Dear Santa

by Lulu Pratt

  I can only imagine. I know when Monica and Larry get stuck, they struggle to get time to speak about it or fight it out with Lindsay around. I can’t imagine what it must be like if there are three kids.

  “Actually, I have to get going,” Graham says. “I’m sure you would like some time alone to settle in. I need to check in on my sister, as well.”

  If I must be honest with myself, I would prefer Graham to stay longer. I don’t want time to settle in. I want company. I want someone to drive the misery away. But he has a life, too. Graham has already been so kind to me. I’m not going to ask him to sacrifice any more of his time.

  “I hope everything works out for them,” I say. “It’s great to have family that can help you out. I know this from firsthand experience. Your sister is lucky to have a brother like you.”

  Graham looks a little uncomfortable, and when he smiles at me, it’s forced.

  “I’ll check in on you tomorrow. If you need anything, give me a shout any time.”

  I thank Graham and hug him. He kisses me on the cheek, the way he’s been doing lately. I watch him drive away, the lights on his truck cutting two lines in the darkness. When he’s gone, the light in the cabin does very little to drive the darkness away, and I feel terribly alone.

  Chapter 14

  Graham

  The next morning, I’m collecting boxes again. This time, it’s to help Britney move into Sarah’s old place. I’m relieved that James has been denied bail, and I don’t think he will be out to torment my sister any time soon, but Britney is still very worried, and I’ve made it my mission to make sure she’s okay. I want to get her out of the house as soon as possible.

  Moving all Britney’s things into Sarah’s house feels awkward. Only yesterday, I was in here, helping Sarah move everything out. When I did, it was like her life essence left the place as well. The walls are empty now where all the paintings hung before. There is no life now that the plants are missing. Most of all, Sarah isn’t here.

  I push the thoughts away, and Britney and I work side-by-side to turn the place from a house to a home again. The kids seem to like it. Britney is relieved that even if James does get out of jail, he won’t know where they are, and I am happy they are next door. I can keep an eye on them without being in their space.

  “Thank you so much for taking care of this,” Britney says when we’re all done. “I don’t know how you made this happen, but I’m really grateful. It took me much too long to realize how bad it had become.”

  I nod. “You know I’ll do anything for you, Britney. I love you, and I want to take care of you. Seeing you hurt, hurts me as well. I’m just happy that you’re away from him, that you can start over and live a new life.”

  Britney nods. This is going to be hard for her and for the kids. There is still a very long road ahead where she must keep deciding not to go back to James. The problem with abusive spouses is that they make the victim dependent on them. As it is, Britney doesn’t have a job. I plan to help her out with cash for now, but she’ll have to start looking for something as soon as possible. No matter what, I won’t let her get to a place where she’ll ever need to go back to James again.

  When I finally leave Britney’s place, I walk back to my own and pull my phone from my pocket. I dial Sarah’s number.

  “How are you holding up?” I ask when she answers.

  “Oh, I’m all right. It’s going to take some getting used to waking up in a strange place, but the cabin really is great. Thank you.”

  I looked through the window at the house next door, and a pang of guilt shoots through my chest again. Am I ever going to get rid of this guilt?

  “I have to admit, I’m already missing having you next door,” I say.

  “Really?” she asks, and I can hear her smiling. I close my eyes. I can picture exactly what her face looks like right now.

  “Have you noticed the weather?” Sarah asks, changing the topic. I’ve noticed she does this when she gets shy or embarrassed. “It’s very strange. It seems like it’s building up for something.”

  I looked at the sky. There’s a thickness in the air, and the clouds hang low, threatening.

  “I’ve noticed,” I say. “Hopefully, we’ll get some snow before Christmas, make it a white one.”

  “That is just what I need to make Christmas a happy one again,” Sarah says.

  I groan inwardly. Every time Sarah mentions that Christmas isn’t happy anymore because of what happened, I feel dreadful.

  “I saw you had all your decorations up before you moved,” I say. “You should put them up again.”

  “I don’t even know what box they’re in. The boxes are hardly labeled. I was in such a hurry. I don’t think I’m going to be able to find them without having to open every single box. It’s not worth the effort.”

  “We can’t have that,” I say. “I’ll come over and bring a few things to spice the cabin up, make it homier for you. We can’t lose the spirit of Christmas.”

  “That will be great, Graham,” Sarah says, and she’s smiling again. I much prefer making her smile over making her cry.

  After we speak for another half hour, we finally end the phone call. I can speak to her all night if I have the chance. I don’t want to be weird, so I try to keep it short, but Sarah and I get along so well. Another reason why I hate what happened. This is exactly why I never befriend my tenants. If anything, it’s proof that I should stick to my rule. Of course, it’s too late now with Sarah.

  I want to do something for her, something that will make her feel better, something that will make her smile. I let her stay at the cabin for free, but that doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I decide I’m going to take her a couple of things, along with the Christmas decorations when I see her again. I want to buy groceries, take her some books, anything that will make her happy. It’s not just because I feel guilty, either. I really want to make her happy.

  I sit down in front of the TV and switch it on. I start watching a movie, but it’s interrupted by an urgent weather report. Apparently, heavy snowfall is expected in the next couple of days. This is exactly what we need, a white Christmas to top everything off. I’m so happy for Sarah’s sake. I may have been the one to ruin her Christmas, but I want to do everything I can to make it fun again, and a white Christmas is the best place to start.

  In the morning, I’m going to go to the shops and buy her a couple of things. I want to go out to the cabin and help her decorate it, spend some time with her, maybe dig around the attic and see what I can find. I know there are boxes full of old holiday things up there. Maybe we’ll find something fun.

  With the new plan, I can finally relax. Britney is safe next door, Sarah has a place to live, and I have a mission for the next day. It makes me feel like less of a criminal for what I’ve done. After all, I’m only looking out for Britney, and if anyone needs help, it’s my sister and her kids. Family comes before everything else. I keep reminding myself of this when I feel bad about what I’ve done. I can make up for this by helping Sarah out in other ways.

  I can still be a good man.

  Chapter 15

  Sarah

  When I wake up on Saturday, the first day of my Christmas vacation, I still feel like I don’t know where I am. I’m aware that I’m in the cabin where Graham put me up, but when I look at the wooden beams that make up the walls of the place and the wooden ceiling, I don’t feel like I’m home.

  It’s horrible not to feel like I’m home for Christmas. I’m not on vacation, even though the cabin has a mountain-cabin feel to it. I’m just… lost.

  Someone is knocking on my door, and I realize that’s why I woke up. I push my feet into my slippers and pull on a thick robe before I walk to the door. The cabin is much colder than my home was — I have a heater and a fireplace, the house is so much smaller, and I still struggle to heat it. It might have to do with the insulation of the place or something, but I’m not a builder. Graham would probably know what it’s all about.
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  When I open the door, Graham stands in front of me, fresh and smiling.

  “Did I wake you?” he asks, looking me up and down.

  I rub my eyes with my palms. “Yeah, but I should be getting up anyway.”

  “Sorry,” Graham says. “I come bearing gifts.”

  He turns around and walks to his car. I look around and see a world transformed. Snow must have fallen throughout the night because the ground, the naked branches, the slopes and the rocks are all covered with a thick blanket of white snow.

  “This is beautiful,” I say.

  “I think it’s just for you,” Graham says over his shoulder. He takes a few things out of his car. A box with Christmas decorations that he brings to me so I don’t have to walk with my slippers in the snow, four bags of groceries, and a string of fairy lights that looks like he just bought them.

  “You didn’t have to get me all this stuff,” I say, taking the groceries from him.

  “Yes, I did. You’re already having to relocate, and it’s snowing now. You don’t have your snow tires on. I checked. It was safer for me to go.”

  He’s all attentive and caring. I like it. I grin when he mentions my tires. He’s such a man.

  Graham starts unpacking the Christmas decorations while I take care of the groceries. I put them away in the little fridge and pantry. He’s brought me a lot of non-perishables and a few fresh things. I’m grateful. It’s not like I don’t have cash to stock up for Christmas, but with the move and my terrible mood, I haven’t even thought about going to the store.

  I’m glad to see Graham. I usually don’t mind being alone, but being in a strange place after losing my home made me feel lost and forgotten. It seems silly now, when I’m not alone anymore, but it was how I felt.

  When I’m done packing away groceries, I turn around to a living room that’s suddenly festive. Graham put up tinsel above the two windows and a little tree with flashing lights in the corner. He put up the Christmas lights against the back wall, and everything is cheery, now.

  “This is just what I needed, thank you,” I say to him.

  I sit down on the couch, and I take a deep breath. Maybe this won’t be so bad.

  Graham starts a fire in the hearth. The crackle of flames, the Christmas lights against the back wall, and the tree in the corner make everything feel better.

  “How is your sister doing?” I ask when Graham stands next to me. Whenever I ask about her, Graham seems to be uncomfortable. Maybe he doesn’t like talking about her to strangers, but we’re hardly strangers anymore.

  “She’s doing all right, thank you. Sometimes, all you need is a little family.” Graham is answering my question, but he’s being evasive.

  I won’t push if he doesn’t want to speak about it. Still, I find it strange because he’s so talkative about everything else. Maybe it’s because we barely know each other. I’m not exactly going to divulge everything about my life to him, either.

  We make hot cocoa, talk about everything and nothing, and enjoy each other’s company. When I look out the window, snow is falling again. Graham doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave, and I’m relieved.

  “I love this time of year,” I say. “Most people get annoyed when the weather is miserable like this, but I love it. I prefer it over summer.”

  “I can’t exactly say I love it, but I like the idea of a white Christmas,” Graham says.

  I know he’s happy about the snow for my sake, though. It’s another thing I like about him. He seems to want what I want, solely because it makes me happy.

  With the falling snow, it’s not particularly light, but by the time the sky starts to darken, Graham gets up.

  “I should probably get going and leave you to yourself.”

  I don’t want him to leave, but I’m not going to tell him that. We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately, but I don’t want him to know that I prefer him being around right now.

  When I open the front door, a gust of freezing wind blows into the cabin. The world is yet again transformed, the snow so thick it looks like it’s been snowing for days. Graham’s car is half buried.

  “Oh, God, this is bad.” Graham looks a little panicked. “I’m not going to get my car out of that.”

  “Are you sure we can’t dig it out?” I ask.

  Graham shakes his head, looking grim. “I’ve been stuck in snow enough times to know a lost cause when I see one.”

  We stand side by side, looking at his car.

  “Maybe you should stay the night,” I say. “I have another room, and it’s your cabin, after all.”

  Graham shakes his head. “I can’t stay here,” he says. “I can’t leave my sister alone.”

  He looks freaked out about it, and I don’t understand why. Surely, his sister will be fine without him for one night? The way he made it sound when I asked him was that she was having marital problems. I didn’t get the idea that she needed him to hold her hand. Of course, he’s only told me a small part of it. Maybe there is a lot more to it than I know.

  “If you’re serious about getting out of here, we can try. I’ll help you.”

  Graham looks at me, his face sullen. If he were a child, I would have said he was pouting. But Graham is a grown man, and he doesn’t pout.

  “It’s not going to help,” he says.

  I want to argue with him, but he looks like he’s made up his mind. He’s not happy about having to stay over, but all I can think about is that I don’t have to spend the night alone. Maybe it’s a little unfair. He seems to be very worried about his sister, but I hate being alone in this little cabin.

  Graham turns to me and sighs. “It looks like I don’t have a choice. I have to stay the night.”

  I’m not sure how to respond to that, but then he flashes me a smile, and I know it’s not as bad as he made it seem.

  Chapter 16

  Graham

  I’m not happy. I know this isn’t anyone’s fault. The weather can’t be controlled, but I’m still irritated. On the plus side, I’m stranded with Sarah. It’s not a bad way to spend my isolation. Because being snowed in at a small cabin is exactly that — isolated.

  I had no idea that the cabin could become snowed in. It’s not so far outside of town, and it’s not in a valley or against the mountain like some of the other cabins I looked at before buying this one. But the weather has been strange lately. Sarah and I were commenting on just the other day. It’s like Mother Nature was holding back, and now, she’s unleashing her full wrath. The idea of a white Christmas being fun and romantic has suddenly turned dark.

  Sarah is making us supper. I’m glad that I brought her the groceries now. We probably won’t be snowed in for long, but if we are, we have food to make it through. While she moves around the little kitchen, I watch her. She is graceful and elegant, even though she wears baggy clothes to keep warm. I like watching her move around my little kitchen. She seems to be at home already, finding plates and bowls with ease. I guess she’s had a bit of time to become acquainted with the place.

  I think about her house next to mine, and another pang of guilt shoots through my chest. I try to push away, but it won’t go. I did this, I think. I put her out of her house just before Christmas, and now, she is holed up in the freezing little cabin, and we’re snowed in. I thought buying her groceries and Christmas decorations would make up for it. All that happened is that I feel like I’m trying to buy her forgiveness.

  “Come up to the attic with me,” I say.

  “I’m cooking,” Sarah says, but she looks curious. “What’s up there?”

  I know she noticed the stairs that go into the hatch in the ceiling.

  “Boxes of books, old DVDs, board games. Everything you would need for a Christmas in the mountains.”

  I can see I have her interest. She pulls the pan off the hotplate and rubs her hands on her thighs. She walks with me, and we go to the wooden stairs — it’s more of a glorified ladder. I climb up first, pushing into the at
tic. It’s dusty and moldy up here, and I wonder if the books will be damaged.

  I help Sarah up with me, and we walk to a stack of boxes in the corner. They are labeled — bless whoever did this — and I find the one with old DVDs in it. When I open it, Sarah squeals.

  “These are classics!” She takes the DVDs out of the box and goes through them. “This is one of my favorites.” She holds out The Family Stone.

  “You have good taste,” I say. “This is one of my favorites, too.”

  “We have to watch this,” Sarah says, and I agree. The movie is all about family, Christmas, compromises and love. Not to mention that it has great actors in it.

  I suggest we take the whole box downstairs, and Sarah goes first, taking the box from me when I hand it down. We walk with the box back to the TV, and I put in the first DVD. Sarah finishes dinner and serves the plates for us. We sit together on the couch, eating, watching movies.

  God, I like this so much. I can’t remember when I last did something like this with a woman. This is the kind of thing I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m getting ahead of myself, but everything about Sarah is amazing. I like spending time with her. I like everything about her. That just makes me feel so much worse for what I did.

  I want to make a move. I want to kiss her, make out with her and run my hands over her body. I want to do so much more. But she’s still a little switched off, still a little down about what happened, and I don’t blame her. She’s closed off, and I’m not going to push for something that I don’t deserve. Maybe one day, when everything has blown over, I will keep trying with her. For now, I’m just going to be here for her.

  When the movie is finally over, Sarah yawns.

  “That was great,” she says. “I’m exhausted. Do you mind if I go to bed?”

  I shake my head. “I’m quite tired, too.”

  We sit together in silence for a moment, listening to the wind outside. As far as I know, it’s still snowing. Somehow, being enveloped in nature makes the cabin and us seem so much smaller.