Pinched, Pilfered and a Pitchfork (We're Not Dead Yet Club Book 4)

by Constance Barker

  “You know what this means, don’t you Hazel?”

  Hazel frowned a little. “I’m not so sure,” she replied. “Does this mean Ida May has to buy three more chairs?”

  Chapter Three – The Clue in the Wardrobe

  “Are you mad?” Percy hissed, his eyes darting between us.

  “What’s the problem, Percy?”

  Ida May smiled knowingly as Percy stuttered for a response. He’d pulled us to one side, just out of earshot of Susan and Betty and was now fidgeting with a handkerchief as he dotted the sweat on his brow, his eyes darting around the room.

  “This isn’t a crime, Ida May,” he replied eventually. “It’s just some store owner who lost track of what she ordered that’s all.”

  “I think you're right, Percy…” I muttered.

  “Eh?”

  “It’s probably nothing,” I replied, tapping him gently on the arm. “Nothing sinister at all…”

  Percy stared at me curiously before staring back to Ida May. “Yes. You see. The voice of reason…”

  “Maybe the furniture really is just vanishing into thin air…”

  “Ooooh,” cried Hazel, clapping her hands together with glee. “Like a ghost…”

  “No, that’s not what I…”

  “Percy, do you really believe it’s just a ghost?”

  “No, Ida May, I don’t…”

  “It’s settled then.” Ida May straightened her back and gave a self-assured nod. “The We’re Not Dead Yet Club is taking the case…”

  “Marvelous,” Hazel replied, beaming around with unsettling delight.

  “That isn’t what I meant…”

  “What’s the problem, Butch?”

  Percy glared at Ida May. “My problem is that you are sticking your nose into other people’s business. You don’t know if there’s a crime here anymore than if the world will stop spinning tomorrow. Remember what happened at the wedding? You don’t want a repeat of that debacle…”

  “Now, Percy,” I replied, softly. “Be fair. That was an entirely different matter…”

  “Yes,” Hazel chipped in. “We don’t even have any suspects yet…”

  It was strange to see how much my friend had come alive in the space of just a few minutes since we embarked on our new case. Her face was flushed, her eyes were keen and her mind was operating with the tenacity and effectiveness of a well-oiled machine.

  Percy was still not convinced. He turned to me and leaned in close to my ear:

  “I don’t like this…”

  And with that, he was gone.

  The three of us didn’t say anything until the store door had slammed shut behind him. Even then, all we could do is giggle amongst ourselves, much to the bemusement of Betty who loitered nearby in the shadows, watching us with interest. After a moment, Hazel became aware of our observer and, with a swift movement of her arm, beckoned her to join us. Betty hesitated, her eyes drifting in the vague direction of Susan before she quickly waddled over to us, giving a slight curtsey as she arrived.

  “Betty,” Hazel announced, gesturing to me and Ida May. “I’d like you to meet my friends.”

  She was a quaint thing. She wore a constant smile on her face that seemed to be put on in a vain attempt to hide the vacancy behind her eyes. As Ida May and I introduced ourselves, she shook our hands and nodded excitedly but stared with an odd look that suggested she wasn’t entirely there. I could see why she and Hazel hit it off straight away. Ida May, needless to say, took an instant disliking to her.

  “So,” Ida May muttered. “What do you know about the furniture?”

  “Quite a lot actually,” Betty replied, bobbing up and down enthusiastically. “Most of our stock is made by the Amish community. We have a couple of other suppliers, but most of our customers are really only interested in the real deal…”

  “No, dear,” Hazel interrupted, tapping Betty gently on the arm. “She’s not asking about the store. She wants to know about the missing furniture…”

  Betty’s face fell in an instant.

  “Missing? I didn’t steal anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

  “No, Betty,” I said, taking a step forward and smiling comfortingly. “No one is accusing you of stealing…”

  “Although it’s interesting that’s the first thing you jumped to.”

  I silenced Ida May with a furious glare.

  Before she had a chance to open her mouth, we were momentarily jarred from our conversation by the store door swinging rapidly open and the arrival of a tall, stocky man with a neatly trimmed beard, bald head and dark glasses. He seemed to look at us for a moment, before removing the glasses to reveal a pair of sparkling blue eyes that peered curiously at us for a moment before he gave a gentle nod.

  “Excuse me, ladies,” he muttered before turning to Betty. “Where’s Susan?”

  Betty looked lost for words for a moment, she turned to look behind her, her eyes desperately trying to seek out her employer before finally giving up. She turned back to him and gave a small shrug. “Out the back, I suppose…”

  The man stared coldly at her for a moment and pulled his checkered shirt tighter across his waist. He nodded and headed off without another word, carefully maneuvering through the collections of furniture and disappearing out through a side door.

  “That’s Gary – Susan’s husband,” Betty explained. “They own the shop together but he’s a carpenter by trade…”

  “He seems a little… Intense…”

  Betty nodded to Hazel. “He’s a natural worrier. They both are.”

  “Because of the missing furniture?”

  Betty’s eyes narrowed on me for a moment. “What makes you think it’s missing?”

  “I don’t know. Does Susan often lose track of what she’s purchased?”

  “Oh, no,” Betty replied, shaking her head violently. “She’s always on top of the inventory. I guess that’s why she’s been so stressed lately. Nothing worse than an item you can’t account for, right...?”

  I hadn’t noticed Ida May slipping away. But as I turned to mention something to her, I discovered the space that she had previously occupied completely bare and no sign of my friend anywhere around the shop. Betty and Hazel hadn’t seemed to notice either and, for the longest time, the two of them continued to natter away, sometimes talking about Susan’s missing furniture, sometimes talking about their mutual love of farms and everything that dwells on them…

  I decided to take a wander around the shop. I’m not sure what I was hoping to find, but it seemed vitally important at the time that I search every drawer, cupboard and cabinet. As I skirted my way around the perimeter of the store, I came to a stop next to a large wardrobe that had been placed firmly up against the open door into the office. I could hear Susan and her husband talking as I pulled open the wardrobe doors, but didn’t think much of it…

  That was until the opening doors revealed the rather furious face of Ida May.

  I almost jumped out of my skin.

  “Ida…”

  “Shhh,” she hissed, scowling at me. “Quick, get inside…”

  “What are you doing in there?”

  “I said, get in!”

  She didn’t look in much of a mood to explain herself and, if I’m honest, I wasn’t in much of a mood to force it out of her. So, as she had requested, I found myself climbing inside the small wardrobe and squeezing into the available space that Ida May had left for me. As soon as I was inside, her arm flashed out and pulled the door closed, almost slamming my finger in the closing gap.

  “What are you…?”

  “Shhh. Listen.”

  She cocked her head to one side and seemed to strain her ears to listen to something. It took me a moment or two to realize it, but soon I found myself listening intently to the muffled conversation between Susan and Gary. I was about to ask Ida May what I was meant to be listening for when it suddenly became abundantly clear…

  “You have to stop with this
obsession with the furniture,” I heard Gary’s voice saying. “This shop is bleeding money – it’s a simple as that.”

  There was a brief pause before Susan’s voice replied: “You don’t believe me.”

  “It’s not that at all. I just think we have to be sensible about this. Somewhere along the line we are losing money and we have to stop it before we grind ourselves into debt.”

  “You think I’m doing it on purpose?” Susan’s voice raised a few tones of pitch as it hissed with anger.

  “I think there is a rational explanation for what is missing…”

  “Yes, someone is stealing them…”

  In the darkness beside me, I felt Ida May clench her fists with glee.

  “No,” Gary replied. “I think someone is mislaying them. And it’s not difficult to work out who…”

  There was another brief pause, presumably as Gary nodded in the direction of a third person for Susan soon gasped in shock:

  “Betty? No, Gary, it’s not her – I swear it…”

  “Would you bet our housing payments on it? We’re dangerously close to falling behind as it is…”

  “Look I know she’s a bit ditsy, but even she can’t mislay huge bits of furniture!”

  “I’m not sure,” Gary mused. “Either way, she’s an expense we can’t afford right now…”

  “I’m not getting rid of her!”

  The voices fell silent for a moment. As we strained our ears to listen, all we could hear were Gary’s footsteps as he wandered back and forth and, Hazel and Betty’s voice as they giggled quietly on the other side of the room.

  “You might not have a choice,” Gary replied eventually, his voice moving closer to our hiding place. “Look, I’ve got to go. Think about what I said…”

  His footsteps got even louder. He was now walking at pace directly towards our wardrobe as he headed to the shop door. Before I realized what was happening, I felt Ida May’s bony hands on my arms as she gently pushed me to one side. In the next instant, she flung open the wardrobe door and stepped our directly into Gary’s path making him – and me – practically jump out of our skins in shock.

  “What in God’s name are you doing in there?”

  “Just one question, Gary,” Ida May replied, stepping in front of him and peering curiously into his eyes. “What is it you do for a living?”

  Gary’s eyes darted between Ida May and me as I slowly clambered out of the wardrobe, looking – I imagine – rather sheepish and as confused as he was.

  “Who the hell are you people?”

  “Answer the question,” Ida May barked.

  Ida May can be a forceful woman at the best of times. I’ll never forget the time when she managed to convince the bingo hall to stay open an extra hour just by the strength of her voice and the pure look of indignant self-confidence that she carries around with her – in that instance the manager almost cried out of fear of the odd looking woman with bright orange hair. And if I didn’t know better, I’d say Gary wasn’t far off doing the same.

  “I’m a carpenter,” he replied weakly.

  “I see,” Ida May replied, cracking her neck as she cocked it viciously to one side. “Slow business at the moment?”

  Gary’s eyes flickered. “It’s been a rough couple of months, I suppose…”

  “And you supply furniture to this shop as well?”

  “Some of the time…”

  “I see,” Ida May muttered. She nodded thoughtfully before flashing a large smile at him and saying: “Very well, that’ll be all for the moment, thank you.”

  Without pausing for breath, she spun on her heels and marched her way out of the store with barely a second glance back inside. Gary watched her until she reached the door. It was only then that the uncontrollable urge finally overtook him:

  “Now, see here, who are you people?”

  I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.

  “Who we are isn’t the question I’d be asking,” I muttered, my eyes locking with Susan as she stepped out of the side room to see what all the commotion was about.

  “Oh? And what question would you be asking?”

  I leaned forward until my lips were right next to his ear.

  I whispered softly, but he heard every word:

  “What exactly was the point in her dragging me into that silly wardrobe?”

  I certainly didn’t have the answer. And – if I had to guess – neither did Gary. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure he understood the question… That's it folks...leave them confused as you sidle out the front door.

  Chapter Four – Money

  We didn’t return to the furniture shop again until the following day – no matter how excited Ida May felt about the case, and how much we both wanted Hazel to return to her regular sleuthing self, it was nothing compared to how eager she was to get the rocking chair back home. We spent the rest of the day squeezing it into her front room and then rearranging all the other furniture already there to make way for it…

  I say we spent the rest of the day. In reality, it was Percy who did most of the heavy lifting while Hazel and I contented ourselves with taking the short walk down to the coffee shop at the end of Ida May’s street and chatting about the case.

  I was surprised to find that Percy had agreed to join us when we went back the following day. I thought Percy might’ve learned his lesson and decided to stay well away, but it seemed I was wrong. Still, after driving a little way back into Amish country, he soon began to breathe heavily and his knuckles began to turn white as he became more frustrated with Hazel’s prattling and Ida May’s “Butch” jibes.

  By the time we reached the furniture store, I thought he might be better off staying in the van but, to my complete surprise, he turned to me and shook his head with a certainty that I hadn’t seen in him before.

  “Absolutely not,” he said quite forcefully. “I’m intrigued to see how you do it.”

  “How we do what?” I asked.

  “Solve your cases. I only ever seem to be involved in your crime solving endeavors as a catalyst to help you solve the investigation. If this were some work of fiction, doubtlessly I’d be labeled the insignificant aside character who’s only purpose is to advance the story at a key moment…”

  Hazel giggled so loudly that Ida May nearly leaped out of her skin.

  “Oh, Percy, you are silly…”

  “Well, that’s what I feel like,” he replied. “I want to see what you girls actually do…” He hesitated for a moment. “In truth, I want to be part of the action for once, rather than just watching it pass me by…”

  I turned to my companions. Hazel, still giggling slightly, shrugged her shoulders while Ida May stared at him curiously.

  “Why not, Butch?” she said eventually. “Hell, you could even be an honorary member of the We’re Not Dead Yet Club.”

  Percy looked positively overwhelmed and excited by the prospect. His face flushed with color and a large smile quickly spread across his face.

  “You mean it?”

  “I don’t see why not,” I agreed, nodding my head in confirmation. “We could even give you a role if you’d like…”

  “You mean it?”

  “Absolutely,” Hazel said, bringing a matter to a close.

  If Percy was in anyway frustrated when we left for the shop, by the time we stepped inside he was as giddy as a schoolboy. From the moment he stepped over the threshold, he began to follow in Ida May’s footsteps and make his way around the shop, scrutinizing each item of furniture like a bloodhound following a scent – although, in Percy’s case, it was rather like a bloodhound who wasn’t sure which scent to follow.

  When Susan caught sight of us, her eyes sparkled expectantly although her body seemed to stiffen with obvious tension.

  “Ladies,” she said, marching smartly up to us. “It’s so wonderful to see you again. I was worried you might not come back again…”

  “Are you kidding?” Hazel replied. “With the scent of a myst
ery in the air, you’d be hard pressed to stop us…”

  “Besides,” Ida May interrupted, nodding towards Percy. “I think your shop rather inspired our friend over there. He hasn’t been able to stop talking about it since we left.”

  Susan followed Ida May’s gaze until it settled on Percy who had chosen that exact moment to excitedly pounce at several small bedside cabinets that looked exactly alike and seemed to be analyzing each of them with minute detail. Ida May’s little con had its desired effect. Whatever Susan thought of us before, she visibly relaxed in that moment.

  “Well, you’re more than welcome,” she replied, smiling at us. “But as for your mystery, I fear it may not be as exciting as you hoped it might be.”

  “Why?” I asked. “Has there been any developments?”

  “Oh no,” she said back. “But I think my husband has a point. The problem may be less sinister and more… unfortunate…”

  Right on cue, a large clatter and crack rippled through the room as something heavy fell in the next room. As the three of us jumped slightly at the loud sound, Susan simply sighed and turned towards the door as a rather guilty-looking Betty wandered into the main shop…

  “I’m sorry, Susan,” she said hurriedly. “I knocked over some of the new orders. Only one is broken – but the rest are fine…”

  “It’s fine, Betty,” Susan replied, her eyes flashing with irritation even as she tried to hide her obvious anger. “Would you mind seeing to our customer?”

  Betty flashed us a quick smile before scurrying off to speak with Percy.

  “She tries hard,” Susan explained. “But I’m sure you’ll find that it’s moments like this that will provide an explanation to our little problem…”

  “You think Betty is stealing the furniture?” Hazel asked, her mouth dropping open with surprise and alarm.

  “No, no, nothing that awful. But, perhaps maybe she’s been breaking pieces more often than she’d like me to know about. She’s always been clumsy, but maybe she doesn’t want me to know when she’s letting me down…”