Diary of a Crush: Kiss and Make Up

by Sarra Manning

  Carter and I sat and watched a couple of bands and I thought, this is good, this is what normal couples at a festival do, as we sat on the grass, holding hands and sipping lukewarm lager.

  In between sets, Carter turned to me and took off his shades. ‘I don’t know how you do it,’ he said, musingly.

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘You’ve had hardly any sleep, I know you’re dying for a shower ’cause you’ve told me about ten times, but you look fantastic, like you’ve just stepped out of a Fellini film.’

  I didn’t actually know who Fellini was (though I guessed he was some hip foreign film director) but I pulled a face. I did not look fantastic, not by anyone’s standards. I had on a crumpled T-shirt and a pair of pink pedal-pushers that were already covered in grass stains. And however much sun-block I smeared on my face my freckles were multiplying by the minute. I tugged my fingers through my tangled hair.

  ‘It’s nice of you to say it, Carter,’ I began. ‘But I look and feel horrible. I don’t know how you manage to stay so smart.’

  It was true. Carter didn’t have a single crease in his ensemble of checked shirt and dark blue jeans. He must have slept standing up.

  Carter smirked. ‘I’d be quite keen on getting a bit more rumpled.’

  Here we go. I raised my eyebrows at him and he chuckled.

  ‘Let’s go back to the tent,’ he murmured seductively. ‘And I’ll show you what you’ve been missing.’

  I didn’t say anything for a while. The tension hummed in the air between us and I knew that Carter was holding his breath. I couldn’t put it off for any longer.

  ‘OK,’ I agreed with a sigh. He grinned and pulled me to my feet.

  ‘You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that,’ breathed Carter, leaning in to kiss me.

  It had taken us half an hour to get to the main stage but with Carter tugging at my hand we made it back to the tent in ten minutes.

  I stood there feeling completely detached, almost as if I was outside of myself, while he unzipped the canvas.

  Carter held the tent flap open for me as I crawled inside, he was already unbuttoning his shirt as he inched towards me. This is it, I thought, I’m about to have sex in a tent, in the middle of a field, in broad daylight. It was not how I’d imagined this moment to be. Carter reached for me and pulled me down so I was lying on top of him and started to kiss me. His hands were stroking under my T-shirt as he whispered, ‘You’ve got too many clothes on.’

  I wriggled out of my T-shirt and wished this was happening to someone else as Carter began to fumble with the clasp on my bra. His eyes were roaming all over me and his hands weren’t gentle as he twisted at the fastening. There wasn’t a whole lot of tenderness going on. But how could I tell Carter that I’d made a mistake when I’d promised him I’d finally do the deed? There wasn’t any going back…

  Carter had managed to get my bra undone and was trying to coax me to slip it off when we heard a scuffling noise outside the tent. I froze.

  ‘What was that?’ I hissed as Carter rolled me over so he was pinning me to the ground.

  ‘What was what?’ he said impatiently.

  ‘I heard a noise,’ I said. There was another scrabble at the tent canvas. ‘There it is again!’

  The next second, to my horror, Poppy’s head appeared through the flap.

  ‘Oh my God!’ we both squeaked. Poppy’s head retreated and I grabbed my discarded T-shirt and held it to my chest.

  Carter, God rot him, started to laugh. ‘Foiled again,’ he said, lying back with his arms behind his head.

  I turned my back on him, did up my bra and pulled on my T-shirt before crawling out of the tent. And colour me puce ’cause every inch of me was blushing.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Poppy gabbled. ‘I had no idea.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ I muttered. I actually wanted to get down on my knees and kiss her feet in gratitude but I managed to restrain myself. ‘What’s up?’

  She pulled me away from the tents. ‘I don’t want to be anywhere near him,’ she said scathingly and then I remembered what he’d been doing the last time she saw him and winced.

  ‘Forget him for a minute,’ I advised her, wishing I could do the same. ‘And tell me why you’re so upset.’

  Poppy gave a little cry of frustration. ‘Grace has gone missing. I turned my back for a second and she’s disappeared.’

  ‘OK, where were you?’ I asked, my Miss Efficiency autopilot kicking in.

  ‘I was in the dance tent,’ Poppy wailed. ‘But I’ve looked all over. And the others are all looking and we can’t find her anywhere.’

  ‘All right, we’ll get Carter to stay here in case she comes back and we’ll go and look for her,’ I decided. ‘We’ve all got our phones and we haven’t had time to run down our batteries. We’ll find her.’

  ‘Wow, Edie, I never knew you were so sensible,’ Poppy exclaimed as I poked my head through the tent flap. Carter was lounging back on a rolled-up sleeping bag and grinned when he saw me.

  ‘Ah, there you are,’ he said wolfishly. ‘I was beginning to think you’d abandoned me.’

  ‘There’s been a change of plan,’ I said quickly, as he gave me an annoyed look. ‘Grace has gone missing, Poppy’s in a complete state and I need you to stay here in case she turns up. All right?’

  ‘But Edie…’ he started to say as I waved at him vaguely and turned back to Poppy.

  ‘You go to the Missing Persons tent and I’ll check the animal welfare stalls,’ I told her as we began to hurry down the hill.

  ‘Thanks, Edie,’ Poppy said. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you. I can’t seem to think straight.’

  ‘You’re just worried about Grace,’ I panted as we picked up speed.

  ‘Well, it kinda goes with the territory of being a bossy older sister. And, y’know, I’m sorry I’ve been so off with you,’ said Poppy.

  ‘Forget it,’ I said and meant it. ‘But please don’t tell anyone about me and Carter… how we… what we were doing when you saw us.’

  ‘Why would I tell anyone about that?’ Poppy shrieked. ‘It’s scarred me for life!’

  I checked the animal rights stalls and went back to the healing field but I couldn’t find Grace anywhere. I bumped into Will and Robbie but they’d had no luck either. I was just about to call it a day and head back to find the others when I thought I saw Grace in the crowd. I pushed through people to get closer but she’d gone. I looked around helplessly and then I saw her. She was with a group of lads. They were all staggering about and laughing, Grace included, but she looked pale and confused. One of the bigger lads slung his arm round her and the pair of them looked like they were about to topple over.

  I rushed towards her and Grace threw her arms round me. ‘Edie! Lovely Edie,’ she gasped. ‘You look all weird.’

  Her pupils were massively dilated and she was all floppy as if her limbs were made of Plasticine.

  I turned to the lads who were standing there giggling feebly. ‘What have you done to her?’ I shouted. There was no response, just more giggles.

  I poked the one nearest to me. ‘What has she taken?’ I demanded, grabbing the front of his T-shirt.

  ‘Just some stuff,’ he mumbled. ‘I’ll let you have a tab for a fiver.’

  ‘What is wrong with you?’ I yelled. ‘Has she taken an E?’

  ‘It was probably acid,’ suggested this quite, quite beautiful boy who was part of the crowd that had gathered to watch. ‘You wouldn’t spike someone with E, it’s too expensive.’

  ‘Oh, OK,’ I said distractedly but, like, not before I’d managed to clock how amazing-looking he was. I turned back to Grace, trying to keep her upright with one arm while I still had a grip on the boy’s T-shirt with the other. ‘You’re lucky it was me who found you,’ I snarled at him. ‘If it had been her sister or one of our boyfriends, you’d be lucky to still have kneecaps.’ I gave him a hard push and he fell over on the ground, still laughing at some priva
te joke. I glared at his mates but they were just gazing at me like I should have come with subtitles or something.

  ‘Hey! Hey! Listen to me! What have you taken?’ I demanded of Grace, but she had her head nuzzled into my shoulder. There was drool going on too.

  I shook her a teeny tiny bit and she finally came up for air. ‘They bought me some water,’ she said dazedly. ‘And it made me feel all funny.’

  ‘Do you need some help?’ asked the beautiful hippy boy who told me his name was Azure as he gently took hold of Grace’s other arm so we could get her to the First Aid tent. He was so stunning that in more normal circumstances I’d have been fighting for breath and losing myself in his amazing turquoise eyes, but I sternly told myself to stop it. This was not the time or the place. And besides Grace was babbling about how much she loved me and how some people looked like they had animal spirits inside them and she was beginning to seriously freak me out.

  Azure disappeared once we got to the First Aid tent, after telling me that if I ever needed his services I could find him on the astral plane. The paramedics looked Grace over, told me that she’d probably taken some acid and the best thing I could do was sit quietly with her and make sure she drank plenty of fluid. Of course, then I realised I’d left my mobile in the tent so I had to fill in a form to get the DJ on the main stage to make an announcement so the others knew where to find us. Have I mentioned that I’m never going to another festival as long as I live?

  Once the medics were sure that Grace hadn’t ODd and wasn’t about to go completely bonkers, they led us to a little Portakabin with a bed in it and I persuaded Grace to lie down. I sat there with her head on my lap while I stroked her hair and half-listened to her non-stop chattering.

  Grace was all sunburnt and the curly blonde hair that looked all rock chick on Poppy, just looked like a bird’s nest on Grace. I’d never noticed it before but she was actually very pretty. Much prettier than Poppy – though don’t quote me on that. Grace was all soft and creamy, like the angels in my Renaissance art book. Yeah, she was very Botticelli. But she had to do something with her hair, possibly involving some intensive conditioning treatment and she also had to stop hiding her face behind her hands all the time. I s’pose it was hard having a sister like Poppy. Poppy was so determined and cool that any little siblings were forced to flail helplessly in her wake.

  Anyway, Grace started trying to kiss my hands. I tugged them away gently.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re here, Edie,’ she said, trying to focus her eyes on me. ‘You’re my friend, too, not just Poppy’s. I wish you were my best friend.’

  ‘Of course I’m your friend,’ I patted her hand in what I hoped was a consoling manner. ‘Why don’t you try and get some sleep?’

  ‘When I close my eyes I see this satanic version of Donald Duck’s nephews,’ she informed me solemnly. ‘I wish I could remember their names.’

  ‘Huey, Dewey and Louie,’ I supplied.

  Grace gave a chuckle. ‘You know everything.’

  I laughed. ‘Remind me to come and see you next time I need my ego boosted,’ I said.

  But then Grace clutched my hands tightly and started saying how she wanted to be just like me and have boys fighting over her. ‘You’re my girl hero,’ she insisted, getting more and more distressed.

  ‘Please calm down,’ I begged her. She looked at me all hurt. ‘I’m not girl-hero material,’ I told her bitterly. ‘My life’s a complete mess. I’m meant to be making all these big decisions about my future but I can’t even decide what I want to do tomorrow. And I don’t have boys fighting over me. I just have Carter and, y’know, he’s, well he’s Carter!’

  Grace was silent after my outburst and I thought she’d dozed off but all of a sudden she opened her eyes and hit me with the question from hell. ‘So why did you snog Dylan?’ she asked baldly.

  ‘Me and Dylan?’ I whimpered. ‘That’s a whole other story.’

  But Grace wanted to hear it and so I told her. Everything. All the gory, post-watershed details. All the stupid ways we’d managed to hurt each other. And why it was now over. When I finally got to the end, which must have been about an hour after I started, Grace looked at me with the steadiest of gazes and said, ‘Why are you with Carter when you’re still so in love with Dylan?’

  I started trying to deny it but Grace interrupted: ‘I hate Carter,’ she announced dreamily. ‘He tried to kiss me at your barbecue. After I’d seen you and Dylan and I was coming down the stairs and he was coming up the stairs and he pressed me against the wall and said he’d give me a go when I got a bit older. And then he kissed me and I didn’t do anything because I knew that if he went upstairs he’d find you and Dylan.’

  ‘Oh Grace, I’m so sorry.’ I had this strange urge to wrap her up in the biggest blanket I could find and hide her away from all the shitty things in the world. I also had a less strange urge to find Carter and kick him right in the place where he did most of his thinking. Grace might have been on Planet Acid but it was obvious she wasn’t lying. And Poppy hadn’t got her version of events wrong either. It sounded exactly like Carter, I could even hear his voice in my head drawling out the line about waiting till Grace was older. I felt sick at the thought of what I’d been prepared to do to keep him. He must have been laughing himself stupid at me for months. He was an evil bastard. An evil, lying, two-faced bastard.

  ‘I wish my first kiss had been different,’ mused Grace.

  ‘They get better,’ I promised. ‘When Dylan kisses me it feels like, like I have this itch that only he can scratch but way, way, way better than that.’

  Grace smiled and promptly fell asleep and I sat there going over my life since Carter had arrived to screw it up. I also tried not to think about whether I was still in love with Dylan like Grace reckoned. But what did she know? She’d just managed to get spiked, she wasn’t exactly first in the queue when they were handing out great big bags of common sense, was she? By the time Poppy, Will and Robbie arrived, I was sunk into a big, bad gloom.

  When I started to explain what had happened to Grace, Poppy burst into tears. Then Grace woke up and started crying too. I was severely tempted to join them. Once she’d calmed down, Poppy was so sweet to Grace. It was quite a sight to behold. I thought she might have given her a lecture about no-good boys and accepting drinks from them but she was more concerned that Grace was OK. I wished then that I had a big sister. I might not be in the mess I’m in now if I did. While I sat there cuddling Grace and Poppy, Will found a paramedic to give Grace another check. The medic reckoned that she just needed to sleep and that she might be a bit shaky tomorrow and then Will (his super-hero tendencies kicking in) picked Grace up and Robbie put his arm round Poppy and I trailed along behind them as we went back to the tents.

  All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed (preferably one with freshly-washed sheets on) and stay there till the ’rents got home. While everyone was fussing over Grace I snuck into my tent and looked for the site-map to see how I could get home using public transport. I heard the tent flap open and steeled myself for a confrontation with Carter. I whirled around but it was Shona.

  ‘Oh, it’s you!’ I said and then realised how that sounded. ‘I didn’t mean that the way it came out.’

  ‘Glad to hear it,’ she said reproachfully. ‘Well you’re a little heroine on the quiet, aren’t you? I guess Poppy’s forgiven you for the Cartergate incident.’

  I shuddered. ‘Don’t talk to me about him. He’s as good as dead.’

  Shona raised her eyebrows, opened her mouth to say something and then thought better of it.

  ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to take it out on you,’ I mumbled. ‘I bet you’re fed up with me and my psycho-dramas.’

  ‘Hey, what are friends for,’ Shona said lightly. ‘So what I actually came to tell you was that I’ve just spent a fiver on a box of Tampax. Rip off, much.’

  I goggled at her. ‘So you’re not… ?’

  She bounded over and hugged me. ‘Yay! My
period’s come! I’m not pregnant,’ she crowed.

  ‘Oh, I’m so pleased for you,’ I said, wondering if that was the right thing to say. ‘You’re happy, right?’

  ‘Ecstatic but I wish I wasn’t surfing the crimson wave at a festival with primitive toilet facilities,’ said Shona pulling a face.

  ‘I hear you.’

  ‘So what has Carter done now?’ Shona asked.

  ‘Oh I don’t want to talk about it,’ I groaned. ‘Put it this way, we are over. We’re more over than any couple have ever been. But I haven’t got the energy to go into the details. He’s just a pathetic, cheating, conniving…’ I ran out of adjectives and stood there, breathing heavily and trying to come down from my hissy fit.