Pinched, Pilfered and a Pitchfork (We're Not Dead Yet Club Book 4)

by Constance Barker

  “Now that is not true…”

  Ida May reached forward and squeezed hard on his shoulder. “I think it’s best that you moved along now, Joe. Before you have yourself an accident…”

  Joe didn’t need telling twice. He shot up out of his seat so quickly that you’d have thought someone had placed a pin there and – with unusual sprightliness – he marched off down the street, occasionally throwing a backward glance in our direction.

  Percy chuckled heartily and took the recently vacated space.

  “Very good, ladies,” he said. “Only one problem. I didn’t buy the musket…”

  “There’s still time time, Butch…”

  “Besides,” I chipped in. “He wasn’t to know that…”

  “Yes,” Hazel replied, staring at a spot down the street. “Who’s up for chicken-poop bingo?”

  Had it been anyone else who’d suddenly suggested such a bizarre thing, I might have been concerned. But this was Hazel – and things are never bizarre where she’s concerned…

  Chapter Fourteen – Chicken-Poop Bingo

  I’d heard of chicken-poop bingo before – although, if I’m honest “poop” wasn’t quite the word that was used. In fact, if I was being totally truthful, I’d have to say that Hazel didn’t use the word “poop” either, much to the amusement of Ida May. But I deplore that kind of language so, for the sake of this narrative “poop” is the word I prefer, and “poop” is the word I shall use.

  We were a little unsure of where Hazel had gotten the idea from, or how she knew such an event was going on in the town. But we followed her down the street all the same.

  After a few short turns and twists, we found ourselves standing outside of a small, run down bar called “Tony’s”. Upon first glance it didn’t look like much; a dilapidated façade sitting snuggly between the other stores along the narrow street. But any misgivings I had were immediately put aside as a young – and rather hip looking couple – stepped in through the bar doors, immediately releasing a huge wave of cheering and whooping from the packed bar beyond.

  I shared a tentative look with Percy, but Hazel and Ida May had no such hesitation. As they plowed straight forward, I reluctantly followed, feeling Percy slide in behind me as we entered the busy, wood-clad bar.

  In the center of the bar, a large cage seemed to be the focal point of everyone’s attention. Standing beside the cage, a muscular man with a leather fedora tipped back on his head held up a chicken to the waiting crowd who cheered excitedly upon seeing it.

  I felt a small tug on my arm and followed Hazel and Ida May up to the bar where we bought our tickets. It certainly wasn’t like traditional bingo and, as I stared down at the old faded movie stub with the number 16 on it, I began to wonder whether I’d just been conned out of two dollars. A small wave of relief passed over me as I looked down at Ida May and Hazel’s stubs to find that they looked exactly the same save for the numbers.

  Ida May glanced up at Percy who, dressed in his Amish attire, was drawing a large amount of attention from the locals in the bar.

  “How about it, Butch? Are you going to play or what?”

  Percy stared back towards the cage and pondered it for a moment.

  “How does it work?”

  “Well, you buy a ticket,” Hazel began, holding up her own for Percy to examine. “The number relates to one of the numbers on the grid at the bottom of the cage…”

  She gestured vaguely towards the cage. I peered through a gap in the crowd to get a better look. Sure enough, along the bottom of the cage, someone had drawn a set of grid squares, each square with a number written inside it.

  “Then they release the chickens. They wander around for a bit and then – as chickens do – they go for a little poop. Whichever number they poop on, wins.”

  “Wins what?” Percy replied.

  “The chicken, Percy,” Ida May replied, rolling her eyes back in her skull. “Cash, you idiot.”

  “Are you going to play?”

  Percy glanced back at the cage for a moment. I could tell he was staring at the squares, trying to work out the odds. All the while, the locals kept shooting him curious looks until he finally nodded and paid over the two dollars. As he did, the whole crowd erupted into cheers – much to Percy’s confusion – and the muscular man at the front bellowed out:

  “Alright, let’s hear it for the Amish guy!”

  Blissfully unaware that all this attention was for his benefit, Percy allowed Hazel to lead him up towards the front of the crowd where the muscular man slowly lowered a single chicken into the cage before fishing out a second from behind his back and placing that in afterwards.

  I must admit, I found the experience of intently watching a chicken while I waited for it to poop immensely satisfying. But that was nothing compared to Ida May, who yelled constantly at the cage and kept making boo noises in a vague attempt to make the chicken’s natural bodily functions trigger on her desired number.

  It only took a minute or so before a groan finally was let out amongst the crowd as the chicken pooped on the number 32. The muscular man stared down at the number for a moment, before calling out to the crowd.

  “We have a winner,” he bellowed. “Who has number 32?”

  There was a moment of silence as several of the crowd checked their ticket stubs before, finally, I heard a great yelp of excitement as Percy jumped up and down behind me, flailing his ticket in the air.

  “I’ve got it,” he cried. “I’ve won…”

  He quickly raced over to the muscular man and presented his ticket. The man only needed to check once before nodding his confirmation and turning to the crowd:

  “Our winner is the Amish guy! Well done, Sport, we’ll make a local of you yet…”

  I think Percy might have corrected his mistake had he not been so excited about winning. Instead he took the winning ticket and quickly made his way through the crowd towards the bar, accepting the friendly pats on the back as he moved through them.

  I watched his progress towards the bar, smiling a little as Percy excitedly told anyone who would listen about his success in his first ever chicken-poop bingo game. It was then that I became aware of two figures moving through the crowd towards us, and an excited voice calling out:

  “Oooh. Hazel. Over here.”

  It was Susan and Betty. Hazel quickly turned and moved across the room to share a quick word with Betty. The two began giggling instantly as Hazel explained what had happened with Percy, leaving Susan to move towards myself and Ida May.

  “I didn’t expect to see you ladies here,” she said.

  Ida May nodded. “It was Hazel’s idea.”

  “Although we don’t know how she found out about it…”

  “Oh,” Susan replied. “That’ll be Betty who told her. She said she’d planned to meet Hazel here…”

  “I see…”

  Ida May and I exchanged glances. It seemed that Hazel wasn’t just being random after all.

  “Any news on the inventory?”

  Susan shook her head, her eyes dropping to stare at her feet.

  “Gary is looking at getting a second mortgage on his workshop…”

  “We heard,” Ida May replied. “We saw him a short while ago.”

  Susan smiled grimly. “I wouldn’t worry about it, ladies. The more I think about it, the more I suspect that I just made a terrible error in my accounting. I mean – there’s no other explanation is there?”

  “Unless someone has been breaking in at night?”

  “But who steals furniture when there’s a safe to break into? Besides, we would have noticed something amiss…”

  She had a point. Ida May and I exchanged solemn looks. Maybe it was just one big mistake on Susan’s part…

  “Like the alarm the other night?”

  Betty and Hazel had returned.

  Ida May reacted quickest. She blinked twice at Betty, and cocked her head slightly to one side as though to look at her a little clearer.

&nbs
p; “What alarm?”

  “The alarm in the shop?”

  “Yes. What alarm in the shop?”

  “The alarm in the shop last night.”

  “Yes. What about it?”

  Betty glanced back to Hazel who nodded comfortingly.

  “Well, it went off.”

  I glanced up at Susan. “You didn’t mention that before…”

  Susan shrugged. “It’s the first I’m hearing of it. Although, that alarm does have a habit of going off a random times. I used to go and check it out, but it always turned out to be nothing. I guess I just don’t notice it anymore…”

  “Who doesn’t notice an alarm going off in their own shop?”

  Susan glanced back at Ida May. “Well, I don’t – I guess…”

  Chapter Fifteen – Fond Farewells

  It was late when we finally left the bar. Instead of traipsing all the way back home, we decided to rent some rooms in a nearby motel and – the following afternoon, after much deliberation – we decided that we would leave the matter closed. Before we left though, we headed back to the furniture shop to pay one last visit to Susan before heading off.

  “Thanks for trying,” Susan said, smiling apologetically. “I’m sorry it has been such a great waste of your time.”

  “Oh, I don’t know about that,” Ida May said, staring pointedly at Hazel, who in turn tried her best not to make eye contact with Percy. “I don’t think the townsfolk will think the same of Amish people ever again…”

  Susan chuckled, her eyes flashing over to Percy. “Quite.”

  “But it has been lovely meeting you,” I finished, holding out my hand for her to shake.

  “And you.”

  “And I hope everything works out with your missing stock.”

  Susan shrugged. “Like I said, it’ll probably turn out to be nothing. I mean, Betty locks the back door every night and I always lock the front…”

  At that moment, Betty emerged from the backroom.

  “Sorry?”

  Susan chuckled and turned back to face her. “The back door. You lock it every night, don’t you?”

  Betty looked confused and shocked. She stared straight ahead, barely moving as Susan’s eyes narrowed on her.

  “Betty, you do lock the back door, don’t you?”

  “Of course, I do,” she replied. I could tell straight away that she wasn’t confident with her own answer. “I’m not stupid you know…”

  Susan laughed and turned back towards us. “You’re welcome to take whatever item you fancy from the shop,” she said. “As thanks for trying your best…”

  Ida May’s eyes lit up. “You are a treasure…”

  “No,” Percy fired back. “Not a hope in hell…”

  “Oh, come on Butch. There’s space in that great, big van of yours for one tinsy winsy bit of furniture…”

  “No more, Ida May!”

  The bickering lasted for a good few minutes. With each second that passed, Percy seemed to be getting more and more irate, and yet I could tell that Ida May was wearing him down. It wasn’t long before he was scrambling awkwardly through the store door carrying a large wooden chair while muttering about how much he was being taken advantage of…

  As the wood clattered against the doorframe, Susan moved across the room to help him out. With a quick glance around to make sure that Betty was distracted, I grabbed out for Ida May and Hazel’s hand and, before they could say anything to stop me, I dragged them into the wardrobe by the side room entrance and closed the door behind me.

  “Clara – what on earth…?”

  “Shhh,” I hissed. “Stay quiet.”

  Hazel and Ida May did as I asked. It took a moment or two for the clattering to stop and for Susan to close the door behind Percy before we heard a little cry of:

  “Oh.”

  A second or two passed before we heard Susan move across the shop floor and call out:

  “Betty?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are the ladies with you?”

  We heard Betty’s shoes clip-clopping along the floor as she shuffled in from the side room.

  “No. Are they with you?”

  “No,” replied Susan. “Otherwise why would I be asking?”

  “Oh. Good point.”

  “They must have gone out through the back door. Unless you locked it already?”

  “No, I forgot. I will do it in a minute.”

  “Alright,” Susan replied. She seemed to slump down in a chair near to where we hid in the wardrobe. Even through the door, we could hear the wood creaking as she gently rocked back and forth.

  “We’d best close up for the day. We’re unlikely to get anymore customers today.”

  “Alright, Susan…”

  We heard Betty move back into the side room to collect her belongings…

  “I’ll go out the front, do you mind locking up the back?”

  “Of course, Susan. Don’t I always?”

  There was a little shuffle of movement as Susan headed towards the front entrance and Betty moved to the back. There was a brief exchange of “Goodnight” before we heard both women leave through their respective doors.

  Ida May elbowed me in the chest. “Clara – what the hell are you up to…”

  “Shhh… Listen.”

  We listened in silence. From the front door, we could hear the jangle of keys and the lock click into place. From the back, we only heard the echo of the door being slammed shut. We waited in the dark for a moment or two longer before, I nodded slowly and pushed open the wardrobe door.

  It was still light outside, so there wasn’t much difficulty for us to creep out into the shop and avoid the protruding furniture that was dotted around the place. I quickly made my way round to the side room, and headed straight for a small alarm panel in the corner of the office.

  “Alright, Clara, what’s the game?” Ida May asked, folding her arms over each other and staring at me with marked irritation.

  “Hide and seek?” suggested Hazel, who busied herself with inspecting a small coffee table off to one side.

  I shuffled back into the main room and moved across to the back door.

  “The alarm isn’t on.”

  “So what?” Ida May shot back. “Susan said the thing kept going off for no reason. They’ve probably decided against using it at the moment…”

  “When furniture is going missing all the time? Doesn’t seem sensible to me…” I turned the handle and felt the door creak open a tad. “Back door is unlocked as well. Didn’t Susan ask Betty to lock it just now?”

  The room fell silent. Hazel stopped examining her coffee table and stared up at me, her mouth falling open and her eyes widening with fear.

  “Clara,” she whispered. “You don’t think Betty…”

  “Susan said they didn’t think there were any break ins. And yet, within seconds of Susan asking Betty to lock the back door, she conveniently forgets…”

  Hazel shook her head. “I don’t believe it. What about the alarm? Why would she let it go off all those times?”

  “Maybe she doesn’t know the code. Let’s face it she isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer…”

  Ida May shook her head. “I don’t buy it. If she has a key, why bother leaving it unlocked at all? She can just come back and open it up again. I know she’s an idiot but she’s not that stupid…”

  “Betty is not an idiot,” Hazel replied adamantly. “And nor is she a thief…”

  “Maybe not,” I agreed. “But this does lend ourselves to one certain possibility. Whether she knows she’s doing it or not, Betty is allowing the thief to enter with no trouble…”

  “You’re assuming there is a thief!”

  I nodded. “Yes. But I can do one better. I think I can make a pretty good guess as to who the thief is…”

  “You can?”

  “Who is it?”

  “All in good time,” I replied. “If I’m not very much mistaken, the thief will make an appearance at som
e point tonight.”

  Chapter Sixteen – The Stakeout

  We settled down for our vigil, taking up various positions around the store. I found myself a nice seat in the far corner close to the back door while Ida May stretched her feet out on the desk in the side room. As for Hazel, she opted to hide herself back inside the wardrobe and – despite trying to explain to her that it wasn’t necessary – she insisted on closing the door behind her. For the next five minutes, the strangest set of creaking and rustling sounds emanated from the wardrobe as she tried to get herself comfortable before she finally gave up, popped out to grab a small stool and disappeared back inside once again.

  It was a good half an hour before I felt my cellphone begin to vibrate. As I stared down at the caller ID, I gasped so loudly that Ida May instantly popped her head round the side office door to find out what had upset me.

  “It’s Percy,” I whispered urgently. “I’d forgotten about him!”

  Ida May laughed silently. “Well, you better answer it. We can’t have him giving the game away.”

  I agreed. I pushed the receive button and held the cellphone firmly against my ear.

  “Percy, I can’t talk right now!”

  “Where is Hazel?” Percy sounded angry. “Where the hell is she?”

  “She’s here with me. Why? What’s wrong?”

  “No chickens, she said. She promised me. I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes loading Ida May’s stupid chair into the back of my van, and what do you think I found littered all over the floor?”

  I thought for a moment. “Chicken poop?”

  “Chicken poop,” he repeated. “It’s like a game of chicken bingo in here.”

  “Well, that’s not a bad thing. Maybe you can win a bit more money…”

  “That’s not funny, Clara!” Percy sighed deeply. “Where is she anyway? I want to talk to her.”

  “She’s in the wardrobe.”

  It seemed like the most sensible thing to say given the circumstances.

  “Of course she is. Any particularly reason why, or did she hear I was after her blood?” He paused for a moment. “Where are you anyway? I came back to the store but it was all closed up…”