The List

by Alice Ward

He finished with his shirt and started on his pants. Though I knew exactly what he looked like naked, I couldn’t help but stare as he undressed. Even in the dim light, the definition of his muscles was astounding. I got my own fingers moving and pulled my dress off. Since I’d never replaced the panties Xavier ripped earlier, removing one article of clothing meant I was naked.

  Xavier took my hand in his and led me across the worn stones and down to the lake. There was a narrow beach there, with sand that almost felt like it was from the ocean. The wet bits squished between my toes as we waded into the water. Each wave that lapped against my bare skin felt like a kiss from a lover. I could feel my nipples hardening and goosebumps rising on my skin, but it wasn’t from the water temperature. The lake itself was warm.

  Xavier kept my hand enclosed in his as we walked deeper into the lake. We stopped after a few more yards, at the spot where the water came halfway up my chest. My eyes had adjusted to the night, allowing me to finally see Xavier’s whole face. His eyes slid down and took in my bare body. From under the water, his free hand tenderly groped at my breasts. I closed my eyes and absorbed the sweet sensation of his touch.

  When I opened them, Xavier had moved closer. We were inches away now. I sucked in a breath, unsure of what was to come next, but knowing I’d fully embrace it. What Xavier had done to me on the side of the road earlier was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. He’d blown me up with pleasure, collected all the pieces, and reassembled me all over again.

  And the process had made me realize something. I belonged to him. Maybe I didn’t want to. And maybe he didn’t want me to, but there was no use fighting it.

  Xavier reached out to me with both hands and cupped my face. His thumb brushed against my lower lip and set off jumps of electricity just below my skin. I lifted my chin and pressed my mouth closer into his touch.

  “You,” he softly said. His mouth twitched, like there was something he wanted to say but couldn’t get out. His eyes flicked across mine. I held his gaze, staring back.

  If there really was something he wanted to say, but couldn’t, I understood. This whole thing between us had turned into what I was afraid would happen. I’d fallen when I hadn’t meant to. And what came next I didn’t know. Would Xavier play me the way I was afraid he would, leaving me stranded and wishing I’d never met him? Or would he surprise me and turn into the kind of man I couldn’t even begin to hope he was?

  “Let’s go inside,” he whispered. “Let’s go inside.”

  His words sent a force from my head to my toes. It melted each inch of me. I couldn’t think about what would happen tomorrow, or the day after that. This moment was too strong. It encompassed my entire understanding of reality. For all I knew, it was just me and Xavier left on the planet Earth.

  I let him take me back through the water and up the hill. The fact that our clothes were laying in the grass didn’t bother me. There was an outdoor shower, and when he turned the handle, cool water cascaded over us both. Pouring body wash in his hand, he washed me everywhere, taking extra time at my center. I was in a trance and breathing hard by the time he’d washed himself and carried me through the sliding door to the cabin’s bedroom. Still wet, he lowered me down on the bed, commanded me to stay still, and then went to his bag in the corner.

  He returned with several pieces of red silk. “You’re mine tonight,” he proclaimed as he lifted my hands above my head and tied them to the bedpost. “Don’t bother fighting.”

  “I don’t want to,” I answered honestly.

  My response had a visceral effect on him. I could see it in the way he licked his lips and edged his legs closer to the bed. I watched silently as he tied my ankles to the bottom bedposts. I was contained, but not trapped. To be trapped, I would have to want to leave, and I didn’t have any desire to go anywhere.

  Finished with binding me to the bed, Xavier retrieved a condom from his bag and rolled it onto his already hard length. He took his time coming back to the bed, crawling onto the comforter, and nestling himself between my stretched legs.

  Seizing the thickest part of my thighs, he squeezed them in an almost massage-like way. As his hands made their way up the length of my body, each muscle received its own special treatment. At my chest, Xavier paused.

  I took in a sharp breath, anticipating what was to come next. Before I could exhale, Xavier slapped my breast. It stung in pain, and I cried out. Xavier cocked his eyebrow and looked at me, the question clear. I nodded. I was trembling, slightly afraid but also eager for more.

  “Tell me to stop,” he said, “and I stop. No questions.”

  “I understand,” I whispered through my teeth. I might have sounded like I was in pain, but the truth was that I was so turned on I could barely speak. Each exhale that left my body threatened to be a moan, and Xavier had only begun touching me.

  Taking both my nipples between his fingers, he lightly twisted. A complicated concoction of pleasure and pain ripped through me. I cried out, my shriek as much of a hybrid as the sensation Xavier was subjecting me to.

  The man above me grinned wickedly and gently rubbed the sore spots he’d just abused. My nipples responded to the fresh touch, and somehow, became even harder.

  “Are you ready for me?” Xavier huskily asked, taking his length in his hand.

  I nodded.

  “Say it.”

  “Yes. Yes, I’m ready for you.”

  He shimmied back to his spot between my legs. I braced myself, expecting a quick and violent entry. Instead, Xavier eased slowly inside, taking me careful inch by careful inch. My walls impatiently sucked at his width, eager to get as much of him as possible. Xavier watched as he entered me, his entire focus on the task at hand.

  Bracing himself on the bed with his palm, he began to rock. It was the slowest I’d ever been taken. The pleasure that stroked against my core was warm and languid. I dropped my head back and let it take me under.

  On and on, Xavier pulsed into me, taking me in a tender way that I never would have thought a man like him could. It was a stark contrast to the damage he’d just done to my breasts, but it was welcome. The pleasure doubled and exploded, sending shock wave after shock wave through me. Xavier watched my face as I rode the waves, his lips parted and sweat trailing down his temple.

  With a curse, he released himself into me. I squeezed my walls around his length, milking him and encouraging him on. His explosion, just like mine, seemed to extend for the longest time. Finally, he pulled out of me and fell back on his haunches. Our labored breathing patterns blended together and filled the room.

  Xavier let out a long breath and wiped his face. “The things you do to me,” he murmured.

  “Likewise.”

  ***

  A fire crackled in the living room when I got out of the shower. I stopped drying my hair and stared in amazement. “You did that?”

  Xavier smirked and put another log on the fire. “You think I was always a city boy?”

  “No.” I smiled back. “You proved yourself out there in the woods today. I don’t think I could identify an oak tree if my life depended on it. But building a fire is another level of awesome.”

  “It might be too warm, but I thought it would add some nice ambiance.”

  “It does,” I agreed, looking past him to the screen door. It must have been nearly midnight, but I wasn’t tired at all. Each cell in my body felt intensely alive. I vibrated with energy, feeling eager and alert like I never had before.

  Out in the woods, crickets and frogs chirped. The main lodge was just a short walk away, but for the most part, we were on our own. It was perfect. I wished we could stay forever, just me and Xavier, holed up in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn’t even care about how we got by. We could fish in the lake and scrounge for berries and mushrooms in the woods, for all I cared. There would still be something fairy tale-like about our existence, and that would be good enough for me.

  I pressed my lips tight together and turned my back away from the scr
een door. There was no point in entertaining such dreams. I needed to just focus on enjoying the weekend. If I didn’t, then I risked wasting the entire trip.

  A familiar ringing pierced the air. Xavier’s eyebrows pushed together, and he stood up. “Is that your phone?”

  “Yeah. I wonder who would be calling this late.” Fear pitter-pattered through me. A late-night call often only meant one thing. An emergency.

  With thoughts of my parents or Ann-Marie, and a dozen terrible things that could have happened to any of them on my mind, I rushed to the bedroom and snatched my phone off the charger. When I saw it was Dan calling, I heaved a relieved sigh.

  “Hello?” I answered.

  “Riley, it’s Dan. I know it’s late, but I’m calling because I need you to open tomorrow morning.”

  I cringed. “I can’t. I’m still out of town.”

  “Out of town?” he barked. “What do you mean you’re out of town?”

  “I’m in Connecticut, at a cabin in the middle of the woods. I requested this weekend off, remember?”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  Heat flooded my face. A floorboard behind me creaked, signaling Xavier’s entrance, but I didn’t turn around. “I put it on the request-off list.”

  “Well, I’m pretty sure you didn’t because if you had, I would have seen it, now wouldn’t I?” he snapped.

  I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but I grew twice as hot. “I’m sorry. I really thought I wrote it on the list. And I wasn’t scheduled this weekend, so...”

  Dan cut me off. “I still need to know when you’re heading out of town, Riley. You know that’s the policy. This isn’t acceptable.”

  “I know,” I rushed to appease him. “I know, and I’m sorry. I wish I could come in tomorrow.”

  “Where did you say you are?”

  “Um, somewhere in Connecticut. I’m not really sure where.”

  “That’s not so far away. Can’t you just drive back tonight?”

  No way was I asking Xavier to drive me all the way back to New York for anything other than a real emergency. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to please Dan. That would be a real bitch move. I dropped my voice and mumbled into the phone. “I don’t have my own car here.”

  Dan let out a sharp sigh. “All right. Make sure you let me know the next time you’re leaving town.”

  “I will,” I promised. “I’ll write it on the list, and I’ll tell you in person.”

  The line went silent. I checked the screen to make sure he really had hung up, then put my phone back down on the bedside table. I could feel Xavier’s eyes on me, boring into the back of my head. And I could hear his words from earlier echoing in my brain. We’d only known each other for a short time, but Xavier’s assertiveness was hard to miss.

  I slowly turned and faced the man waiting for my attention. He stood in the bedroom doorway, his arms folded across his chest. “That was your boss?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What did he want?” he casually asked.

  Xavier had definitely heard part of my conversation, if not the whole thing. He must have just been curious to see what I was going to say, but I wasn’t in the mood to be tested. “He wanted to know if I could come into work tomorrow morning.”

  “And you told him ‘no,’ then he said, ‘all right, thanks,’ and the conversation ended?”

  My back stiffened a bit. There was an aggressive tone to his voice that was totally unnecessary. Xavier knew the conversation was a tense one. He’d just stood behind me and eavesdropped on over half of it.

  “Yeah,” I fibbed, my voice tart at being cornered.

  Xavier gave the slightest shake of his head. “It didn’t sound like that.”

  “Then why are you asking me?” I huffed. “What are you, the phone call police?”

  He snorted. “Your phone was turned up pretty loud. I couldn’t pick out your manager’s exact words, but I know he wasn’t being nice to you. It sounded like he was angry at you for daring to take a couple days off.”

  “Actually, he was being nice. You heard him wrong.”

  Xavier looked at me like he was confused and didn’t recognize me. “Again, I heard the tone of his voice, Riley.” His nostrils flared as he dropped his arms to his sides. “The guy sounds like a Class A jerk. You don’t need to be putting up with that.”

  I ground my teeth together and counted to ten. This was quickly turning into the first fight between the two of us, and it wasn’t how I envisioned spending a quiet weekend in the country. After taking a moment to calm down, I spoke. “It’s my job.”

  “I understand that, but that doesn’t mean you should be a doormat.”

  “A doormat?” I hissed.

  Xavier held up a palm. “I know you’re not trying to be, but it sounds like this guy is treating you as just that. And it’s not right.”

  I stared at Xavier, trying to figure out just what was going on here. “Why do you care?” I asked.

  Hurt flashed across his face. “I care...” He gulped. “I care about what happens to you.”

  The look on his face in the lake came back to me. It was all I needed to calm my anger. “Thank you. And I know how it looks, but Dan is just short-staffed right now.”

  “You told him you wanted off this weekend?”

  “I thought I did. I mean, I swear I put my name on the request-off list.”

  Xavier fiercely shook his head. “By now, I know how seriously you take that job. You wouldn’t have forgotten to put your name on the list. The douche probably scanned the list, overlooked your name, and called it quits. He gave it the college try and is now too lazy to go back and actually look at the paper again.”

  “You don’t know that,” I meekly said, though I knew that’s very well what could have happened. I searched for a more solid argument. “Dan is the one who can get me promoted.”

  “But will he?”

  I faltered as I looked for an answer. “I… I… Probably. Eventually.”

  Xavier’s eyes narrowed. “Hmm. I’m going to talk to this guy.”

  My knees threated to stop holding me up. “Are you joking?”

  “No. He needs someone to put him in his place, someone to teach him what respect means.”

  Pleasure and horror swelled in me. On one hand, it was flattering that Xavier would do such a thing for me. But it was also crazy. As a general rule, I had to say no to anything that smelled of craziness.

  “Thank you,” I said, moving to Xavier. “But I have it under control.”

  I pressed my hand against his chest. He skeptically peered down at me. “If he’s like this with you, he’s like this with other girls. He probably treats half of his staff this way.”

  I licked my lips. “I don’t know for sure that he is.”

  I noticed that Xavier said other girls and didn’t mention the part of Crumbs that was operated by men. Did he think Dan had something against girls?

  Xavier started to speak, but I cut him off. “Let’s just let it go. Please? I’ll handle it.”

  He begrudgingly nodded. “Fine. But let me know if he gives you any more trouble.”

  I probably won’t.

  Since I didn’t want to prolong the conversation, I just nodded. “Let’s get back to that awesome fire you built. As long as it’s not too hot.”

  Xavier’s eyes sparkled. “Oh, it might be too hot. In fact, you might not be able to keep your clothes on around it.”

  With that, he lifted me up, literally sweeping me right off my feet.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Xavier

  A mess of colors flew by my window, the scene outside the limo looking like a film reel being played on repeat. I’d ridden down each block hundreds of times. There was something different happening on each of them every single day, but what those things were now, I didn’t know. It’d been hard to take note of much of anything all morning. My head was somewhere else, preoccupied with questions that I couldn’t find the answers to.


  Deep in my pocket, my phone buzzed. I whipped it out and looked at the screen, but found no message there.

  “Phantom buzz,” I murmured to myself.

  “What’s that?” Rochelle asked from the seat across from me.

  I looked up at my publicist, who, like always, sat with her back rod-straight. Add the tightly drawn back black hair and pencil skirt she often sported, and she looked like the prime stereotype of a librarian. She typed away on her tablet, briefly glancing up at me in between jabs of her fingers.

  “Phantom buzz,” I said again. “It’s when you think you feel your phone vibrating in your pocket. It can happen even when you don’t have it on you. It’s your muscles responding to conditioning.”

  Rochelle stopped typing but didn’t set the tablet down. “Are you waiting for someone to get in touch? That issue with today’s rider has been solved. If the venue manager—”

  “No. I’m not waiting for anyone.”

  Because I don’t do that, I reminded myself.

  My weekend with Riley had been one of the best of my life. Scratch that. It had been, hands down, the most enjoyable two days I’d ever had. Being with her in Connecticut, tucked away in the woods, it seemed like I was a million light-years removed from the three decades I’d spent my time trudging through. I was a million miles away from me.

  But now here I was, back in Manhattan on Monday, and back to reality. My time with Riley had been amazing, but what was I really doing? How long did I have before the thrill of the new relationship died? Wasn’t it better to just end things and put her on the list?

  Or should I keep riding it out, enjoying her for as long as I could? The little spat we had Saturday night wasn’t even a real fight. Things were great between us. And the things she did to me… damn. She energized me in a way no woman ever had before.

  With Riley, I was alive. That’s not something a smart person gives up.

  But there were other things smart people also didn’t do. One of them was find themselves in an accidentally committed relationship when they had no desire or reason to be in one.

  “Something’s bothering you,” Rochelle mused.