The List

by Alice Ward

  Xavier’s top teeth slowly pierced his bottom lip. He gave one languid nod, looking like he was thinking things over. I waited, listening to my heartbeat overpowering all the other sounds of the coffee shop.

  Xavier’s words slipped out slow and thick. “I appreciate your concern. There has been a lot going on at work. What you’ve observed happened to be the result of that stress.”

  It was a lie. I saw it on his face. It was in the way he couldn’t hold eye contact for more than one second. The fact that he couldn’t trust me with even a little bit of the truth stung like hell. We’d known each other for only a short time, but my days with Xavier had been filled with more excitement and passion than I’d ever known. To shut me out like this was unjust. Whatever was wrong, I could help with, if only he would let me.

  “Is that all?” I asked.

  Xavier bristled at the question. “Yes. That’s all.”

  If he said so, there was no point in continuing to question him. I’d only push him away.

  I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and cleared my throat. I was getting nervous again. I needed to hurry up and do what I came here to do before I chickened out. “There’s something else I want to say. I understand if things are stressful with work right now, but I think it’s a bad sign that it’s impacting our interactions so early on.”

  I was using phrases that sounded too big for me, and they were. This part of the speech I’d rehearsed in my head twenty times while on the train ride over here. Xavier seemed to know something like this was going on. He watched me with a stony face, suspicion in his eyes.

  I kept going. “You were hot Thursday night and cold Friday morning, and that’s not the first time I’ve seen you that way. It’s… unnerving. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with this.”

  Xavier still looked at me with a face like a statue. It was intimidating, but I wouldn’t let it get to me. With one more deep breath, I delivered my final ultimatum. “I need more consistency. I need to know that you want me around, because sometimes you act like you don’t. And if you can’t give me that, or at least the promise of you trying, then I need to be done. I can’t see you anymore.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek and fell back in my seat. Delivering the last part was painful, but it had to be done. I watched Xavier, waiting for his answer, and praying he wouldn’t tell me things were now over between us.

  Seconds crept by. The coffee shop around us seemed to function at warp speed, voices and noises assaulting my ears while Xavier and I sat in this little bubble. Where we were, one second became one minute and each minute became an hour.

  Xavier looked at a spot on the wall next to my head. I could practically see his wheels turning. As he slid his gaze back on mine, though, I saw nothing had changed. There was still distance in those gray pupils. “It sounds to me,” he carefully said, clearly enunciating every word, “like we want different things. And the truth of the matter, Riley, is that I don’t have time for a relationship right now.”

  His words cut me like a knife. The use of my name somehow made the pain even worse. Maybe it was because, with my name inserted right in the middle of that sentence, there was no denying that the news was for me. Xavier didn’t want me. He was done.

  I pressed my lips together to stop them from quivering. Waves of hurt washed over me, but I held my back straight and kept looking back at Xavier. It was good to find the truth out so soon. Now I could finally move on and start fresh. I was letting a job go, and I was letting a man go. No more pretending the things that didn’t serve me did.

  “I see,” I rasped. “Thank you for telling me.”

  Xavier twisted sideways in his seat. It looked like he was about to leave, but he ended up perching on the edge of his chair and not going anywhere. “I still would like to see you. Just not as much. It’s clear that we’ve been spending too much time together. It’s not good for either one of us.”

  Half of his words were delivered while looking at the wall, and the other half were delivered while looking at my forehead. Again, eye contact seemed to be difficult for him.

  “So, you think we’ve spent too much time together?” I asked, just to make sure I had it right.

  “Yes.”

  My pain twisted and morphed into wild anger. “You’re the one who invited me away for the weekend. You’re the one who showed up at my workplace and asked me to come home with you.”

  “I know,” Xavier said through tight teeth. His eyes slid sideways, toward the table next to us. I didn’t care if everyone there knew we were having an argument. This was New York City. We wouldn’t be seeing anyone in this coffee shop ever again.

  “I just don’t understand you. You act… I don’t know. You just act different all the time. And I can see that something is bothering you. It’s fine if you won’t tell me about it, but can’t you just admit something is going on?”

  Xavier’s lips drew tight together. “Are you trying to push me away? Is that it? Are you just trying to make this conversation as unbearable as you possibly can, so that I’ll be the one to walk away and you’ll end up with no dirt on your hands?”

  “What? No. I’m trying to understand you.”

  “There… Is… Nothing… To… Understand.” His hand on the table curled into a fist and became sheet white. I held my breath, afraid for the first time around him.

  He didn’t freak out, though. Instead, he placed his hands on his lap and looked straight at me. “This is what I’m offering. We see each other occasionally. We keep it casual. I’ve already been clear about the time that I have right now. I’m not interested in starting anything serious with anyone.”

  He raised an eyebrow, waiting for my response. But I didn’t have one. This whole relationship had been a whirlwind. It swept me up in a magnificent wind storm, and now it was dropping me off in the middle of a dusty, barren field.

  I should have known. The second I felt a pair of eyes on me at Enigma, I should have known trouble was coming my way. I should have turned and run and never looked back.

  It was too bad I didn’t.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Xavier

  Riley was as pale as a ghost. She looked so small too, sitting there across from me. A part of me itched to reach across the table and pull her into my lap, to tell her I was sorry, that I should have left her alone and never dragged her into my twisted life. But I couldn’t do that because if I did, things would just become harder. It would make putting the space we needed between us ache even worse.

  I knew I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t like a lot of guys out there. I wasn’t looking for a white picket fence and a woman to put a ring on. I’d always been honest with myself about this. Maybe I should have let Riley know what I was like the day we met, but what was done was done. At least I was giving her the straight-up truth now. From here on out, she could make her own decisions with the information I’d provided her.

  If she wanted to still get together occasionally, wonderful. If not, I’d live with it. I was used to things not working out. I knew how to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

  Riley finally spoke, her words sounding like nothing more than an echo of her usual voice. “I don’t know what to say.”

  She turned those big eyes on me, and my chest started to ache. Damn this woman. She was going to make me do things I’d regret. She was going to turn me into a person I didn’t recognize.

  “I need to think about this.” She stood and pressed her hands together.

  “What’s to think about?” My own words made me wince. It’s what I wanted to say, but it came out wrong.

  Riley looked down at me, and there was something entirely new in her eyes. It was regret… it was pity. “You really think there’s nothing to think about?” She shook her head. “If that’s so, I feel sorry for you, Xavier. I really do.”

  With that, she walked away. By the time I turned in my seat, she was going through the front door. I was left by myself, thick balls of heat rolling u
nder my skin. It was a degree of anger I hadn’t felt in a long time. It came in fast explosions, each one making me feel like I was being ripped apart all over again.

  I closed my eyes, but there was nothing new to see there. It was the same hard, angry black.

  One… Two… Three… Four.

  I silently counted away. It was a technique I employed only when I was really close to losing control. If I weren’t in a coffee shop, there’s a good chance the table in front of me would have been turned over.

  “What’s up, bro? You meditating?”

  No fucking way. My eyes snapped open, and I stared at one of the last people I wanted to see right now. Seth sat in Riley’s vacated seat slurping from a plastic cup. He grinned at me around the straw, every bit the cocky frat boy I didn’t want to be sharing a table with.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

  Seth just grinned even wider. “It’s me. Believe it or not.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Watching an awesome show, apparently. Who was that chick you were fighting with?”

  “We weren’t fighting,” I answered quickly. Too quickly.

  “Oh, so you were role-playing? In the middle of a coffee shop too? Kinky.”

  “Why are you bothering me, Seth?”

  He frowned. “I just came over to say hi. Jesus. Get the stick out of your ass, Fields.”

  I sighed. I should probably have apologized to Seth for snapping at him, but with him, that would have meant relinquishing my pride. I definitely wasn’t going to do that. “I’m not in a good mood right now.”

  “I can see that.” He set his cup down on the table and leaned close to me. “Really, though. Who’s the girl with the legs? Is she on the list yet?”

  My nails dug into my palms. Riley may not have been my girlfriend, but that didn’t mean I liked the idea of Seth’s grubby little paws all over her.

  “Xavier? Come on. What’s her name? I want to look her up.”

  I worked my tongue around my dry mouth. I had to answer. There was only one exception to girls going on the list, and that’s when they were your serious girlfriend. If I were to tell Seth to back off, that would mean that I claimed Riley as my own. Which meant I wouldn’t be able to access the women already on the list. Doing so would be considered an act of greed. To the three others in my circle, it would look like I was keeping the best to myself while still indulging on the side. That went completely against code. It would be akin to a toddler taking one toy and claiming it was his and only his while still helping himself to his friends’ toy boxes.

  One of the core concepts of the list was that we shared information freely. There was no hoarding of women unless you were done with the database, whether temporarily or long-term.

  “Riley. Her name is Riley Carson.” The words covered my tongue in a thick, nasty smoke. Saying them felt like a betrayal. I knew it wasn’t though. I was a mess right now. My stupid emotions were getting the better of me.

  “Huh, I thought it would be something nicer. So, what’s the deal? Is she your girlfriend?” He laughed at his own joke. Seth, like everyone else who knew me, understood that I didn’t do girlfriends.

  He stood up and stretched. “Is she on the list yet?”

  “No,” I said to the table. “She’s not on there. I only recently met her.”

  “Sweet. Come on, let’s go put her in now. I need to go to the office anyway. I was so wasted last night I left my iPhone there.”

  My legs were lead, but I forced them to move. I didn’t want to put Riley on the list, but I also understood that doing so would be good. It would help me move on from what was happening between us. It would help me forget that I came within an inch of losing myself.

  I led the way to the club while Seth prattled on about his new yacht and how much it had cost his father. Enigma was completely empty. We were still hours away from the staff arriving. The second we walked in, my eyes went to the spot at the bar where I’d fucked Riley. My gut wrenched at the memory. I sped my pace up and took us upstairs.

  Once inside the office, Seth sat down and typed Riley’s information into the database while I dictated. Each word was painful, but the agony was a sign. It meant I needed to get rid of this silly attachment I’d been forming. Riley needed to become just another woman to me, one to offer me occasional company and sex.

  Finishing the file was a relief. Seth downloaded a picture from Riley’s Facebook page, but I had no desire to look and see which one it was. All I wanted was a stiff drink.

  “I’m hitting up that new rooftop bar,” Seth announced as he stood. “You wanna go? I can get us into the VIP section.”

  I turned away from him and helped myself to the minibar. “No, thanks.”

  “Your loss.”

  He breezed out of the room without another word. I took my whiskey and settled onto the couch. The computer leered at me from across the room. I could have gotten up right then and deleted Riley’s file. I could have called Seth up and told him to forget about this whole thing, that Riley was mine and he needed to stay away from her.

  But I didn’t. What I was doing was necessary. It might have stung like hell, but it seemed to be my only option.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  Riley

  I stepped out of the Williamsburg clothing boutique and rolled my neck around to get out all the kinks. A week without a full-time job hadn’t felt like a break from work at all. Any time I hadn’t spent working at the bar or sleeping, I’d used up with job hunting.

  The first thing I’d done was check to see if there were any more shifts open at the bar. Since there weren’t, I’d resorted to running around Brooklyn and Manhattan, dropping off resumes. I’d left them at coffee shops, clothing stores, and bakeries. Even though I was considering going back to school as soon as I could, I still needed a second job to save up some money. I wasn’t thrilled about the prospect, but I hoped any new job I got wouldn’t be as crazy as Crumbs.

  Right now, it was those little things that kept me going. It was the promise of a better future. And thank God I had that, because the last few weeks had been littered with nothing but disappointment and confusion.

  I’d told Xavier I needed some time to think about us, but I knew the second I left that coffee shop I didn’t have to spend any more brain power on the subject. Xavier and I were different people. We wanted very different things. I should have just counted my lucky stars that I found the truth out two weeks in and not six months or a year later.

  Though I felt decisive about it, I still hadn’t texted or called to let him know. I couldn’t explain my actions, really. Maybe I hoped he’d suddenly change his mind about me, so I kept the door open.

  With each day that passed, though, I saw more and more of the light. Xavier wasn’t the kind of man I was looking for. I wanted something similar to what I had with Jesse. I wanted a boyfriend. Preferably one who would stick around.

  It hurt to realize it couldn’t be Xavier, but what could I do? Stay in bed all day and cry? Stalk him and beg him to be mine?

  The dreams weren’t making it easy. Every night, like clockwork, I put my head on my pillow and Xavier was there. Touching me. Tasting me. Looking at me through those soft, gray eyes. Except in my dreams, he was different. He was the real Xavier, the one I’d never gotten to know. He wasn’t the man who kept me at arm’s length and lived in the shadows. He was the one who loved freely and embraced life.

  I knew that Xavier existed. He was there, just below the mask. There had been fleeting moments where he showed himself, like in the lake. Maybe one day he’d fully expose himself. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be around to see that happen.

  I blinked back tears as I walked down the sidewalk. At least I’d learned a lesson. If a man looked and smelled like trouble, he probably was. There was no shame in running for the hills the moment he first said hello.

  Arriving at Joe’s Tavern, I waved my hello to Bobby, the bartender. Delphine and Janet, the two
other waitresses for the night, were already prepping for our shift. I jumped to it and pulled my hair into a high ponytail, then got to work refilling the salt and pepper shakers. Delphine and Janet were both fast workers, and also cheerful. They talked about their weeks while we got the bar ready to go. When they asked about what was going on in my life, I gave a quick and general answer. I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened with Xavier, and I didn’t know if I would ever be.

  Business came in at a trickling pace for the first few hours. At dinnertime, we got slammed like we usually did. A big group from a nearby law firm came in, and the place became packed nearly shoulder to shoulder. Janet, Delphine, and I were hopping, jumping around so fast our heels rarely touched the floor.

  The intensity the bar offered me was good. When it got busy like this, there was no time to think about anything other than getting drink orders right and making sure fries were coming out of the kitchen on time. My personal life and all its woes were a million miles away.

  The big group started to peter out around ten, and by midnight, we were back to a slow flow of business. Delphine and I sat at the cocktail bar near the back getting a head start on organizing the night’s tickets.

  “Ugh,” Delphine spat and held a receipt up to show me an eight percent tip. “What the fuck is wrong with people?”

  “Don’t ask me.”

  “I gave them excellent service. Excellent.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, and they probably thought they were rewarding you immensely for it with an eight percent tip.”

  We both burst into giggles. “True,” she agreed. Her eyes slid over my shoulder and then dropped down to the pile of receipts. “Don’t look, but some guy is staring at you.”

  “Huh?” My shoulders immediately tensed up. There was one person I thought of right away. It couldn’t be him. Could it?

  “What does he look like?” I asked with a dry tongue.