by A. D. Ellis
When his mother’s eyes welled with tears, Nate reached out a hand. “I don’t mean to hurt you, Mom. But I have to love and support my son in the same way that you always loved and supported Nicky and me. Libby and I really need you and Dad by our sides as we do that. Sawyer needs you.” Nate let his plea float through the air and watched as his mother filtered his words through her mind.
Bringing a hand to her mouth, Cindy caught a sob. “Oh my God, Nathan, I’m no better than the ones who used to make fun of Nicky. I let my concern over my reputation outweigh my never-ending love for Sawyer.”
Turning ashamed eyes to her husband, she let the tears fall. “John, what have I done? Do you think Sawyer can ever forgive me?”
“Shhh, sweetie, I’m sure Sawyer will just be thrilled to have you in his corner. We will go talk to him soon and clear the air. Saying you’re sorry and offering a sincere hug will go a long way.” John put an arm around his wife and hugged her to his side.
Several moments later, Nate left his childhood home feeling buoyed with hope. If he could change the mind of his mother, maybe the others could be brought around as well.
***********
“Jeremiah Jordan, you will listen to me and listen good.” Audrey stood with arms crossed and hip jutted out in a way that Jeremiah knew meant business.
“Dad, really, this isn’t something we should even be discussing.” Kendrick laid his hands gently on his mother’s shoulders and guided her to sit down on the couch.
“Listen you two, I’m not going to call him names or be mean to him, I just don’t think I can accept my nephew being with a man. I don’t want him to be hurt; I saw enough ridicule over sexuality during my time in the military. I don’t want that for him.” Jeremiah tried to explain his position.
“Dad, if I had come to you and told you I was gay, would you have told me you couldn’t be around me anymore?” Kendrick cocked his head to the side and hoped the answer was what he thought it would be.
“Of course not, you’re my son, I would never choose to NOT be around you.” Jeremiah spoke emphatically.
“Back when you and Mom got together, would you have stood for anyone to judge Beckett based on his disabilities?” Kendrick spoke softly about his older brother, knowing in his heart that his father would have never let anyone hurt his son.
“Beckett was my life, just like you and Megan are, I would have fought tooth and nail against anyone who made him feel bad about himself.” Jeremiah’s love and resolve for his children was clear.
“If the captain had said he couldn’t be around Beckett anymore because Kenja is Asian, would you have stood for that?” Audrey spoke softly.
“Again, of course not. Kenja’s race is not something she can control. She’s a beautiful girl and she and Beckett deserve to be happy.” Jeremiah fought the urge to roll his eyes.
“Does Decker deserve to be happy?” Kendrick asked.
“What? Yes, Decker deserves to be happy. I’m glad he found Katie, they seem good together.” Jeremiah huffed.
“But, his identical twin, the same little boy who has spent as much time at this house as his own, the man who is one of my very best friends, the boy you used to bounce on your knee and chase around the house…does he not deserve happiness?” Kendrick went on before his dad could speak. “Stop thinking about the rough road Sawyer has ahead of him. Stop thinking of the hurt you’ve watched others go through. Start thinking about the fact that you love Sawyer. He’s the same person he’s always been. You gave Mom a second chance way back then. You knew some bad shit about her, but you looked beyond that and let love win. Doesn’t Sawyer deserve the same? Acceptance and support were what Mom needed and what you offered. Can’t you do the same for Sawyer?” Kendrick implored of his father.
With tears in her eyes, Audrey spoke to Jeremiah. “JJ, you saved me all those years ago. If we don’t stand together and support Sawyer, who’s going to save him? He needs us; he needs the love and strength of his family to ride out the rough road ahead of him. Please say you’ll be by our sides as we support him.” Audrey watched Jeremiah with hopeful eyes and prayed that they had reached him.
***********
“Daddy, you said some terrible things to Sawyer. Years ago I wouldn’t have known how to stand up against you, but now I know. The words you used were ugly and hurtful and you broke Sawyer’s heart. If you cut him out of your life, you’ll lose more than just Sawyer. You’ll lose me and Audrey along with many other members of this family.” Libby’s eyes shone with tears as she spoke.
“Nate and I have suspected Sawyer was gay since he was a young boy. It’s never changed our love for him, and I hope you can take a step back and realize that your love for him hasn’t changed either. He’s still the same little boy you used to take fishing. He’s the same boy you taught to drive a stick shift. He’s the same boy you used to play checkers with. None of that has changed. He was gay then, he’s gay now. Don’t turn your back on him when he needs his family most.”
Libby could tell from the glint in his eyes and the set of his jaw that her father was not relenting his position.
“Okay, Daddy, I’ll go now. But, please know that if you don’t come around to accepting Sawyer, you will tear this family apart. No, that’s not true. The rest of us will continue living and loving while you sit alone with your hatred and mean words and closed mind.”
***********
The weekly family get together was at Jack and Judy Jordan’s house. Sawyer knew he was technically not their grandchild, but in a family as large as the one he grew up in, family ties and blood lines got blurred like a chalk painting in the rain. He’d grown up with them being Grandpa Jack and Grandma Judy, and he was grateful that their love for him hadn’t changed when he told them he was gay.
Standing in their kitchen, waiting on Decker and Katie to arrive with the pizza, Sawyer noticed the absence of certain family members.
“Why so serious, Sawyer?” Judy patted him on the cheek.
“I guess I was hoping nothing would change, but seeing so many members of the family not show up tonight means that me being gay has changed a lot of things.” Sawyer fought against hanging his head in shame. He had vowed to his Uncle Kyle he’d hold his head high, and he wanted to keep that vow. Just like Luke wanted to keep a promise made to his mother. Sawyer also wanted to keep his head high to show Luke that being gay was okay, and they could get through it together.
“Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you, I told the others to be here later. I thought maybe you needed some time to talk to certain people. In fact, I think your Grandma Cindy is in the living room waiting to talk to you.” Judy kissed his cheek. “We love you, sweet Sawyer. Don’t ever forget that.”
Sawyer smiled as he walked into the living room to find Grandma Cindy. What would this conversation bring? Surely Grandma Judy hadn’t just thrown him to the wolves.
“Grandma?” Sawyer took a seat across from her.
“Oh, Sawyer, I’m so very sorry for the way I acted. I was selfish and more concerned about my image than I was about your feelings. Please forgive me.” Cindy grasped his hands over the coffee table as she pleaded his forgiveness.
“No worries, Grandma. I know what I told you was a shock and a lot to take in. Of course I forgive you.” Sawyer squeezed her hands. “Do you have any questions or things you’d like to talk about?”
“Well, there is one thing I’ve been worried about. Now, don’t worry, if any of those judgmental church ladies start throwing stones, I’ll just remind them of their own glass houses. But, what I’m concerned about is Asher. I mean, he’s young and impressionable; he looks up to the four of you and I’d just hate to see him swayed to your side.” A genuine frown of concern played over Cindy’s face.
Swallowing his laughter, Sawyer smiled patiently. He’d heard many gay friends’ stories in college of people fearing sexuality could be caught or spread. “No worries, Grandma. I’m not out to recruit children. If Asher is gay, he’s gay. I
can’t ‘rub off’ on him or anything like that. His sexuality is safe with me.” Sawyer winked and Cindy blushed as if realizing her fear was unfounded and unreasonable.
“Well, I guess when you put it that way I just sound like a silly old woman, huh?” Cindy stood and pulled Sawyer into a hug. “There will probably be times when I put my foot in my mouth, please forgive me. And talk to me if I say anything offensive. Now, before I start musing about how you’re going to give me great grandbabies, you better go to the garage. I think there’s someone there waiting to drink a beer with you.” With a final pat to his cheek, Cindy let him go.
***********
Walking down the steps and toward the garage, Sawyer wondered who he’d find. His Uncle Jeremiah or the captain? He wanted both of them to accept him, but he knew getting the captain on his side was going to be more of a challenge than his uncle. Knowing he’d take whatever ally he could get, he opened the side door to the garage and stepped in.
The familiar scent of oil and gasoline flooded his senses with memories of his childhood. The four boys had played for hours in and out of the garage while growing up. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he found his Uncle Jeremiah and Kendrick leaning against the cabinets of Grandpa Jack’s work area.
“Ah, the S of BDSM arrives. Have a cold one, man.” Kendrick tossed him a beer and Sawyer accepted it gratefully.
“So, before we have this somewhat awkward conversation about Sawyer being gay, can someone please explain to me what BDSM has to do with Decker and Sawyer?” Jeremiah seemed to be stalling yet genuinely curious.
“Just an old joke. Not a very funny one.” Sawyer shook his head and tried to move on, but Kendrick wasn’t having it.
“No, let’s ease into this discussion.” He winked at Sawyer and then turned to his dad. “You see, I had been dating a girl who wanted me to do all this BDSM shit. You know, the whips and chains and collars. I wasn’t into it, so we broke up. But one day I was doodling BDSM on my notebook waiting for class to start and realized that the initials were perfect for Brothers Decker & Sawyer Morgan. There you have it, the birth of a very clever nickname.” Kendrick nodded his head, proud of his creativity.
“Thank God. I know what BDSM is, and I’m not sure I could take it if Sawyer shared he’s gay and he and Decker are into BDSM.” Jeremiah shuddered, and Sawyer threw his head back in laughter.
“No worries, Uncle J, no whips and chains for me. Although, I have a funny story about a blind date sometime when you’re up for it.” Taking a long sip of his beer, Sawyer waited while he wondered where this conversation was going to go.
Clearing his throat, Kendrick nodded at his dad in a go on gesture. Jeremiah shuffled nervously before downing the rest of his beer.
“So, first I want to say I’m sorry for the way I acted when you told the family you’re gay. That was wrong of me. I’ve had some time to think,” Jeremiah began, but Kendrick interrupted.
“Yeah, and some time for Mom to lay into him.” He smirked as Jeremiah rolled his eyes.
“Yes, there was that too. Anyway, I had some time to think about what you told us. I think the reason I acted the way I did was out of fear for you. I watched a couple guys get treated terribly during my years in the military all because of their sexuality. One of the men got beat up so badly he was no longer able to be a soldier. Thinking of that happening to you scared me.”
Jeremiah stopped for a moment.
“And, while we’re being honest, I think I’m also scared of things I don’t understand. I don’t understand the attraction to men, so I balked at it when one of my favorite nephews told me he likes men. But, I’ve had time to think, and I know that who you like or love doesn’t change the fact that I love you and always will.” Jeremiah walked to Sawyer and pulled him into a strong hug. “I hate that you’ve had to face this alone for so long, and I hate that there will be more rough times, but you’ve got me on your side through it all.”
While all three men fought back tears, Jeremiah headed inside and Sawyer and Kendrick stayed in the garage to finish their beers.
“Well, two of three have come around. That conversation went fairly well, huh?” Sawyer was grateful to Kendrick for being there and standing beside him.
“Yeah, it’s amazing what having your ass handed to you by my mom can do to change your outlook on things.” Kendrick stated matter-of-factly and Sawyer couldn’t help but laugh.
“Well, I guess I’ll have to thank Aunt Audrey for her ass handing skills.” The cousins laughed and headed inside for pizza.
***********
The pizza was delicious as usual, laughter filled the house, and things felt right. Almost. The only thing missing was the captain and Grandma Janie. Their absence hung heavily in the air.
Sawyer’s mom, Libby, stated, “Janie said she’s giving him until the weekend and then she’s going to lay into him. She feels it will be better if he has some time to think about it before she starts in on him.”
Sawyer felt the absence of the captain as painfully as he would have felt the absence of a limb. He hated that his secret had broken the family up, even though he prayed it would only be temporarily. He also hated the thought of never having his grandpa back in his life.
Doing his best to ignore the pain in his heart, he looked around at the family members who were there and felt his heart swell with hope. He’d shared his secret, and 99% of his family still loved him and supported him. It didn’t mean that he’d never have problems, but it meant the world to him to have them by his side. He knew he was lucky, very few of his friends had found the same love, acceptance, and support.
“Thank you all. Thanks for being here for me, for loving me, accepting me, supporting me. My biggest fear was losing you, or causing problems for The Center+. I know the captain may be a harder sell, but I really am grateful to have all of you on my side.”
Running his hand through his short brown hair, he continued. “One thing I think we need to agree upon is open communication. If you have a question, ask. If you’re worried about something, talk to me. I’m not openly dating anyone right now, but if and when I do, there will probably be talk around town. And I’m worried what will happen when clients and parents at The Center+ get wind of it. Maybe we should have a meeting at work, include all the employees, and set up a planned response if the time for that comes.”
Everyone nodded their agreement, and Katie accepted the responsibility for adding it to the agenda for the next meeting.
“Um, you said to ask questions if we had them.” Nicky spoke up.
Everyone in the kitchen tensed up. Nicky struggled with a developmental disability from birth. He was smart, but it took him longer to learn things. His speech and gait were affected by the lack of oxygen at birth. He had a beautiful wife who had been through some horrific things when she was younger, she and Nicky had an open, honest, and beautiful love, and they were blessed with gorgeous, perfect children. Nicky was known for speaking his mind; if it came to his head, he said it. He was never purposely rude or hurtful, but he was blunt to say the least. So, if Nicky had a question for Sawyer, there was no telling what he was going to ask.
Nate jumped in. “Nick, why don’t you tell me your question first?” Nate leaned in to let his brother whisper into his ear, and his face took on a pink hue.
“So, how about those of you who want to be a part of this fairly detailed question head to the garage for some beers, and the rest of us will clean up the mess from supper. How’s that? Good? Okay then.” Nate pushed Nicky and Sawyer out the door.
A grinning Kendrick followed. Zach and Zoey, Decker and Katie, and Aly all trouped out the door as well. The kitchen was left with the older generation.
“Trust me, it’s best if the younger ones field Nicky’s questions.” Nate blushed again, and everyone nodded their understanding.
***********
“I don’t want to drink beer. Beer is alcohol and it can impair your judgment. I have to drive Carly home tonight, so
I won’t be drinking.” Nicky always had statistics to spout. Alcohol, cigarettes, condoms, he knew stats on all of them.
“No worries, Uncle Nicky, you don’t have to drink beer. In fact, maybe we should all stick with water for now.” Sawyer knew drinking made Nicky uncomfortable so he passed waters around to the group.
“Okay, what’s your question?” Sawyer was mentally trying to prepare himself for anything that could possibly come from his uncle’s mouth.
“I didn’t know what gay means, but I looked it up in the dictionary and it said happy. That didn’t make sense because I don’t know why the captain would be angry that Sawyer is happy. So I asked Carly, and she said gay means when a girl likes a girl or a boy likes a boy. At first, I was still confused because I like lots of boys and I know Carly likes lots of girls, but no one gets angry about that. So I kept asking Carly about it, but she just turned red and said I should ask someone else. So, I called Beckett because he’s my friend and he’s very smart, even though he’s much younger than me. Did you know we used to go get ice cream when he was a little boy? Anyway, I called Beckett and I asked him. He said it’s when a boy or girl wants to be with another boy or another girl the way I want to be with Carly.” Nicky stopped to take a breath.
Sawyer relaxed a bit, so far there was nothing awkward, but one could never tell what Nicky might blurt out next.
“When Carly and I wanted to make babies, Nate taught me how to kiss, but he wouldn’t tell me what to do to get a baby. He said we’d just know what to do when the time was right.” Nicky kept on talking as if this was a discussion he had every day.