by J. Saman
We fall silent, back into our rhythmic rocking.
After we lost Logan, Kelly quit her job at the law firm. She was planning on doing so anyway after he was born, but she just couldn’t get out of bed for a while so that’s what happened. Now that nearly nine months has past, she spends her days doing yoga and going out with friends she’s met in her yoga class and learning new recipes which she likes to try out.
Me? I’m still in medical school. It felt impossible to start back immediately after break and though some of my professors were…lenient with me about it, it was a good distraction. So much so that I dove in full steam ahead.
Once I graduate and it’s time for me to find an internship, I’m hoping we can try again. I’m hoping that Logan wasn’t it for us.
We got matching tattoos on our backs of his footprints. We did it on our backs so that we wouldn’t have to see them every day, but so that he’s still a part of us. We really don’t need the ink on our skin to feel him in that way, but I like that he’s permanently etched on me.
We got to hold him, and while I’ll always be grateful for that, I can’t help the agonizing twist of my gut which comes whenever my mind drifts to him. But Kelly refuses to talk about Logan so I don’t bring him up anymore. I guess it’s just too painful for her. I get it. But I still wish I could mention him.
Sometimes I just need to talk about him. Know that he was real.
Even if we lost him.
There’s a lot Kelly doesn’t talk about with me anymore. A lot she holds back. She lost a part of herself with him.
I did too.
“Do we have to go home?” Kelly asks on a sigh. “Can’t we just stay here forever and live off your trust fund?”
I chuckle because I think she’s kidding.
“I’m serious, Finn. I don’t want to go back to New York. I don’t want to live in reality. You have plenty of money. Enough that we could live off of forever and never have to work again.”
“I’m in medical school, baby.”
“Yeah,” she says slowly, like she’s thinking about the way she wants to phrase this. “But that could just be a hobby.”
I inwardly sigh, because that is just a fantasy. Not reality. She can’t run and hide from everything. Pain isn’t location specific. It follows you no matter where you go. “We can’t live here forever. Eventually we have to go home.”
“I don’t want to get pregnant again, Finn. I know you do, but I don’t.”
“We don’t have to do this now, Kelly,” I say to her, shifting so that I can see her face against the moonlight. I love the way she looks when she’s illuminated by the moon. She’s so beautiful. “I’m not in a rush. But eventually, I want us to try again to have a family.”
A tear escapes her eye, rolling down her cheek. I reach up and wipe it away.
“I don’t know if I can do it again.”
“Just think about it. Like I said, we’ve got time and we don’t have to figure it out now.”
Kelly nods, leaning in to kiss me. I kiss her back. “I love you, Finn.”
“I love you, Kelly.” My kisses become more insistent. My hands more urgent. “I’ll always love you. As long as we’re together, nothing else matters.”
“Yes,” Kelly breathes against my lips. “Nothing else matters. Tell me you love me, Finn. Tell me you’ll always love me. Always take care of me.”
“Always,” I promise. “Forever.”
I make love to Kelly in that hammock. I show her that we’re okay. That as long as we have each other, then we can get through anything.
Even our darkness.
Chapter 22
Finn
Present Day
“You owe me so big for this,” I tell Mike who is making me move his girlfriend’s heavy-ass boxes into his brownstone. On my birthday, no less. On fucking Halloween. One of the busiest nights in the ED. It’s like an ED doctor’s form of crack. Or candy since that’s a more appropriate comparison. Crazy injuries and ridiculous costumes. I love it. In fact, I look forward to it every year.
But he asked me to take the day off so I could help him move her stuff in.
And since he’s my best friend and he perpetually tolerates my bad moods, I said yes.
“Actually, we’re even.”
I pause on the steps of his brownstone and look up at him. “How the hell do you figure that?”
He smirks and I hate that deliberate grin of his. It never leads to anything good. “You’ll see.”
Just as the words pass his lips, the front door of his house swings open and I see Gia Bianchi talking to Monique I-have-no-idea-what-her-last-name-is. “I don’t see why you have to call it snooty-white-people cheese. And for the record, I take offense to that.”
“Only rich white people buy it,” Monique says with a shrug and Gia rolls her eyes.
“Fine,” she huffs out. “I’ll never buy you Robusto again. But you’ll see when you try it that it’s really freaking good and then you’ll be sorry.”
“Told you,” Mike says to me and right now, I want to kick his smug ass. Because I gave up Halloween in the emergency department to move heavy crap and now I have to look at Gia while I do it. He thinks he’s being funny. Or maybe he’s giving me the push he believes I need.
But he’s wrong.
Yes, I want Gia. That hasn’t changed in the weeks since I last saw her. If anything, it’s only gotten worse. Nothing makes you crazier than kissing the woman you’re mad about, knowing it will never happen again. I blame the present I should have never given her. If she hadn’t caught me in the hall stuck in my indecision, then she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her to dinner. And if she hadn’t asked me to dinner, I never would have found myself in that position. I guess it’s not exactly Mike’s fault. He doesn’t know what happened with Gia that night. But that doesn’t mean I can I just laugh this off as some inconsequential thing and ask her out.
Gia and Monique bounce down one more step before they notice us.
Monique smirks.
Gia frowns.
“Afternoon, ladies,” I say. “Care to move out of the way so I can get this box inside without breaking my back?”
Gia steps aside, throwing her friend a glower similar to what I just gave Mike, and then I climb the steps up past her. She does her best not to look at me, but loses the battle and meets my eyes for the briefest of moments.
I haven’t exactly been avoiding Gia, but I definitely haven’t been seeking her out either. I go to a different bar. I don’t eat lunch in the hospital cafeteria. I make sure that when I call for an OB consult, I demand a doctor and not a midwife. I’m an attending, so I pretty much get what I want.
I set the box down in the master bedroom because that’s where it’s labeled to go. When I turn back, Gia is standing on the threshold of the door, watching me with those big aqua eyes of hers. Eyes I still fantasize about gazing up at me while I’m on top of her, fucking her senseless. I nearly got that fantasy. Nearly.
“Sorry,” she says. “I didn’t know you were going to be here otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed to help.”
I hate everything she just said to me, but instead of telling her that, I nod.
“It’s fine. Our friends are living together and we work at the same hospital. Seems likely that we’ll run into each other from time to time.”
“Happy birthday,” she says, taking a hesitant step into the room, “I thought about getting you something, but–”
“No,” I cut her off. “It’s better you didn’t.”
“Right,” she says and then she smirks at me with a glint in her eyes. “But do you think we can be friends? Or at least friendly?”
I take a step too. Hesitantly. But shit, this woman is like a magnet of perpetual pain and bliss. “As I recall, you were the one who said we weren’t friends. Not me.”
She smiles and my insides hurt. “Fine. Then I’m saying I’d like to be your friend. I’m
saying I don’t want it to be awkward as ass every time we’re in the same room together.”
“No awkward as ass. Got it.”
She nods her head. “Awesome. So how’ve you been?”
Miserable. Lonely. Aching for you.
“Good. You?”
“Pretty good. I um…” she pauses, peeking over her shoulder and then takes another step toward me. “I’ve been sort of seeing someone.”
“Sort of?” I try for a smirk, but know I don’t even come close. This might be the worst conversation ever. All I want to do is tell her no. Tell her she can’t sort of be dating someone when she should be with me. Not dating. Not sort of. Just with.
“Yeah,” she laughs the word uncomfortably. “Well, not sort of. I’m seeing someone.”
I turn away from her. Unable to stand it another minute, I pretend to busy myself with boxes that do not need my help. “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”
She sighs. I don’t know what she was hoping for from me, but I’m hardly about to throw her a parade or a do a happy dance because she met someone. “I’m only telling you because I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else. Like Mike.”
“Thanks for letting me know.”
“Finn?”
I turn to her. Her voice commands it and so I man the hell up and do it. Even if it might eviscerate me to look at her.
Gia takes three strides across the room until she’s directly in front of me. I can smell her. Feel her warmth. See the different flecks of green and blue in her eyes. Admire the small freckle on the upper left crest of her cheek.
“I hope you find something good too.”
Those words just officially killed me. On so many levels and in so many ways.
I already have, I want to tell her. But I keep my mouth shut.
“Are you taking him to the game?”
I don’t know why I just asked her that. It was petty and petulant. I gave her two tickets. Not one. I knew the risk when I did it. But now…
“I haven’t mentioned it to him.”
That has me smiling. It’s not serious, is what that says. Or maybe she likes holding on to my little present like it’s a secret. That’s just as good.
“So invite me.”
She blinks up at me, her head tilting to the side. “You want to go to the game with me?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
She laughs, shaking her head like I’m too much. “That’s not how I meant it and you know it.”
“Really? I didn’t catch that.”
“Okay Finn,” she continues that laugh. “Will you go to the game with me?”
“Sure, Gia. I’d love to go with you.”
She sinks her teeth down into her full bottom lip, shifting her weight. “As friends though, right?”
“Isn’t that what you said you wanted?”
She nods and it’s a big nod. “Yes. That’s what I want.”
“Then we’ll go as friends.”
Words have never tasted so wrong leaving my mouth.
“Happy birthday,” she says again, placing her hands on my shoulders and reaching up to kiss my cheek. My eyes close as her lips press against my skin. As her warmth invades all my senses. It’s over far too quickly and when she rights herself, removing her hands from my body, I die in a way I haven’t before. “You’re thirty, right?” I nod. “It’s a big one. We should go out and celebrate.”
“You don’t have to if you have plans.”
“I don’t tonight.”
Shit.
“Okay then.”
Shut up.
“Let’s celebrate.”
I’m so fucked.
“Great,” she says with a smile. “It’ll be fun.”
Chapter 23
Finn
“This is not what I had in mind when I agreed to celebrate,” I say to Mike as I sit down in one of the stiff leather couches of the club he dragged us to. “Although, I will say, you dressed like a porn princess is certainly making a club on Halloween more palatable,” I tell Gia as I make a show of looking her up and down.
She’s wearing the tiniest of black dresses. In fact, I think if I were sitting across from her instead of next to her, I might know what color panties she’s wearing from when she sat down. She’s definitely showing off an insane amount of cleavage.
“Porn princess?” she laughs, tilting her head back. That’s one of the things I like about Gia. She can laugh at herself and she doesn’t take everything so seriously. Like I do. “That’s great. I’ll have to mention that one to Chloe.”
“And in going back to your previous comment,” Mike says. “What’s not to like about this place. It’s one of the premiere clubs in the city and we’re in the VIP area.”
“Do I strike as you the clubbing sort?”
“No, but I couldn’t turn down free VIP.”
I give him a half bow for that. “How did you manage this?” Monique asks. She looks pretty too. She’s all long legs with an athletic build. Totally Mike’s type.
“I saved the life of the owner’s brother.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “Do tell.”
“He came in with a GSW to the left femoral artery. A real bitch of a wound given its location.”
“God, that’s awful,” Gia says, covering her mouth like she’s actually upset by that. Damn, she’s cute.
Mike shrugs. “Well, he lived and his brother told me that whenever I wanted to come down, to give him a call and he’d hook me up.” Mike waves his hand around our seats complete with table service and private dance area. “And so he has.”
“It’s sort of freaky here though,” Monique says, eyeing the crowd in their various costumes. “And really, despite what each of these women are wearing, I think the word slutty is at the front it. Slutty nurse–which I personally hate–slutty pilot, slutty vampire, etcetera.”
“Certainly fun to look at.” I grin at her.
Monique rolls her eyes at me. “Come on, Gia. Let’s dance. Mike here can barely keep rhythm. He really destroys that whole black men can dance thing.”
“Hey,” Mike says, tickling Monique’s side, eliciting his intended giggle. “I take exception to that.”
“You are the exception to that,” she teases with a grin. Leaning in, she gives him a kiss and then stands up, reaching out her hand for Gia. Gia stands too, throwing me a wink before sauntering off and treating me to a perfect view of her fantastic ass.
When I turn back to face Mike, he’s giving me a look. A look I know well. After working with the man for three years, you get to know the many different expressions he can give. The one he’s bestowing upon me now is not anywhere I want to go.
“What are you doing?”
“What do you mean?” I ask, playing dumb and not fooling him for a second.
“You know exactly what I mean. Gia,” he says, leaning forward and inching his body to the end of the couch so that we can actually hear each other without having to shout. “Monique told me you told Gia you’re not interested, when we both know that’s not true.”
That’s not what I said to her. Definitely not what I implied at least. Kissing typically doesn’t mean not interested.
“Why are you pretending to suddenly be friends with her when you’re clearly into her?”
“Stop,” I say quickly. “You don’t know anything.”
“Bullshit,” he snaps. “I know everything. You’re into her. More than into her and you’re pushing her away. How long are you going to torture yourself? It’s been three years,” he emphasizes and I feel sick.
“I’m not torturing myself.”
“No,” he points at me, “you are. Because suddenly you’re friends, which is total crap. You don’t do friends. Especially with women. Especially with women you want.”
“What’s your point?” I growl, beyond frustrated. Reaching out, I pick up the glass of vodka cranberry which was poured fo
r me, and down it. The whole full glass of it.
“She was all about you, man. I know she was. But now she’s dating Mason.” Mason. He has a name. “And Mason is crazy about her. I met the guy. He’s nice and attentive and he makes her happy.”
“Great. That’s what I want for her.”
“Goddammit, Finn.” Mike slams his hand against the glowing acrylic table. “What will you do when she marries him?”
“What?” I draw back, completely taken off guard by that. “She said they’ve only been together a couple of weeks.”
“Yeah, but like I said, he’s crazy about her. They’re already pretty serious. Are you just going to let this happen? Let her go, because you refuse to start living your life again?”
I shake my head at him, my words failing before I can speak them.
“Don’t let her get away, Finn. You’ll regret it forever.”
“Something else to add to the list.”
Mike shakes his head at me, beyond exasperated. I’m right there too so I guess that makes us even. “Fine. It’s your life and you know how I feel. But for the record, you’re making a mistake. You deserve happiness and you’re pushing it into the arms of another man with both hands.”
Mike stands up, tossing down the rest of his drink the way I just did mine and then marches off in the direction of the girls, who are dancing in our private area. I get up too, because if he’s going to dance with Monique, I can dance with Gia. I can do this. I can do friends. I can exist in a world where she’s only partially mine.
And just fuck Mike. What the fuck? Why the hell would he say that shit to me? Marriage? Give me a goddamn break. Gia barely knows the guy. No way they’re near that serious. Especially not with the way she still looks at me.
I take some semblance of relief with that. Not much. But some.
Gia smiles at Mike as he takes Monique into his arms and kisses her. Sure, I’m jealous of what they have. Sure, I’d love to have that with Gia. But I don’t trust it. I know firsthand that it never lasts long. Everything you love can be gone in the blink of an eye.
Everything you think you know can be a lie.