Nobody's Goddess (The Never Veil)

by Amy McNulty

  I smiled sweetly. “Oh, but I’m not allowed to go to the wedding.” I guided another white pawn two steps forward. “Apparently.”

  “You are, as you so rightly point out to me, a woman. You are free to come and go as you please.” His favored black knight jumped from behind, slaying another white pawn.

  “Let’s not lie to each other.” I sent another pawn two steps forward, not pausing to think of the danger it might face. “We are, after all, the only two people who can keep each other company in this castle. Since the rest are silent—or sleeping.”

  “It is not my speech that has the power to command your actions.” His knight jumped again, pouncing on another white pawn that hadn’t yet left the last line of defense. “You need only order me not to stop you from going, and you will find yourself able to walk out my front door.”

  “And I will also find a knife sent straight into my mother’s chest.” I sent another white pawn two spaces forward without much thought, eager to let it sacrifice itself and get the worthless piece out of my way.

  He laughed and sent the black queen out into the battlefield to take the bold white pawn that had ventured too close on its own to the black army. “Well, well. It appears that you are not the only one in this coupling with power.”

  I bit down violently on my tongue for a moment. I moved a pawn one step closer to the black stronghold, sending it deeper into danger. “It’s a pity you weren’t born with yours.”

  “Was I not?” He sent a black pawn forward one space to take the white pawn head-on.

  “I don’t think even being born the lord of the castle equates to the power of the lowliest woman in the village.” I suddenly noticed a white pawn with the opening to take a black pawn off-guard and slew the pawn before it could do any damage.

  “Oh, I would have to disagree.” The black pawn that had just recently entered the battlefield avenged its fallen ally by taking the white pawn that had dealt it such a swift blow. “After all, doesn’t everyone in the village say the lord is always watching?”

  I wrapped my hand around a white bishop in the last line of defense and paused, a chill running up my arm to my shoulder. I thought of how long my mother suffered, and he hadn’t done a thing until I’d asked. “Watching, perhaps, when it strikes his fancy.”

  The lord shrugged and crossed his arms. He wouldn’t take my bait. “In any case, I seem to be the only fool with the wherewithal and the means necessary to stand with his goddess as her equal.”

  “As her equal?” I lifted the bishop and moved it one careful step diagonally. “I’m surprised you give me that much credit.”

  “I have no choice but to admit your power.” His black queen sped diagonally from one side of the battlefield to another, spearing a white rook without my ever noticing it had been in danger.

  I yanked up a white knight and let it leap closer to the action. “And that bothers you, doesn’t it?”

  The black queen zipped horizontally and took out the white queen in one blow. How stupid I had been. I had lost my most powerful piece before she even set one foot upon the battlefield.

  The lord laughed, but I knew he wasn’t scoffing at my foolish move.

  “I have to admit there was quite a lot to celebrate in being so long without my goddess,” said the lord once his laughter subsided. “There was no need to concern myself so much with the needs of another.” In the sunlight, I saw the embroidery on his jacket clearly for the first time. Roses and thorns. “Check.”

  So much for the lord’s altruism and concern for the villagers. I picked up the white king and moved him one small, pathetic step forward out of harm’s way. After the pawns, the king was actually the most useless piece, I was glad to notice. Why were all of the other pieces fighting so valiantly to protect this man too powerless to defend himself?

  “Well, there was plenty I enjoyed before you found your goddess, too.”

  “Whether that is true or not, I am afraid you have lost far less than I.” He left the black queen to hover dangerously close to the white king and entertained himself by sending a black bishop across the field. It felled the white knight that had so recently entered the fight without even one kill to its name.

  “I find that hard to believe.” I grinned. I’d nearly forgotten the pawns that managed to survive the brutal slaying by more powerful enemies actually had a hidden power that made their existence worthwhile after all. I moved one of the last white pawns forward one small space.

  “You know nothing, you silly girl!” His black knight leaped again to slay an unsuspecting white bishop, a powerful casualty, but a piece I could do without now.

  I pushed my pawn forward one more space. “I know that you leave behind no family, no friends to be with me. I know that it is you who demands I be here rather than setting me free and moving to the commune.”

  His hands clenched the edge of the table, like he dared to hope the stone would crumble underneath his pathetic grasp. “The lord of the village does not move into the commune.”

  I drummed the fingers of my right hand on the stone table and cradled my cheek with my left. “That’s right. Because you are a man with power.”

  “Are you so selfish?” He slammed the table with the palm of his hand. “That you would rather see a man wither than simply be with him? I could give you anything you desire. You would not want for comforts. I do not need your heart, I just need you!”

  I bit my tongue and let the sting of pain shoot through me for a moment before releasing it and gesturing toward the game board. “It’s your move. I can’t let you win without at least a proper fight.”

  A black-gloved hand grabbed that black knight again, and it jumped around the board searching for prey, landing in an empty patch of the battlefield. His voice grew quiet. “You were born to torment me.”

  “I think the same of you.” I pushed the sluggish pawn one more space forward, passing up an opportunity to take out an overconfident knight that had yet to join the fray in order to make it to the edge of the board without notice.

  I ground my teeth together until they hurt. “I’d like that pawn to become a queen now. And checkmate.”

  The lord stood, upturning the game board with both hands. The bone figures went flying across the garden, the captured white queen caught tightly between the roses’ thorns.

  When the day of Elfriede and Jurij’s wedding arrived, I expected nothing. The air was clear, and I thought I might be able to watch from my window at the very least. But I decided that would be more painful than not looking. If I was honest, it wasn’t the wedding I truly wanted to see, but the groom, even if for just a short while.

  I hadn’t seen the lord since our chess game almost a week prior. He didn’t show even for dinner. The specters brought food to me in the garden or in my room.

  That morning, the specters didn’t retreat from my room after they set down the tray. I asked them to leave me, but they didn’t. I yanked the spoon off of the tray and ate my fill, watching the specters warily. Only once I finished did they stir, a couple cleaning the table of my breakfast, and a few more heading to my chest full of dresses. They withdrew a pale lavender gown that I hadn’t remembered seeing before. But I’d paid such little attention to the fancy dresses.

  A couple of specters appeared at my side, forced my arms up, and began to tug at my nightshirt.

  “Stop! What are you doing?”

  The specters shifted backward, and I thought I could see a flicker of flame in the red pools of their eyes. Then the spark died out and they were back beside me, tugging on my shirt.

  I slapped at the nearest hand. “All right! But I’ll do that part myself, remember?”

  The specters let go, and I walked behind the small screen where I could change into a slip in private. It was what I had done the week before, when I had asked them for help in dressing in that white gown.

  I sighed and stepped out from around the screen, letting the specters fly into action. They slipped the gown over my
head, then brushed my hair and worked in violet ribbons and lilies through the black tendrils. Purple lilies. Like the ones from the hilltops back home.

  When they were finished with their work, two specters began tugging on my arms, and I struggled to break free. “Let me go!”

  Both sets of hands loosened slightly. Then they tightened and started propelling me forward again.

  “I’ll follow you, I promise, just let me go!”

  They stopped. After a moment, they began walking in front of me. I straightened out my sleeves and followed behind them.

  We walked down the stairs, through the empty entryway, and out the front door. The black carriage waited for me, its doors wide open.

  The specters paused before the carriage, spread to either side of the pathway, and gestured inside. I took a deep breath and propelled myself up the step, using one of the specters’ extended hands to steady myself. A surge of panic implanted itself deep in my chest as I peered inside.

  But the carriage was empty. He had let me attend the wedding, and he had not even spoiled the day by appearing himself. I didn’t know what I’d done to “deserve” the courtesy of attending my own sister’s wedding, but I was going to make the most of the opportunity as it was presented to me. I sat down, the doors shut, and I heard the quiet clop of the black horses as we headed down the dirt pathway.

  ***

  I heard rehearsing musicians first, followed by the chirping of birds. The smell of the baker’s bread and something sweet tickled my nostrils. Quiet murmuring like a hive full of bees grew louder—and all of that noise suddenly snapped into silence.

  The carriage stopped. The door opened. A white hand extended inside. I grabbed it and pulled myself out.

  Nearly the entire village was gathered in the knolls among the lily-strewn hilltops. There were chairs, benches, and blankets arranged into rows along either side of the dirt road into the village. Of course, the ceremony took place in the opposite direction of the castle. Too many girls and women would be watching to chance one glancing upward if facing east. At the top of the westernmost hill stood a wooden arch and Elweard, Vena’s unmasked husband and the tavern master, if only in name. He was the most popular choice for village witness to a union. It had to do with the discount you got on ale as a result. Vena liked to have Elweard feel important, as long as it didn’t interfere in the running of her business.

  At first I didn’t see any of the faces I’d hoped to see. And then Alvilda, looking stunning in a red gown, jumped up from the front of the left row of chairs. “Noll!”

  I saw a wooden duck-face and a beaming smile below a mop of bushy dark hair pop up on the chairs next to her. Luuk. Nissa.

  Alvilda picked up her skirt slightly and ran down the hill toward me, not noticing or caring that she kicked up dirt in the nearest seated people’s faces.

  She crossed the distance in mere moments, almost as quick as any of the specters could, and wrapped me tightly in her embrace. She pulled back only to kiss me atop the head.

  “I’m so glad to see you!” She grabbed my chin in her hand and turned my face to and fro. The calluses on her hand irritated my skin like sandpaper.

  “You look well fed.” She moved her hands down to meet mine and pulled my arms outward, observing my new garment. “You look like a lady. Elegant. Beautiful.” She leaned in to whisper, “And not at all like yourself.”

  I smiled and squeezed her hands. “I’m so happy to see you, Alvilda. It’s been a long winter.”

  Alvilda put her arm around my shoulder, guiding me up the dirt path and toward the arch. I heard the specters and the black carriage move behind me, but when I turned to look, they had only moved to the side of the path and were still close enough to keep an eye on me. Alvilda propelled me forward and kept her voice low, but countless pairs of eyes—human and animal-masked ones alike—drank in every movement we made as we ascended the dirt road.

  “I imagine you’re anxious to see your father and your sister,” she said. “And Jurij,” she added in a lower tone. “But you’ve arrived mere moments before the ceremony is to begin. Come sit with Siofra, the kids, and me, and let’s surprise them.”

  The kids jumped out of their seats and ran to hug me both at once, screaming, “Noll!” The duck beak on Luuk’s face poked into my chest.

  “Careful, Luuk,” said Alvilda, gently pushing his shoulders back. “You’ll stab Noll through the heart with that beak.”

  We laughed. I squeezed them both back, ignoring the poke. I tapped Nissa on the back of the head, and then bent one hand upward awkwardly to pat Luuk’s curls that stuck up and out above the duck mask.

  “You’ve certainly grown!” I let my hands fall, feeling sort of stupid for petting the kid atop the head. Another half a yard, and he’d be as tall as his brother.

  “Thanks,” said Luuk, tucking both hands into pockets in his fine dark trousers. Even through the muffled sound of his duck beak, I thought his voice sounded lower. And without so much as a hint of the quivering that used to accompany his every word.

  Nissa, a little beauty in a cream-colored silken dress, put her arm through Luuk’s. “Isn’t he getting to be so handsome?” That made Alvilda laugh, but she was quick to bite her lip and cover it with the side of her hand, pretending she had a sudden itch beneath her nose.

  “Yes, of course!” I’d have said I’d have to take her word on that, but I knew since he was still breathing that Nissa had never seen his face, either. Still, the way her young, dark eyes drank in the wooden duck, I might have been able to believe she saw beneath it to the wonder she thought lay inside. “And I love your dress, too.”

  Nissa blushed. “I made it with Siofra.”

  So they were on a first-name basis. I supposed it made sense since she was to be her future gooddaughter, the same as Elfriede. Nissa finally tore her eyes off of Luuk long enough to look at what I was wearing. “We made yours, too!”

  “Did you?” I turned in place and let the skirt swish beneath me with a sudden appreciation for the fine skirts and dresses I’d refused before. “It’s lovely. You’re so talented.”

  Nissa beamed. “Thanks. We made it last month. The lord paid so well for it, too. We had enough copper left over to buy silk for my dress and for Siofra’s, and for Alvilda’s too.”

  At the sound of her name again, Mistress Tailor finally decided to join in the conversation in her own curt way. “Luuk, Nissa, be seated. It’s about to begin.”

  Luuk and Nissa sat back down in their chairs at the end of the row, their hands clasped together. Alvilda guided me a tad forcefully into a seat between her and Mistress Tailor, who looked as pretty as I’d ever seen her in a muted green dress. Mistress Tailor didn’t seem happy to see me, but I supposed I was unintentionally making a fuss at her elder son’s wedding.

  My stomach clenched. I’d been so happy to win this bit of freedom that I hadn’t quite faced the fact that the man I loved would move beyond my grasp for a second time. But that was unfair. I already knew that he was long, long ago swept away out of my reach.

  Alvilda squeezed my hand and pointed to the arch towering over Elweard. “How do you like my gift to the coupling?”

  The arch looked familiar. “The headboard?”

  Alvilda laughed. “It started off as one, but I had a burst of inspiration that told me this just had to be a wedding arch.” She lowered her voice even further and whispered in my ear. “That and I love to tease Siofra. She hates useless gifts. When she saw it, she thought I wasn’t going to make them a headboard at all, and I got an earful about always forgoing common sense to suit my poor choices. It was fun.” She smiled, and I witnessed an odd flash of something I didn’t recognize cross her features.

  The music started, the dainty tune that heralded the bride and her parents’ arrival at the ceremony. The bride’s mother usually stood among them to emphasize the maternal cycle, an act the groom’s mother did not share with her son. I thought of Mother lying in the castle for a moment and felt ill.
Then I shook my head to clear the stirring of venom and turned with the rest of the villagers to watch as Elfriede and Father came down the first hill and ascended the second, being sure to keep my eyes downward, off the horizon. I don’t want to see the castle anyway.

  She looked beautiful, as fair as ever in a deep-violet gown I imagined to be the work of Mistress Tailor’s. It was not unlike my own, although Elfriede’s had real, live lily blooms woven into the material. Father stood beside her, a man-face mask hiding his face from me. Elfriede’s features fell when she noticed me. Then she smiled, only a slight touch of pain remaining on her face.

  They reached the top of the hill, and Father removed his mask and threw it at the ground. His eyes wandered in my direction briefly, his features as cold as stone, but his gaze was quickly drawn away to the hill.

  The music switched to the hearty march that signaled the arrival of the groom and his father. Jurij and Master Tailor came over the lily-covered hill, both wearing masks. Jurij’s was the man-face mask like the one he’d worn to his Returning, and Master Tailor’s was also man in form, a mask I’d never before seen him wear.

  When they arrived at the top of the second hill and took their places beside Elfriede and my father, Jurij removed his mask and tossed it on the ground, leaning in toward Elfriede for a quick kiss. Master Tailor removed his man-face mask to reveal his favorite owl mask underneath. The villagers laughed. Mistress Tailor shifted uncomfortably beside me.

  Jurij, his back toward me, didn’t seem to have noticed me. There was nothing in all of the land that could tear him from Elfriede. The happiness on his face slipped only slightly when he noticed the furrowed brow on Elfriede’s expression. But she soon regarded her pain in his reflection and put on her best smile. Unlike me, she could genuinely and completely shift from pain to joy. But she had Jurij, and I had nothing.

  I watched the ceremony and felt the pain of the Returning flood back. Once they exchanged the last of their vows and the final kiss of the ritual, they headed back down the dirt path together hand in hand. As their feet disappeared over the hilltop toward my home, my heart sank, and I wondered if he was watching. If this was indeed why I’d been able to go, if this was what he’d wanted me to see.