his mouth both frightens and terrifies me. Not of him or any danger to myself, but because if my fears are correct these are horrific things he’s had to live through as a child. I want to ask him about it but I’m worried how he’ll react if he isn’t ready to talk to me about it yet. The nightmares started the same night that it had been voted that Sky would dole out Whitney’s punishment. I’m not sure what all went down in that room since I wasn’t invited in since Travler didn’t want me witnessing anything that happened.
I’ve been debating a couple of days how I should handle this. Do I go to Tumbler? They are twins after all. Only thing stopping me is what if he doesn’t know, would Travler ever be able to forgive me for not coming to him first and breaking his trust. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost his trust and faith in me. He and this little bean are my entire world.
Instead of these options I go to my friend from school whose been studying psychiatry and specializing in child hood traumas stemming from child abuse. Because abuse is exactly what my man went through at some point in his life. I’ll be alone for a couple more hours so I grab my juice, some popcorn, my throw blanket and make myself comfortable in my recliner for a very long and in-depth conversation with Taylor.
“Hey Tay Tay, got time for an old friend?”
That’s the beginning of a two-hour conversation that I now know I need to talk to my man. I’m not going to lie, I’m scared shitless. Especially since Taylor warned me the way this conversation could end up going. If I push too hard, I could lose him forever, if I approach it the wrong way or the wrong time I could set off events within hiself that could cause more trauma to what he’s already living with daily. The only thing we both agreed upon is that before the baby comes it needs to be dealt with one way or another. I just hope someone’s on my side and I do this the way it won’t cause any more damage or cost me the love of my man. I know not to bring anyone in on this conversation with us or he may just feel trapped. My problem is how in the hell did no one know what was happening with him?
I’m lost in my thoughts and must’ve been sitting in my recliner longer than I realize because when Travler walks into the living room he startles me from my seat and my ass and legs are numb almost taking me to the floor. “What the fuck babe? Are you alright?”
“Yeah Travler, I’m fine. Sorry I must have lost track of time and was lost in my thoughts. Are you hungry? I didn’t get anything laid out for dinner but I could order us something in.
“Starving, what’cha feeling like tonight and I’ll go ahead and order it?”
“Mmmm…how does Chinese sound, baby. I could really go for some sesame chicken, fried rice, low mien noodles and a couple egg rolls.” I say excitedly as the thought of all that deliciousness settles into my mind and my tummy.
“I could do Chinese food baby. Why don’t you rest or clean up and I’ll take care of our grub?”
“You’re the best Ol’ man ever!” Suddenly very excited for my meal to be ordered and arrive. Ever since I got past my three-month mark with this pregnancy I’m starving all the time, it feels like. Usually I’m craving cheeseburgers, not hamburgers. If I have to melt cheese on the meat myself, it ruins the entire burger for me and I can’t stand to put it in my stomach.
“I love hearing you call me your man. Nothing makes me prouder or happier than having you and soon bean in our lives. Can’t wait to hold him and love him like I always wanted to be.”
“Food. Order now. Talk later…please”
He chuckles but picks up the take-out menu anyways and places the order while I run to the bathroom to release my suddenly full bladder. This is another new thing to happen, I always and I mean always have to pee. It’s a pain in the ass if I’m in a meeting or shopping but especially when I’m in my car driving and stuck in traffic. There’s been a few times I thought for sure I was going to piss my pants. I’ve even got a little pouch started and can’t help but admire it in the mirror daily, which is what Travler catches me doing in the bathroom mirror as he comes to check in on me.
“That’s one sight I will never tire of.” He says startling me out of my daydreaming of our baby growing in my belly. It’s not as big as Riley’s is or anything but she’s got several months on me already. I always imagine what I’ll look like with Riley’s perfectly round stomach. You can’t even tell the bitch is pregnant which is the way I better look too or Travler’s gonna have his nuts shoved up inside of his body.
“I always look a few times a day. I wonder what our bean is doing tucked up inside of me growing. Can he feel anything, hear anything does he feel my emotions? I can’t help but want to know everything about him.”
“Him, huh? Do you know something I don’t, babe? Anything you’d like to share with your man?”
“No, I don’t know why but I always find myself calling our bean ‘him’. I don’t know anything it just comes out of my mouth that way so don’t get your hopes up their big boy. Bean very well could be a she.”
“No, boy first. I’ll need someone helping me keep an eye out and protect any little princess’ we bring into this cruel world. I know how boys operate and I’ll need all the help I can get. Especially if she looks like her momma. I’ll be in prison by the time she turns sixteen.”
“You best not be taking your ass to prison or I’ll hire someone to stab your ass.”
“You’d have me shanked inside, huh?”
“I will if you do something stupid and leave me alone with teenage girl hormones. Fuck that.” He burst out laughing. Music to my ears. I just can’t ruin tonight with bad conversations so I’m gonna leave it for tonight. We don’t always have time for fun banter and I’m enjoying this way too much to light a fuse. I’ll bring it up another time. Just not yet, not tonight. Tonight, is all mine.
Chapter 22
Travler
Again, I’m having the same recurring nightmare over and over the past few weeks. I know I need to deal with the issues, but damnit I just don’t know how. Getting up outta bed I go to the bath
room to step inside the shower and remove some of this sweat. I hang my head in thought, carrying all this shame around for all of these years is killing me. I swear I feel death slowly taking life from me one day at a time. The issue is I don’t know where to turn or how to reach out for help. I’ve been dealing with it all by myself for my entire life. I want to tell Kaci so badly, but I’m scared shitless that she will feel like I’m not worth it and will take my kid and leave me. Now that I’ve let her in and have loved her the way I have I can’t let her go. No way no how.
Deciding my best recourse would be to go to my brother I make the decision to call him the next day and ask him to meet me for a beer and burger. Someplace hopefully we can have some privacy. I know my brother and he’s gonna go after my folks and then the club will want to know why. I have to make sure that doesn’t happen. I can only deal with him knowing my shame. Getting out of the shower I come face to face with Kaci and she’s got tears streaming down her face. I worry immediately somethings happened with the baby. “What’s wrong? Are you alright? Is it the baby? Do we need to go to the hospital?” I shoot the questions out as fast as they enter my mind.
“No, the baby and I are fine. What happened to you? I can’t take it anymore, it’s killing me that you don’t trust me. I won’t judge you Trav. I love you, let me help you.” She begs me.
Dumbfounded I’m hoping and praying she’s not talking about what I think she is. How would she know something happened to me? I’ve told absolutely NO ONE! EVER.
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about Kaci?” Hoping playing stupid lets me know what exactly she knows.
“Don’t do this Travler. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your nightmares, almost every night you wake from bad dreams. I know it, you know it. Don’t play coy with me, damn it. Tell me what happened to you. Tell someone, anyone. Let someone in and help you through this.”
“I think you need to mind your own god damned business, woman! You’ve no idea what you’re talking about. This has nothing to do with you!”
“This has everything to do with me, Trav! We’re supposed to be a team. We face everything together. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you, always for you. Please let me help you?”
“Fuck this! You do not want to do this. Do not push me woman. Don’t.”
“Someone needs to push you, Travler. I’m the woman who loves you therefore it’s my job to push you. To help you, to be your shoulder, lover and best-friend. It’s my job!”
“I’m nobody’s job! I’m nobody’s responsibility! Fuck this, I’m out.”
“Where are you going? When are you coming back?”
“Never if you don’t back the fuck off me!”
I leave the house and get on my bike. I tear off with smoke coming off the pavement behind me. She’s not supposed to know my shame, she was never supposed to find out I’m dirty and unworthy of her or her love. How can I face her every single day if she knows what they did to me? As I ride I can’t get her tear soaked face out of my mind. Feeling like my world is crashing around me I pull my bike over at the lake before I wreck and kill myself or destroy my bike. I get off and sit on the lakeshore as I contemplate my life and its purpose. But my shame keeps coming right back up and all I can think of is how can someone as fucked up as I am have a woman and raise a child. I don’t deserve this life, what’s been given to me. I’m not worthy of any of it.
Kaci
Why couldn’t I just keep my damn mouth shut? He’d just woken from a nightmare not long before I decided it was a good idea to confront him. The damn sun isn’t even up yet and here I was thinking we could have a damn heart to heart on his childhood. Something that must’ve been severely traumatic for him the way he was acting. Knowing what I’m fixing to do may push him further away I feel I have no choice. I pick up my phone to call the one person I think may be able to get somewhere with him. I call Tumbler.
“Yo” he answers his phone groggily from sleep.
“Tumbler?” I whimper.
“What?! What’s wrong? Is it the baby? Where’s Trav?”
“I fucked up, Tumbler. I may have pushed him away, he left and I don’t know where he is.”
“Stop. Stop right the fuck now. Calm down and tell me what’s going on Kaci.”
I do. I tell him about the nightmares that started after King’s death. I tell him how they’ve gotten progressively worse over the months since his death. I tell him how he wakes every night screaming and soaked in sweat.
“Kaci, he’s grieving sweetie. Give him time.”
“You don’t understand.” Then I proceed to tell him the snippets of his nightmares I’ve heard. Then there’s silence. Until there wasn’t. I hear crashing and cursing. Him telling Sadie to go back to sleep, he’s gotta jet. Then he comes back to me.
“I’ll find him.” Then he hangs up.
Chapter 23
Tumbler
At first when she told me about the nightmares and night sweats, I didn’t worry. As her story progressed more and more became clearer to me. He was never the same as he was that summer I came back from vacation with Kid and his family. He was standoffish only allowing me close to him. He stayed away from home as much as possible. Ten mother fuckin’ years old. That’s how old we were. How? How did this happen and I never put two and two together? What kind of brother am I? He’s my twin, I knew, I knew something was wrong and I didn’t push. Now, I’m regretting that decision with everything within me.
I decide to start from their house and hope with everything that we have our twin moment and I can pick up his feelings and follow to where he may possibly have gone. I drive around for an hour and finally I see his bike parked in front of the lake. I park by his bike and shut mine down. I walk forward and see a shadow of a person sitting in front of the lake. I walk his way and take a seat next to him. He looks at me and time freezes in place. I have never seen my brother cry. As in not ever.
“They drugged me the summer you were away. They drugged me and watched as their friends rape me. Rape me! I’m a man, I was a boy. I let them do that to me! I couldn’t fight them off. Dad helped them hold me down man. I was so fucked up I couldn’t do anything. ANYTHING! How did this happen to me? How can I sleep next to perfection every night knowing I’m dirty and nothing? How can I protect her when I couldn’t even protect myself? What kind of father can I be? I don’t deserve any of it Tumbler. I’m nothing! Nobody! They made sure of it.”
Stunned, anger no, not anger fury has wrapped itself tightly around me. All I can do is grab my brother and pull him into my arms as he sobs for the first time. I do what only comes to mind. I tell him it’s not his fault. He was a fucking kid. They were supposed to be his protectors. I knew my parents were some sick fucks. I knew it, but I never thought they leaked what they did onto my brother. I woulda killed them years ago, if I had. They were always druggies, they we’re always abusers, especially my dad to my mom. Never in my wildest of imaginations would I have ever guess this bled to him. They are fucking monsters!
“You deserve her and your kid. They are your salvation, they are your gift of goodness to take over the poison that was brought into your life by those lowlifes. They are your future brother, don’t let the past taint what goodness they’ve given you. “You ARE deserving. Do you fucking hear me, brother? You Are!”
For the next two hours, I hold my brother as he gives me details into the summer I was away. I should’ve never left him alone with them. Why they did it to him that summer and never again and never touched me I don’t understand. But I’m fixin’ to find out if those bitches are still living. And if they are god help them when I get my hands on them. They will be going to ground if they aren’t already there. They will be worm bait. They will die.
“How do I face her again, how do I tell her?”
“We do it together. You always have me. I will never make you face any of this alone again.”
Chapter 24
Kaci
Hours. Hours is how
long I pace the house. Ignoring phone calls from Sadie and the girls. I can’t answer their calls. I’m waiting on one, only one. Either from my man or his brother. Those are the only calls that matter or count. The only one I want. I’m petrified I’ve lost him forever. I can’t live without him. Bean and I need him. I will never give up on us, never let him go without one hell of a fight.
Finally, four long brutal hours later, I hear the sound of two bikes as they pull into my driveway. I run for the door and fling it open running for my man who opens his arms and I fly into them. Needing to feel him holding me.
“Let’s go inside, babe. Have some things to tell you and I hope to god that once you hear what I have to say you still want to be in my arms.”
I go to interrupt him to tell him nothing will ever take me out of his embrace when he puts a finger to my mouth to keep my words from spilling out.
“I need you to wait to speak. I need you to hear anything before you give me any reassurances. Please babe, for me.”
I nod my head in agreeance. What else can I do? I will hear him out. If my worst fears are confirmed it won’t matter to me. He has my loyalty, strength and love always. He leads me into the house, we’re hand in hand and I’m subconsciously sending him all of my love and support through our connection. I hope he can feel it pouring out of me and into himself. He leads me to the couch and pulls me down next to him. He and Tumbler start talking, telling me about his parent’s drug abuse, his father’s abusive hand and how it affected them as kids. Tells me that one summer he’s left alone with them as Tumbler goes on vacation.
Then my fears are confirmed. His parents drugged him at the tender age of ten and allowed women to rape him. Rape him! My strong man has lived the worse nightmare a child can face. By his own parents! I cry, I cry for the kid he was before and after his summer of pain. I cry for the years afterward as he trusts only his brother. He’d vowed to never love anyone. Ever. Then how I came along and he couldn’t fight the pull any longer. For years, he suffered with the love and draw he had to me. How I finally wore out his reasoning. He tells me how scared he is of love. Our love, the love he already has for our little bean. He’s frightened every day of how he’ll taint us and ruin the goodness and light we both have brought him. How he doesn’t feel deserving of either of us. Then he tells me how his brothers and the club saved him. Saved him from committing suicide. The act that he’d wanted to do so many times throughout his years. The ultimate act that would’ve taken him from me before I ever even had him. That thought alone drags me into a despair unlike any I’ve ever felt. Then I feel selfish for the way I’ve verbally pushed out there the way I felt abused and neglected by my parents. Let’s face it, my childhood was and is a fairy tale compared to his. I suddenly feel as if I’m the one undeserving of him and our kid.
Taken by Chaos Page 9