by Anne Baker
‘Once my mother died, nobody seemed to care about me, certainly not my stepfather. That made me stand on my own feet from an early age, but I didn’t find it easy. At least you have your mother.’
She sniffed into her handkerchief. ‘But what am I going to do? I can’t sponge on Mum for the rest of my life.’
‘Don’t worry about that for the time being. You’ve just gone through a bad patch. You need to give yourself time to get over this knock.’
Did it sound as though he was belittling her difficulties? he wondered. She was facing more than just a knock. She looked quite ill.
He went on more gently. ‘Then you need to think about what you want to do. You still have choices, there are things you can still achieve.’
‘I could have had anything once, but now . . . I’ve messed everything up, haven’t I?’
‘Not necessarily. Having two babies changes things, but it doesn’t mean all is lost.’
Two tearful lavender-blue eyes stared into his. ‘Come on,’ he said, putting a hand under her arm to help her up. ‘Let’s get on home, you’ll be more comfortable in the garden.’
He unlocked the van. It was hot inside, and when he took the baby from her to lay him down in the carrycot, he could see mother and baby had been sweating against each other.
‘Get in, we’ll open all the windows.’
They set off. ‘Chloe, you must give yourself a few months to weigh everything up,’ he advised. ‘Take it slowly but make your decisions.’
She was twisting her lips in agony. He could see her mopping at her eyes with a screw of damp lace. He’d brought a clean handkerchief with him, half expecting something like this. ‘A man-sized one,’ he said, pushing it towards her.
It brought a storm of tears he hadn’t expected. ‘You’re trying to be kind, buck me up, but whichever way you look at it, I’ve ruined everything. Made a real mess of my life.’
Her hand was beside him on the bench seat; he patted it. ‘What counts is how you pull it together again.’
‘How can I possibly?’
‘You can, you’ll manage. You must think about what you want from life.’
‘I don’t know what I want, I only know it’s not what I’ve got now. I’ve made a bad mistake. I thought I wanted Adam.’
‘Make the best of what you do have. Your mother will help all she can and so will I. You’re not alone, Chloe.’
That opened the floodgates; soon the tears were pouring down her face.
‘It takes courage to pull yourself up and get on with life,’ Rex said. ‘Don’t see yourself as a victim. You mustn’t think like that. And don’t blame Adam. You got carried away too.’
‘I got pregnant,’ she said through clenched teeth. ‘That changed things for ever.’
She’d quietened down by the time he was running his van alongside her mother’s garage. He started to unload so that she could unstrap the carrycot. Zac was fast asleep.
‘Thanks, Rex,’ she said. ‘You talk a lot of sense. If anyone can save my reason, it’s you. I’m grateful.’
Rex knew she’d never needed him as much as she did at this moment, but she didn’t recognise that he ached almost as much as she did. He wanted to gather her and her baby into his arms and kiss them.
Chloe felt she was going to pieces. She didn’t feel well and both her body and her mind were acting strangely. Rex seemed to understand and was trying to buoy her up with kindness. He helped her carry Lucy’s bed upstairs and make it up with the bedding from the nest Mum had made for her on the floor. It was while he was trying to erect the big cot for Zac that his hand touched hers and she felt the tingle of electricity run up her arm. It had been just the same in that café when he had helped her to her feet. He was really very sweet. Mum was very lucky to have a friend like him, someone she could trust.
Chloe found the first weeks at home hard going. It was taking all her energy to get through each day as it came, though she knew her family was rallying round. Whenever Rex came to work, she’d go out to talk to him if she could, and give him a hand in the garden.
‘The only way forward I can see,’ she told him, ‘is for me to get a job.’
‘Not yet,’ he advised.
‘But I need to support my children. I’d feel better if I was doing that. At home here with Mum and Aunt Goldie – well, they cosset me.’
‘They’re trying to show you their love and that all is forgiven.’
‘They treat me like a child. They offer advice about baby care all the time, although I’ve had as much experience of that as they have. If Zac cries and I can’t quieten him within moments, they try to take him over.’
Rex laughed. ‘Most parents believe they know better than their children. Your mother is doing her best to help you. All she wants is for you to be happy.’
‘I know, but look at the mess we’re making in her house. She always kept it spick and span, everything neatly in its place, but now it’s littered with toys. She used to display her Royal Worcester china ornaments in the sitting room; now they’ve all been put away because Lucy’s inclined to hurl her teddy bear about.’
‘Helen loves Lucy too. She’s more important to her than pretty ornaments. She can spread them all out again when Lucy’s older.’
Another day she said to him, ‘The easy thing would be for me to stay at home with the kids, but in a way it’s too cosy. I feel I’d like to see more people and do other things. A job would be quite a good thing for me.’
‘It might be, but first give the children time to grow a little older and yourself time to recover and get really fit.’
‘You’re very wise, Rex. You always say the right thing. Comforting, too. I’m glad you’re here. You keep me afloat.’
Chloe had always known that the relationship between her mother and Aunt Goldie was not entirely sunny. There were times when she could feel Aunt Goldie’s jealousy and resentment. She made frequent verbal jabs at her mother and occasionally it boiled over into an argument.
‘You’ve had a more comfortable life than I have. I worked hard to give you better chances and look what you’ve got now; you have this lovely home and a car to drive round in. Money enough to spend on extravagances like your garden, while I’m entirely dependent on the crusts from your table.’
Chloe watched Mum walk away from many of these exchanges in order to keep the peace. She hadn’t expected much help from Aunt Goldie, but to her surprise, she was acting almost like a nanny to Lucy. They seemed to enjoy each other’s company, and that gave Chloe more freedom to nurse her baby and sit out in the garden as Rex had suggested. She tried hard to think about her future but couldn’t come up with any plan to improve matters.
Money was a problem for her. Adam had made no offer to pay towards the children’s maintenance and so far she’d been too proud to ask for it. Mum was buying necessities for the children, but she couldn’t let her go on doing that, not when she was already providing food and shelter for them all.
She made herself dial Adam’s number, but he didn’t want to speak to her. He said, ‘Please don’t ring me, it’s over between us, Chloe,’ and put the receiver down. Writing letters had no effect either. The only conclusion she could draw was that he had no intention of giving her more money.
Apart from the essentials that she couldn’t avoid buying for the baby, Lucy would need new shoes and warmer clothes now that autumn was on the way. Chloe’s little nest egg was being used up. She applied for social security and got it.
‘That’s living on the state,’ Aunt Goldie said in shocked tones. ‘I had to accept help with my rent when Gran died and her pension with her, but I hated having to do it. Where is your pride?’
‘I can’t afford it,’ Chloe retorted. ‘I understand that a lot of old people feel like you, but I’m not too proud and neither are others in my position. That’s why help is made available to us.’
‘You shouldn’t bring children into this world and expect others to support them.’
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nbsp; ‘What did you do when you had Mum?’ Chloe had answered, expecting to hear that Gran had given her money.
‘I went back to work when she was a month old. I had to hand her over to Gran to look after. Can’t you find yourself a little job?’
‘I’d like to.’
Mum had been listening to this, and said, ‘But there’s no hurry, Chloe. You’ll have plenty of time to work when Zac is older. He needs you now.’
Chloe eased her frustration by fiddling with her hair. It was growing long and she couldn’t afford to visit a hairdresser. She was practising putting it up in a more sophisticated style, one she could wear when she finally went to work.
Rex had dinner with them at least once a week. Chloe looked forward to his visits and knew her mother did too. He made opportunities to walk Mum around the garden so they could have a private chat. Sometimes he asked her out for a meal on her own, leaving Chloe at home with the children and Aunt Goldie.
He invited them all round to see his new home. Aunt Goldie praised it loudly and Chloe loved it. She noticed that her mother was very much at ease there and actually made tea for them.
It brought to mind what Adam had said about Rex, that he was probably Mum’s lover. At the time she’d thought that highly unlikely. She couldn’t imagine Mum in that situation. Mum believed wholeheartedly in marriage, and as Rex was a widower, if they loved each other she could see no reason for them not to marry.
Perhaps they were working up to it? But no, they’d known each other for donkey’s years, they had no reason to delay. In fact, Helen had every reason to go full steam ahead, as it would get her away from Aunt Goldie. All the same, the way she smiled at Rex made it look as though she was in love, and he was always drawing her aside for a chat. They were clearly very close.
Rex would make a kind and dependable husband. Chloe smiled to herself. He was already trying to be a father to her. If they did decide to marry, she’d give them her blessing.
Although Helen and Aunt Goldie had made a fuss of the babies to start with, as the weeks went on even their patience frayed occasionally.
Zac was teething; he cried more and wasn’t sleeping so well. Lucy didn’t seem to settle; perhaps it was all the changes in her routine. She was still having temper tantrums. One afternoon when they were all in the summerhouse, making the most of the fitful sunshine, she had a particularly demanding one. Aunt Goldie had stopped her trying to lift Zac from his carrycot.
‘Zac’s asleep, you must leave him alone,’ she told her. ‘You aren’t big enough to lift him out. You might drop him and hurt him.’
Lucy pulled at her mother’s skirt. ‘Want to play with Zac,’ she said.
‘No,’ Chloe told her. ‘Aunt Goldie’s right. You mustn’t try to lift him out of his carrycot, that isn’t safe. He’ll play with you when he’s older.’ She pushed the stuffed rabbit Lucy was fond of into her arms.
She was defiant. ‘Want Zac. Get him up.’
‘No, babies need to sleep. We’ll get him up later.’
‘Now,’ Lucy screamed and hurled the soft toy at the sleeping Zac with all her force. Then she threw herself at the carrycot and tried to push it off the coffee table. Chloe had to leap to her feet to stop her.
‘No, Lucy, that’s naughty. You’ll hurt Zac if you do that.’
Lucy screamed even louder and tossed herself down on the rug in a fury, throwing her arms about and thumping her heels. The wooden floor resounded like a drum. Helen covered her ears with her hands and they all tried to ignore Lucy and the racket she was making.
‘Let her get on with it,’ Aunt Goldie said. ‘She mustn’t be allowed to get her own way by making a fuss like this.’
Chloe hated these scenes; they distressed her almost as much as they did Lucy. The little girl began tearing at her clothes and scratching herself. That made Chloe gather her into her arms and lift her on to her knee. The child’s face was scarlet, she felt hot and sweaty, and for the first time Chloe noticed that she had some biggish spots on her thighs. She looked under her clothes and found more on her back and tummy.
‘Heavens, Mum, is this a rash? Is she ill?’
‘Oh! It’s a rash all right, but I don’t know what it is.’
‘It’s not measles.’ Aunt Goldie was peering over her shoulder.
‘We need to know what it is, don’t we?’
‘Yes, I’ll go and ring the doctor,’ Helen said. ‘It could be something infectious.’
Lucy was sobbing softly in Chloe’s arms. ‘We don’t take her out much, how can she catch anything infectious?’
A few minutes later her mother was hurrying back. ‘Dr Harris says to bring her down and park the car outside the surgery. If one of us lets him know when we’re there, he’ll come out and have a look at Lucy. He says there’s a lot of chickenpox about at the moment and it could be that.’
Chloe carried Lucy to the car and her mother drove them round.
‘Yes, that’s chickenpox,’ the doctor confirmed. ‘Stop her scratching if you can. That can cause scarring. She might want to sleep more than usual. Give her a light diet for a few days. Keep her away from other children until all the scabs are off.’
‘I don’t know where she could have caught it,’ Chloe said. ‘She’s mostly at home with us.’
‘The incubation period is fourteen to twenty-one days, and it’s very infectious before the rash comes out.’
‘She has a baby brother. Will he catch it?’
‘How old is he?’
‘Five months.’
‘If you had chickenpox as a child, most likely not. He’ll get immunity from you. I’ll give you a prescription; it’s an oil that will help the scabs come off more quickly.’
‘Well at least we know what it is,’ Helen said as she drove home.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ Chloe said. ‘I took Zac to the clinic to have some test, and Lucy came with us. They have a slide there and some toys, she loved it. And there were other children.’
‘When did Marigold take us to church? For the harvest festival? That’s about the right time too. There were lots of children there as well. It’s bound to happen from time to time, one of the joys of parenthood.’
‘And chickenpox isn’t serious, is it?’
Lucy had gone to sleep in her arms by the time they reached home again. Chloe took her upstairs and laid her down on her bed, where she slept for an hour.
She came down for her lunch, ate almost nothing but wanted to stay down with them. Aunt Goldie took her out into the garden and played with her in the shade. Lucy was noticeably more crotchety than usual, but she wasn’t really ill.
When the last of Lucy’s scabs was off, Chloe thanked Aunt Goldie for looking after her so well. She really had been a great help in keeping her happy. But soon Marigold herself began to feel unwell, and Chloe felt she owed it to her to be sympathetic. Goldie was querulous and demanded a lot of attention. The next day she announced she had a rash round her midriff. Helen took her to see the doctor. He confirmed it was shingles, caused by the chickenpox virus.
By this time Aunt Goldie was in considerable pain and was angry. ‘I didn’t realise Lucy was a source of infection, I should have stayed well away from her. But I tried to be kind and help you and look where it’s got me.’
Helen and Chloe took turns to dab the lotion the doctor had prescribed on her rash. She complained a good deal, was quite short-tempered with everybody and said some hurtful things. When she tripped over Lucy’s toy dog on wheels, she turned on Chloe. ‘I hope you’re going to stay away from men in future. We can’t cope with any more babies here.’
Helen chided, ‘Marigold, you’re very fond of Lucy.’
‘You needn’t worry,’ Chloe said. ‘I’m off all men.’ But she felt very bad about Aunt Goldie catching shingles, because she’d virtually nursed Lucy back to health. She did her best to be polite and kind to her at all times, though Aunt Goldie took weeks and weeks to recover.
To get away from her one morning,
Chloe went out to the vegetable patch to gather salad vegetables for lunch, and found Rex was there planting out seedlings for winter cabbage.
‘Aunt Goldie’s driving me up the wall,’ she told him. ‘I need to get away. I’ve decided it’s time to start looking for a job.’
‘The children need you here, Chloe.’
‘There are other things they need more. As you know, Adam hasn’t been near and neither has he paid a penny in maintenance.’
‘I can’t believe he hasn’t come to see his children.’
‘Neither can Mum, but it’s up to me now, isn’t it?’
‘Shouldn’t you be here to look after them?’
‘Mum and Aunt Goldie have offered to do that. It’s asking a lot, I know, but Goldie’s good with Lucy. Once I’m earning, I might be able to find a girl to help them.’
Rex sighed. ‘Look, if it’s money, your mum and I would be happy to help.’ That made her eyes search his face. ‘Wait another six months, at least …’
‘That’s a very kind thought, Rex, but no.’
‘I wouldn’t miss the money.’
‘Mum’s supported me and my brood since I came home, hasn’t she?’
He nodded. ‘She wants to.’
‘She feels she has to, and I feel I’ve lost control of everything. Things are happening in my life. I’m being tossed and turned and rushed along by them and I have to do something about it. You’ve helped me see it this way, by telling me to think about the future and make plans.’
‘Chloe, I didn’t mean that you had to get a job before Zac was even a year old.’
‘I know, but I’ve brought two children into the world and it’s my responsibility to bring them up. I’ll feel more in control if I’m earning and can pay for their keep.’
‘Well I think I’d feel the same. You’ll go back to office work?’
‘It’s all I know, but I’m afraid I’ll be rusty at it. I stopped work before Lucy was born, and that’s two and a half years ago now.’