The List

by Alice Ward

  Her words struck me hard in their logic. She was absolutely right. The LaViere family had been driven by money, generation after generation, and at what price? They had enough to eat, a bed to sleep in and you could only sit in one chair at a time. Their problem was they had too much money and not enough soul to handle it. But then, there I was, generalizing once again. I was blaming the LaViere bloodline for things that ran in my own veins just as strong.

  “What you and Hawk do is up to the both of you, Liane.” I was beginning to like this young thing. She was nothing like me, and I found that intriguing. If anything, she was better organized in her life than I was, and I had to admire that. She wasn’t working with the label system I had always used: name, family, social standing, money, and eligibility.

  “I know you’re not used to having people with my background around you,” she was saying, and it was almost as if she could read my mind. “Let’s just say, my family has chosen a quiet non-existence over prominence, and that has worked very well for us.”

  “You’re making me out to be a snob, Liane.”

  “Not at all, Auggie. I just wanted you to know that I understand the difference in our backgrounds and that I intend to do everything in my power to make your son a good wife. I won’t be offended if you don’t want to include me in your social gatherings — just so long as Hawk is. He belongs with his family and someday, perhaps, we’ll have our own. But until then, he needs your acceptance and inclusion. He feels very rejected.”

  I was quiet and then whispered, “I know. I felt it. I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened and spiraled out of control. I love him very much.”

  Liane patted my hand. “I know you do, but he needs to feel it too, and you need to be less conflicted about it. You love him and are scared of him. You want him but are afraid of him. You feel guilt and shame, which overshadows the love. He bought that place next door so he could be close, but it was like looking through the bakery window.”

  “What changed his mind? Why did he finally come to us?” I asked.

  “You might say I made it a condition.” She smiled. “Not that he wouldn’t have on his own, but it might have taken a long time. By then his brother and sister may have been at a college or on their own, and he’d never get the chance to experience family again.”

  I nodded, seeing her logic. “Thank you, Liane. You’re not even in the family yet, and you’ve already done a great deal to heal some wounds. You’re welcomed to be one of us, although you may not think that’s such a treat!” I smirked at my joke.

  “I will be happy to be a part of your family, and I welcome you into mine, as well. Although it’s only my dad and me.”

  “Your mother?”

  “She’s gone now. Cancer.”

  “No siblings?”

  “Just me.”

  “Your dad?”

  “He’s a vicar, well, you would call him a minister, of a small church downtown. It’s his life, and I believe he sometimes feels as though he’s still in England. It’s a quaint building, and he lives in the vicarage behind. He tends to his flock, and they keep him on.”

  “And you?”

  “Me? Well, I got my degree and took care of my mother until she passed. I volunteer at the YMCA on the west end. That’s where Hawk and I first met. I’m also a zoologist and work at the Louisville Zoo.”

  “Really? That’s fascinating. So, you like animals?”

  Liane nodded. “Animals, fish, birds, plants — all of it. It’s been said that I have a way with living creatures.”

  I grinned and nodded. “I think they’re right.” I found myself really glad that Liane was joining the family. I hugged her before she left. Soon, I was feeling much better and had rejoined the living by going down to the barn.

  Worth

  I saw Auggie headed toward the barns and it made me feel much better. I’d seen Liane leaving as I drove in and waved at her, even though to me she was pretty much still a total stranger.

  Following Auggie, I caught up to her at the horse therapy pool. She was trying to lead a new boarder into the water and it wasn’t being very cooperative. I frowned. She shouldn’t be doing that. I motioned to one of the hands to take over, and Auggie looked surprised, then angry as she handed over the reins.

  “What’s the matter? Think I don’t have it anymore?” she asked me as she approached, her mouth set in a thin line. “Think you can just order someone else to do my job in my barn?”

  Shit. I’d fucked up again.

  “I know you can do anything you want to do, but you’ve been out of the rhythm for a bit. Let Lily do her job. You’re only the boss now.”

  “Only? Really? So I should go eat bon bons like a good little wife and not do any of the things I love?” Auggie’s temper flashed, and I stepped back a bit.

  “Auggie…” I warned with a low growl. “That’s not what I meant. You’re letting this whole thing get to you. C’mon up to the house with me and let’s talk.”

  “I’ll be up when I’m ready.”

  While this raised my brows, I could tell little more was going to be accomplished here without riling her further, so I turned around and went up to the house. Eventually, Auggie showed up, and I was waiting for her on the patio.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Why does anything have to be going on?”

  “C’mon, Auggie, it’s not like you to be like this. Out with it.”

  She sat down and looked out over the horizon. “Liane came by to see me today,” she said, her voice as far away as the view she was looking upon.

  “Yes, I saw her pulling out as I came in. Seems a bit meek, if you ask me.”

  “Meek?” She practically snarled in my direction. “Well, Mr. LaViere, what you see as meek is actually nice in normal people terms.”

  “Woah, Auggie! Where is this coming from?”

  She kicked the concrete with her boot. “Damn, I’m just tired of all this LaViere quarreling, Worth. Do you realize that in all the time I’ve known you, there’s always one LaViere or another mad or getting revenge against another? Don’t you people ever just settle back and appreciate each other?”

  I decided to let her wear herself out with this. It wasn’t as if I had a very good argument, anyway. She was factually correct although I don’t think she totally understood the dynamics of why we fought. It was more about control and domination than anything else. It obliterated anything that came close to love. That’s when the realization hit me...

  We don’t know how to love. Jesus! Why didn’t that become apparent to me before?

  I was a highly educated psychologist, and yet this innate disability had never occurred to me. Perhaps it was because of my training that I’d never acknowledged it? This gave me pause for thought while Auggie and I both sat quietly in contemplation.

  Finally, I broke it. “So, just exactly what are you saying?”

  “I’d like you to hear me out, Worth.”

  I kicked off my shoes and settled back. “Go ahead.”

  “From the first day I met you, all those years ago when Mother sent me to your clinic to be “analyzed,” I’ve always thought there was something intrinsically wrong with me. Perhaps it was my mother’s influence or perhaps just because I was rebelling. It didn’t matter. Where she left off, you picked up, pushing my buttons and causing me to react in whatever manner best suited your opinion of how I should feel about things.”

  I picked up on the word “causing” and the blame she laid at other’s feet. But I didn’t interrupt. I stayed quiet. Tried to be a husband, not a psychologist.

  “When I thought things were wrong between you and your father, I couldn’t say a word. I had to support you. When I thought you handled things badly with Linc, even though he was my brother as much as yours, his name was LaViere, so that made him hands off. Then when Ford was no longer a little boy and his temper began to exhibit itself, I backed off and let you handle it. I figured you were the shrink, the expert, so what
did I know? What I didn’t take into consideration was that I had perspective that was unique. I was, next to you, the most involved person and yet I relinquished my power, my judgement, in favor of yours. That was wrong. Wrong of me to allow it and wrong of you to take it.”

  “Auggie, I had no idea—”

  She lifted a finger. “You said you would hear me out.”

  I nodded and swept my hand out in permission.

  “So, here we are. We’ve not been with our eldest son for the majority of his life, and he hates us for it. He doesn’t feel included; thinks we don’t love him. Liane told me as much today. I do love him. But you know what? I’m not sure you do.”

  I jerked upright at this accusation but kept my peace. What could I say? I’d just been thinking the same thing only moments ago.

  She knew she’d stabbed me but continued on. “Your entire family have all been more focused on competing with one another than you have loving one another. You call yourself a therapist, but I think this is one of those occasions where they say, ‘physician heal thyself.’ You can’t sit there and tell me you did everything you could have for our son. You could have gone to Mexico at some point and made sure everything was okay. You’ve got connections, why didn’t you use them? God knows you have money, yet our own flesh and blood was living in a place where he got beat up and maimed because he was white and looked prosperous, although he didn’t have a dollar he could call his own in his pocket. You call that looking out for your child?”

  I opened my mouth, but she held that finger up again, her green eyes daring me to interrupt. I sat back and took a deep breath.

  “I know I’m just as guilty as you are. The only difference is that I’m accepting the blame now, and I’m determined to make this better. I’m admitting I screwed up, that I’m fallible and selfish, and I looked for the clean, easy way out of that mess. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. And why? To protect him? Hardly. You could have had him moved to a private facility where he wouldn’t have had to deal with the general population.”

  I could hold my tongue no longer. “I put him where I thought he needed to be, Auggie. He was out of control. He needed to understand that behavior like that has consequences.”

  “So, you sent a child to Mexico? Oh, yeah, that was teaching him. You took a young boy who was drugged out of his mind by your doctor friends and put him in the middle of squalor in a country where he couldn’t even speak the language. And who did you put in charge of his welfare? A kind, gentle man with no more street smarts than Hawk! Surely to god even you aren’t so shallow that you can’t see that?”

  I looked away. Too much of what she was saying was hitting the mark.

  “I was culpable too. I let you do it. But, no… I was a LaViere by marriage only. I didn’t exercise my right as his own mother. Sure, I hid behind the twins. I did it. And look at the good I’ve done for them. Do you think they don’t have your blood? Or mine from my mother? You don’t think we’ve only seen the beginning of what they are destined to become?”

  I shifted in my chair and frowned darkly.

  “Worth, this is coming to an end. Today. We have three children, not two. Even though one is a grown man, he needs us just as much. Even more, perhaps. I’m done making excuses and covering up the lies. From all appearances, Hawk has grown up to be a fine man. Judging by that young lady who left here a short time ago, she holds him in pretty high regard, and she seems to know what she’s talking about. Hawk doesn’t feel like he’s one of us and that’s going to change as of now!”

  “Are you done?”

  She looked surprised. “You always want the last word, don’t you?”

  I said nothing, just stared at her for long moments. Then simply stood up, walked out of the house, and drove away.

  ***

  A week had passed with that same cold bitterness between us, but we had to be civil for the children’s sake. The twins were ready for their drivers’ licenses. Auggie and I, despite our argument, had cooperated with one another on this point. I drove them to the DMV office and signed for them each to get a permit. I knew this was going to be the beginning of the end. As soon as they had licenses, they’d be out of my reach. I wasn’t worried about Mark. Marga was the problem child. She was headstrong like her mother and ran with a fairly fast crowd.

  “I think we should buy them a tank to learn in,” Auggie commented when we got home.

  “Mom!” protested Marga. “You’re such a worry wart. Don’t you trust me?”

  Auggie looked disgruntled, and I knew she didn’t like confrontations, particularly now that she was on a quest to unite the family. “I’m buying you a tank because I don’t trust the other people on the road.” Marga, although not convinced, was satisfied enough to let it go at that.

  “When can we go for a drive?” she begged.

  “Talk to your father in that department. I handle the horses; he handles the cars.”

  I’d bought a slightly used Volvo station wagon as a learning car. I understood they had the best safety rating, and while they were in training, the two would share it. An adult had to be on board, regardless. “Let’s go,” I said, and they yipped, running out to the car.

  They tossed a coin and Mark won. He climbed behind the wheel, and Marga took the back seat. As I climbed in, I watched Mark go through the slow and a methodical check-off as though he was getting ready to fly a passenger airliner. He carefully adjusted his mirrors, fiddling forever with the side mirrors. His seat went forward, it went back. It rotated upward and then backward again. He looked at the gas gauge and checked his mirrors again.

  “Enough already, Mark! We’ll never leave to drive at this pace.”

  He flushed and jammed the key into the ignition, rotating it. He didn’t release immediately, and the vehicle starter chattered. “Let go as soon as you hear it catch,” I told him and knew immediately I was not the right person to conduct driver’s training. I just didn’t have the patience for it.

  Mark finally got everything going and then counted the positions on the gear shift before finding “drive” and beginning to move forward. “Keep your foot on the brake until you’re in gear and ready to move!” I barked, exasperated. His hand was shaking by now, and I knew we were doomed as a team. I stole a glance at Marga in the rear seat and saw a look of triumphant satisfaction on her face. I figured she’d been practicing out on some country road with an older friend. She was wild enough to attempt it. I didn’t blame her; I’d done it too.

  Mark finally started moving forward with a jerky gas pedal, and I told him to stay in the complex for this first time around. He didn’t argue, and I realized he was a very indecisive driver. Eventually, he got the hang of the brake versus the gas pedal, and the result was much smoother. A buzzer went off in the back seat, and Marga shouted, “My turn! Time’s up!” She had evidently set the alarm on her phone. Mark reluctantly pulled over and gave up his controls, swapping seats with her.

  Marga, by comparison, whipped the seatbelt on and adjusted the mirrors in one smooth move. The ignition clicked on, and she was already looking over her shoulder and pulling onto the road before I knew what was happening. It was definitely the result of having done this before. She was a fast learner, but what I was seeing were practiced moves.

  “Marga, slow down!” I barked as she took the curves in the development like an Indy track. She laughed wildly and squealed the tires through the next one. “Pull over!” I ordered her and even though she pouted, she did as I asked. “That’s enough of that, young lady,” I chided. “I know you think you’re smarter and much further ahead than your brother, but you need to exercise a little common sense. Somehow I don’t think this is the first time you’ve driven.”

  She just grinned at me. How could I resist that contagious smile? “Alright, now pull back onto the road but this time, keep the speed down below twenty and drive like a little old lady coming home from church.”

  She rolled her eyes but obliged. She knew she had to go
along with my orders for now, but once she was on her own, look out.

  When we finally pulled back up to the house, I got out and walked straight down to the barn. I turned to Carter, one of the senior hands. “You had any driving tickets or accidents in the last ten years?”

  He looked surprised. “No, sir.”

  “Good. Your new job is teaching my children to drive. I don’t have the patience.” I stalked off, leaving Carter looking after me with amazement. It was considered an act of great trust and importance to be assigned to look after one of the LaViere children. He swaggered a bit the rest of the afternoon and by the next day could be spotted with a driver’s manual in his hand. He was cramming. That was fine. He was taking his responsibilities very seriously.

  The next day was Sunday so the family was at home. Lily and Auggie were in the kitchen finishing a cup as they discussed the upcoming week. In the distance, I heard car doors slam, and a moment later, there was a tap at the front door. Before I could stand from my chair, it opened, and Hawk walked in with Liane close behind him.

  “Anyone home?” he called out, not seeing me sitting behind one of Auggie’s damn trees.

  “Hello, Hawk,” I said. “Come in, both of you and sit down.” Mark was coming down the stairs, and I motioned him over. “Sit down and visit.”

  Mark’s mouth opened in protest, but he quickly closed it and dutifully took his seat.

  Auggie flew into the room and quickly introduced Lily to Hawk and Liane, her fingers twisting in front of her. Lily, sensing this was a family moment, took her leave.

  Attempting to have some sort of normal family conversation, I blurted, “Well, it seems we have two student drivers in the house.” Right on cue, Marga came through the front door.

  She stood a moment, looking at the gathering and then walked into the next room.

  “Marga?” I called to her.

  “Yeah?” She came back and looked at me, her head tilted in that cocky teenage way I despised.

  “Don’t you think you could at least say hello?”

  “Yeah, hi,” she said quickly and left again.