The List

by Alice Ward

  “You’re beautiful,” he said, his eyes mirroring the compliment.

  “Thank you, but I’m more about getting you through today.” I kissed him, then ran my hand down the muscles in his forearm. I tried not to get too close because I knew my touch would inflame him and I wouldn’t sleep with him until we were married.

  “We’re eating on the patio. I think it’s still warm enough.”

  He nodded and went outside while I gathered up the plates with dinner. I’d made roast beef with baby potatoes, carrots, pearl onions and gravy. I had a dish of baked macaroni and cheese, and there was chocolate cake with chocolate cream frosting for dessert.

  “Fit for a king,” he declared, and that made me proud. I’d only ever cooked for Dad before, and it was nice to have a reason to make a full meal. “C’mere,” he said and pulled me down onto his lap and kissed me. He kept his arms around me in a hug, and the warmth felt wonderful. “So, how was your day?”

  “Nothing very interesting. It felt good to cook for you. I really enjoyed that. Mostly I was worried about you.”

  “Hmmmm…” he said and kissed me again.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not too much to talk about. He wants me to come down and see Mother, Mark and Marga.”

  “Huh.”

  “What?”

  “You’ve never mentioned their names before. Have you decided to go?”

  He kissed the side of my face, brushing the hair back from my temple. “Well, I’ve got a pretty strong incentive to do so, wouldn’t you say?”

  “I don’t know how strong I am, but I’m powerful with love.”

  “That’s a nice way to put it, Liane. You always have such a nice way of putting things.” He was silent for a few minutes and then said, “I have an idea.”

  “What’s that?”

  “What if I were to invite you to take a trip with me for the week? You can have a separate room, no problem, but I’d like to spend some dedicated time with you alone. I know I have some changes in store and to be really honest, right now I don’t have a damn clue how to go about it. If I decide to see the family, I’d like to have some idea of how to behave. Having you in my life will go a long way toward that.”

  “I have to work, Hawk.”

  “No, you don’t. Quit your job. I’ve got plenty, and it will all be yours before long anyway.”

  I stiffened. “That’s not who I am. I pay my own way. I may not make as much as you do, and my work may not seem important to you, but it is to me.”

  “Huh. Do you know that I just realized I don’t have a clue what you do?” He seemed stunned.

  “That’s because you never asked. I guess you thought I just donated my time at the Y.”

  “I’m an ass. Tell me what you do.”

  “I’m a zoologist at the Louisville Zoo.”

  He stared down at me. “No kidding? How did you happen along that path?”

  “I’ve always had a kinship with animals and plants. Dad said he didn’t care what I studied at college as long as I graduated, so I took something I liked. I made good grades, and the zoo here had an opening. There I was… right place at the right time.”

  “Would you show me what you do there sometime?”

  “Of course! I also write grants, mostly for the zoo or for organizations that focus on preserving wildlife.”

  “My God,” he said. “Who’d ever thought I’d fall for a tree hugger?”

  I playfully slapped him, and we both laughed. “Be careful — trees are alive and can hear you, you know. You may not want to alienate them all at once.”

  Hawk responded by tickling me until I screamed. “So, you can’t take a week off? Not even for me?”

  “I need to give them a little more notice than that. Anyway, don’t you think we should straighten out this stuff with your family first, then you can ask Dad?”

  “You’re right. I’d much rather have you in the same room if we go away. Where would you like to go on our honeymoon?”

  I hugged him tighter. “Oh, my… haven’t given that any thought. How about you?”

  He looked thoughtful for a moment and then suggested, “How about Italy?”

  I smushed up my nose. “Too old and smelly. Lots of bodies in the canals and catacombs.”

  “Okay, then… how about China?”

  “Ewwww... no, thank you.” Inspiration struck. “I’ve always wanted to go to Australia. Any possibility?”

  “Of course! I suppose you’ll want to be among the wildlife?”

  I nodded. “Would you mind?”

  “As long as I can stay with you and you’re beneath me at night, I’ll sleep in an ice hotel in the Artic.”

  “Huh. Never thought of that one. It’s a possibility,” I teased, only to be tickled again.

  I slid off his lap and carried dishes into the kitchen. Hawk tried to help, but I took his hands and put them at my waist. “I can get these. It’s a small kitchen. I’d like you to run along now and get some sleep. You look exhausted and tomorrow, I’ll drive up, and we’ll go see your family together. We’ll get it over with. What do you say?”

  Hawk sort of rolled his head back, drawing in a deep breath. “You’re determined on this, aren’t you?”

  “I am.”

  “Are you always going to be this stubborn?”

  “If it comes to your welfare, yes.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow then. Don’t get all dolled up. Mother will likely be in jodhpurs and mucking boots.” He gave me a kiss, and I knew he wanted more, but I pushed him toward the door.

  “Goodnight. See you tomorrow.”

  Hawk

  I barely slept that night. All the nightmares of my childhood came back in one flickering silent movie that kept playing over and over in my head. I tried to get up and chase them away by turning on lights and the television, but it was no use. They were determined to rise to the surface.

  It was then that a thought occurred to me. I grabbed my phone and texted Liane: You’re doing this, aren’t you?

  Liane: Yes, it’s for your own good.

  Me: It doesn’t feel good.

  Liane: You need to let them surface and tomorrow you can set them aside forever.

  Me: You’re really sure about this?

  Liane: Yes, you trust me, remember?

  Me: I’m trying to. This is hell.

  Liane: Hell always beckons before the light triumphs.

  I couldn’t argue with that logic. I’d lived that tale over and over.

  Me: I need to sleep.

  Liane: Okay, I’ll stop. Sweeter dreams.

  The sun must have risen earlier that next morning because I barely remember lying in bed before it was glaring into my swollen eyes. I washed my eyes with cold water before stepping into the steaming shower. I dressed with care; not fancy, but in well-fit clothing that I knew Mother would approve of. Although they weren’t expecting me, I knew I had to make a good impression.

  Liane showed up shortly after I poured my coffee and I made a hot tea for her too. It wasn’t too much trouble to stock tea for the Keurig, after all. We sat in silence and watched the trees swaying in the morning breeze. It seemed to give me some courage, as did the tiny hand that was in my palm at the moment. We finished eventually. I sighed and stood up, and we walked out the door and got into my car. We drove the few thousand feet to the drive of Carlos Acres and pulled up before my parents’ house.

  I rang the bell. It didn’t seem right to simply walk in. I was so nervous I thought I would vomit, and if it weren’t for the comforting encouragement from Liane’s hand, I probably would have.

  Mother opened the door, a look of curiosity on her face. “Yes? Can I help you?”

  I stood there for a bit and then raised my sunglasses. Mother still didn’t recognize me. I guess it was the scars.

  “The hotel is right down the road there. Just go about another half mile and you’ll see it on your…” Her eyes widened, and she gasped, her hand moving up to clut
ch at her throat. She swallowed and tears sprang to her eyes. “Ford?”

  I nodded and she just stared at me, her green eyes glinting with unshed tears. She lifted a hand and reached out to touch my chest. “You’re real,” she whispered and I nodded again, stepping away from her touch. Her fingers dangled there, hovering in the air before she brought them to her mouth to stifle a sob.

  Over her shoulder, I saw Father coming down the stairs. His lips tightened and he hurried the rest of the way down. He was by Mother’s side in an instant.

  She looked up at him, then back at me, the first tear streaking down her cheek. “He’s here. My prayers. All the prayers…” She took a step in my direction.

  Flashes of memory came to me then. This woman singing to me. Chasing me in the yard. Playing games. I remembered us eating popcorn while watching endless movies. The time I once painted her toenails and got polish everywhere. Going for rides on the horses. Swimming. Making cookies. The time she squealed when she caught a fish. It was an assault on all of my senses.

  Her smell.

  Her laugh.

  The way she hugged me so tight.

  The way she was hugging me now.

  I looked down at the top of her head, my hands by my side, and became furious at myself. No! This woman sent me away. Had me drugged. Bought the idea that I was crazy. Chose her other children over me.

  Placing my hands on her shoulders, I pushed her back until she was at arm’s length. “Don’t touch me,” I told her and let her go. “You gave up that right long ago.”

  Her face crumpled and Father pulled her to his chest. That’s when I noticed a young woman had approached, standing on the sidelines, looking at me curiously. I knew she had no clue who I was or why her mother was so distraught.

  “Marga, go get Letty and tell her to bring some refreshments.” Father frowned at me. “I’m glad you came. It’s time this game came to an end.”

  Marga just stood there. “Who are you?” she asked.

  Father answered for me. “This is Ford.”

  I nodded, and Marga gasped. “Ford? My brother Ford?”

  “Yes,” I said, and she called out for Mark, who came bounding down the stairs.

  When I saw Mark, it was instant dislike. I saw before me the young man who was where I should have been. Had it not been for him, I would still be the favored son; the one they would have searched for low and high. Instead, I was some sort of foundling, suddenly appeared on the doorstep to be invited into the family. He smiled at me and put out his hand to shake, but I was slow in shaking it. Beside me, Liane was gripping my arm, urging me to behave.

  Mother spoke. “Is it really you? Where have you been? Are you alright? Where’s Bernie? Who is that with you? Are you home for good? Are you safe? Do the police know you’re here?”

  I could tell she’d been accumulating all these questions for some time for they spilled out of her mouth as if she’d asked them a million times.

  “I’m here, and I’m fine,” I began. I looked around for somewhere to sit and Father immediately recognized that we all needed to breathe this out.

  “Let’s go into the family room,” he said and led the way, his arm around my mother’s shoulders.

  The room was very large with vaulted ceilings. From the glance I got, it sat high above the barns and afforded whoever stood there a complete view of the entire operation. Mother had planned this very well. It had her handprint all over it. Father asked Letty to bring us coffee, and I raised my finger and asked for tea for Liane.

  “Before we go any further, I want you all to meet my family.” I put my arm around Liane and hugged her to me. “This is my fiancé, soon to be my wife and my life,” I said, and Liane smiled. “Her name is Liane Coventry, and she is a zoologist. Her father is a vicar, and as soon as she opens her mouth, you’ll understand why they call him that.

  “Pleased to meet you all,” Liane said, and her accent made them nod.

  Father was the only one in possession of his manners at the moment as Mother only stared at me. He introduced everyone to Liane and then the room fell silent.

  “Ford, I want to hear everything,” Mother said, wiping at the tears still spilling down her cheeks.

  “I don’t go by Ford, Mother. It really never was my name. Long story short, I go by Hawk.”

  “The bird you always wanted to be,” she remembered, and her look was wistful as she pictured the boy she’d sent away and compared him to the scarred man with sunglasses who sat across from her so unexpectedly.

  “Bernie is dead, Mother.” She flinched at this and the tears instantly increased. I wish she’d had such compassion for me when she saw my scars, but evidently she had her priorities.

  “What happened?”

  I looked at Marga and Mark with a glance and Mother nodded. “It’s okay.”

  “Bernie went to the wrong part of town for some entertainment and didn’t come home. I found him the next morning and took care of his body. He’s in a river deep in Mexico, although by now he’s probably part of a tree or a fish.”

  I thought about Liane’s remark regarding trees and looked at her, squeezing her hand. She smiled in encouragement.

  “I had no money and no way to pay for my living, as you both know.” I couldn’t do anything but let the sarcasm out like putrid air in an old tire. “I was attacked by a group of boys who thought I had money, and they did this to my face. I was lucky to live through it. That happened while Bernie was still alive and he sewed my face together as best as he could. He wouldn’t get a doctor because he was afraid we’d be found out.”

  Mother piped up, her eyes finally taking on some life. “We can have plastic surgery and make that all better,” she said in a voice that was authoritative, as if she was planning a barbecue.

  Anger burned hot in my chest. “I like my face as it is and Liane loves me the way I am. I’m sorry you don’t. I’m also sorry that I won’t let a surgeon at me just to make me more presentable to your friends.”

  Mother’s hand went up over her mouth as my words sunk in and Father quickly said, “Now, Ford — errr, Hawk, let’s not make this harder than it already is.”

  I nodded and went on. “I managed to get back to the States and spent most of the last decade in California building a business and going to college. As you’re probably now aware, I bought the farm west of here not long ago and moved in.”

  “That was you? The man on the horse Mark kept seeing?” Mother asked. Evidently Father didn’t know she knew for he had a surprised look on his face and looked to Mark.

  “Dad, I had to tell her. When you’re gone, she needs to know if there’s anything dangerous, and he looked dangerous sitting up on that horse, watching us.”

  I took that in the stomach. Me? Dangerous? Well, perhaps I was because I wanted to punch Mark’s perfect white teeth down his throat at that moment.

  “Mark, I hardly think that’s fair. I know you didn’t know who it was but Ford, Hawk, never did anything to indicate he intended you or this family harm. That was your imagination.” Father put him in his place, and Mother nodded, but the act was less than convincing.

  Why was I seeing all their reactions with such a black suspicion? I knew why. I had been picturing this moment for the last decade. Every time I went without, had to sleep on a floor or be approached by a pimp to become a toy, I hated this family, and most particularly the perfect brother. He was the good brother, and I was the trash they’d taken out.

  “When are you getting married?” Mother asked, not as if she cared about Liane, but because she wanted to know whether it would fit into her social calendar.

  “Don’t worry, Mother. You won’t be expected to come. Liane and I will be married privately by her father, and then we’re leaving immediately on an extended honeymoon.”

  “Oh.” Her face was the definition of disappointed.

  On one hand, I knew she was disappointed that she wouldn’t have a chance to reign supreme over her friends with a fabulously extr
avagant wedding. On the other hand, she was probably relieved she wouldn’t have to explain the scar-faced son who had been institutionalized and then wanted by the authorities after murdering his uncle. It would be so much easier, so much cleaner to begin her weddings by creating lavish events for Marga and the perfect Master Mark.

  I stood. “Well, we’ll be going now. I agreed, at Liane’s request, to make myself known and now we’ll be leaving. We have a life to live.”

  “Wait!” Mother’s voice was ragged. “You can’t mean that. You can’t just reappear after all these years and then leave after ten minutes, especially so angry!”

  “Oh, yes, Mother, I can do exactly that. Goodbye.” With that, I took Liane’s hand and left the house, putting her in the car and sliding into the driver’s seat. We drove through the development, and I had a good look at all that I wouldn’t be inheriting. We circled about and left the development, and I could see Mother standing on the porch of their white farmhouse, dabbing at her face with a tissue. I wasn’t sure I’d ever see her again. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to see her again.

  I got onto the expressway and headed south.

  “Where are we going?” Liane asked.

  “One parent down, one to go,” I said, and she was about to protest, but thought better of it and let me drive. She gave me directions once we got into town and soon we were pulling up before an old, stone church and its rectory that stood to the rear, next to the cemetery. It was obvious by the exterior and stone construction that the building was very, very old. It probably pre-dated the Civil War, and I noticed there were some Confederate white headstones in the corner of the small cemetery.

  Liane let herself out of the car and came around to take my hand. She led me to the door of the rectory and opened it. “Dad?” she called out, and a stooped old man with white hair came through the doorway and into the small, eclectic parlor. I’d seen him several times from the back of the church, but up close, his presence created an enormous impact. It was as though I’d stepped back in time. He looked every bit the fabled British vicar and the leather-bound books and leather wing-back chairs could have been straight out of a black and white movie.