The List

by Alice Ward

  We live our lives a part of the greater family. We love, triumph and share our defeats. But when it comes time to die — we must do that alone. The revolver spoke and then there was silence. A part of each of us went with him. I hung my head as the tears flowed. The only sound then was the sobbing of my wife.

  Auggie went into mourning. I had never seen her like this. No one could break through to her, not even Ford. She was sitting on the patio, her eyes fixed on some faraway point, unmoving. Ford was trying to talk to her. The sun shone on his head, her same mahogany hair and green eyes. He was so like his mother, but there was a good deal of LaViere there too.

  I had seen it for some time. He’d already begun ordering the hands around when his mother wasn’t in the area and he had few friends from school — they seemed to be intimidated by him. He was young yet, but headed for his hormone transition and a world filled with challenges.

  I knew it would be very hard on Auggie if Ford left, especially now. But at the same time, Carlos’ passing was a fact of life and to allow Auggie to dwell in her grief over a natural fact was an indulgence that Ford would believe was his right as well. The time to move forward was when it was hardest to accomplish.

  I made up my mind then and went into the office, filling out an online application for the military school. They had a process and it would take a couple of months for him to be accepted and readied. We would tour the facility, naturally.

  Why does this feel like I’m signing away my only son’s life?

  The doorbell rang and I opened the heavy entrance door to admit Mr. Langford and Mother. Mother hugged me and then followed Walter out to the patio. They both hugged Ford and then Walter kneeled next to Auggie’s chair, taking her hand. Mother brought Ford inside and I heard Walter’s calm, reassuring voice talking to Auggie softly. They sat out there together for a very long time, until long after sunset. When they walked in, Auggie came to me and wrapped her arms around me, leaned up to kiss me on the cheek before heading upstairs. I heard the bath running and shook Walter’s hand.

  “It’s amazing that for a man trained to give comfort to others, I’m powerless when it comes to those I love.”

  “That’s just natural, son,” he told me. “Ford, why don’t you get your things and come spend the night with your grandmother and me. Let your mom have some time and your dad will look after her.

  Ford looked at me, not for permission, but seeming to make up his mind whether I was capable of the empathy needed. He must have seen what he needed to see because he went up to his room and quickly reappeared with a packed backpack. He hugged my arm and left.

  I went upstairs and stood in the doorway of the bathroom. Auggie was soaking in the garden tub. I peeled off my clothes and climbed into the hot bubbles with her, cradling her between my spread thighs. She leaned back against my chest and cried. It was such a heartbreaking sound and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make the hurt go away.

  “I love you, Auggie,” was all I could think to say. She hadn’t cried for her mother; she hadn’t cried for her half-brother. She was heartbroken over her horse. She felt it was the only thing that had ever truly loved her without conditions. I knew how she felt.

  ***

  I knew Tyler Peterson from school. He had a practice in southern Indiana that specialized in juveniles. I invited him over for dinner and he brought his son, Ernie, with him. Ernie happened to be a year younger than Ford and similar in personality. They went off to Ford’s room to look at some of Ford’s possessions and Auggie and I sat with Tyler in the living room, sipping wine. I explained briefly my concerns with Ford and Tyler listened patiently.

  “I’ve only met him briefly, but he seems quite normal, Worth. Is it possible that you and Auggie are over-reacting a bit? Maybe taking out your dislike for your own parent on him?”

  Auggie nodded, encouraged by that idea but I wasn’t so sure.

  At that moment, Ernie came down the stairs and said to his father, “Dad, I want to go.”

  Tyler set down his wine and motioned for Ernie to come closer. “What’s wrong, son? Aren’t you feeling well?”

  The boy’s eyes were wide. “I’m fine. I want to go home. Now.”

  “Why, son?”

  “I’ll tell you later,” Ernie said, looking at Auggie and me from the side.

  I nodded to Tyler, and he understood that it was fine for him to leave and deal with whatever Ernie’s problem was.

  “Another time, then, Tyler,” I said, standing and taking his glass of wine. “Ernie it was a pleasure to meet you,” I said to the boy.

  Ernie looked up at me, his eyes huge and he nodded, half convinced.

  They left and I looked at Auggie and we simultaneously bounded up the stairs to Ford’s room. I tapped on the door, then pushed it open. Ford was lying on his bed, his shirt off and dollar bills on the bedspread. “Ford? What’s going on in here?” I asked him, trying to figure out the scene before me.

  “Nothing. Just was playing a little poker with the kid. Strip poker. The kid ran out of money and didn’t want to take off his clothes, so I told him to go home. He was a cheater, Dad. You don’t play poker if you’re not going to pay up.” Ford’s face was bland and expressionless. He had no idea how far he had crossed a line.

  “Ford, you have no business treating a guest in this house like that,” I told him because Auggie couldn’t speak, her hand was over her mouth. “Now, go and take your bath and get into bed. There will be no dinner for you this evening, young man.”

  “Don’t want to,” he answered and kept playing with the cards. I walked toward the bed and he threw the deck at me. “Wanna play Fifty-Two Pick Up?” he laughed and it was not a child’s laughter. It sounded eerily like my father’s voice. I shuddered and took his hand, pulling him toward me. I sat on the edge of the bed and turned him to face me. “Listen, young man. You will not behave in this manner, do you hear me? You will do what I tell you to do and tomorrow we are going to have a talk about all this. When you’re done with your bath, I want you to pick up these cards, then I will come up to tuck you in. You’ve got fifteen minutes, starting now.”

  I turned him toward his bathroom and got up with Auggie and left the room. Auggie was shaking. “I’ve never seen him do that,” she whispered and I nodded.

  “Don’t let it shake you. He’s testing me. All boys do that,” I said and we went downstairs and finished our wine. We both needed it.

  In fifteen minutes, I went back up, tapped on his door and opened it. Ford had turned on the water in the bathtub and not shut it off. It was overflowing onto the floor and he sat in the water, the stack of cards wet and bent all about him. He looked up at me with an innocent look. “Dirty ol’ cards. They needed a bath.”

  A week later, Auggie and I waved goodbye to our son. We left him at military school and prayed all the way home that they would straighten him out. I don’t think either of us actually believed they could, but we were at a loss at that moment ourselves. Ford had changed. Something had snapped. Even with all my training, I didn’t want to recognize what had stood right before me. Let the school see what they can do was all I could think.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Worth

  With all the stresses we’d been through, Auggie had gone to a distant place in her mind. She was quiet for long periods of time and when she snapped back, she was often moody and argumentative. I knew she couldn’t be content with the dual loss of first Carlos and then the absence of our son. I also knew she felt a certain amount of guilt for allowing Carlos out to pasture when the grounds were so muddy, particularly after I’d brought it up.

  She’d lost both refuge and purpose. Her dad was exploring his new life with Mother and I was away on business a good deal of the time. She had little in her life and even working the farm was painful because she feared attachment to another horse and its possible loss.

  I decided to take Auggie away for a while to change her pace and the panorama she repeatedly faced on a daily
basis. Summer was yet upon us, so I looked for something that was entirely different. I found Patoka Lake, a large recreational lake in southern Indiana. I knew she wouldn’t object because it wasn’t terribly far from Ford’s new school. I rented a large sailboat for a week and had Betsy fill boxes with foods and drinks.

  Auggie had no idea what I had planned. She got up one morning and while she was in the shower, I had Betsy throw together her bathing suit and some casual clothes and put them in the car. When Auggie came into the bedroom, there was a pair of cut-offs and a t-shirt lying on the bed.

  “What’s this?” she asked, unaccustomed to having clothing laid out for her.

  “I’m taking you away for a few days,” I said, dressed in similarly casual clothing.

  “Where?”

  “Not far, but it’s a surprise. Just trust me. You’ll like it.”

  “I don’t want to be away from home. What if Ford needs me?”

  “You’ll be even closer than you are now, I promise.”

  She didn’t entirely trust my promise, but obliged me and dressed. I picked her up and carried her downstairs and slid her into the passenger seat. “Worth, what on earth is going on?”

  I pulled out of the estate and headed for the expressway. Reaching into the back seat, I pulled forward a picnic basket filled with fruit and muffins and a thermos of coffee. “Betsy sent these for your breakfast,” I said and she picked through the basket like a kid at Easter. It made my heart glad to see her happy again.

  The lake was about two hours away and we arrived to find our boat waiting for us. Auggie was thrilled. She hadn’t been on water often throughout her lifetime, but loved it and had never sailed. I was looking forward to teaching her how to do it. We transferred things from the car to the boat and motored out into the lake to look for a place to anchor and get used to things.

  Patoka Lake was actually a reservoir, created by the Army Corps of Engineers for flood control. Much of southern Indiana was very hilly and the rains could quickly flood the valleys in between the green small mountains. It was also a welcomed recreation area for tourists and had become quite popular.

  We found a quiet inlet and with our retractable keel, drew very little water, allowing us to pull out of the mainstream passages. Around us, were lily pads and snake grass; you could hear the frogs and see fish leap out of the water to eat bugs on the surface with regularity.

  I showed Auggie the cabin and we put away our things. It featured a queen-sized bed and a generous galley. We had onboard satellite links and antenna so we could set up WiFi, as well as have television. The appointments were deluxe and yet compact. Auggie loved it and immediately set about nesting.

  When she came topside, I gave her a basic run-through on the concept of sailing and the use of the various sails. I showed her how to lower and raise the keel, control the wheel and raise and lower the sails as needed. She pretended to pay attention, but I knew she just wanted to lie on the foredeck in the sun and enjoy herself. I was more than willing to let her do just that.

  Although I had sailed several times before, it had been awhile and I prowled around the engine compartment and read through the manual to familiarize myself with the gauges and controls. In the distance, speed boats whizzed by with skiers trailing behind them but we were content just where we were.

  Auggie went down to the galley and emerged with toasted corned beef and Swiss sandwiches and chips, accompanied by cold beer. We remarked how food tasted better when you were outdoors and resolved to do that more often.

  That evening, we set candles on the edge of the boat rail and I opened a bottle of wine while we snacked on cheese and other finger foods that Betsy had sent along. We propped our feet up and looked at the stars. It was a very clear night.

  Auggie and I talked like we had never talked before. We seemed to be two different people there, in that water wildness. Even though there were probably a thousand other people on the lake or next to it that night, we felt alone and isolated. It was such a relief from our normal routine and troubles.

  Auggie told me things I didn’t know about her; things she had lived through as a child. She related the stories of the many times her parents had fought, although her dad generally said little while her mother filled in any gaps. She had belittled him on a regular basis, listing his perceived shortcomings over and over. Auggie told me he had apologized calmly, as was expected, and although he behaved as though everything rolled off his back, she knew differently.

  After the fights, Walter had sought the peace of the barns, tending to their livestock with the love and ease of spirit he couldn’t have within his house. Auggie followed him there and it had become their special place. When her mother ventured out, jealous they were having private time, they’d turned a cold shoulder to her, making it clear her boundaries ended at the doorway of the house. She had retreated, and plotted, and when they went back inside, she was always waiting with cannons loaded. In defense, Auggie and her dad spent more and more time outdoors and in the barns, and less in the house.

  When Auggie left for college, she discovered a freedom she couldn’t have imagined. Suddenly, there was no one watching over her shoulder; no one to force her to curfew or to dust the furniture on Saturdays. She was free to make her own decisions and willing to stand the punishment for her own mistakes. Her dad had always kept her well-financed, but still there were things like missed classes and hangovers she had to contend with on her own.

  “I went a little wild at first, I’ll admit,” she confided. “I suppose I was like a kid in a candy store. There were parties everywhere day and night. I tried drinking, I tried pot and a little wanton sex.” She took a sip of her wine. The moon shone off her hair and the light from the candles put shadows on the lower part of her face. She looked more like a gentle Madonna than a party girl. She was so beautiful I wanted to close my eyes and trap that image in my brain forever.

  “We all do that, honey,” I told her, giving her absolution and a feeling of inclusion at the same time.

  “I wasn’t really that bad of a girl, but compared to living in Mother’s house, it felt like it,” she said, picking up the wine bottle and refilling her glass and mine.

  “Did I ever tell you I was Peter Pan?” she asked, laughing at the memory.

  “No, I think you left that part out.”

  “Well, I was. And not such a bad one, if I say so myself,” she shared. “I remember I had to dress in green tights and tunic and a hat with a feather on my head. They had me bound up in some kind of rigging from the rafters over the stage. They’d lower me and a boom would sort of swing me from one side to the other — like I was flying. At first, I thought it was really cool and looked forward to it. But then, opening night, my stomach was really nervous and upset. I didn’t want to go through with it and begged my understudy to take the role. It was a guy and I think he was even more scared than I was. He refused. So, I had no choice. Mother and Dad were in the audience and they’d brought a few of their friends with them. Their daughter, the star — you get it?”

  I nodded and smiled, watching a candle’s flame as I listened to her voice, husky with the weight of memories.

  She continued, “I climbed up into the overhead rigging and they strapped me in. They lowered the straps and then moved the boom to swing me across the stage like I’d just flown in through the bedroom window. I made it halfway across the stage and the straps against my stomach were too much. I puked. And when I say puked, I mean it. It literally sprayed down onto the stage and onto the backs of two other performers. Naturally, that made them lose it, too — they were just as nervous as I was. So, there we were, opening night, my debut as an actress, Mother with her friends she wanted to impress and the entire stage covered with vomit. I think I took out a few people in the first rows as well. What a disaster. Mother stood and dragged Dad with her. Her face was so pale and I thought she’d be yet another victim.”

  I laughed so hard I blew the candle flame out. Auggie seemed quite p
roud of herself and I realized then how much fun she could be. I traded stories.

  “Father came to school just once — for my graduation. I think he thought I might be lying about being there and wanted proof. Anyway, I knew he was coming and decided I wouldn’t walk with the class, but didn’t tell him. I waited and watched for him and when he finally showed up and took a seat, I took one two rows behind him. When it came time for my name to be called, they skipped me and went to the next person. He instantly recognized the gap.”

  Auggie’s eyes were wide. “What did you do?”

  Giving her a good squeeze, I laughed. “I stood and screamed, clapped and cheered. When he whipped around and saw me sitting in regular clothes in the audience, I thought he would burst a blood vessel. All he could think of was that he’d just paid for all that education — med school and all the other little doctorates — and I’d never gone to a single class, but had probably partied the entire time.”

  “Oh, Worth, you’re awful! Mine was unintentional, but what you did was deliberate. Don’t you ever get tired of manipulating people?” she asked, not laughing the way I’d hoped she would.

  Time to change the subject. “Not when it comes to manipulating parts of you!” I said and pulled her onto my lap. I kissed her forehead, petting her hair which was as rich as a pelt.

  “Seriously, Worth, have you always been such a manipulator?” She looked up and those gorgeous green eyes swallowed me whole.

  “My whole life. It’s who I am, honey. I calculate the odds and if I don’t like them, I change them. You know, in many circles that’s considered a talent.”

  She stiffened and pulled away, her eyes still glued to mine. “Not in my circle. Why do you suppose Ford is who he’s turning out to be?”

  “Don’t go there, Auggie. Ford may have a few rough edges that school will straighten out in him, but overall, he’s a great kid.”