by A. D. Ellis
He watched as Luke’s head and heart battled for several seconds. Seeming satisfied with whatever the outcome of their feud had been, Luke nodded, “Sure, just let me grab a quick shower.”
He stepped back so Sawyer could enter. “Just make yourself at home. There’s OJ in the fridge or I can make coffee.” Luke hesitated as he waffled between heading to the kitchen or the bathroom.
“No, one of the things I wanted to do was stop at my Grandma Janie’s bakery for breakfast and caffeine. Go ahead and get ready.” Sawyer nodded his head toward the hall he knew Luke would soon disappear down.
Running through his plans for the day while Luke showered, Sawyer glanced around furtively. Once he heard the water running and was sure Luke was in the shower, Sawyer stood and roamed the living room and kitchen looking for what he needed.
He found exactly what he was searching for on the small table in the kitchen. Running a hand through his hair, he argued with himself whether or not he should do what he was contemplating. Reaching out a hesitant finger, he slowly moved the items around, glancing at each one to see if it would do. When he heard the shower stop, he grabbed the first item he could get his hands on and quickly shoved it in his pocket as he returned to the couch. Two minutes later, a freshly showered Luke appeared with still-damp hair. Sawyer allowed his greedy gaze to travel down Luke’s bare chest before a shirt was pulled over his head and covered the perfection.
“Ready?” At Luke’s nod, Sawyer headed toward the door. “Oh, hey, make sure you have your wallet and ID.”
When Luke looked at him strangely, Sawyer shrugged, “Just never know when you might need it, ya know?” Trying to appear nonchalant, Sawyer let himself out the door and headed toward his car.
Once they were settled, Sawyer pulled the Honda out onto the street. “Okay, breakfast first. Grandma Janie makes the best scones, but her cinnamon rolls are to die for.”
Making their way to The Cakery, Sawyer waved at his grandmother as they walked inside. The scent of baking pastries and fresh-brewed coffee assaulted their senses.
“My sweet Sawyer, it’s so good to see you.” She came around the counter and gave him a hug. Turning to Luke she stuck out a hand, “Good morning to you. I’m Grandma Janie.”
Luke smiled and returned the hand shake. “Nice meeting you, I’m Luke Hamilton. I’m the new martial arts instructor at The Center+.”
“Of course you are! I’ve heard the name, but we’ve not been formally introduced.” She gathered him into a hug before turning to Sawyer.
“What can I get you boys?”
“Let’s have a cinnamon roll and a buttermilk scone with lingonberry preserves. And two lattes please.” He glanced at Luke, raising his eyebrows in silent question of the order. When Luke nodded and smiled, they headed to a small table in the corner.
While they waited for Janie to bring their breakfast, Sawyer spoke quietly. “Janie is the captain’s second wife. My biological maternal grandmother died when my mom was very young. The captain was a lonely alcoholic for several years, trying to raise my mom and Aunt Audrey. Many mistakes were made over the years. Audrey probably suffered the most. I haven’t been told the entire story, and honestly, I don’t think I’d want to know all the sordid details, but Audrey went through some bad stuff. She and my mom had a rough relationship for several years. It culminated with Audrey doing something to my dad that was actually punishable by law, and he and my mom and the captain setting up an intervention to get Audrey straightened out. My understanding is it was really bad for a while. But, not long after, everyone involved started healing and moving on and that’s when Grandpa met Janie. They dated for a while and married soon after. She’s treated all of us kids like precious treasures ever since.” Sawyer stopped talking and winked at Luke as Janie came out of the kitchen with a tray full of goodies.
“Here you go, boys.” She sat the food and drinks down along with napkins and forks.
“This looks delicious Mrs. Decker, thank you.” Luke’s eyes widened as he took in the size of the cinnamon roll and scone.
“None of that Mrs. Decker nonsense. You can call me Grandma or Janie or Grandma Janie. Mrs. Decker is what the doctor’s office calls me.” Janie smiled and reached her arms out to both men so she could pat them on the shoulders. “Now you boys enjoy your breakfast and don’t even think about paying, it’s on the house. Not every day I get to start my morning with two attractive young men prettying up my place.” She winked and walked away.
“I’ll be sure to tell the captain that,” Sawyer called out as she left.
“The captain is still on my list for eating enough to send himself into cardiac arrest the other night, so he can just get over it.” She stuck her tongue out playfully at Sawyer before disappearing into the kitchen.
“I like her, she’s sweet.” Luke looked at the food in front of him. “Wow, I had no idea these would be so big.”
“Yeah, that’s why I just got the two, I figured we could split them.”
When they had finished their meal and gotten refills on their lattes to go, Sawyer waited until Janie’s back was turned and stuffed a $20 bill into the tip jar on her display counter. “She never lets me pay, but I always make sure she gets a big tip.” Sawyer winked as he whispered to Luke.
Upon leaving The Cakery, Sawyer nodded toward a building to their left. “I need to get a new library card, I lost mine sometime while I was away at school. You up for a trip to the library?”
Sawyer knew that Luke hadn’t been in a library since before his mother died, and he knew his plans for today could backfire terribly. But, he also knew that Luke missed the library, he’d said so himself, so Sawyer took a chance.
Luke’s head nodded almost imperceptibly and they began walking toward the old stone building. When they reached the steps, Luke stopped and stared up at the sign announcing Torey Hope Public Library, Torey Hope, Illinois. “Wow, it’s been such a long time. I didn’t realize just how much I missed it until right now.”
Entering the library, Luke slowed and breathed deeply. “It’s not the same library, but it’s the same smell. The leather and paper and dust. Mmmm, smell that.” He smiled crookedly at Sawyer.
They walked to the main desk. “Good morning, gentlemen, may I help you?” The lady who greeted them was one of Torey Hope’s biggest gossips, and Sawyer suddenly felt a twinge of worry.
“Well, I need to get a replacement library card.” Turning to Luke, he whispered, “You want to get a card while we’re here?”
Luke left the shelf of books he was studying and walked to the desk, “What would I need to get a card today?”
“Just your ID and proof of address.” The clerk spoke as she pulled out the information sheets.
“I’ll come back another day, I’ve got my ID, but no proof of address.”
“Um, as long as you won’t turn me in for mail tampering, I may have borrowed a piece of mail from your kitchen table while you were in the shower.” Sawyer whispered sheepishly.
Luke stared at him for several beats before taking the envelope from his hand and digging his ID out of his wallet.
Five minutes later, Luke was the proud carrier of a Torey Hope Public Library card. A disgruntled Sawyer was out $25 because his replacement card didn’t come for free.
They headed towards the shelves with Sawyer grumbling, “Geesh, you’d think they’d give a guy a break. I was gone for four years.”
Luke shook his head at him and began to eagerly fill his complimentary book bag with titles both old and new. Sawyer wandered through the shelves pretending to look at books while, in reality, he was too busy watching Luke to have a single clue as to what books he was stuffing in his bag.
***********
Luke sat at the little table with his head in his hands. As he thought about his day, he couldn’t help but smile. But that smile quickly turned into a frown because he could never have this for real with Sawyer. It wasn’t fair to make him miss out on a true relationship just because
Luke had so many demons to deal with.
“Hi, Luke. You look forlorn. That means sad. It’s the Word of the Day on the calendar Carly bought me. Why are you so sad?” Nicky Morgan, Sawyer’s uncle sat down across from him.
Luke lifted his head and smiled at the man. Nicky was limited in some things, but possibly more observant and wise than most people in other aspects of life. Luke glanced toward the ice cream shop and saw Sawyer standing in line. When Sawyer waved and smiled, Luke couldn’t help but return the gestures.
“You’re the boy he likes.” Nicky spoke bluntly.
When Luke had no reply, Nicky continued. “I know Sawyer is gay and that means he wants to kiss boys and do other things. You’re the boy he likes. He smiles at you and his eyes twinkle the same way Nate looks at Libby or Jeremiah looks at Audrey.”
Again, Luke sat mutely, not knowing how to respond.
“And you like Sawyer. Your face brightens just like Kyle and Josie when they look at each other across the room.” Nicky glanced back and forth between Sawyer and Luke. “Do you kiss him and want to marry him?”
At that point, Luke knew he had to speak. “It’s not that easy, Nicky. I do like Sawyer very much, but I can’t ever be with him like that.”
“But you like him, and he likes you. Why would you not want to spend your life with someone you love?” Nicky’s forehead crinkled.
“When I was growing up, some people were really mean to me. I promised my mom when she died that I would never let those mean people win. If I love Sawyer, those mean guys win and I can’t let that happen. I don’t get to love, but that means they won’t win.” Luke spoke in defeat.
“But by not loving Sawyer you’re making yourself sad, which means those mean people win anyway, right?” Nicky questioned.
“It’s not quite that simple, but yeah, I guess they win either way.”
“Well, I don’t like mean people, and I don’t like when my friends are sad.” Nicky stood up to leave when he noticed Sawyer was heading their direction. “Just remember, Luke, you can’t help who you love. You should just worry about keeping yourself happy and forget about those mean people. They aren’t here now, but you have friends in Torey Hope and we all want to see you and Sawyer happy.” Nicky waited until Sawyer handed one of the ice creams over to Luke then pulled his nephew into a warm hug.
“He likes you. Be nice to him and love him. Maybe he’ll let you…”
“Whoa, Uncle Nicky, let’s not forget that some things aren’t for talking about in public.” Sawyer quickly halted where he thought the man was going.
“I was just going to say maybe he’ll let you marry him. I know it’s not appropriate to talk about holes and penises in public.” Nicky spoke solemnly before walking away.
Sawyer closed his eyes at his uncle’s words and slowly turned back to face Luke.
“Yeah, so that was Nicky and he says anything and everything that’s on his mind, no matter who is around. He’s a wonderful guy, great father, and honest to a fault. But, truly, you just never know what might come out of his mouth.” Sawyer babbled nervously, hoping Luke wasn’t offended by what Nicky had unknowingly insinuated.
“He’s a good guy, it’s obvious he loves you very much.” Luke smiled as he licked ice cream to keep it from dripping.
They ate their ice cream in silence for several moments, the only communication being between their flirty smiles and glances across the table.
“Are you ever going to tell me more about your past? Help me understand why you fight this so much?” Sawyer asked as he finished his ice cream.
“I want to, and I will. It’s just hard to think about it, let alone talk about it. I’m afraid you’ll think differently of me after I tell you.” Luke knew in his heart that Sawyer would never judge him for what he’d lived through. But, it was an easy excuse to use.
They stood to walk, Luke grabbing the bag of books by his feet.
Arriving at his apartment, he invited Sawyer in. Dropping the bag at his feet, Luke hesitantly reached his hands for Sawyer. “I know what today was. Thank you. You knew I hadn’t been to a library in years, so taking me there was really special. The books and the ice cream brought back memories of my mom, happy memories.”
Sawyer ran a strong hand down the side of Luke’s face. “I enjoyed my day with you, I loved seeing you relax and just smile.”
“This is so wrong, but I can’t seem to help myself.” Luke curled his fists into Sawyer’s shirt.
“What? What is wrong?” Sawyer questioned.
Without speaking, Luke captured Sawyer’s lips with his and kissed him fervently.
Sawyer quickly spun Luke around and pinned him against the door. The kiss deepened.
In a movement which clearly portrayed his desperation and desire, Luke muscled Sawyer across the living room bringing them to a stop against the hallway wall.
Luke’s hands traveled under Sawyer’s shirt. As his hands roamed the muscles, Sawyer watched him lean his head against the wall breathing heavily, as if trying to get a grip on himself.
Sawyer took advantage of Luke’s neck being on display and leaned in to drop heavy kisses against the man’s salty skin. Running his tongue from neck to jaw to ear, Sawyer let his lips pull at the ear lobe before traveling back down to focus on the hollow of Luke’s collarbone.
Knowing he was pushing his luck, but not wanting to stop, Sawyer slowly worked his hands under Luke’s shirt. He’d seen the man without the shirt, but seeing did nothing compared to feeling the tight muscles and fiery skin under his fingers.
“I’m going to regret this, and I need you to know it can’t keep happening, but I need to touch you.” Luke spoke gruffly even as his hands moved down to cup the front of Sawyer’s jeans.
Wasting no time, not wanting Luke to change his mind, Sawyer made quick work of both his buttons and Luke’s. He knew he’d stop as soon as Luke said the word, but he couldn’t think about that at the moment.
Both men eased tentative hands under elastic and groaned when skin met skin. They reveled in the solid heat. Luke’s head fell back against the wall when Sawyer’s hand maneuvered them so their erections rubbed together.
Sensing Luke was almost at his breaking point, Sawyer allowed the connection to continue, but moved his hands to the other man’s shoulders. Chest heaving, Sawyer rested his forehead on Luke’s and pressed his groin gently against his. With soft, short rocking motions, Sawyer continued his assault on Luke, knowing he needed to tread lightly. Gripping the back of Luke’s head, Sawyer whispered gruffly in his ear, “You can’t keep fighting this. It’s too good, too right. I’m stopping for now, because I know you’re not ready, but rest assured we will continue this one day.” Brushing a kiss softly against Luke’s lips, Sawyer backed away.
For several seconds, he watched as Luke leaned against the wall with his eyes closed. Sawyer longed to reach down and stroke him until he fell apart, but he knew the man was fighting his inner demons. Buttoning his own pants first, then finishing up the buttons on Luke’s jeans, Sawyer walked them both to the kitchen.
Leaning against opposite counters, the men stood silently for a few moments.
“Listen, I’m sorry about that…” Luke began.
“Stop, Luke. Don’t ever be sorry about that. There’s something between us, something stronger than either of us can deny. I am trying really hard not to push you too far, but having you react to me like you did tonight is definitely nothing you need to apologize for.” Sawyer spoke sincerely, his eyes locked with Luke’s.
“Um, do you want to stay for dinner or something? I mean, as long as it’s not too awkward. We could order pizza or Chinese?” Luke’s face held a mixture of hope and fear.
“Man, it kills me to have to turn you down, but tonight is Adam’s last night in town and I promised dinner before he leaves.” Sawyer stepped the short distance across the kitchen and slid an arm around Luke’s waist, pulling him flush to his body.
Luke groaned and rested his forehead li
ghtly on Sawyer’s.
“But, how about this? Tomorrow you come to my grandparents’ house for lunch and then we can spend the day playing video games at my house with the other guys.” Sawyer cocked an eyebrow hopefully.
Taking a deep breath, Luke blew it out, “Gonna have to pass on the lunch invite, but I could probably do video games at your place.” When Sawyer’s face fell, Luke cupped his cheeks in his hands and spoke softly, “Baby steps, Sawyer, I need baby steps.”
Sawyer left Luke’s a bit later feeling buoyed with hope. He was strung like a tight rope and saw no end in sight other than a cold shower, but Luke had said he needed baby steps. Someone who was completely against moving forward wouldn’t have asked for baby steps. He had made progress with Luke throughout the day. He could only hope that Luke wouldn’t start regretting what had gone on between them.
***********
Sawyer and Adam enjoyed a nice evening, and Adam left with promises to check in and visit again soon.
Lunch at John and Cindy Morgan’s was the usual upbeat, fun atmosphere Sawyer had grown up in. He only wished Luke could have been there. Not just because he wanted him by his side, but because he sensed that Luke needed the love of a family.
“Hey, guys, I told Luke he could come over and play video games today. Hope you don’t mind.” Sawyer spoke casually to his brother and cousins.
“Nah, man, that’s cool. I’ll actually probably be at Kate’s until late, so don’t count on me for games.” Decker winked at his girl as he spoke to his brother.
“No gaming for me tonight, man. I told Asher I’d help him on some project he’s working on. I’ll probably just stay at Kyle and Josie’s on the couch tonight.” Zach shrugged and gave Asher a fist bump. Asher was a teenager and tried his best to be cool, but his gangly awkwardness was evident every time he was around his older cousins.