Shattered Bonds: Book Seven of Wicked Play

by Lynda Aicher

  She shut off the car and watched him repeat the action one more time before he turned his head to look at her, still squatting.

  Her heart hitched. It was Noah.

  The breeze played with his curls, dirt marked his clothes and covered his gloves. His jeans pulled tight across his thighs over mud-encased work boots. He was rumpled, dirty and still sexy as hell. His entire appearance was so out of character that she hadn’t even thought about it being him. Earthy was never a description she’d placed on him, but seeing him now, it fit.

  When had this change happened? What else had she missed since she’d moved out? Did he even want her here now? The doubts stalled her for a moment and brought back the fears she’d tried to ignore. Could she really do the just-friends thing? For him, she had to try.

  He stood, using the hoe as leverage, as she got out of the car.

  “Hey,” she called with a wave, glad her voice didn’t show her nerves. “I brought your turkey dinner.” She motioned toward the car, but didn’t get it out.

  His smile spread across his unshaven cheeks to release some of the anxiety that had built up in her ride there. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  She shoved her fists into the pockets of her winter coat and returned his smile. The grass squished beneath her sneakers, a testament to the rain they’d had earlier that week. At least it wasn’t snowing yet. “I wanted to.”

  “Well, thank you then.” He leaned the hoe against the fence and tugged his gloves off.

  The scent of freshly turned dirt reached her when she stopped before him. “What are you planting?”

  He kicked at the bag of bulbs. The picture showed a bright array of red and yellow blooms. “Lilies. Thought they’d look nice along the fence in the spring.”

  They would. “I assumed you had a gardener or lawn crew who did this.” His bark of laughter had her backtracking. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that in a bad way.” A flush warmed her cheeks beneath the chill of the air.

  “None taken,” he reassured her with a smile. “I do have someone who takes care of this.” He motioned around the yard then shrugged. “There was a time when I did most of it. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it.” His gaze wandered over the space before he jerked out of his musings with a wan smile. “Do you want to come in?”

  Maybe it was the fresh air or the glint of the sun through the afternoon clouds, but his eyes seemed to shine and his face glowed in a way that was again so counter to his usual demeanor that she couldn’t help staring. She ached to haul him in for a hug, to celebrate this man who seemed freer—without her.

  The sobering thought had her digging her hands deeper into her pockets. She reminded herself that she wanted this for him. It was a good thing. She looked toward the house with a longing that had her shaking her head at his offer. There were too many memories in there. Good and bad ones.

  She spotted a double swing tucked in the corner of the yard and grabbed his hand. “Let’s sit over here and enjoy the last of the nice days before winter hits.”

  His hand was warm in hers, and everything inside her screamed at how right it was. He laced his fingers with hers in a move so natural her breath stuttered in her chest. They touched from shoulder to thigh when they sat down, his heat seeming to simmer into her to taunt her with what she couldn’t have. She wanted nothing more than to rest her head on his shoulder and let the day slip away. Maybe the world, too.

  “How was your Thanksgiving?” he asked and gave a small kick to set the swing on a slow rock.

  “Busy, but good.” She thought of the day that had started at four that morning, glad for the distraction from her warring emotions. “I made a turkey dinner at home before heading to my mom’s for a few hours then spent the afternoon delivering food to everyone.” His small puff of amusement had her looking to him. “What?”

  “Who’d you take food to? Besides me.”

  She frowned. “I stopped at the hospital with pumpkin rolls. One for the trio and another for the nurse’s station. Then I swung over to the condos to deliver a roll to Jake and Cali and then Kendra and Deklan. Fortunately I caught Rock and Carter there and gave them theirs. They were getting ready to head to the hospital when I left. You should see the food Jake and Cali prepared. They said Marcus and Quinn were meeting them there, so I took the easy way out and asked them to deliver their roll for me. Then I dropped off dinner for some of the center kids.”

  She sucked in a breath of air and turned to him. “So why aren’t you going to the hospital for their Thanksgiving celebration? They said you’d declined, but you told me you might go.”

  “How many pumpkin rolls did you make?”

  She frowned again. “What does it matter?”

  He gave a half smile. “Humor me. How many?”

  She flicked up her fingers as she counted them off in her head. “Nine.” She rechecked her calculation. “No. Ten. I forgot my dad.”

  “Ten.” Noah nodded. “Ten pumpkin rolls. A turkey and I’m assuming the trimmings too.”

  “Only mashed potatoes, gravy, bread rolls and green bean casserole. Nothing fancy.”

  “When’d you start making the pumpkin rolls?”

  She shrugged. “Sunday. They freeze well.”

  “I’m sure they do.” His thumb caressed the back of her hand, leaving a trail of tingles that raced through her blood and left every nerve ending acutely aware of him.

  “Your roll is in the car,” she managed to say in a normal voice.

  “Along with my turkey and potatoes?”

  “Don’t forget the green bean casserole,” she joked. “Can’t have turkey without that.”

  His chuckle was warm and infectious. She laughed and gave into her earlier desire to rest her head on his shoulder. She might regret it when she was back in her apartment alone, but right now she was tired of resisting him. Tucked away from the world like they were, it was almost possible to forget what stood between them.

  “Kendra’s looking really good,” she said to make conversation. Kendra had been released from the hospital on Monday and was staying with Deklan.

  “Yeah, she is,” Noah agreed and gave her hand a squeeze. “Have you heard from V?”

  “Nope.” Everyone seemed to know about her trip to Michigan to meet Holden’s family. “I’m taking that as a good thing.”

  They swung in silence for a while, the gentle sway a soothing calm to the hectic day. Or maybe it was being with Noah that relaxed her. The trees rustled with the empty gush of wind through their bare branches. The leaves had been raked up, the patio furniture stored away for the coming winter. There were predictions of snow next week, just in time to start the Christmas season.

  “Thank you,” she said into the darkening afternoon. The sun would set before long, but she wasn’t ready to move.

  “For what?”

  “For sending those donations to the center.” She waited for him to deny it and smiled when he didn’t. V had been right. “I’m still trying to find a place to store everything.” She’d meant to say something on Tuesday when he’d been at the center, only she’d been meeting with a family when he’d left.

  He ducked his head. “I’m glad they came through.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing.” He stared across the yard, a touch to the ground getting the swing moving again. “Let me know what else you need. There are still offers I can reach out to.”

  “You’ve done more than enough,” she assured him. “Everyone has. But more people like you who are willing to give their time are what the kids really need. Positive male role models for them to look up to.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  Her instinct was to tell him no, but maybe he could find a way to make that happen, and she couldn’t deny the kids that chance.

  The sky darkened more, and she tried to hide the shiver that ran through her. She must’ve been unsuccessful though, because he released her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulders and tug her c
loser.

  Her pulse sped up as she fought the longing that raced back to tease her with what she couldn’t have. Again, she ignored her better judgment and shifted to drape her legs over his. She snuggled into his warmth and found his free hand to link it back with hers.

  Within seconds, the tension and stress and indecision that had ridden in tandem with her every move since the accident drifted away as they rocked. Nestled into the cocoon of Noah, her eyelids drooped, lulled by the sway of the swing and the comforting scent of dirt and him. She yawned and blinked a few times.

  “Can I ask you something?” she said into the twilight.

  “Always.”

  She hesitated then dove in, hoping her timing was right. “How did you get into BDSM?”

  He stiffened for an instant then relaxed again with a long sigh and a rub on her arm. “I was in my last year of law school when my parents died unexpectedly.”

  “How?”

  “Car accident.”

  She twisted to see him. “You never said anything.” It put everything they’d gone through in a different light. One she was sick thinking about. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Thank you.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, a move so natural and missed that she closed her eyes to savor the imprint before it raced down to pierce her heart. “It was a long time ago.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I was in my last year of law school and my life suddenly felt out of control. I was alone and scrambling for a foundation. The internet gave me an idea of what I might want. So I found a club and was fortunate to meet Jake early on. Being a Dom brought order back to my life when I’d felt I had none.”

  She thought about that and how lost he must have been. “And after that? When you got your degree and later your own law practice?”

  “I liked it. For me, being a Dom was more about nurturing than power.”

  “How so?”

  He didn’t answer for a bit, and she startled when he wrapped both arms around her and held her tight. The ache returned tenfold, but she reveled in his embrace, soaked up every second of it and layered in the hope it brought.

  “For me,” he finally said, “being a good Dom meant being there for the submissive more than myself. I strode to identify what a sub needed and then gave it to them, even if it was different from what they thought they wanted. It was about fulfilling their desires so they could walk out the door at the end of the night stronger, having satisfied the craving that drove them to the club.”

  Liv let his words and warmth sink in. The faint glow from a light in the kitchen kept it from being completely black and provided something to stare at across the yard. She settled her hand over his heart and found a solid, steady beat that was so him. Her breath hitched before she bit her tongue to hold back the whimper that threatened to spill out.

  “Was that what Beth was about for you?” she asked once she’d regained control of her voice. She was hesitant to prod too far, but she had to understand the Beth part, too.

  He rubbed his cheek across her hair then let it rest there, each breath ghosting over her temple in a heated reminder of how close his lips were. “Mostly.” His voice had gone low. “I cared for her. Thought I was giving her what she wanted—needed. It gutted me to discover how wrong I’d been.”

  The pain in his voice ripped at her heart once again for what he’d been through. How in the heck could that woman have done that to him? “You mentioned something about her dark past and depression. Was she bipolar?” A few kids had parents who were being treated for that, and she’d witnessed the drastic emotional changes a person could have if they were off their medications.

  “Not that I know of. Just deeply depressed and experienced in hiding it.” He took a deep breath and twisted the end of her ponytail around his fingers, sending a flush of goose bumps down her neck. “I’m talking to a therapist about it.”

  She tried to keep her small gasp to herself. It was another shot of hope that fueled her dreams and had her biting her lip until she could respond properly. “Good. I hope it helps.”

  “Me, too.”

  They rocked until she couldn’t stop the shivers. The temperature had dropped with the setting sun, and the chill had found its way to her bones. She didn’t want to leave the cozy nest she’d found in Noah’s lap, fearful of how alone she’d be when he let her go. Would she ever get him back permanently?

  With regret, she eased off the swing without a word. She choked back her sorrow and blessed the darkness for shadowing the hurt she couldn’t hide.

  “Let me get your food,” she said to fill the silence. He followed her to the SUV, and she squinted into the interior light when she opened the passenger door to grab his bag off the floor. “Here.”

  The paper crinkled when he took it from her and peeked inside. She slammed the door closed, the interior light slowly dimming.

  “I can’t wait to eat it.” He glanced up. “Sure you don’t want to join me?”

  It was tempting. They could slide back into their easy routine. Have dinner, catch up on their weeks, touch and laugh and eventually fall into bed together. It would be easy and comfortable and…

  “I can’t,” she finally said with another dose of regret. “I want to,” she added when his face flattened out. It was the first time she’d seen a hint of that look since she’d arrived. “But I don’t trust myself. Dang.” She rubbed her forehead, searching for how to phrase it. “I’m not explaining this well. Do you understand what I’m trying to say, though?”

  He tucked his free hand in his back pocket and inclined his head. “I do.” He heaved a sigh. “You’re right.”

  “But hey.” She flashed a full smile and swore her face cracked. “If you’re free next Saturday, I have an offer you can’t refuse.” She waggled her brows for added effect.

  He chuckled. “What?”

  “How does a free ticket and back area pass to the Glaciers’s game sound?” He cringed, and she did the same when she remembered what had happened after the last game they’d attended together. “Yeah. Maybe that’s not a good idea.”

  “No,” he quickly interjected. “It sounds great. I’m there.”

  She smiled again, a real one this time, and dug a toe into the dirt. “Did I leave out the part about there being a bus full of kids included?” His brows shot up, but he didn’t say anything. “The Glaciers gave the youth center twenty-five tickets, transportation included. I could really use another chaperone and they know you and having a man with us would be really helpful with the older boys and—”

  His deep laughter cut off her rambling, or pleading really. “That’s fine. Get me the details. I’ll be there.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “God, you’re the best.” She launched herself into his arms for an impulsive hug she would’ve given anyone. But he wasn’t just anyone. He was the man she loved and couldn’t have. The one she would never pressure into a relationship he wasn’t ready for. She wouldn’t be another Beth.

  He woofed out a surprised breath then caught her up with one arm to return the embrace. She clung to him, eyes held tightly closed along with her lips as she fought back the crushing desire to given in and stay. His hold tightened when she would’ve pulled back and she stood on tiptoe, letting it go on. Savoring his touch, the feel, the longing to have this without strings or anything between them. That last bit finally had her easing back.

  He pressed a kiss to her temple before he let her go, and she followed an impulse once again to pull his head down for a solid press of her lips to his. It was nothing more than that, no tongue or deepening, yet it was somehow filled with the same emotion and passion of their most fevered kiss. Her lust danced in a struggle of wills with her heart and head to clash within her.

  Her lips tingled when she stepped back and she resisted the urge to press her fingers to them. That was too clichéd and telling, even though she wanted to do just that. To hold the feel of him there so she wouldn’t lose it, too.

 
She cleared her throat and shoved her fists in her pockets to keep from reaching for him. “I’d better get going.”

  “Right,” he agreed, but his tone implied he didn’t. He followed her around to the driver’s side and opened the door for her.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind me using your car?” she asked before sliding inside. “I’m trying to save up for another one and can go back to the bus without a problem.”

  “Liv.” He shot her the don’t-go-there look that she recognized from her sister.

  She gave a small laugh. “Okay. But let me know if you change your mind.”

  “It’s yours as long as you need it.”

  Surely he probably didn’t mean forever, except with the way her finances were, it might be that long. “I’ll send you the details for the game. Are you still planning on being at the center next week?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. We can talk more then.” She studied him for a moment to get her last fill of him. “Have a good weekend,” she finally said.

  “You, too. I’m sure I’ll see you at the hospital or somewhere.”

  “Probably.” They seemed to run into each other a lot that way. But with only Tyler there now, the chances were getting slimmer.

  She shut the door and gave a small wave before backing out. Squinting into the darkness, she caught a last glimpse of him before she drove away. His shadowed outline gave away nothing, but left her wishing so badly that she was weaker.

  The tears fell freely then, down her cheeks in a silent descent now that it was safe. Little betrayals that spoiled her attempt to be the bigger person. At least she’d held them in until he couldn’t see them. She wiped them away until they’d depleted, leaving her drained.

  She pulled into her complex to a dark window on her third-floor walk-up and sat there, not wanting to go in. It’d never been her home. Not like the way she’d felt with Noah.

  Thankfully, she was meeting a cousin at midnight for Black Friday shopping before the center opened tomorrow. She’d catch a short nap now and be ready to go for later. Maybe then, she wouldn’t think about how much she missed him.