Diary of a Crush: Kiss and Make Up

by Sarra Manning

  At the end of the class, it just became worse. As I got up to leave, I brushed past him and he turned to look at me. ‘You all right then?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said and I walked out.

  30th June

  You know, I don’t think I want to keep a diary any more. What’s the point? I read back what I’ve written in here and it just makes it hurt all over again.

  I don’t really like who I am at the moment, I don’t see Shona because she’s Dylan’s friend and I know I won’t be able to hang out with her and not want to know how he is. And I scuttle straight home these days, I don’t go to Fritzsch’s and I don’t go clubbing because I just can’t bear to see him. He always says hi and it’s worse than him not talking to me at all.

  7th July

  To: artboy@hotmail.com

  From: cutiesnowgirl@hotmail.com

  Hey Dylan

  I just thought I’d let you know that I’m going to be spending the next couple of months in Brighton at my grandparents. I think my mum and dad are still in a state of shock that I want to spend the summer so sedately.

  I just need to sort myself out a bit.

  I spoke to Mia a little while ago and she told me what happened that day. I kinda wish that maybe you could have told me instead but you didn’t. Maybe it was better that we split up, we seemed to fight a lot, didn’t we? And I always got the feeling that you thought I was immature. Like, I acted too young or something.

  For what it’s worth, I’ve done a lot of thinking and you are right. I didn’t trust you enough but it’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t want to let you into his life. I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out between us and I wanted you to know that.

  I think about you a lot and I do miss you. I feel like I’ve changed a lot since it all went wrong and now I can see that I should never have forced you to go out with me. I hope we can still be friends. When I get back from Brighton in September, maybe we can go to the cinema or something?

  Anyway, just wanted to clear the air between us.

  Have a good summer and take care,

  Edie

  10th September

  I’m back in Manchester and I’ve decided to keep a diary again. It was either that or walk around talking to myself all day. So summer was good, much better than I expected. The edited highlights:

  •

  I gained all the weight I lost from being ill due to my grandmother stuffing me full of home-cooked food all day. Like I was a pig going to market.

  •

  I caught up with all my old friends and that was good. It wasn’t as good as it used to be but we had a laugh.

  •

  I read every single Jane Austen novel.

  •

  I went to Cornwall for a week to stay with the other grandparents and went to a rave on the beach. I had a bit of a holiday romance with this surfer boy called Marcus. He tried to teach me how to surf; I didn’t get it. I tried to teach him about Jane Austen; he didn’t get it. But the kissing was OK. It wasn’t even a tenth as good as certain kisses I’ve had but I figure it’s like falling off a horse. You have to get straight back on.

  •

  I had highlights put in my hair so now it is truly blonde.

  •

  And one last thing – I got my groove back. I can’t believe how I became this total misery chick before I went to Brighton. Well, I’m just so over all of that. I’m over him.

  13th September

  I went clubbing with Nat and Trent and was just coming out of the loo when I spotted Dylan. I’d forgotten how he could make me feel just by looking at me with that half-smile of his. Except I was totally over him now and his art-boy charms no longer worked on me. As I walked calmly over to him, I certainly wasn’t thinking about how I wanted his arms around me. Not one little bit.

  ‘Hey you,’ I said to him, smiling because I didn’t have a care in the world.

  Dylan didn’t look unpleased to see me but then he didn’t exactly look like all his birthdays had come at once. ‘Oh hey,’ he replied, tugging at the collar of his shirt. ‘So you’re back?’

  ‘Looks like it, doesn’t it?’ I tossed my newly-blonder hair over my shoulder and raised my eyebrows at him. ‘So how have you been?’

  I was so busy trying to appear cool and yet ultimately unavailable that it seemed like a really good idea not to make eye contact with Dylan. Over the summer I’d turned him into a shorter, scrawnier, sloppily dressed version of the real thing. And now standing by the cigarette machine with the actual tall, lean and, OK, still sloppily dressed real thing was unsettling. Had his eyes always been that piercing? Or his bottom lip so full that I wanted to take it between my teeth and bite it?

  I was so intent on trying not to stare at Dylan that when he took hold of my hands, I gave a start. ‘I missed you,’ he was saying. ‘I wanted to get in touch with you but then stuff came up.’

  My stupid, foolish heart, which was always going to get me into trouble, stopped beating for a second. ‘What kind of stuff?’

  ‘Who’s this?’ said a voice behind me. I turned round to see this beautiful girl with long red hair standing, glaring at me. She sidled up to Dylan and wrapped an arm round his waist before repeating herself. ‘Who the hell is this, Dylan?’

  14th September

  What kind of stupid name is Veronique anyway? No-one’s called Veronique! No-one except Dylan’s new girlfriend! Yeah, that’s how much he was missing me! He was so busy pining over me that he managed to cop off with some stupid posh girl from Cheshire. I mean, whatever.

  And she so dyes her hair.

  I even tried talking to Mum today. I was that desperate. She was all like, ‘I know Dylan’s very special to you but getting over your first serious boyfriend is always hard.’ Thanks Mum, way to go.

  17th September

  Shona wasn’t much more help. Apparently Dylan met ‘Veronique’ on this open day at the university and she’s studying Performance Art but Shona was tight-lipped about anything else.

  ‘I don’t want to get involved Edie,’ she said while we were meant to be watching the new Emma Stone film and getting tutted at for talking by this saddo man sitting behind us. ‘I’m not taking sides.’

  Paul was waiting outside the cinema. They were going to some party. I wasn’t really into it but then Paul said, ‘Look, Edie, I think Dylan and Veronique (her name just gets more and more pretentious every time I hear it!) are going. It could be awkward.’

  I looked to Shona for support. She put an arm round my shoulders. ‘You wouldn’t make a scene, would you, hon?’

  I shrugged her off furiously. ‘Oh I see, it’s all right for Dylan to be a two-timing git and break my heart and then go out with someone else without even having a decent break-up interval but if I get upset, it’s all “Oh there’s Edie being all hysterical”,’ I screamed hysterically. ‘I don’t want to go to the stupid party anyway.’

  Then I stormed off in the opposite direction to the bus stop and had to walk home.

  27th September

  Nat is the only one who understands. While I was away Nat and Trent split up. Trent’s off to university while Nat’s staying behind and they had this big fight about whether long-distance relationships could work.

  We spend all our time together watching weepy movies and eating ice cream. I’m allowed to rant on about Dylan as long as Nat can do the same about Trent. But he doesn’t have any answers. Only questions along the lines of, ‘Why are boys so insensitive?’ and ‘How come two fabulous people like us are on our own?’

  He’s like the Carrie Bradshaw of Manchester. Except gay and a boy.

  1st October

  Just when it couldn’t get any worse Mum decided that I needed to get a part-time job. I hate it when she goes into one of her Edie efficiency drives. She’s stopped my allowance! And even worse, she’s got me an interview at the Sunshine Café next door to Rhythm Records where Dylan works.

>   I think sometimes she lies in bed at night and plots ways to make my life suck.

  There can be no other explanation.

  3rd October

  I got the job! Anna, who owns the café, was very impressed with my tea-making abilities (it’s all to do with how many times you dunk the tea bag). She’s a little hippy woman who told me that she realised that serving up carrot cake was never going to make her rich and so she branched out into fry-ups. Actually she’s nice and funny, though she should probably re-think the tie-dye leggings. They’re so not a good look.

  I’m going to work Saturdays and Wednesday and Thursday afternoons when I don’t have college. Anna said it would be a good idea if I could smile a bit more but as long as I could wash up and carry two plates at once I was hired. I might as well get paid for it instead of doing it at home for free.

  11th October

  Dylan came into the café today. Even though I hate him I still love him too. I don’t have the answers to that one.

  He looked really sad when he saw me walking over. Probably because he couldn’t believe that he used to date someone who was now employed as a skivvy.

  ‘Hey Edie,’ he said softly. ‘I thought you’d disappeared off the face of the earth.’

  It killed me but I managed to summon up a smile so wide it made my face ache. ‘Nope, I’m still here. Are you ready to order?’

  I could feel his eyes on me while I made coffees and recited the specials. When I went to clear his table, he’d left me a note saying ‘Call me’. Yeah. I’ll see him in hell first. And then later on in the afternoon, Dylan’s mate Simon came in and I suddenly realised where I could find the answers.

  We chatted while I took his order and then I asked him if he fancied going for a drink later. I’ve never actually asked a boy out before but it wasn’t like I was asking Simon out out and he didn’t seem to think there was anything weird about it.

  I’d never really got to know Simon. He always seemed so… adult with his glamorous girlfriends and steady stream of sarcastic remarks. He’s sort of intense and I’d always felt that he didn’t approve of me and Dylan. Like he thought I was really shallow because I moaned about my parents and made Dylan take me to see films with cute boys in them.

  Anyway we went to the pub and he ordered me a beer and I didn’t want to seem uncool so I drank it and tried not to pull a face. We talked about Brighton and Simon’s new job at a design company. We had a couple more beers and then I started asking my questions. But Simon wasn’t biting.

  ‘Look Edie,’ he said brutally, tearing up his beermat with great vigour. ‘You went running off at the first sign of trouble. Why should you care who he’s seeing? You spent all your time giving Dylan grief so you can’t blame him for bailing out.’

  ‘But he kissed Mia,’ I whimpered. It sounded really lame and about time I just let it go.

  ‘Or she kissed him,’ said Simon. ‘Whatever. It was bloody months ago! Why are you still obsessing about it?’

  ‘So is he serious about Veronique?’ I asked, running a finger down the condensation on my pint glass.

  Simon shrugged and tried to hide his amused smile. ‘Ask him yourself, babes.’

  ‘This is all a big joke to you,’ I hissed at him. ‘You think I’m some stupid little kid. Well, I’m not. You don’t know how much I’m hurting.’

  He had the nerve to actually laugh, like my hurt was really not that important in the grand scheme of things. ‘You’ve had too much to drink. C’mon I’ll take you home.’

  I put a hand on his arm as he tried to stand up. ‘Simon, please. I know you think I’m some silly little girl and I’m not cool or pretty…’

  Simon gave my hand a squeeze and sat down again. ‘I don’t think that Edie,’ he said quietly. ‘Yeah, you’re not what Dylan needs but I always thought you were cute. Very cute.’

  I had had too much to drink ’cause next thing I’m whispering, ‘Do you really think I’m cute?’ and leaning forward so Simon could kiss me.

  He did kiss me. Hard. With his hand cupping the back of my head so I couldn’t get loose. And I didn’t really want to. It was a really fantastic kiss but it wasn’t the answer. Then we were both pulling away at the same time.

  ‘That was a mistake…’ we gasped in unison.

  13th October

  Nat and I went and sat on the wall by the Art block to check out the new intake of Art Foundation students or ‘the autumn collection’ as he calls it. I’m strictly window-shopping and failing to see anyone who would bring out the blue in my eyes.

  Dylan and Simon came into the café again and Dylan acted like everything was cool between us. I wondered if he’d ever speak to me again if he knew that I’d kissed Simon.

  Then that stupid Veronique came in with Shona who hasn’t returned my calls since I had that hissy fit at her outside the cinema. They were being like best friends or something while I had to wait on them! They could have the decency to find another place to hang out.

  The whole thing made me feel really crappy. I used to be where Veronique was – with Dylan’s arm round my shoulders and Shona laughing at my jokes. They didn’t even leave a decent tip!

  16th October

  When I finished work today, Dylan was waiting for me outside. When I saw him slouched against the wall in his scuffed leather jacket and his black cords, I felt such a sharp pang of longing that it almost made me gasp.

  I looked skanky. My hair was scraped back into a ponytail (albeit a very blonde ponytail); I was wearing my tattiest jeans and a holey cardigan.

  ‘Hey you,’ he murmured.

  ‘Look, it’s late, I’m tired, make it quick,’ I muttered, not looking at him.

  ‘Oh Eeds,’ Dylan sighed. ‘Can we just go for a drive and sort things out?’

  I thought about it for precisely five seconds. ‘I s’pose so.’

  We ended up driving all the way to Blackpool. It’s hard to explain but sitting next to Dylan in the tiny confines of his car and him driving me somewhere – it suddenly felt like we were cocooned away from the rest of the world. I thought we’d stay like that forever and just keep driving. Or maybe I just wished it. Neither of us really spoke but it would have killed the mood or the truce that we’d declared as soon as I let Dylan help me into the passenger seat.

  In fact, we didn’t say much until we were sat in a shelter on the prom, sharing a bag of chips and bracing ourselves against the stiff, salt-tinged breeze that swept in from the sea.

  ‘C’mon then, talk,’ I said once the chips had gone and my lips were sore from the wind and the sharp tang of the vinegar.

  Dylan leant back on the seat and looked at me consideringly. ‘So… Mia kissed me. Not the other way round but every time I thought about telling you, it just sounded lame. Like a really crap excuse. What else? Well, I started going out with Veronique because we were finished according to your email and… I’d do anything to be your friend, Edie. I miss you so much.’

  I sat there, trying to take it all in. And I knew he was telling the truth about everything. It made what I had to say so much harder.

  ‘I kissed Simon the other week after I’d had too much to drink,’ I said very quietly and I wasn’t sure he’d even heard me over the howl of the wind.

  Then Dylan was hugging me tightly and I wrapped my arms around him and never wanted him to let me go. ‘Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Edie, I don’t mind. I just want us to…’

  ‘But I want you to mind!’ I cried, fighting to get out of his embrace when only a second before I’d wanted to stay there forever. ‘I want you to be angry ’cause then I’ll know that you loved me.’

  Dylan gently took hold of my chin. ‘But I did love you.’

  ‘You never once told me that.’

  ‘I’ll always love you Edie,’ Dylan whispered right into my ear. ‘But it wasn’t working out. I made you unhappy, you made me unhappy and now we need to move on. So, please, let’s just do the friend thing.’

  I leant forward
and kissed him really softly on the lips. Maybe there were a couple of tears trickling down my face but I could probably pass them off as my eyes watering due to the gusts rolling in across the waves.

  ‘OK, friends then.’ I sniffed. ‘And what the hell is Shona’s problem anyway?’

  Dylan laughed and threw his arm round my shoulder so I could nestle against him to keep warm. Which is what he probably wanted me to think but I couldn’t help but fixate on how he’d just said that he’d always love me. So, what he meant was that he did love me. He loved me. And he still loves me. Which is why I’m not buying this friends crap. He wouldn’t be going out with Veronique if I hadn’t written that stupid, confused email before I went to Brighton. And if he still loves me, it means that anything could happen. Which is why I agreed to meet him and his new university friends for drinks when he was driving me back home. Plus I really want to suss out Veronique.