by A. D. Ellis
God, man, it’s just a cup of coffee. Get over it.
Deciding he could be friends with someone without entertaining sexual thoughts about them, Luke climbed from his bike and watched in absolute awe at the beauty of the man walking towards him. Luke was used to being taller than most people, but Sawyer was close to his own height; close enough that he could almost stare straight into the deep brown depths of the man’s eyes. His dark brown hair was cut short and styled into a spikey messy look. Everything about Sawyer was hot, but Luke also saw more than that. He saw a man who was hurt, a man struggling, a man in need of a friend just as much as Luke was.
I can be that friend. As long as he doesn’t want more from me, I can be there for him.
A small voice in his head taunted, But what if he wants more? What then?
I’ll just have to explain that I can’t be more. End of story.
The voice was not to be deterred. So you’d give up a friendship? You’d deny yourself happiness? Wouldn’t that be like letting your dad and brothers win anyway?
Shut up, just shut up. For now it’s coffee and friendship. I can’t deal with more than that right now. This will have to be enough.
Shoving the voice and his thoughts down, he fell into step beside Sawyer. Opening the door to the coffee shop for Sawyer, Luke used everything inside himself to avoid looking at the other man’s ass as he strode past. He failed. Miserably.
***********
“So, what made you decide to come out to your family tonight?” Luke asked Sawyer as they both waited on their piping hot coffee to cool.
“Well, I had already told my brother and cousins a while back, but I just knew it was time to stop hiding it from everyone else. Honestly, I should have admitted it to them years ago, but I’ve been too afraid of rocking the boat and causing trouble.” Sawyer stirred a packet of sugar into his coffee and stared thoughtfully at the brown liquid as it swirled in the cup.
“And, from the way you were beating the shit out of that bag, I’m guessing it didn’t go well?” Luke asked quietly.
“Nah, it didn’t go well. The majority of my family is supportive, but there are three or four who made their disgust and displeasure clear. I think my grandpa calling me hurtful names was the hardest part to take. I’ve idolized that man since I took my first step, maybe even before, so to hear those words spill from his mouth in reference to me…I guess I just felt betrayed.” As he spoke he wondered at how easy it was to talk to Luke.
Luke was quiet for a short time as he let the cruel words from his brothers and father steam roll through his head. Sawyer’s question shook him from his thoughts.
“How were your family and friends when you came out to them?”
“I’m not gay.” Luke’s vehement denial had Sawyer sitting back in shocked silence. He stared at the man sitting across the table from him. Just stared. Because that was all he could do. A million thoughts ran through his head. No way he’s straight. I felt his reaction to me in the gym. My gay-dar can’t be THAT rusty. Shit, he seriously thinks he’s not gay? Just my luck.
As Sawyer continued to stare at him, Luke shifted uncomfortably. “Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. I am attracted to men. I always have been, ever since my earliest memories. But I can’t ever act on those feelings. Ever. End of story.” Luke’s words and the set of his jaw told Sawyer that he was very serious.
But, a flicker of hope burned in Sawyer’s chest and a cheesy quote from an old comedy movie played on repeat through his head, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance…” A chance, that’s all Sawyer wanted. He wanted Luke in his life, and for now he’d take him in whatever capacity he could get him.
Over the next hour, with coffee drained and long since forgotten, Sawyer and Luke talked and laughed as they got to know each other.
“Favorite food?” Sawyer cocked his head to the side and waited on Luke’s answer.
“Pizza. Cliché I know, but the truth. Honestly, pepperoni pizza is my favorite, and I love cold pizza for breakfast.” Luke blushed. “You?”
“Cold pizza? Sure, I’m a guy, aren’t I?” Sawyer’s grin brought a soft glow to his warm brown eyes. “But, as far as favorite foods go, I’d have to say my grandma’s baked potato bar. We load up these huge potatoes with every topping you can imagine; sometimes it’s hard to even find the potato. You’ll have to come over some night and let me show you how we eat potatoes here in Torey Hope.” As Sawyer made the statement, he felt a flutter in his heart thinking of Luke coming to dinner at his grandparents’ house. He wanted to bring him to meet his family, but he knew that scenario was light years away both because of his recent announcement and because of Luke’s staunch denial of his sexuality.
“I’ll take your word on it for now,” Luke replied after he let the words soak in. He appeared touched at the quasi-invitation, and panicked at the same time. Quickly switching to another topic, Luke cleared his throat, “Favorite childhood memory?” As the words were spoken, Sawyer noticed that Luke seemed to regret them.
“I have almost all happy memories growing up. Decker and I had Zach and Kendrick to play with. We’ve got the best families in Torey Hope, and we had The Center+ from before we could even walk. Granted, it wasn’t as elaborate back then, but it still offered us awesome activities. But, hands down, I think my favorite memory is when the captain would take us fishing. He’s always been strict, but he was fair and patient too. He’d take the four of us boys out to the lake, and we’d spend hours with our lines in the water. He used to pretend like he was asleep under that darn fishing hat he wore, but he’d always pipe up with advice or questions or a joke at just the right time as the day wore on.” Sawyer paused, jaw clenched against tears threatening to fall. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back with him, that easy closeness. I miss it already.”
Blinking rapidly to clear his eyes, he glanced at the clock. Not wanting his time with Luke to end, but feeling the need to get out of the coffee shop, he made a suggestion that was purely spur of the moment. “Ever gone night fishing?”
***********
An hour later, as a breeze rippled the water, they sat near the lake’s edge and watched their lines in the shadowy darkness. The full moon and kerosene lanterns provided just enough light, but the darkness surrounding them offered solitude and the feeling of closeness that allowed for conversations that maybe would have never taken place in the bright light of day.
“So, since we’re actually participating in one of my favorite childhood memories, want to share one of yours?” Sawyer’s voice was low so as not to spook the fish or his new friend who seemed as jittery as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
As silence filled the air, Sawyer turned his head slightly. Gazing at the strong profile, Sawyer took note of Luke’s closed eyes and gritted teeth.
“Hey, man, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it.” It hurt Sawyer to know that memories of his childhood brought Luke pain.
“No, I want to talk about it, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of happy childhood memories, and the ones I have make me miss my mom. She died of cancer when I was 15.” Luke spoke softly, and haltingly, as if he’d not shared much about his life with other people. “I’ve never really talked about her to anyone else. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.”
His heart hurt to hear Luke say the words. Sawyer knew nothing of a childhood without friends, and thinking of Luke as a lonely little boy made him sad. And then he felt anger; why would no one want to be friends with Luke?
“Why didn’t you have friends?”
“I kept to myself a lot. I didn’t want people to be around my dad and brothers; they aren’t very nice people, and I didn’t want them to spread their ugly words to any of the kids in town.” Luke’s words were almost whispered as he recalled the memories.
“What about friends at school?” Sawyer was still trying to picture a childhood with no friends.
“My mom homeschooled me. It was easier to
be home with her than to be at school and try to avoid my brothers. By the time she died, I was doing school on the computer, so I finished in a self-study program and graduated early. Her will came as a surprise to my father; he had no clue that she had a separate life insurance policy and that the entire amount would come to me. That money allowed me to travel and learn the various martial arts I wanted to study. I also took several yoga, Pilates, and meditation classes over the years. I’ve always had the same free-spirit as my mother, so traveling brought me peace. The years I had to endure at home after she died almost brought me to my end, so being allowed to take that money and leave as soon as I graduated was a blessing that my mother left me.” Luke’s story spilled out. Sawyer felt he was getting more information than Luke had ever shared with anyone else, but he sensed there was much more to the story that Luke wasn’t sharing.
“So, your mom was your best friend?” Sawyer was very close to his mother, but he didn’t know what it would be like to have only her as his friend. And to lose her, leaving him truly alone in the world, would be devastating.
“Yeah. She was the one who understood me. I was her little look alike. We shared the same smile, eyes, hair, likes, dislikes, sense of humor, everything. She was my biggest fan, my confidant, my protector. When she was gone, the hell I’d been living became more painful than I’d ever thought possible.” Luke stopped speaking as if steeling himself against the pain of the memories.
Sawyer’s hand instinctively reached out to clutch Luke’s shoulder and offer support. The shuddery breath Luke took in trembled through Sawyer’s hand. The heat of the other man’s hand seared his as Luke reached up to grasp his hand. Heartbeat pounding in his ears, Sawyer held his breath as Luke tilted his head so the skin of his cheek could caress the back of Sawyer’s hand.
They sat there for what seemed like hours. Sawyer wanting more, but sensing that Luke would balk. So he let his friend soak in the small bit of intimacy he was affording himself. Before long, Luke ground his teeth together and let go of Sawyer’s hand. Lifting his head, he cleared his throat and went on.
“My happiest childhood memories include my mom taking me to the library. She would plan our entire week of study around the programs the library had going on. We were there two or three times a week usually. Most days we would walk there. I remember holding her hand, skipping down the sidewalk. We would stop for ice cream on the way there sometimes. She always brought a large shopping bag to tote all of our books back home.” Luke sat with eyes closed and savored the memory. “Even when she got sick, she’d take me to the library. She fought the cancer for several years; the last two she was too sick to take me for books, but by that time I was old enough to go by myself. I’d bring books and ice cream home for her. In the end, ice cream was one of the only things she could eat.” Luke’s voice caught, “I haven’t been to a library since she died. I know it sounds silly, but I miss it. I miss the smell of the books, the quietness, the worlds waiting to be discovered between the pages.”
Sawyer had so many things he wanted to say. He wanted to take the hurt away; he wanted to thank Luke for sharing his memory; he wanted to ask about the monsters who were Luke’s dad and brothers. But he lost his chance when they were both pulled from their reverie by a pull on Luke’s line.
Sawyer hopped up and grabbed the fishing pole. Handing it to Luke, he instructed, “Okay, reel it in, nice and slow.” When he saw that Luke was unaccustomed to reeling in the line, he stood behind him. Wrapping his arms around Luke’s, Sawyer gripped the reel handle over Luke’s hand and began reeling the line in.
Several moments later, Sawyer realized that the fish had long since broken the line. He had lost himself in the feel of Luke’s body pressed against his. Becoming aware that he was now firmly plastered to Luke’s back for absolutely no reason other than the fact that it felt wonderful, Sawyer slowly released Luke’s arms. Before he could force himself to back away completely, Sawyer pressed his luck. Fighting the urge to wrap his arms around Luke’s waist, Sawyer satisfied himself with lightly running his nose along the sensitive skin of Luke’s neck. Breathing deeply, the scent of soap and man again battered his senses.
Fighting against his heavy breathing and rapid heartbeat, Luke turned his head slightly so that Sawyer’s lips were right at his earlobe. Knowing he was about to cross a line he wasn’t sure Luke was ready to cross, Sawyer flicked his tongue out and pulled the flesh of Luke’s ear between his lips. Bringing his hand up to guide Sawyer’s head, Luke tilted his head farther to the side to allow access to his neck.
Sawyer let his lips travel slowly over the warm skin, savoring the musky, salty flavor. Forgetting his earlier battle to keep his hands to himself, Sawyer let his hands grip Luke’s hips. Pulling the other man’s body flush with his own, Sawyer pressed the evidence of his desire against Luke’s ass.
And, just like that, Luke shot away from him. Breathing heavily, hands on knees, gathering himself, Luke spoke, “Man, I can’t. I just can’t. I’m sorry. It’s not about you. It’s about not letting my dad and brothers win.” Dropping to his knees, Luke let his head fall into his hands. Scrubbing his face, he laughed bitterly, “Not letting them win means I lose, but I have to keep my promise. I have to. It’s the only thing I have left of her.”
Sawyer didn’t understand the riddles Luke was speaking, but he instinctively wanted to comfort his friend. Walking to him, Sawyer reached down for Luke’s hand. Pulling him to his feet, Sawyer held Luke’s head in his hands and forced blue eyes to meet brown.
“I don’t know what they did to you or what you promised your mom, but I do know there is something here. There is something between us that I’ve never felt for anyone. I won’t let it just disappear. I will be whatever you need me to be, for now. But I want more. I want you.” Knowing he shouldn’t press his friend in the emotional state he was in, Sawyer fought the urge to slam his mouth down on Luke’s. Instead, he feathered a kiss against the other man’s lips. “One day, you’ll tell me your story. One day, you’ll let me in. Until then…” With one last feathery kiss, he let go of Luke.
After packing up their gear in a tense, yet somehow comfortable silence, both men went home to their separate beds. Neither slept. The emotions of their day had finally caught up to them. Confusion, hurt, and guilt rumbled through their minds. But in that mix of emotions there was also happiness and hope silently making themselves known. After several hours of letting the emotions stew in their heads, a fitful sleep overtook them. Luke and Sawyer both gave in to the sleep as their hearts fed on that happiness and hope.
Chapter 10
If the old wives’ tale was to be believed, Sawyer’s ear should have been on fire over the next few days. Several of his most supportive family members went to bat for him with those members of the family who were the least on board with his recent announcement.
Nate sat in his parents’ living room and took the sweet tea his mother offered. When Cindy had taken her seat next to John, Nate started to speak. Before he could get a word out, his mother began. “Now, Nathaniel, I’m sure you’re here to talk about Sawyer, and I’m glad about that. I think we should talk and form a plan. We can’t have this phase of his causing problems for those of us closest to him. So far, I’ve been able to keep the women at church from learning of his little announcement, but I’m not sure how long I can keep the rumor mill quiet. It’s common knowledge that his friend, Hayden Marsten, is gay and they’ve been seen together far too often to keep the rumors from starting soon. Now, my thoughts are…” Cindy gasped as John lovingly placed a hand over her mouth.
“Cindy, dear, let’s allow our boy to speak.” Turning to his son, John nodded. “Nate, the floor is all yours.”
Clearing his throat and realizing that he had more of a job ahead of him than he had originally thought, Nate began.
“Mom, Dad, I don’t think this is a phase for Sawyer.” At his mother’s attempt to argue, Nate held up a hand pleadingly, “Mom, just let me speak, okay?”
> “Honestly, Libby and I have wondered about Sawyer’s sexuality for several years. We were never 100% sure, but we always had it in the back of our minds. At first, when Libby told me she thought Sawyer was gay, I balked. But we talked into the wee hours one night, and we both came to the conclusion that he was our son and we loved him. No questions asked. We want all three of our children to be happy and healthy. End of story. If being with another man is what Sawyer needs to be happy, then so be it. It would be no different than Abby bringing home anyone who didn’t match our original picture of who she would end up with. Different race, different religion, I would hope it wouldn’t matter. If she fell in love with that person, we would be open minded and support her in that happiness. I don’t want Sawyer to get hurt; I think that’s one of the main reasons I didn’t want to accept his attraction to men. And, selfishly, I think I worried about what it would mean for ME. My son has been and will be made fun of, judged, and disgraced because of something he can’t control, yet I was worried about what it would mean for ME.”
Nate took a deep breath as his admission settled in the room. “Sawyer needs us, he needs his whole family. We’ve always been the strong, upstanding, caring family who lets love shine through all we do. If you turn your back on him or refuse to accept him for who he is then we aren’t showing that love.”
Nate turned pointed eyes toward his mother. “Mom, you’re so concerned about what the ladies at church may say. Of that group of church ladies and their husbands there are at least two affairs, three alcoholics, one with a prison record, one charged with embezzlement, and two with gay children.”
When his mother’s mouth dropped open in shock, Nate continued. “Mom, I have to say that I’m really disappointed. You of all people, the mother of a disabled child, should be the last person to pass judgement. And, to worry about what people at church will say? Well, I think the lesson you’ve always taught us is to love each other and let the judgement come from God at the end of time. Judging is not our job, we are here to love each other. I think about the prayer you used to say with us as children, ‘Dear God, be with us as we go through our day. Let your love shine on others through our words and actions.’”