Nympho

by Andrea Blackstone

  “It sounds like your hormones are out of whack, so I’ll overlook the trash talking you’re doing. You’re being so vague you’re not really saying anything of concern to me,” Rico explained.

  “Let’s clarify things: cooperate or I’m moving forward with my plans to ruin you. You’re acting too big for your pants, but what you need to do is delete any pictures from your phone, email, stored, printed, or even filed away in your memory bank. I’m not changing the locks, installing a security system, or making my number public. If you love your career as much as I think you do you’ll now play this game my way. If you don’t believe I’m prepared to take your life in a new direction, ask me where I am. This is not a threat; it’s just a simple request,” I said, throwing some of Rico’s previous comments back at him.

  “If I were to entertain your trash talk, just where would you be?”

  “I’m standing over a post office box off of Firehouse Road in Landover, prepared to drop your life inside of it.”

  “And?”

  “And it’s all love, papi. Get your ass over here. It’s time to watch my moves. You were never supposed to be the headline act, only the side dish. How many ways can I tell you to cool your heels and stay the fuck away from me?”

  “Nonsense. I was never the appetizer. Rico is always the main course.”

  “Whatever. The clock is ticking. Fifteen minutes is all you have to get over here and engage in a little mediation session. I’m being generous in case you hit traffic but don’t drag your big old feet. Bring every spec of dirt you have on me, even the microscopic pieces, or I will get busy with my master plan.”

  Click. I flipped the script and waited in the car until I saw his beamer pull up. Once he parked, I stood outside in front of the mailbox so the whole world could watch my back.

  “Pictures please,” I said, grinning and holding the DVD that was encased in a manila colored padded envelope.

  “Package!” Rico yelled, sounding like an immature child.

  ““Pictures!” I repeated. “You don’t even know what I’m holding. It may be something to worry about. Then again, it may be nothing at all,” I taunted.

  “Package!” he yelled, wrinkling his face. “I want to see what’s in there. Give it to me!” he commanded.

  “Nothing for nothing equals nothing, Rico. You first,” I commanded. “You have ten seconds to hand over what I asked for or else you can kiss your legal career adios, amigo.” I began to count as I tapped my foot impatiently. “Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . seven . . . six . . . five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . one. It’s time to cook a Latin and black goose.” I turned to drop the envelope into the postal drop box.

  “You led me on so don’t hold a grudge. Be sympathetic,” Rico said, attempting to snatch the DVD from my fingertips. I tried to dodge him by swinging my arm high in the air but it did no good. Rico managed to confiscate my booty.

  “You’re in the heat of a battle. This is war and you’re going down, down, down under the ground!” I told him, gritting my teeth and widening my eyes. I bit Rico, kicked him in the balls, then let out a glass-shattering scream as I grabbed the package and ran backward with it under my armpit.

  Rico’s cell phone dropped from his pocket. I knew at least some of the pictures were stored in it, so I lunged forward to snatch it from his reach. I guessed that I could also copy all of the contacts in his phone book. Two tough looking thugs dressed in wife beaters came running to my aid, but Rico managed to limp away like a dog with his tail between his legs. I finally opened the mailbox door and dropped the envelope in it. I was free to finish running my errands. No more whining, no more complaining, no more pressure-filled episodes of Rico acting needy or insecure. Either way the door swung, I had a back-up plan and sent more than one DVD through the U.S. Postal system. A smart whore like Innocence never put all her eggs in one basket. Someone close to Rico would receive a report of his extracurricular activities very soon.

  16

  A Big Pack Of Lies

  “Tanya, I didn’t know who else to call,” I said, speaking to her answering machine. “I know you probably hate me right now, but I’m laid up in the hospital, all by myself. I just had an emergency hysterectomy. Can you believe it, no kids? I can’t have kids.” I started crying. I paused for a moment before adding a few more details to my pack of lies. “I can’t tell Trey about the ovarian cancer. It would crush him right before the wedding.” I paused again, long enough to interject a few sniffles before going in for the kill. “Look, Tanya, we’re girls so I just wanted you to know I would never ever hurt you or the kids. I was just angry, and I never called anyone on you about those kids. I’m scared, Tanya. Real scared. We go way back, girl. You’re the first person I told when I got my period back in junior high school, and just because we’re not speaking doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I miss you, girl and I was wrong for laying a finger on Rico. After looking deep into my heart and soul, I think it was just wedding pressure jitters, you know. I’m not perfect, just forgiven. Well, actually, the reason I pulled that ignorant stunt about your kids was because I was jealous. Yes, I said it, jealous. I found out my ovaries weren’t healthy earlier that week and hid the bad news from everyone. The GYN said they would have to go, and I was angry and in denial. Please call me back if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so alone. I know I deserve this but I could die. I don’t want to think of leaving this great big lemon drop without setting the record straight with my ace boon coon. I’ve got to go now. Love you, sweetie. Take care.”

  After I hung up, I laid back and waited. There’s a sucker born every day, and it was Tanya’s birthday. The phone rang about an hour later.

  “Leslie?” It was Tanya.

  “Oh, you called. I didn’t think you would.”

  “You had a hysterectomy? There was no way to save you’re uterus? How unusual, Leslie—you’re so young,” she commented, sounding concerned.

  “I don’t want to talk about what happened. It’s over now.”

  “I am pissed as hell over everything you did, but my Christian heart won’t allow me not to ask if there’s anything I can do.”

  “I can’t bother you after how I behaved. I’ll make out.”

  “Do you need something?”

  “Truthfully?”

  “Yes, truthfully.”

  “I do need a hand to hold. I’m really scared, Tanya. I’m still bleeding, and I’m afraid that anything could happen to me. Who knows—tomorrow’s not promised to anyone,” I said somberly.

  “I’m coming to the hospital. Where are you?”

  “I can’t face you right now. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’ve said too much already.” I resumed crying. “Kiss the kids. I’ll never have any! I can’t be a mother, Tanya. God cursed my body, for good reason I suppose.”

  “No, no, no! Don’t say those things.”

  “It’s true. I’m barren. This will have future implications— no man wants a woman who can’t have his child. Now I’m going to get stood up at the altar. I was lucky to find a man in the D.C. area. You know how hard it is to find a good man since there’s at least eight times more of us than there is of them. Now look what happens. There goes my hopes of marrying Trey!” I exclaimed.

  “I’m sorry you found out this bad news about your health and everything, but no matter how long we’ve been friends, I can’t forget that you repeatedly slept with my man. Since I don’t have anything nice to say, it’s best that I stop here,” Tanya explained.

  “I’m all alone in this world now. Should I take these pills or use this blade? I’m not sure how I’ll do it but I’m going to kill myself. My life’s a mess and there’s nothing worth living for. Don’t get me wrong, I accept full responsibility for my actions. I made this hard bed, so now I’ve got to sleep in it. I better go. I have some decisions to make. Goodbye my friend,” I said.

  “Wait! Where are you? Suicide is not the answer. I’m angry at you but that doesn’t mean that—
”

  “It has to be. I’m no more good,” I said, cutting off Tanya. “You take Trey. You deserve him just like you said. Be happy together and take good care of each other,” I said. I sucked in a breath, sounding dramatic, but struggling hard to keep from laughing.

  “Where are you?”

  “Going to hell.”

  “Answer me. Talk to me straight,” Tanya insisted.

  “I’m at my place. I was just released from Washington Hospital for Women. I’m going to slit my wrist. The pain I feel is just too deep. I lost you, now I’m about to lose Trey.” Click.

  I hung up abruptly with high hopes that Tanya would be roped back into my world. The thing is that after my abortion, I needed some help around the house. I was bleeding, but not for the reasons I said. I had to think up an entirely different version to tell Trey.

  “Trey, I hate to bother you at work. I know you’re busy.”

  “What’s up, Les?”

  “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I—I . . . sort of had an accident,” I announced in a choppy rhythm.

  “What!”

  “Yep.”

  “Are you okay? What happened?”

  “Sort of. It all depends on your definition of okay. I just got home and I’m trying to calm down and settle my nerves. I just need some peace right now.”

  “Talk to me, baby. What happened?”

  “You know how sometimes in life you think you have it all. Just when you’re happy and feeling good about things—bam. Something was happening to me, and it was that one thing I didn’t see coming.”

  “Why won’t you just tell me and stop dragging it out!”

  “I want to Trey. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. It’s just that what unfolded is a little bit awkward. No one ever said life was easy, so why should I have expected a fairytale leading up to the wedding?” I rambled. “Do you love me? I mean love me like I’m irreplaceable and our bond is unbreakable?”

  “Of course I love you like that, girl. What kind of question is that? I wish you would tell me what is going on. I’m getting tired of talking in circles.”

  “You may not love me after I tell you the news.”

  “You can tell me anything. What is it?”

  “Two days ago, I fell down the steps, Trey.”

  “What!”

  “I know. I know. I got dizzy and fell down the steps. I really think I blacked out. Everything went dark. The next thing I knew I was dragging over to the phone to call 911. I was rushed to the hospital and everything,” I lied.

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I didn’t think it was that serious, and I didn’t want to bother you. You know I’m not a selfish drama queen.”

  “Nonsense—you should’ve called to let me know what was going on. This was a bonafide emergency.”

  “You’re always so busy. I didn’t want to ruin your day over something small.”

  “Our wedding is in just four days. You’re almost my wife. What are you saying?” Trey asked, sounding annoyed.

  “I’m saying that I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

  “But are you okay?”

  “I’m still sore for the DNC procedure. Other than that, a few scrapes and bruises from what I’ve noticed so far.”

  “And the baby?” he asked. I remained quiet. He asked me again. “And the baby?”

  “I had a miscarriage,” I told him softly. “Honey, did you hear me? I said I had a DNC procedure. To put it nicely, that means I had to get some internal things tended to after the doctors discovered the fetus wasn’t living.”

  Trey broke down crying in a way I never imagined. I could feel the hurt pouring from his heart. “Why? Why is this happening to me? No! No!” he shouted between sobs.

  “I know this really sucks. I really wanted the baby, too. Well, not at first, but after you showed me that our child is, I mean, was a blessing from God. The bottom line is that I was getting attached to it already,” I said, pretending to feel sad. I shifted the conversation with a smooth transition to set Trey up not to come see me. “Tanya put her differences aside to come help me. I’m not up to talking much right now. Go get a beer and catch up with Rico and your crew after work. They’re like family to you and getting out may do you some good. Don’t try to see me right now because I’m not emotionally equipped to face you. Had I not pushed myself and stayed in bed, this never would’ve happened. I’ll call you later. I’m so sorry. Perhaps we can try to get pregnant again later. I guess this wasn’t mean to be—everything happens for a reason. I better go for now.” Click.

  I hung up the phone letting that cruel pack of lies fall in my man’s lap.

  I heard Tanya turn into my driveway. While she was parking her car, I poured a bottle of pills all over the kitchen table, then scattered them around. I let Tanya bang on the door while I took the time to set the stage for my acting debut. I also decided that every now and then, I would hold my stomach and wince in pain.

  When I unlocked the door, I put on a pathetic face and stood at a slight angle. I was breathing hard from running around so quickly that it added to the credibility of my performance. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get to the door. I have to walk very slowly. Please, Tanya, not a word to Trey. He can’t know I had this surgery. Swear you won’t tell or I don’t want you to see me right now.”

  “I swear I won’t mention a thing,” she answered as she walked into the house. “You’re winded. Come on now. Let me help you get off your feet,” she said, gently grabbing my arm and leading me to the couch.

  “I’m going to get you a sheet and pillow so you can lay down while we talk about some things. I’m taking off for a few days and I don’t want to hear a word about it. You’re wedding is in a few days and we’ve got to get you well enough to walk down that aisle.”

  “I can’t let you be good to me—not in light of my behavior, Tanya. Just leave. Maybe you being here will be too awkward for both of us. I can’t even look you in the eye.”

  “Let’s just forget what happened. In fact, the only way I can deal with it is by not ever talking about it again. Blood is thicker than water, and we’re almost blood. A man is not worth losing a friendship. That’s what they say, right?”

  “Yes. I know you’re still pissed though.”

  “Like I said, we don’t need to talk about that right now,” Tanya explained.

  After she made me more than comfortable, including fetching my slippers like an obedient dog, she ended up begging to be my maid of honor.

  Tanya showed up with an overnight bag, and I intended on her staying as long as she could. Just as I’d hoped, the midget shrimp waited on me hand and foot all week, and even stressed herself out with my wedding shit while I got my strength back and slept the day away. I listened to the birds sing and slept while she scrubbed my toilet, cooked me breakfast, and played praise CDs to lift my spirits and ease my pain. Tanya placed her hand on my head and prayed for me to lose the suicide demon, wasting her precious vacation days, and leaving her children with someone she had to pay. Dumb, gullible biyotch!

  On day one of her stay, I sent Tanya to the store to get some super-sized maxi pads for my bleeding. While she was out and about, I placed a call to Rico.

  “You’ve been officially relieved of your duties,” I said just after he answered. “You are no longer my baby daddy. When you show up for wedding rehearsal, you better act like you have some sense, because I’m in love with Trey, not you. Wake up and smell the coffee. I had an abortion. Trey and I have come too far, and you’re not going to wreck our future.”

  Trey’s mother showed up with church members, the day after my talk with him. They all came bearing gifts, casseroles, fruit, pies, and holding helium balloons with get well messages written all over them. Mabel began treating me like a human being and apologized profusely for the loss of my first child, three days before my wedding. I scammed everyone with my pack of lies. My alter ego Innocence was unleashing her merciless wrath. Mild-
mannered Leslie, who was often mistreated and unsatisfied, was buried deep within. Innocence was having everything handed to her on a silver platter . . . and I was beginning to like doing things her way.

  17

  The Sister From Hell

  “Who are you? Her maid?” I heard someone say.

  I’d know that voice anywhere. It belonged to my sister from hell. Although she was part devil, her horns seemed to have fallen off when she was born. She didn’t have me fooled though. I always knew what she was and why.

  “Maid? No, I’m her sister in the Lord,” Tanya replied, standing at the front door. “How cute. I love it. I realize you may have mistaken me for Mariah Carey, but

  I’m Angela, Leslie’s big sister. Same mother, same father. I got the good genes, and she got whatever was left over. Why am I telling you this? That part’s obvious.”

  “Confidentially, she just had a hysterectomy. She needs to rest,” Tanya explained. She didn’t bother to tell Angela she’d known me since junior high school.

  “Please! She’s always been one to exaggerate. She’ll be fine. She has nerves of steel and the stamina of a workhorse. She can borrow one of my children—no big deal. Kidding!” Angela said, swinging her hair. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

  I sat on a couch in the background watching Angela.

  Tanya replied, “Well, I don’t know if . . .”

  “Anyway, she can stand to open her doors early for her family,” Angela commented, nearly pushing Tanya out of the way. “We lost contact and haven’t seen her in years. I did a Google search and up popped her address and phone number. I can imagine she’s dying to see me. Our parents will be along a bit later,” she explained. I sighed and shook my head as I continued spying. “I’m on my fifth marriage. I have nine years of marriage under my belt—husband number one was an IBM executive, some years ago. If I could survive life with that man, anybody else would be like a bed of roses. Weddings are no big deal to me. I just wanted to see who was foolish enough to hook up with Tar Baby. Plus, hopping a plane was no big deal. We have a lot of projects going on at our home in L.A.: a broken water pump that’s being fixed, an Italian bedroom, yada, yada, yada.” She removed a bottle of Air-wick air freshener from a bag and began spraying it around the room. I began to cough from the fumes, so I stood up, trying to find another place to sit.