The List

by Alice Ward

  I could not begin to imagine what Worth’s mother must be going through right now, to learn that she’d been the victim of lies. Lies have a way of becoming a habit and if Worth’s father had perpetrated one, then there were dozens, if not more, atop it.

  I thought of my own dad and wondered whether he knew about Mother’s indiscretion. If he did, how could he live with that, day after day, especially considering the way she treated him? If anything, my admiration for my dad grew at that moment. Even if he didn’t know the specifics, he was living with the hell she’d created with her guilt. How could he do that?

  “You want to talk?” I finally asked, exasperated.

  “No, nothing to talk about,” was his short response. I was trying not to take this personally, but it was tremendously hard to stand by and be dismissed like this and not wonder if I’d done something wrong. I would bide my time, however.

  My time, as it came to be more obvious, was going to be of an extended duration. Worth’s demeanor was not confrontational, but distant and very cool. I took up semi-permanent residence in the guest room, even going so far as to move in a share of my clothes and toiletries. He never said a word. I began to wonder whether I should move out entirely, but there didn’t seem to be an opportunity to even discuss that.

  Winter was receding and the first signs of spring were advancing. The new house was going exceedingly well. I drove there daily and made the A or B decisions that Beverly put to me. She and I had decided at the outset that one of us had to be the boss, to have the overall knowledge of what needed to happen and in the proper sequence and it was more or less obvious that would be her. I was fine with that. My job would come later in determining the furnishings and fixtures and she kept me busy picking out tile, appliances, carpets and window dressings. The recessive Worth never showed up at the house and I began to wonder whether his heart was still in it. Even Beverly alluded to his absence from time to time and I knew she wanted to know whether there was something wrong. I avoided the topic, commenting on how busy he was.

  It had been some time since I’d been to the clinic and the afternoon was gorgeous. The dogwood were just beginning to bud and it smelled like spring, particularly as the sun warmed the bluegrass. I had been at my parents’ farm, riding Carlos and brushing his winter coat away. I was feeling in an unusually perky mood. It was certainly brighter than the atmosphere at home. So, on a whim, as I left the farm, I drove to the clinic. The parking lot was packed and while this made me happy that Worth was enjoying such success, I could also see that this is where his life had turned.

  I walked in to find several people milling about, on their way from one therapy to another. Most were women, my age through a couple of decades older. They were well dressed, wearing designer athletic clothing and sporting diamond stud earrings. A few nodded in my direction, but I got the idea they were just being polite and really had no idea who I was. In fact, I knew almost no one who was at the clinic, employee or otherwise. I checked with the receptionist who told me Worth was in with a patient and suggested I have a seat in the juice bar. I did as she suggested and took a stool, ordering a green drink perhaps because spring was well on its way.

  On the stool nearby was a very attractive blonde woman built like a dancer and dressed in a three-piece suit as opposed to the athletic clothing everyone else wore. I assumed she was a talk-therapy patient only. I nodded toward her and said hello.

  She smiled and spoke. “You seem very familiar to me, but I’m new in town and surely we haven’t met before?”

  “Really?” I said. “I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure…”

  “I’m Deb Hunt,” she said, thrusting her hand forward. I shook it briefly and tried to find a connection but nothing came to mind.

  “I’m sure I’ve seen you,” she said and then a lightbulb must have gone off for her. “Of course! You’re with Dr. LaViere… his fiancé, is that correct?”

  I nodded. Our picture had been in all the papers following the grand opening and that was likely where she’d seen me. “Yes, I am. Are you one of Worth’s patients?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t unethical for me to ask, but she had more or less started this guessing game.

  “Oh, no, I’m his colleague,” she said, laughing. “I should have introduced myself better. I’m Dr. Deborah Hunt. I’ve been working here with Worth for the last month. Didn’t he tell you?”

  I was flabbergasted. “No, he hadn’t mentioned it,” I said to her as well as to myself and my discomfort must have been evident because she picked up on it instantly.

  “It probably slipped his mind,” she filled in the horrible gap. “He’s been so busy here at the clinic.” She blushed, realizing that if anyone knew how busy he’d been, it would be his fiancé.

  “Well, I’m glad he has you to depend upon,” I made a stab at something pleasant to say. There was the decided air of two females circling one another, looking for the advantage to take the other down. It had already been pre-determined between us that we would not be friends. The only question remained whether we could keep from becoming enemies.

  My drink tasted sour at that moment and I said, “Well, I have to run. Pleasure meeting you.” Her baby blue eyes sparkled. She was exactly Worth’s type; tall, leggy and beautiful. She was probably also very qualified as a doctor, a fact which made her doubly poisonous.

  I left the stool and smiled at the receptionist as I left the clinic. I climbed into my car, feeling as though I’d just caught Worth in bed with another woman. My happiness with the sunshine and warm day was destroyed and in its wake was a sour taste from that horrid drink.

  Now I knew why Worth had shut me off, why he didn’t care if I slept with him or was a part of his life. He was consumed with his clinic, his aspirations, his control and now, his partner. They were validations that he wasn’t a failure, wasn’t a black sheep and the undesired son of a powerful man he’d tried his entire life to please.

  I also now understood who I was. I was the daughter of the woman who had destroyed his life. My mother had helped produce the offspring that his father wanted as an heir, and could not acknowledge. Every time Worth looked at me, he saw my mother. He was distancing himself from everything that hurt… and that included me. We weren’t blood to one another. It was something far worse. I had become his enemy.

  CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

  Auggie

  I drove home through a stream of tears and with each mile, the resolution in my willful soul strengthened. I pulled into a tire store and as I waited, they welded a trailer hitch onto the back of the Escalade. I drove back to the condo knowing I had at least two hours before Worth was due home.

  I had come to a decision. It wasn’t what I wanted to do but every time in my life that something threatened, I retreated. It was the way I coped with things I could not change.

  I packed an assortment of clothing and shoes and stowed these in the back of the car. I gathered up my personal papers and my laptop, and I left my engagement ring and Worth’s class ring on his dresser.

  I stopped by the phone store and bought a new cell with a private number.

  As I drove to the farm, I called Dad to meet me in the stable. He was there when I arrived. I hugged him.

  “Dad, I don’t want to go into details, but I admire you more than any man alive. I’m going to text you one time from a new phone number and I’m asking you not to give it to anyone, not even Mother and most especially, not to Worth. I’m leaving and taking Carlos with me. I’ll be fine. I don’t know where I’m going but I need to be on my own. I hope you will understand.”

  Dad looked at me with tears in his gentle eyes and he understood something dark must be behind this move. He and I had always shared a mutual understanding; we were very much alike. I wondered again how he could have spent these years with a creature like my mother.

  He helped me hitch the trailer to the Escalade and to load Carlos and all the feed, grooming equipment, saddle, and blankets I would need. He hugged me, hard, and kissed
me on the cheek and then turned and walked to the house so he wouldn’t have to watch me drive away.

  As I pulled down the drive, I threw my old cell toward Mother’s bedroom window. It was symbolic as in giving her my old life and claiming my own. Let her deal with the questions. I doubted Worth would barely notice and chances are he would feel a distinct relief.

  There was a thunderstorm building in from the west as I crossed the Ohio River and headed in its direction. It seemed very fitting, considering the turmoil my life was in at the moment.

  Typically, I loved storms, but, this time, was a little different. I was pulling a nervous horse in a trailer and was on roads that weren’t familiar to me. I could feel the wind picking up whenever the road led slightly north or south, catching me on the broadside. I was fighting the wheel, trying not to over-correct as it spun around the vehicle. I chose the right lane and cut my speed down to forty-five mph, but it was still a bit dicey. I finally gave in and took an exit.

  Ahead of me was a building that appeared to be a small factory that had since shut down. At least it had plenty of room for the trailer, so that’s where I headed. I got out of the Escalade and could hear Carlos knocking around, so I opened the trailer enough to climb in with him.

  There was barely enough room for him and I was afraid he might lunge and knock me into the trailer side. The safest place I could think of was to sit astride, so I got a toe hold and boosted myself up. I laid flat on his back, rubbing his sides with my hand.

  The storm picked up and while I generally reveled in their fury, this was bordering on the extreme. At one point, it felt like the trailer even lifted and slammed back down. I even managed to snicker a bit, seeing myself and Carlos in the trailer, spinning out of control as it flew to Oz. I knew, without a doubt, who would play the witch.

  Eventually, the worst of it passed and I backed Carlos out and walked him around the parking lot and into the side grass a bit, letting him cool from the rain and get a sense of himself again.

  I wasn’t certain where we were, but it was a remote, rural area of southern Indiana. Not a single vehicle had passed us the entire time, so I thought this was as good a place as any to spend the night. Carlos went back to his trailer temporarily, and I into mine. I laid the seat flat and covered up with my jacket.

  I had never known such a sad, lonely feeling as I did that night. It was as if all the grief I’d ever felt throughout my life settled on my shoulders at the same time and weighed me down so heavily, I could barely breathe. I cried hard, hard tears… so hard that my chest ached afterwards. How could Worth abandon me like this? I really thought he loved me and would not let his father drive a wedge between us, but apparently I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did.

  All the plans I had envisioned — the house, sleeping with Worth each and every night, our children playing in the yard and taking their first riding lessons — it was all gone now. It was just Carlos and me and the open road.

  There was a tapping noise that awakened me and I was startled at first. I opened my eyes and it took me a moment to orient myself. There was a police officer standing next to the vehicle.

  I rolled down the window. “Good morning,” I said sleepily.

  “Miss,” he acknowledged and tipped his hat. “May I see your driver’s license and registration, please?” he asked. I fumbled in my purse for my wallet and found the registration in the glove box.

  “Here you are.”

  “Where are you headed?” he asked and I began to cry again. “I don’t know,” I wailed.

  “Ma’am, why don’t you step out of the car a moment,” he said, opening the door handle as I unlocked it.

  “Am I in trouble?” I asked, tears streaming. “I’m sorry… it was the storm last night. The trailer was all over the road and I thought it would be safer to find somewhere to park and this place looked deserted and I only meant to stay a couple of hours and then I fell asleep…” I rambled on and on, and he tipped back his hat.

  “Ms. Langford,” he said, looking at my license. “Are you in trouble?”

  I blinked. “Well, that’s what I asked you.”

  “You shouldn’t be parked here without permission of the owner but there haven’t been any complaints filed and its private property so I don’t have jurisdiction. What I mean to ask is whether there is something wrong? You seem pretty out of sorts.”

  “I broke up with my fiancé and I’m leaving town,” I offered by way of explanation and he nodded.

  “Sure you shouldn’t maybe turn around and head back? Maybe you two can work it out and you’ll be a whole lot safer than draggin’ that horse behind you.”

  “No, no… I’ll be fine. I know horses, officer. Carlos has been mine for some time. I’ll head west, I guess,” I finished lamely.

  “Well, if you’re set on that, I suggest that you move on now and pull over at a motel where you can walk the horse a bit and get yourself some decent sleep. Things always look better after a good night’s sleep.” He handed back my ID.

  “Yes, sir, I’ll move on now,” I said and climbed back into the Escalade. I smiled and nodded at him as I circled around and pulled back onto the highway.

  I drove maybe twenty-five miles before I came to a small town that had a large city parking lot. I guess some building had to be torn down and they had nothing better to do with it. I pulled in and saw a country restaurant across the street. I stepped into the trailer long enough to make sure Carlos had something to eat and drink and then I grabbed my bag and headed for the restaurant.

  They were having a special, it seemed. The sign, however, was years old so I guess it was more of a permanent special. It read, “Two eggs n’ bacon $2.99” and that sounded fine to me so I ordered it.

  I wandered to the paper rack by the door and bought a Louisville Courier Journal. My heart ached as I realized what I was leaving behind. Louisville was the only place I’d ever called home. I paged through the paper, looking at ads and the marriage announcements and finally came across an ad for Worth’s clinic. This took the bottom out from under me. I slammed the paper shut and with resolve, finished my breakfast and left.

  I drove west for three days, sleeping in the reclining seat of the Escalade and finding places in the country where I could walk Carlos and even ride him a bit in the most rural areas. I could never leave him. He and I had been through so much together. He was like family.

  I only made one phone call and it was from a phone booth in a gas station along the way. I called Todd Green and got his voicemail, which was exactly what I’d hoped for. I left him a message. “Todd, this is Auggie. I’m okay and doing what I need to do. If anyone reports me missing, refer them to Dad. I’m not running away. I’m looking for someone.”

  Once I hit Missouri and crossed the Mississippi River, I knew I was in a different part of the world. Gone were the fields of bluegrass. Gone were the friendly people and the horse farms where I knew I could find refuge if I needed to. I headed for Kansas City. At least I knew there were ranches there… somewhere.

  I found myself eventually in Colorado, in a small town called Creede. It was only just awakening from the winter and preparing for the influx of tourists who came each summer. Names from western lore peppered its past: Bat Masterson, Calamity Jane and the man who shot Jesse James in the back of the head as he hung a portrait. It suited me perfectly. I’d always felt an attachment to the West and remembered watching old black and white westerns on the television in the family room. I always loved anything that had to do with horses, naturally.

  Outside of town, I found a ranch where Carlos could board and not far away was a row of run-down apartments that seemed to suit my mood. They were called Creede Row and although they rented by the week, I paid in advance for a month. I’d temporarily had my fill of designer furniture and glitter for the sake of public opinion. On the kick of budget living, I found a Dollar General Store and bought myself some bedding, which I rolled up in on the motel bed at night. I’d also bought s
ome sneakers and jeans with cotton, button-up blouses. That was when I found the western store and added to my wardrobe, including a suede hat.

  I was lucky enough to find a job with a tourist business that gave stagecoach rides through the summer season. I knew how to handle horses, of course, and I suppose my derrière was an additional asset from the driver’s seat — I wasn’t deluded. It was fun, though, and I could dress in the clothes I loved best and in the evenings, I visited Carlos and took care of him. The season was only just beginning and there were long periods when no one wanted to ride. During these times, I drove the coach around town and a bit toward the highway where people speeding by might be lured to stop and give it a try.

  It was a late morning and I was returning to town. The coach was empty and the skies were darkening in the distance as they did most afternoons on this side of the mountain. I came upon a Lexus that appeared to be broken down alongside the road. There were a pair of long, male legs extending from beneath it, clad in a pair of what looked to be expensive trousers. As I approached, he was struggling to push out from beneath the car and as he stood, I could tell he was quite tall. I slowed and nodded as he began to flail his arms to catch my attention.

  “Trouble?” I asked as I reined in the team and stopped.

  “I’ll say. I was hoping for a car to pass by but there isn’t much traffic on this road. I never expected a stagecoach, though,” he said, smiling. There was a rumble from the approaching storm.

  “I don’t have my cell with me, but I’ll be glad to give you a lift into town or send someone out when I get in. Lightning scissored the sky and the thunder was immediate, causing us both to start a bit and the horses jumped as well. They wanted to get back to their stables and could not care less whether there was a disabled traveler at stake.

  “You know, if you don’t mind, I’ll ride with you but I’d like to ride up front on the seat with you. Is that permitted? I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to handle a team.”