Discovering Us (True Love Trilogy)

by Harper Bentley

  “Get in here, Ellen!” Mrs. Jensen cooed. “You’re one of us, you know.” Her smile made me smile. She had to be one of the nicest people I’d ever known.

  So I stood there by Mrs. Jensen smiling like a fool wondering if the description in the picture would say, “Back row: Royce Jensen, father, Mary Jensen, mother, Ellen Love, hapless high school girlfriend who’ll soon be dumped when Jagger Jensen goes off to college and discovers all the hot babes that await him in South Carolina.” Great.

  The day before Jag was to leave for college, we went to Tyler Callihan’s official End of Summer Party. His family owned a private beach on Lake Michigan, so during the day we swam and then Tyler and a couple guys had taken some of us out on their family’s boats. It was now evening, there was a bonfire blazing and the beer was flowing like crazy. Most of the senior class was there since it’d probably be the last time they’d be together for some time.

  Jag and I had been hanging with Rebecca and Ross. We both wore hoodies over our swimsuits since it was always a little chilly on the lake at night, but I’d gotten too cold so we’d walked up to the house so I could get my yoga pants. Before going in the house, Jag pulled me around to the side of it for an impromptu make-out session where he pressed me against the house with his body as his lips covered mine. Wow. I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of his kisses.

  “God, El, you don’t know what you do to me,” he rasped in my ear after we’d kissed for a while.

  I think I figured out pretty well what I did to him if what I felt against my stomach was any indication. We continued kissing as his hands slipped under my hoodie to the back to untie my bikini top at the bottom then they slid around to the front where he cupped my breasts and ran his thumbs over my nipples making me moan into his mouth.

  “Jag… please…” I whispered as my fingers dug into his back under his hoodie.

  Okay. I’d had enough. We’d had several hot and heavy stints that’d left me wanting him so badly I could hardly stand it. But Mr. Ultimate Gentleman always held back. Well, that was going to change tonight. I reached a hand around and down, stroking him over his swim trunks, eliciting a groan from his throat. He then placed his hand over mine, which was my “signal” to stop. Nope. Not happening this time. Still kissing him, I did something I’d never done before. I pulled my hand from his then found his waistband and plunged my hand inside his swim trunks, finding his shaft and grasping it firmly, moving it up and down his length. His head fell back on his shoulders as a growl rumbled from deep inside his chest. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

  “El…”

  “Jag, let me make you feel good,” I whispered.

  Guess my speaking wasn’t a wise choice. It was as if hearing it woke him up suddenly. His head came forward, his eyes focusing on mine, and a grimace appeared on his face as he reached inside his trunks grabbing my hand and pulling it away from him and out as he hissed, “Stop!”

  Now I was pissed. I didn’t understand. He’d had sex before, so why wouldn’t he with me? “God! What’s your problem, Jag? I’m all but throwing my fucking self at you but you want nothing to do with me!”

  “You don’t get it,” he said quietly, trying not to draw attention to us.

  No, I really didn’t. “That’s for damned sure! I guess I’m just not good enough for you, is that it, Jag? Oh, you can fuck all those other girls. But me?” I huffed out a sarcastic chuckle. “When it comes to me, no way!”

  I wasn’t deaf. It wasn’t like I hadn’t heard kids at school talking about who he’d been with, and there’d been several. Rebecca had even told me some of the locker room talk that Ross had let her in on. So why didn’t Jag want me? I stood looking at him, hands on my hips waiting to see what he had to say.

  He let out a frustrated breath and pushed that shock of dark hair out of his face. “Babe, it’s just that you’re, well, you’re special.”

  I laughed at him then, shaking my head at how ridiculous he sounded, reaching my hands back to re-tie my bikini top. When his hands went to my shoulders, I moved my hands back around to his chest and shoved. He didn’t budge which just pissed me off even more. “No, Jag. I’m tired of this. If you don’t want me, then I don’t see the point.” I turned and walked back toward the bonfire, grabbing a beer from Nick Thomas on my way, not bothering to look back at Jag. Down by the lake, I looked around for Rebecca but she wasn’t anywhere to be found. Damn it. I needed my best friend! I texted her and she responded that she and Ross were busy, so I let it go. They’d actually done the deed on Prom night and had been going at it steadily ever since. Whatever.

  After an hour of hanging out with different people, Nick Thomas in particular who kept the beer coming, and watching Blair Adams, a girl Jag had dated and, according to my sources, slept with, and her current boyfriend, Josh Martin break up right in front of God and everyone, I realized I’d been a complete and utter tool for what I’d said to Jag. I needed to find him and apologize. I told Nick I’d be back then moving through the crowd, I asked around but no one had seen Jag. I made my way up to the house, a bit tipsy from all the beer that Nick had kept supplying me with. Inside, no one had seen Jag either, so I went out front to see if his Camaro was still there, which it was, so I went back inside to find him.

  Still not seeing him, I went upstairs to use the restroom. When I finished, I decided to get my yoga pants because I was so freaking cold from being down by the beach for the past hour. Jag had put our bags in one of the bedrooms, so I went to the first one but the door was locked. The second room was empty, so I moved to the last. The door was cracked and I peeked in, and there sat Jag on the bed with his back to me, his arm around Blair Adams’ shoulders, hers around his waist.

  I froze and my heart leaped into my throat almost choking me. What the hell? When Blair leaned over and kissed him, I unfroze and literally charged into the room.

  “What the fuck?” I shrieked.

  I’d never seen two people jump up so fast in my life.

  “El!” Was that guilt all over Jag’s face? Oh God.

  I was proud of myself for not bursting into tears. Instead, I huffed as I nodded slowly. “I see.” It was all I could say. And it all became so clear just then. It wasn’t that Jag didn’t want to sleep with me because I was special. It was because he’d wanted Blair all along. And now that she and Josh had broken up, Jag hadn’t wasted any time moving in to claim her back. I turned and ran from the room as he yelled after me, flying down the stairs and looking around for someone, anyone, to get me the fuck out of there. Pushing through the crowd, I saw Nick Thomas, so Nick it was.

  “I need to go now!” I hissed, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him to the front door with me.

  “I’m on it!” he said, digging his keys from his shorts pocket while I pulled him out the door.

  “El, wait!” Jag yelled, coming after us.

  I knew it’d take some time for him to get through everyone as big as he was, but I wasn’t taking any chances as I told Nick to hurry. We got to his car, and I jumped inside locking the door. After Nick got in and started the car, Jag ran up to my window putting his hands on the glass.

  “El, get out!” he yelled, but I just stared straight ahead ignoring him. “El!”

  “Go!” I told Nick and we took off. There was a loud sound, so I assumed Jag had hit the trunk with his fists as we drove off.

  “What the fuck?” Nick spat. “This is a goddamned Lexus, for Christ’s sake! Fucker better not have dented it!”

  “I’ll pay for it if there are any damages. God,” I clipped out. Jeez. Guys and their cars.

  We drove in silence for a few minutes before Nick broke it. “So what happened with you two?”

  I really didn’t want to get into it, but I was pissed so I told him anyway. “I caught him in a bedroom with Blair Adams.”

  He nodded as if he totally understood that crazy bit of info then looked over at me and so kindly contributed, “Yeah, I heard they fucked like goddamne
d rabbits when they dated. I was kinda surprised when he broke it off with her. I mean, look at her. Chick’s fucking stacked.” He looked over at me again realizing what he’d said and tried consoling me. “I mean, you’re hot and all too, don’t get me wrong.”

  “Yeah. Thanks for that, Nick. Appreciate it.” I scowled back at him then faced the front again with a heavy sigh.

  “Isn’t Jag leaving for South Carolina tomorrow anyway? He’s gonna be pretty far away. Wouldn’t make sense for you to keep dating, would it?”

  Captain Tactful was about to get on my last nerve. “No, probably not.”

  “So, would you wanna go out with me sometime?”

  Uh, hell to the no. “Um, I don’t know. We’ll see.”

  I couldn’t believe I still wasn’t crying. Maybe the beer had dehydrated me and I didn’t have any to shed. Maybe I was in shock. I don’t know what it was, but I was actually thankful that I wasn’t a blubbering mess with Nick trying to comfort me. God knew he wasn’t the most empathetic person to be around. He yammered on and on the rest of the way to my house about how he was only taking one semester at Northwestern before he interned at his dad’s business—in my dazed state I hadn’t even caught what type of business it was—and how he’d take over someday and probably be a millionaire and didn’t I want to go out with someone who had such a stellar future.

  That would be a big, fat negative.

  When we pulled into my drive I thought I was going to cry just being free from all the blathering.

  “Thanks, Nick. I appreciate it a lot.” I opened the car door and started to get out.

  “Hey, no problem. Can I get your number?”

  Just as I was going to tell him that my family didn’t believe in phones, a car came screeching around the corner. Make that a dusk blue ’69 Camaro came screeching around the corner, pulling up and skidding to a stop right in front of my house. Jag got out, slamming his door loudly and stalked toward me, his eyes glittering with anger.

  Whoa.

  “Hey, thanks again, Nick. Uh, see you around,” I said and shut the car door, turning to go inside the house.

  “El!” Jag bellowed from behind me.

  I stopped and turned around, glaring at him. Then my glare went to Nick who still sat in my drive wanting to see the show, I guessed. I waved at him and he finally got the hint, waving back then pulling out to leave.

  Jag was there then. “El, let me explain.”

  I looked up at him, not able to keep the hurt from my eyes. He took a step toward me and I took one back.

  “El…”

  And that’s when the tears came. Damn it.

  “El, I’m so sorry. Please, let me explain things to you.”

  I couldn’t stop crying long enough to speak. He was on his own here.

  “Will you come sit in the car with me?” he asked.

  I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest as I continued crying, and followed him to his car. He opened the passenger door for me and I slid inside, but I started crying even harder when I thought that this could be the last time I’d ever be inside the damned thing.

  When he got in, he started it. “Ride with me?” he asked, looking over at me.

  All I could do was nod, the lump in my throat keeping me from talking. He didn’t talk either as we drove. We ended up at his thinking place, which also made me want to cry, not knowing if we’d ever go there together again. Despite the lump in my throat, I wanted to scream. Wanted to throw a fit and ask him what the hell was going on, but I remained silent as we stared out at the city below us, the tears silently flowing down my face.

  He cleared his throat then said, “What happened tonight isn’t what you thought it was, El.”

  I lowered my head, looking down at my hands in my lap, wondering how it could’ve been anything else.

  He reached over and lifted my chin with his finger, turning me to face him. The look on his face gutted me; he was so distraught and unsure of himself. “El, what you saw was nothing. I went in the room to get your pants for you figuring you’d probably be cold, but before I could, Blair came in. She was upset and crying and told me what’d happened with her and Josh. We sat down and talked about it for a bit. She was really torn up. Hell, I wasn’t much better, wondering if you were going to break up with me.”

  I frowned at that. He really thought I was going to break up with him?

  “What you saw was, well, I guess she was just thanking me for listening. I mean, I didn’t kiss her back, if that’s what you were wondering.” He looked at me as if he were trying to find forgiveness in my eyes, but there really wasn’t any there. I knew what I’d seen.

  “But you had your arm around her,” I mumbled.

  “In a big brother kind of way.”

  “When I saw you, it all became clear to me, Jag. I couldn’t understand why you don’t want me, and then I realized it was because you want her,” I said, my stupid tears starting to fall harder.

  “El…” His hand went behind my neck and he pulled me closer to rest his forehead against mine. “I want you. I want you all the fucking time. God, you drive me wild. But at first, I just thought you were too young, and as things have progressed, I didn’t want this to just be about sex. Not with you. Never with you.” He touched his lips to mine. “You mean so much more to me, babe.”

  This made sense to me in a way, yet it didn’t. “I still don’t get it, Jag. I want you to be my first. I want you to be my only. I honestly don’t understand what’s holding you back.”

  He sighed, now cupping my face with both hands and wiping my tears away with his thumbs. “It’s because it’s you.”

  I pulled back and looked at him with a scowl. Well, that wasn’t very nice.

  He chuckled a little, continuing to hold my face in his hands. “I mean, it’s you, El. It’d be a huge step. You’ve always been a part of my life.” At my raised eyebrow, he repeated, “Always. Even when you thought I didn’t care about you, when we didn’t hang out for all those years, I always cared. Always kept an eye out for you. If something happened now where we didn’t work out, it’d break me. I can’t even think about us not being together. And I don’t want you to ever not be in my life. I know that’s really selfish of me, isn’t it? But does it make any sense to you?” He kissed me again softly.

  “Yeah, it is selfish of you.” I had to agree with him on that one.

  He sighed. “I know.”

  “But that’s just being scared, Jag. Relationships are a risk. Nothing’s guaranteed.”

  “You’re right,” he conceded, letting my face go and sitting back in his seat and staring straight ahead. “I am scared. Scared of my feelings for you. Scared of how things are going to be once I leave.”

  “I’m scared too. And I guess I get what you’re saying, but then again I don’t,” I whispered. “Because you’re scared of losing me, you don’t want to be with me. Right?” We sat there in silence for a bit. “So it’d be okay if I was with someone else?”

  Well, that was the wrong thing to say. His head jerked toward me so fast I almost felt the air stir from his abrupt movement, and the mood in the car had changed suddenly, thick with his fury. He grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me toward him. When his angry face was an inch from mine he hissed out, “No, it is not goddamned okay for you to be with someone else!”

  I was so confused. He wanted me but he didn’t want me. And he didn’t want anyone else to have me. Oooookay.

  He let go of my shoulders and ran a hand over his face then looked at me and said, “El, I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. Look, when we started this up, I wanted to take it slow. Get to know each other again.” He looked down at his lap. “Then when I realized I was in love with you, I knew I’d be leaving soon, and I didn’t want to do this to you… sleep with you then just up and leave.” He looked at me again, confusion in his eyes. “God, I don’t know how to explain it. It made sense in my fucking head at the time. I just know… I won’t ask you to wait for me.” He closed his e
yes and took a deep breath blowing it out slowly.

  I sat looking at him knowing what I’d do even if he was right that it wasn’t fair to me. I loved him, so I was willing to wait for him. However long that may be.

  Chapter 8

  I was nineteen when I decided to branch out a little.

  “Jag!” I semi yelled. He’d fallen asleep again while we were on the phone. When I couldn’t get him to wake up, I hung up with a sigh knowing we’d probably talk the next night. If he wasn’t too tired, that was. Poor guy was run ragged with all the games he’d been playing on top of the classes he was taking.

  The past two and a half years had been, well, interesting. Jag had been very successful pitching up a damned storm, much to the thrill of his coaches, and his team had advanced to the finals of the College World Series both years, which meant they’d played clear to the end of June, meaning I only got to see him over the summer for a few weeks. Of course I saw him at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but again only for a week or so each time. But I’d gotten to go see him play in a few games, and I’d even watched him play on ESPN a few times. The games I’d seen him play in person were when my family had driven down to South Carolina over spring break my junior year and when I’d gone to Omaha with Jag’s family for the CWS finals the past two years.

  Our visits were pretty fleeting and hectic since his team usually played the visiting team three games in a row, so he didn’t have much time to be with me. But it was all good. Our relationship had actually heated up more when we did get together. We’d actually made it to third base a couple times, which was a step in the right direction, I thought. Not that I was obsessed with having sex with him or anything. It was just that there was that slightest nagging always in the back of my head leaving me to wonder about what he’d told me, wondering if he was really just protecting me by not sleeping with me or if he was just keeping sidelined from being with anyone else. Or if he loved me but not in that way. Or if he was really, seriously scared of going there and then we didn’t work out. Chick Think I called it, and it pissed me off because whenever I allowed myself to go there, it was exhausting. Rebecca had thought it was sweet what Jag had said, telling me that good things come to those who wait, to which I’d snarkily replied that coming comes to those who don’t, which made her laugh.