by A. D. Ellis
Chapter 6
Sawyer’s maternal grandfather, Robert Decker, otherwise known as the captain, had grilled a feast of steaks, chicken, and pork chops. Between the meat, baked potatoes, salad, and dessert, everyone was stuffed full. Dishes had been cleared, and the family was just milling about.
Sawyer had given his mom and dad a head’s up that he was planning to tell the rest of the family, and Libby was already teary-eyed while Nate had his jaw clenched as if he wanted to protect his son from whatever was about to come.
“Hey, Deck? Can I talk to you for just a minute?” Sawyer headed out the back door and stood on the steps.
“What’s up, man?” Decker stood beside him and glanced at his twin brother, the other half of his heart and soul.
Without needing words from Sawyer, Decker sensed his brother’s apprehension. “Ahh, so tonight’s the night, huh? No worries, man, you’ve got this. You know we’re on your side, no matter what.” His hand shot out and curled around Sawyer’s; they stood hand-in-hand like they had when they were 5-years-old walking into Kindergarten for the first time.
“Yo, BDSM, you staying out here all night or what?” Kendrick stuck his head out the door; when he saw his cousins’ hands joined, he stepped the rest of the way out while giving a silent nod to Zach who joined them immediately.
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Kendrick’s usually joking eyes were as serious as Sawyer had seen them in a long time.
“You’re telling them, aren’t you? Now?” Understanding dawned on Zach and he reached a hand out, placing it on Sawyer’s shoulder.
“Ah, shit man, okay, I got it. Don’t sweat it, we’re here for you.” Kendrick’s hand landed on Sawyer’s other shoulder. In a swift action, he stretched his arms out to encompass all of his cousins, pulling them tight against his chest the best he could.
“We got this. There’s never been anything the four of us couldn’t face, together. Sawyer, man, I know the pressure is really on you, but you’ve got to know that none of us will ever turn our backs on you. Ever.” Kendrick fell silent and just let the love between them fill the silence.
***********
“Um, could I have everyone sit down in the living room for just a minute? I have something I need to talk to you all about.” Sawyer’s voice held a quiver, but only those who knew what was coming picked up on it.
As the family gathered in the spacious, comfortable living room, Sawyer pulled a chair in from the kitchen. Sitting front and center of the misshapen circle they had formed, he felt like the leader of a group therapy session.
“So…God, this is hard…um, first, I need you all to know just how very much I love you. And I’m so sorry I’ve kept this from you for so long. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hide or lie, but I also never wanted to bring stress or embarrassment or problems onto any of you.” Sawyer took a deep breath and imagined the words tumbling from his lips. Once he said them, he could never take them back.
“What I’m going to say will be a big surprise to some of you. I know there will be a lot of different emotions, so if you have questions or want to talk to me alone, let me know.”
With a deep breath, Sawyer glanced at his brother and cousins. Their nods of support and approval were all he needed.
“I wanted you all to know, I’m gay. I’ve known for quite some time, but it took a while for me to accept it myself, and I’ve just recently started telling a few people. I don’t want to cause problems in the family, but I couldn’t lie to you about who I am for any longer.”
A heavy silence echoed in the room. Sawyer’s heartbeat sounded in his ears, the blood roaring like waves against the shore. He lifted his head, not knowing when he had allowed it to drop in shame. Before him he saw a sea of faces painted with a mixed variety of reactions.
“Don’t hang your head in shame, Sawyer.” Kyle Martin, as close to a blood-related uncle as possible without being part of the actual bloodline, stood up and walked to where Sawyer was sitting. “Stand up.”
When Sawyer stood, he came eye to eye with the man he’d called Uncle Kyle his entire life. Tattooed and pierced, Kyle wore his hair in outlandish styles and bright colors; he had always been the one to march to the beat of his own drummer.
“I’m proud of you for telling us. I’m sorry if any of us made you keep the secret longer than you wanted to. Don’t you ever hang your head in shame in front of your family or anyone else. Stand strong and true to who you are. And, if all else fails, use my motto, ‘Fuck’em all.’”
With those words, Kyle drew Sawyer into a hug and the younger man felt a deep sense of relief that he at least had one more person on his side.
Chuckling at his uncle’s words, Sawyer spoke quietly, “Thank you, Kyle. That means a lot, man.”
As Kyle and Sawyer sat back down on their respective seats, a movement caught Sawyer’s eye. Jeremiah Jordan, Kendrick’s dad, stood up. His wife, Audrey, attempted to grab his hand, but he stalked to the doorway.
“Dad?” Kendrick’s voice was strained as if he felt physical pain toward his father’s reaction.
“Not now, Kendrick. I can’t be here right now. I can’t watch you all sit around and act like this is a good thing. I’m not sure I can ever do that.” Jeremiah shook his head in what appeared to be disgust as he stormed through the kitchen and out the back door.
Audrey stood and walked to Sawyer. “I’m sorry, sweetie. He’ll come around. I love you, always.” The door slammed behind her as she headed out to find her husband.
“Fuck, man, I’m sorry. I never thought my dad would react that way.” Kendrick’s hand left a trail of destruction as it combed through his hair.
With a sinking feeling in his heart, he turned to observe the rest of this family. A few members weren’t in attendance that night, he’d have to contact them and speak to them personally. Several of the younger members of the family didn’t seemed fazed at all by his announcement, and that helped soothe his nerves slightly. As his eyes traveled around the group, he felt as much as he saw acceptance and support. His uncle, Nicky, looked confused, but that was to be expected with Nicky’s limited understanding of the world around him. Sawyer knew he’d have to talk privately to the man, and he knew his aunt Carly and his dad would also help to explain things to Nicky.
It wasn’t until his eyes found his grandparents, John and Cindy, and his grandpa, the captain, that he really felt betrayed and helpless. The people who had told him they loved him all of his life were now looking at him with contempt and disgust.
John’s eyes shone with sorrow, as if he wanted to support Sawyer, but he had to side with his wife. Cindy spoke in disbelief and fear of what others would say, “Sawyer, this is not right, it’s in the Bible for goodness sake. What will the people at church say? You can’t like men, you just can’t. You’re a handsome, strong, smart young man. You’ve just not found the right girl yet. But, she will come along. This is just a phase.” Her head shook more and more as she spoke, her distress evident.
“Grandma, this isn’t a phase. I simply don’t like girls, I find men attractive, and I want to spend my life with a man, not a woman.” He knew his words were hurting her, but he knew they had to be said. He didn’t want her having a false hope that he would grow out of his feelings.
“I won’t stand for a queer to be in my house. It’s not right, it goes against all that this family believes in.” The captain’s words cut harshly into Sawyer’s heart. He had wondered which of his family would be the most hateful about it, but the betrayal he felt at his grandfather’s words was more painful than he could have ever prepared for.
“Dad! I will not have you speak to my son that way. I know this has come as a shock to you, but you will not use derogatory words toward him. If you ban him from your home, you will lose me along with several others.” Libby’s voice was strong and confident as she issued her ultimatum.
“I just can’t stand the thought of a fag…sorry, a homosexual being around my family. You telli
ng me you’re okay if he brings some guy here, and we have to watch them kissing? Don’t even get me started on how sick I feel if I think about him being with another man physically. It’s wrong; it’s not natural. I can’t do it.” With that, the captain stood. “I need everyone to leave now.”
The captain’s wife, Janie, stood beside her husband, but her eyes were angry. “I’m sorry. Robert and I will have a talk and we can all regroup; we’ll see everyone at Jack and Judy’s later this week for dinner as usual. And you all are welcome here at any time, no questions asked.” Her last words were directed at Sawyer, but her fiery eyes burned at her husband.
As the crew silently filed out of the house, it felt as if everything had just gone awry. These families had had several disagreements over the years, but they’d always stuck together. Having people divided against him, divided against each other, it all felt so wrong. And he was helpless to fix it.
“Sawyer, we’re here for you, whatever you need.” Nate hugged his son to him tightly. “I think they are all just surprised. I’ll talk to my mom and dad. I think everyone will come around. But, until then, don’t feel like any of this is your fault.”
Chapter 7
After saying goodbye to the supportive members of his family, Sawyer wandered for a bit. He knew Decker and Katie would have gladly spent the evening with him, or Kendrick would have taken him out for drinks and laughs to keep his mind occupied, or Zach and Zoey would have kept him entertained, but as much as he fought against the suffocating feeling of being alone, right then all he wanted was to be away from his family.
His mind wasn’t being fair to them, and he knew it. Only a few members of his family had let him down, betrayed him, hurt him. But he was lumping them all together in his heart and mind right now. Deep down he knew that he was blessed to have the support, but the bitter pain in his heart, as the words other family members spoke replayed in his head, was too much for him to deal with.
Without conscious thought, Sawyer found himself in his car, driving up the long driveway to Hayden’s home. Sitting in a daze outside the spacious ranch-style dwelling, Sawyer fought his inner demons. He knew he was at Hayden’s for the wrong reasons. He wasn’t there because he loved Hayden; he wasn’t there because he wanted a future with the man. Sure, looking at his friend’s beautiful home, he could picture them cohabitating, raising their precious adopted children, having family and friends over for parties. But, it was just a scripted fantasy in his mind, there was no real feeling to it, no passion.
So, going to Hayden’s house, knowing what Hayden wanted from him, was wrong on many levels. His mind knew it; his heart knew it, but his body longed to be held, comforted, and loved on, even if just for a short time. For a couple hours, he would allow Hayden to help him escape, to stop feeling the pain and the hurt and the betrayal. Sawyer knew it would all come crashing down on him later, and he’d feel even worse for what he was going to let happen between them, but for the moment, escaping the pain would be worth it.
Lifting his head from the steering wheel, Sawyer glanced at the front door of Hayden’s house to see the man he’d quickly come to consider a friend standing and watching him. He appreciated that Hayden hung back and gave him time. Their eyes met and Hayden’s arm lifted in a slight wave. Sawyer’s slight smile was rueful as he watched Hayden turn around and walk into his home, leaving the door open behind him. The invitation was clear; Hayden was offering tonight, tomorrow, forever. All Sawyer had to do was accept.
“Tonight. All I can offer is tonight, Hayden. I’m so sorry.” His ragged whisper echoed in the silence of his car.
Walking to the door, Sawyer let all rational thought leave his mind. Hayden was his friend, he was offering to comfort him, no one was going to get hurt. “Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Morgan. He’s going to get hurt. Eventually.” He ground his teeth against the feeling of disgust he felt for himself.
He found Hayden in the living room, drinks poured and ready on the coffee table. Sawyer walked to the table, grabbed a shot glass, and downed the fiery liquid. Sawyer wasn’t much of a drinker, and he appreciated that Hayden had provided just one shot a piece. He didn’t want shit-faced to be added to his list of negatives when his world crashed around him in T minus two and a half hours.
“Want to talk about it?” Hayden wrapped his arms around Sawyer from behind, nuzzling his nose against Sawyer’s muscular back.
Gritting his teeth, Sawyer spoke softly. “Most of them were fine with it. Grandpa John seemed to want to support me, but had to side with Grandma Cindy, and she was all worried about the Bible and what people would think. She’s probably lining up females for me to date as we speak. My Uncle Jeremiah got up and left saying he couldn’t be okay with it. The captain…” Sawyer’s voice caught. The captain’s response had been the most hurtful of all. “He called me a few choice words and banned me from his house.”
Turning in Hayden’s arms, Sawyer savored the welcoming warmth. This was what he needed, this human connection, this feeling of being accepted and wanted and desired. “Verdict tonight was to leave it, let things cool down, and see how it all plays out.” Grasping the back of Hayden’s head, he whispered against the other man’s mouth, “I’m done talking now.” He let his tongue explore Hayden’s lips before plunging into his mouth.
Sawyer felt Hayden’s length pressed hard against his own. He reached between them and palmed the other man. “Give me this. Make the hurt go away.”
Within seconds, clothing was removed and Sawyer sighed as skin touched skin. When Hayden fisted their lengths in his hand and began to stroke, Sawyer swallowed a groan and stumbled backwards to the couch. Sitting down on the couch he quickly grasped Hayden’s hips and pulled the man towards his face. The erection in front of him was impressive and Sawyer eagerly took it into the heat of his mouth. From the hiss which escaped Hayden’s lips, Sawyer knew the man wasn’t going to last long. Selfishly, he knew he needed more than a blowjob to erase the pain tonight. With a few more licks and sucks, he pulled off of Hayden and leaned back against the couch. Hayden dropped to his knees and Sawyer closed his eyes against the warmth of his mouth around him.
“God, that’s good Hayden, but I need more.” Sawyer reached for his pants and produced a condom as Hayden scrambled to the bathroom for the bottle of lubrication.
When Hayden made a move to sheath Sawyer’s erection, Sawyer pulled back. “Not tonight, I need you tonight. Make me feel, take away the pain.” A harsh kiss passed between them as Sawyer quickly rolled the condom down Hayden’s length.
Sawyer sat on the couch and pulled his legs up to rest his feet on the cushions beside him. The cool liquid Hayden drizzled on his skin made Sawyer catch his breath. When Hayden began to prepare him with a finger, Sawyer grunted, “No, just get inside me. Now.” If he let himself think about what was happening, the guilt would consume him.
A shadow of worry crossed Hayden’s face, but he gave in to Sawyer’s request.
Sawyer gritted his teeth and pushed against the invasion. The searing heat helped to numb the aching pain in his heart for a moment. As Hayden found a rhythm, Sawyer closed his eyes and focused only on the pleasure. There was no pain, no hateful words, no betrayal. He was loved, and cherished, and wanted. He gasped when Hayden gripped his cock in a strong fist and began to jack him off. “I knew we’d be so good together, Sawyer. God, it’s so good.”
Blocking the words Hayden whispered fervently in his ear, Sawyer concentrated only on the physical act between them. After they both found their release, Sawyer allowed his legs to relax and welcomed the kisses placed on his neck as Hayden snuggled into him.
“Let’s go get cleaned up.” Sawyer knew that a shower could lead to more, but he felt the need to escape any possible intimate conversations with Hayden.
***********
An hour later, the buzz of the shot he’d consumed was gone. He’d taken his hurt out on Hayden in the shower, and he was feeling the beginnings of a downward spiral growing and churni
ng inside of him. He thanked a disappointed and confused Hayden, feathered a brief kiss against his lips, and drove off.
He knew there was only one place he could find complete solace to work out his emotions at this time of night. He headed to The Center+ knowing he could go a few rounds with the punching bag, throw a lump of clay on the pottery wheel, paint until his heart was numb to the pain, and run a thousand miles on a treadmill if it would get him away from the hurt.
He just hadn’t planned on someone else being there.
Chapter 8
He breathed deeply to center himself. Luke Hamilton had a war battling inside, and yoga was one of his preferred ways to fight back. Calming music soothed him while the darkness behind his closed eyelids allowed him to imagine a perfectly still, crystal clear lake at the base of a majestic mountain. Several deep breaths later as he reached the end of his yoga workout, Luke felt the anger and frustration which stemmed from a phone call with his father leave his body, and his soul felt at peace.
Allowing one last cleansing breath to fill his chest, he stood and walked from the yoga studio to the gym area. Knowing he’d fight with too much built-up anger if he didn’t center himself, Luke had done his yoga first, but was itching to go a few rounds with the punching bag. As a student of both yoga and Pilates, Luke was a walking contradiction to also be involved in Mixed Martial Arts. All three practices had served him well and he felt grateful to have been hired at The Center+ to teach MMA style classes.
Luke approached MMA from the position of incorporating many styles of martial arts. The sensationalized cage fighting that most people thought of with MMA was not something he would be instructing at The Center+. His students would learn the basics of martial arts and how to use their skills to protect themselves, exercise their body, and enhance their inner well-being; Luke would not be instructing or promoting violent or dramatized methods. He had been very clear on that position when he interviewed for the job, and he felt that The Center+ hired him in part because of his stance.