The List

by Alice Ward

  Tears burned the back of my eyes, but I battled them back. “Worth, women have a different kind of strength than men do.”

  “I know that.”

  I smiled. “Yes, I know academically you know that, but since you’ve never been a woman, you really don’t know what it feels like. Anyway, there’s something in my core that keeps me going no matter what. But that doesn’t mean that I’m independent. I’m lonely for you. I need your hugs. I need your reassurances that everything will be okay.”

  “It will be okay, honey.”

  “We don’t know that at all. Life changes course so quickly, but we also know that there’s so much more ahead we haven’t seen yet. I don’t want to miss it. I want you there with me, fully aware and supportive. I don’t know how I could get through it if I thought you weren’t going to be there.”

  “I’ll always be here, Auggie. You don’t need to worry about that.”

  I bit my lip. “There’s something else I’ve been thinking about.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I want to retire.”

  His eyes grew wide. “Retire?”

  “Yes. The farm is starting to be too much. Mark will begin home schooling soon, but we don’t yet know when he’ll graduate or what he will want to do after that. Marga is off to college next year, and I heard her mention to a friend that she’d like to study in France.”

  “France?”

  “I know… I know… probably one of her whims, but actually it wouldn’t be a bad idea for her to go abroad for a year just to know what the world is like outside of Kentucky. Would look better on her resume too.” I smiled. “Believe me, she can use help with her resume. You’ll probably have to buy her way into a school. But, the fact remains that I’m starting to feel that I’d like to do something else for a change.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like nothing, like be with you. With our children. Maybe, when Mark is better even travel a bit?”

  Worth nodded. “Have been thinking the same thing myself, actually. Ever since I saw those pictures from Hawk and Liane’s honeymoon.”

  I held my breath. That was the first time he’d mentioned that day, and he’d actually used Hawk’s name without contempt. I could hardly believe my ears. “See? I would too. I’ve always wanted to see the British Isles. Liane makes them sound so charming. I’d like to visit New Zealand and Australia and perhaps a bit of Germany and France. Maybe we could take everyone after the baby is born, and then get Margo settled in France when she’s ready.”

  He was sitting forward in his chair. I could tell the idea intrigued him. It represented a new sort of life for him. We both needed that so badly, especially now. We needed family.

  “What about the farm?” he asked.

  “Well, that’s the other part of what I was thinking about. You know Lily and Brandon are getting married, right?” He nodded. “Obviously, they’re going to be intent on making a family and Lily won’t be staying on as farm manager. That means it will all be back in my lap. I don’t want all that responsibility. I’m worn out with it.”

  “So, what do you want to do?” He was genuinely interested, judging by his tone. I heard the difference in his voice. He was mentally invested in my plans. That hadn’t happened before.

  “I’m not completely sure yet. We could sell it, or I could simply hire a new manager to replace Lily when that time comes.” I looked at him through my lashes. “What do you think?”

  “I have a better idea.”

  I held my breath, letting him continue. I looked at him with anticipation on my face, letting him believe that I’d not thought any further. It was important that he be leading this party.

  “Give it to Hawk.”

  “Hawk?” I almost jumped up from my seat in joy. Now he was in the position of advocate for the very person I’d wanted to give it to anyway.

  “Well, why not? He can handle the farm, he’s next door and building a new house. He can look over all this land and run it as easily as his place alone. He’s having a child, and that child should be able to know he or she comes from something that was built with family blood and sweat. Maybe deed him everything but this house and a hundred or so acres for our personal use. That way we’ll still be close enough for you to bounce your grandchild on your lap.”

  “Worth, what a wonderful idea! I love it.” I praised him, really, authentically praised him. I’d hoped for this outcome but hadn’t really believed it would occur. At that moment, I realized that when it came to adulation, his professional side shut down. He was not the least bit suspicious. I’d used Ben’s advice and ended up precisely where I wanted to be. Just by being the loving wife he needed.

  “How about your clinic? Do you think you might want to retire?”

  “I’ll have to give that some thought. I could let Deborah run this one, but I don’t think I’m ready to retire completely. A little too young for that.”

  “True. Maybe we’ll take some time off and stumble across something entirely new that the two of us can do together. Or all of us as a family. You never know.”

  “No, you never know.”

  Letty’s announcement that dinner was ready couldn’t have come at a better time. “I think we’ll eat on the patio, Letty.”

  In typical Letty style, she responded, “Well, I’m not carrying everything out there after I’ve set the table in here. Get your plate, fill it up and eat wherever you want, I don’t care.” I really loved her sass. It was like having a mother in the house.

  Worth was quite cheerful that evening. We played a few hands of cribbage, and he talked about places we could visit that would be handicap and baby accessible. He seemed as if a bit of life had been restored. I would have to give Ben an extra hug the next time I saw him. I couldn’t believe the answer had been there all the time, right in my control, and I hadn’t seen it. I was a better supporter to the horses I raised than to my own family.

  I decided not to say anything to Hawk about giving them the farm. I would leave that up to Worth, let him make it his idea and do it in his own good time. It would be better that way. I would however, ask him not to say anything until after Lily’s wedding. I didn’t want her to think I was pushing her out. I knew that at some point in the interim, she would be coming to me with her resignation. It would be easier on both of us if we knew she wasn’t letting me down.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

  Worth

  Guilt was like a needle under my skin, pricking me constantly, taking over my entire life.

  I’d failed my family – completely, totally, miserably. And I didn’t know how to make it right.

  So I threw myself into work, as always. I was also throwing myself into the bottle more and more. It was my bed fellow. My only chance of a good night’s sleep. My only source of oblivion.

  Until this week.

  It had been eight days since Auggie broached the subject of selling the farm and I’d given it a great deal of thought since our discussion. I broke down and called Brandon, asking him to begin the process of splitting up the land and deeding it to Hawk. I hadn’t decided when to offer it to him. Perhaps in December for Christmas or January in honor of the new baby. Or maybe just on a random Thursday, so it didn’t look so much like a gift.

  I shook my head. I was overthinking it. Overthinking everything.

  The therapy pool and spa area would be completed tomorrow and I was ready to bring our son home the day following that. I couldn’t believe how much better he was doing. Taking a few steps on his own. His speech becoming clearer. A smile replacing the pained look on his face.

  “I’m so proud of you,” I told him at my last visit. “You’re a hell of a lot tougher than any LaViere man before you.”

  He’d laughed and took another step with his walker. “Yeah, right. I’m practically Mario Andretti here.”

  Clapping him on his back, I went on, “It’s not about speed. Hell, it’s not even about surviving a crash like you did. It’s inner strength, son. It
’s about laughing like you just did, even when you’re in pain. It’s about caring for others, giving second chances. That takes strength. More strength than I’ve ever had.”

  He stopped and turned toward me, looking me in the eye. “It’s not too late, Dad. It’s only too late when you’re six feet under.”

  Yet, here I was. Scared to death of fucking another thing up.

  Things were looking brighter, at least there were momentary sparks of possibilities. Except for one area in my life… Hawk.

  He still scowled at me each time we ran into each other, his face growing red, his shoulders tense. I’d say hello and he’d turn away, muttering things I couldn’t quite hear. That was probably for the best.

  Once, Liane had taken me by the arm and pulled me aside. “Give him time, Worth. He’s still working through everything. But he’ll get there, I know he will.”

  I’d nodded and she’d raised to her tiptoes to give me a kiss on the cheek. I’d damn near collapsed into tears.

  I went to bed that night feeling brighter, more hopeful. The feeling instantly increased when I noticed Auggie waiting for me when I came out of the bathroom. She was wearing nothing but lace panties. She held out her arms, and I fell into them. “There. That better?” she whispered as she pressed her fingers into my temples. I closed my eyes, losing myself into her touch.

  She kissed my nose and I laughed, pulling her tighter to me and inhaling the sweet fragrance of her skin. She kissed the place behind my ear that seemed to have a direct link to my dick.

  “I love you, Auggie,” I said, looking down into her glorious green eyes. “Thank you for not giving up on me. Or us.” Damn it. I had to choke down the emotion. “Any of us.”

  In response, she pulled my head down until our lips touched, sealing us together. I deepened the kiss and she moaned against my tongue.

  “I need you so much,” she said and smiled before scooting backwards off my lap and moving to the floor between my legs. Reaching for the waistband of my pants, our eyes met. “I need us.”

  “My green eyed temptress,” I said before lifting my hips to help her pull them down. “I need us too.”

  I hissed as her mouth closed around me. Hot and wet. Sliding down my aching cock. I closed my eyes but opened them again, not wanting to miss a thing.

  She took me into her throat, gagging a little before swallowing more. Good. It was so damn good. Her fist around the base. Her lips. Her tongue. The tips of her hair on my legs, the feathery softness of their touch. This was my Auggie. This was us.

  I could come now. Come so hard into her mouth. But I closed my eyes, forcing myself away from the edge. It’d been so long, though. So damn long and my control was slipping by degrees.

  “Baby, you’ve got to stop.”

  Grabbing a fistful of hair, I pulled until her mouth released me and that cat like smirk appeared on her lips. “I don’t want to stop,” she purred and my cock pulsed in response.

  She smiled and stood up, pushing her panties down her legs. I watched her face come closer as she straddled me, her mouth finding mine again.

  Pushing her thighs apart, I watched her head fall back as my fingers found her center. She was wet. Of course, she was wet. She was always wet for me. And so warm. So willing. So responsive. She pressed harder onto my fingers, and I let her set the rhythm, twisting my hand until my knuckles found that sensitive place. She moaned, riding my hand harder and faster. When my thumb found her clit, her body rocked with a powerful orgasm.

  Even while she still trembled, I tossed her backwards onto the bed. She gasped as I pushed her thighs apart. Then I was there, blowing cool air on her pussy, watching her back arch in response, wanting more. I gave it to her, lowering my head to feast.

  She went crazy, clamping those strong thighs around my head, her fingers grasping my hair as I took my time licking up her slit. She whimpered when I sucked those juicy lips into my mouth. Finding her clit with my thumb, I pushed down on the bundle of nerves and held her still while she bucked. I remembered this. Remembered that my wife was a hellion in bed.

  Sinking two fingers into her, I pulled her clit into my mouth while I circled her tight walls. I was so hard. So ready it was painful, but I clamped down on my own need. I wanted her to come in my mouth.

  I turned my fingers, stroking her, pushing her, cursing as she pulled harder at my hair, her nails raking down my scalp and into my shoulders. I bit into her clit, circling it with my tongue as I worked her with my fingers.

  She was panting. Almost screaming as she came, her thighs twisting, body bucking. Crying with her hands over her face.

  I licked her juices, soothing her, stroking her until she breathed out that soft, amazed laugh I so loved. Then I climbed up her body to take her mouth with mine, forcing her to taste herself.

  Surprising me, she turned us until she was lying on top, her tongue still in my mouth. She rose up and smiled down at me. “I’m going to fuck you so hard.”

  Her eyes. Those beautiful green eyes dilated as she leaned down once again to take my lips. Open. Wet. Her tongue searched for mine as she ground her sex into my stomach.

  I grasped my cock, straightened it, waiting for her. She slid down and moaned into my mouth as we connected. I fought for control as she impaled herself on me, pushing down until I’d reached the very end of her.

  So good. An exact fit. We always had been.

  She began to move and I gripped her hips, watching her breasts sway with the rhythm. Her head thrown back as she rocked on me faster and faster.

  I sat up, until we were face to face and she cried out as her clit brushed my abs on her downward thrust. “That’s right, baby. Use me. Make yourself come.”

  Her eyes met mine, her breath warm against my face. “Oh,” she whispered as I squeezed her hips, lifting her and bringing her down hard. “Please.” I brought her down again harder and she moaned, her eyelids fluttering closed.

  “Look at me,” I demanded and she immediately did as she was told. “I love you.”

  Her eyes softened, the green growing wet as she leaned forward to kiss me again. “I love you too. So much. So very much.”

  Flipping her once again to her back, I plunged hard and she gasped. “Hold on,” I said against her ear. “This isn’t going to be gentle.”

  I thrust again. Deep and hard, feeling her body jolt beneath me. Her mouth seized mine, her fingernails scraping down my back to grab my ass. I relished the pain. The aliveness. The feelings.

  Plunging into her body. Over and over. Harder and faster. Listening to our bodies merge and slap together, the sounds echoing around the room. Her body grew tighter as she fought for release. Tighter, clamping down on me. I didn’t want this to end, but… I exploded.

  The vision of her face grew white around the edges as I was rocked by one of the most powerful orgasms of my life. My breath was harsh and my arms turned to jelly as I sank all of my weight into her willing arms.

  She was crying, her entire body trembling as I rolled us to our sides, our bodies still connected. I kissed her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, her mouth. I tasted her salty tears, breathed her scent.

  “You are my heart,” she said against my lips. “No matter what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future, I wouldn’t give anything up.”

  In that moment, I vowed never to turn away from her again, to not fall into the darkness of isolation. To stay by her side even when my brain screamed for me to run. We were better together than we were apart. Stronger.

  As her breathing slowed, I told her, “I promise to be a better man.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

  Auggie

  The day of Lily and Brandon’s wedding could not have been more perfect for a late fall ceremony. Just where Lily had chosen, in a flat spot in the high pasture, she had ordered erected a massive white tent filled with chairs. Guests parked down below in the normal parking areas and were ferried up the hill in golf carts festooned in white ribbons. Lily had little
family so it was mostly Brandon’s family and business acquaintances in attendance. It was being whispered that he may be seeking a state congressional seat, and this provided the perfect opportunity for him to begin his campaign connections. Finally, all the LaViere family was in attendance and happily so. Mostly.

  Liane was pleasantly large with child, and we now knew it was a little boy. Hawk was at her side constantly — the weight of the baby made her rather ungainly with her thin frame. Hawk was wearing a tux as he’d been asked to stand up with Brandon. I was surprised at this but realized that Brandon thought Hawk would be a better choice than Worth. He would be paying me homage without creating discomfort, and I appreciated the gesture. He and Brandon had become friends, regardless, so the invitation had not been too unlikely.

  A newly rejuvenated Worth looked equally handsome in a dark suit with a white shirt against his tanned skin. If anything, he was more handsome than the day I’d first met him, years before in his office. I smiled at the memory of him being my very temporary psychologist, treating me at my mother’s request. Indeed, he’d been manipulating me like a spider, and I eventually found myself caught up in his web. Life with Worth would never cease to be a challenge — of that much I was certain.

  The ceremony started promptly at one o’clock, and the bride was breathtaking. Lily was a beautiful woman, and when she began her short trip down the aisle, there wasn’t an unappreciative eye to be found. Her hair was caught up high upon her head and fitted with a slender tiara that held her veil. Her dress was layers upon layers of ruffled satin, off the shoulder and with a deep V in the back that stopped just short of being indecent. She walked with such grace you might think she’d had royal training.

  Brandon was beaming from ear to ear, looking equally dapper in a black tuxedo with a white orchid lapel corsage. His hands were crossed as he watched her procession and then he reached for her as she drew near. Lily had one maid of honor; a friend she’d made since moving to Kentucky.

  Ben officiated the wedding before roughly a hundred guests. After the ceremony, the chairs were moved back and tables brought in for the wedding banquet. Guests milled around, drinking champagne and discussing the harvest or the winter to come. Brandon’s acquaintances surrounded him, encouraging him to announce his candidacy soon, but he waved them aside and said that this was Lily’s day, and they would discuss it later.