Noah and Me

by Beckie Stevenson

  My feet are aching. My back feels like it’s broken in two and my legs feel like they’re made of stone. How we’ve managed to get through today without stopping for a proper break is beyond me.

  “Guess how much we made?” asks Jandy.

  I’m making tea again. It’s just turned six and we’ve finally shut the doors on what has been a really mental day. “A thousand,” I say.

  She walks into the kitchen and waves a wad of money at me. “Just over three thousand,” she says, grinning at me. “I can’t believe it!”

  “That’s brilliant,” I enthuse. “Wait until the area manager hears about that!”

  “I know,” she gushes. “And all on our own too. We deserve a brandy in that tea.”

  I grab my handbag and wave two miniature brandy bottles. “I’ve got you your present too,” I tell her and hand her the small wrapped box. I decided to treat her this year and bought her a pair of real diamond earrings. They’re only studs and nothing fancy, but I hope she’ll like them. “Happy Christmas,” I say.

  “Thank you,” she says, taking it from me. “I got you one too.”

  I smile and take a tiny wrapped box from her. I don’t really get presents at Christmas. I’ve always said I don’t like it, and I don’t really. Well, I don’t like the fact that it reminds me that I’m on my own, but secretly I’ve always loved the idea of Christmas. I love the magic of it. I love the excitement and I especially love how it brings people together. “Thank you, Jandy,” I say, slipping it into my bag.

  “You know,” she says, pouring the brandy into the cups. “Your mum and dad would be proud of you.”

  I stop picking at the button on my shirt and look up at her. She knew my mum and dad when they were alive, but she never really talks about them to me. I think she knows I find it too hard.

  “I don’t think so,” I whisper.

  She shakes her head and pushes my mug towards me. “Just because you didn’t go to the Olympics and you’ve had sex with some silly boys, it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing now is worth any less, Ariel. You’re far too hard on yourself and I’ve seen that front you put on. You’ll never get yourself a nice boyfriend if you behave like that all the time.”

  I smile at her and wonder why I’ve always been able to be open and honest with her. “Who says I want a nice boyfriend?”

  “You’re human,” she says. “It’s in your nature to find yourself a mate to reproduce with.”

  I roll my eyes. Jandy was a biology teacher back in the day and she always takes an opportunity to school me.

  “I’m being serious,” she says, holding onto my arm. “Find yourself a nice man who’ll take good care of you and make your own family. Christmas can be magical again for you.”

  “I’ve already found him,” I whisper, “but he doesn’t want me. He doesn’t like me very much.”

  She reaches out to me and covers my hand with hers. “You’ve got to pull down some of those barriers, Ariel, and let people see you. Let them in.”

  “I can’t,” I admit.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m scared.”

  She takes a deep breath. “What are you scared of?”

  I look away. I can see the tears wobbling in front of my eyes. “I’m scared of getting hurt again. The pain of losing the people I love is still in my heart and I don’t want to add anything more to it. I think my heart would physically break.”

  “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” she quotes.

  I frown at her, but it’s playful. “People who say that have never loved and lost,” I say. “Not properly.”

  “I have,” she says without hesitation, “but I thank God every day that I got to experience it, Ariel. I loved the bones off that man and it broke my heart to see him suffering the way he did. But I know that when he died, he did it with a smile on his face because he knew I was beside him. Even in the face of death, knowing that he had me by his side was a comfort to him. If it were the other way around, then I would have felt the same. You know when you’re little and you hurt yourself, there’s nothing better than a cuddle from your mum. Your dad can cuddle you, but it just isn’t the same. There’s something about your mum, a special bond that cannot be broken. Well, it’s like that when you find your soulmate. You know that it doesn’t matter what’s said or what happens between the two of you, because love will ultimately triumph.”

  “I believe you,” I tell her, and I think a little part of me actually does.

  “Good, now let’s get out of here,” she says, handing me my coat and bag. “It’s going to be bloody freezing.”

  “Do you want to walk back to my apartment with me?” I suggest. “I could get my car and drive you back home?”

  “Oh, no,” she says, glancing at her watch. “There’s a bus in ten minutes. If we get out of here right now, then I’ll definitely make it.”

  I push her towards the door, turning the lights off as we go. “I really don’t mind driving.”

  “Don’t be daft,” she says. “I’ll see you sometime soon, Ariel.”

  I step out into the cold and wait while she locks the door. When she’s done, she turns around and I find myself hugging her. “Have a lovely Christmas,” I say.

  She pats my back and takes a deep breath. “You make sure you sort that handsome young man out.”

  “I hope you’re referring to me,” says Noah, stepping into the light.

  Jandy grins at me and starts to walk away. “Be good, kids.”

  I smile at her back and watch until she crosses over the road and onto the main street. “Hey,” I whisper.

  He smiles, and in that instant, he takes my breath away.

  “Hi.” He pulls a bobble hat out from his pocket and pulls it onto my head. He shoves his hands back into his pocket and then offers me his arm. “I’ve come to make sure you get home okay.”

  What’s he playing at now? I’ve told him I need him to stay away from me, yet here he is, acting like he cares. “You’re confusing me,” I blurt as I link my arm through his.

  “Yeah,” he sighs. “I thought as much. But you’re confusing me too.”

  “How so?” I haven’t done anything that I wouldn’t normally do if he weren’t here.

  “You’re nice.”

  I blink up at him but bits of snow keep falling in my face so I can’t really see him properly. “Excuse me?”

  “You were right,” he says, guiding me across the road. “I don’t know you. For the last seven years, whenever I’ve thought about you, you’ve always been this nasty, evil bitch that hurt me in the worst possible way. I’ve never once remembered the good things about you—I just remembered the shit. I know it’s normally the other way around, but it wasn’t for me. I probably turned you into a bigger monster than you actually were in my own head.”

  Wow. He just called me a monster and a nasty, evil bitch all in one breath. “O-kay,” I say, not entirely sure how to respond to all of that.

  “Saturday night,” he sighs, “I just kept sitting there and I could hear you being funny, joking around, being clever and fun. I watched you get people drinks and you were asking them all the right, normal questions that people would ask if they genuinely cared about their friends. It pissed me off that you were like that. I wanted to tell you to shut up and stop pretending. Why were you pretending to be nice? That’s not who you were in my head and it was annoying me.”

  My head is spinning, but I know I have to carry this on. “Why would it annoy you to find out that I was actually a nice person?”

  He stops walking and turns to face me. “Because it makes it harder for me to hate you,” he confesses. “And I really wanted to hate you.”

  “Because I’ve hurt you?” I ask.

  He nods. “It’s not just about you leaving me,” he says. “I know I sound like a twat when I keep saying it, but it was like a snowball effect for me. My Grandad died when I wasn’t there and I blamed you. I couldn’t marry Tara an
d I upset her and a lot of other people, and I blamed you. I’ve never really properly dated anyone because I kept thinking about how you were and wondering why they weren’t acting like you used to, and I blamed you for that too. I wanted a normal life. I wanted to be happy, but I wasn’t, and it was all your fault.”

  I take a deep breath and look up at him. “I know I was a cow,” I say, “and I know I did some really horrible stuff and I’m especially sorry about you not being there for your Grandad, but I couldn’t help that, Noah. And I couldn’t help some of the other stuff either.”

  “I know,” he says, pushing a piece of my wet hair away from my face. “I know all of this. It’s been driving me crazy.”

  “Look,” I say, suddenly feeling shy. I want to clarify things for him. He’s indicated a couple of times that he doesn’t know how I feel and I want him to be completely certain about how I feel about him.

  “I loved the old Noah, and I think I love the new Noah. I’d really like to get to know you again. Even when you’re calling me an evil bitch or when you’re telling me you’d rather stick pins in your eyes than see me again, I know there’s still something between us. I’d like for us to try and have a normal relationship, but I know it won’t be that easy. I’m willing to go and see Dr. Georgio together if you think it will help. I just want you,” I say, sighing. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Noah.”

  He just stands and stares at me, his eyes moving across my face. “Deal,” he finally whispers. “I don’t think I can stay away from you any longer anyway.”

  My heart thumps in my chest as he pushes his warm hand across my cold cheek and cups the back of my neck. He pulls me towards him and closes the distance between us with a dip of his head. His fiery, hot lips press down against my cold ones and ignite the forgotten fire in my belly. I gasp into his mouth at the intensity of my reaction to him. He smiles against my lips as my heart beats furiously in my chest. I stop breathing completely when his tongue slips in between my lips.

  “Noah,” I breathe, and then I kiss him hard and fast. My body has missed him too much to take this slowly. He groans and pushes me back against the nearest building. My spine slams against the cold wall, but I don’t care. I push my hands and fingers through his snowy hair and start to unfasten his coat. I want to feel his warmth. I want to feel some of him. Any of him.

  He must have the same idea because I feel his hands creeping up my back. Our lips continue to move against each other’s as our tongues explore every bit of our mouths. If this is what’s it’s like just kissing him, then what is it going to be like when we have sex again? Oh God, the thought of him being inside me and touching his naked body makes me crazy.

  Our breaths mash together as our hands start to roam over our bodies. I pull my leg up and let his hand grope my whole bum. “Ahem,” says a deep voice next to us.

  We freeze, our lips still locked together. We open our eyes at the same time and then turn towards the voice. It’s a community support officer and a policeman. They’re grinning at us.

  “I’m quite sure it was just a Christmas kiss and that you weren’t going to break any laws, but do you think you could wait until you get home, please?” says the policeman.

  “I’m sorry, Officer,” I say, feeling a hint of embarrassment on my cheeks.

  Noah scoops me up into his arms and sidesteps them. “Have a nice Christmas, Officers.”

  Just as we enter our apartment building, I hear Noah’s name being called. It’s Candy. Well, she can just fuck right off.

  She pokes her head out of her door and it’s immediately clear that she’s been crying. Noah’s face creases into a frown and then he looks at me. I nod as he lowers me to my feet.

  “What’s the matter, Candice?” he says, back to being Mr Professional.

  “It’s Dad,” she says. “Something has gone wrong.”

  “What do you mean?” he says, taking a step towards her.

  I know he’s the surgeon who operated on her father, so he’ll want to sort this out. She’s a bitch, but she’s clearly upset about her dad, and I’d want his help if my dad were still around and needed him.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I whisper.

  He stops walking towards her and takes a step towards me. I can see the hesitation on his face and the evidence of his arousal as he pulls his coat across him.

  “It’s alright,” I say, nodding towards Candy. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He strides towards me and kisses me quickly on my mouth. “Don’t go anywhere,” he whispers against my lips.

  I’m not going anywhere, Noah Carter.

  Chapter 35

  NOW

  Wednesday 19th December

  I sigh and look out the window. Doctor Georgio has a very nice office that’s at the top of a very nice building. I’m dreading the bill when it finally comes through.

  I think about Noah and wonder what he’s doing at work. He didn’t come back on Monday night, and I woke to find a note that he’d slipped underneath my door telling me that he’d been at the hospital all night. He also worked a shift last night and he’s working straight through into his half-day shift today.

  “Have you just finished work?” Doctor Georgio asks.

  I shake my head. “I’m due there after I leave here. I’ve got three night shifts now and then I’m off for four days.”

  “That’ll be nice,” he says.

  I wonder how he can think that after reading what I wrote.

  “You managed to write ten chapters?” he says, holding the sheets of paper up to me.

  “Yes,” I say. “Once I got going, I found it quite easy really.”

  He nods. “That’s good. This is good.”

  It wasn’t too difficult to write if I delved into the past and then jumped forward to the present. It’s all weirdly linked and it was the only way I could do it without writing two separate stories. Chapter Ten takes us up to the point where Noah and I had sex for the first time, followed by the time I met him again in York at the party.

  “Noah seemed really upset after having sex with you,” he says.

  I take a deep breath and nod. “Yes, he was.”

  “Do you think his reaction is important?”

  I shrug. “I didn’t then, but I guess I do now.”

  He nods and makes some notes.

  “You let your brother be punished for a crime that he didn’t really commit,” he states.

  I nod.

  “Did you do that on purpose?”

  I shrug. “I’ve tried not to think about it, to be honest. I think at the time, I was in too much shock to really comprehend anything but how much I missed my family. Then afterwards, when it had sunk in a bit more, I realised that I liked him being locked away. It meant he couldn’t get to me.”

  “Okay,” he says smoothly. He pushes his hand over his bald head and smiles softly at me. “Can I ask you something, Ariel?”

  “Feel free,” I say. After having that conversation with Noah on Monday night, I’ve realised that I need to be a little more forthcoming in these appointments. If we’re going to start again, then I need to get over my past.

  “I spoke with Noah yesterday, only for twenty minutes. But I understand that he’s agreed to commencing another relationship with you.”

  Well, Noah is certainly forthcoming. “Yes.”

  “I think it would be a good idea if Noah could see what you’ve written. I still want to see you both separately, but I’d like to talk through your chapters with you first and then with Noah afterwards. Would that be alright?”

  I guess he’ll end up seeing all the bad bits, but there are parts in there where I reveal my feelings for him and I think he needs to see those bits too. I nod. “Why though?”

  “Noah sees everything in black and white. He knows what you said and how you acted, but he doesn’t stop to think about why. If he reads this, it’ll help him to understand what was going through your head and how you were feeling. I think it’ll help you guys
out an awful lot.”

  That makes sense, I guess. I didn’t realise Noah was a black-and-white sort of guy. “Okay.”

  “You write very well,” he says. “You convey a lot of feeling through your words.”

  I feel a hint of pride. “Thank you. Now is it aright if I ask you something?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  I take a sip of my water and then lean back in my seat. “I need to know if you’re going to tell the police about me not confessing to being the one driving,” I tell him.

  “No,” he says without hesitation. “I’m not sure what that says about me morally, but I’m not interested in that.”

  “Okay,” I say. “Thank you.”

  He sits back in his chair and sips his coffee. “Noah really wasn’t happy to see you again, was he?”

  I almost laugh as I recall the memory. “Not at all.”

  “The accident wasn’t your fault,” he says to me.

  I nod. “I know that.”

  “I think falling into their grave had more of an impact on your mental health than you think,” he says. “There’s something significant and haunting about it.”

  “It was horrible,” I whisper.

  He clears his throat and shuffles the papers into a neat pile. “Let’s get back to Noah…why did you ask him to fuck you like that?”

  I wriggle in my seat, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do,” he fires back.

  “I was pregnant,” I huff. “I didn’t want to give birth without actually having had sex. It just felt really wrong in my head,” I say.

  He leans forward and rests his elbows on the desk. “Why did you ask for it to be rough?”

  “It’s confusing,” I admit. “I wanted to feel something other than heartache, and I just thought that if he was rough with me, then it might hurt somewhere else. Plus, I always thought that men enjoy it more when they’re given free rein.”

  “You didn’t even know his name,” he says. “That was very risky.”

  “My twin brother had sexually abused me. He was supposed to love me and care for me. He wasn’t supposed to do unspeakable things to me. What did I have to lose by letting a total stranger fuck me?”