by Tillie Cole
“What?” I queried, not sure if I’d heard her correctly.
Elsie shifted on the bed, inching closer along her pillow and repeated, “The yellow stars on the ceiling that shine in the night.” She rolled on to her back and pointed at my ceiling. “One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.”
I wriggled closer until I could wrap my arm around her waist. Elsie’s blue eyes were shining in the glow of the light. She tilted her face to me. “We mostly lived on the street, but occasionally we would have a home. Sometimes my mom would gather enough money to rent a room for us somewhere, other times the men she…” Elsie’s expression fell. I held her tighter. She gripped my hand. “Sometimes… her men would give us somewhere to stay, to be safe.” A teardrop fell from her eyes, then she continued. “I never used to get anything for my birthday. Most years my mom would forget. But one year, we had a roof over our heads.” Elsie sighed. “I must have been about eight or nine. I came home and my mom had a small cake—it was round with pink frosting. My name was written across the top. I knew she had made it, or had at least written my name, because the pink writing was barely legible. My mom hadn’t had much of an education, but she’d written my name… for me. She tried, had pushed through her embarrassment… for me.”
My chest felt hollow as I imagined a young, poor Elsie, caring for her deaf drug-addicted mom. She smiled timidly, and I simply melted.
“She made me blow out a single candle, and then made me lie on the bed. I did as she asked, then she turned off the light. Resting in her arms, I looked up to see our shabby ceiling adorned with neon stars.” Elsie sniffed. “It was the one of the only birthday presents I have ever received.” She rolled on her side, her forehead almost touching mine. A stray tear traveled over her nose and splashed on to the mattress.
“Those little plastic stars are beautiful to me, because they represent one of the few happy moments in my life.” I waited for her to say more, but her eyes glazed over. “Yellow and bright, they shine in the night. Glittering stars, I stare for hours. In the dark, dark room they are all I can see, a kiss on my cheek, happy birthday, Elsie.” Elsie seemed to close in on herself, then she explained, “It was the first poem I ever wrote.” She laughed. “It was terrible. I was only a kid, I guess, but when I showed it to my mom, she cried. She said she would treasure it, always. So I didn’t stop writing. My poems made my mom happy.” Elsie tried to turn her face away from mine, but I placed my hand under her chin, wanting her to see me.
“I get it,” I hushed out. I meant every word. “Your plastic neon stars were my lightning bug jars.”
Elsie wiped her face, then ran her hand around my eye. “Your eyes,” she said, “they remind me of the moon. In the day they look so light; they resemble an overcast sky. They look so pretty against your olive skin. But at night, like now, they look silvery… like the moon.”
My hands clenched. Elsie noticed. I cleared my throat. “My mamma called me ‘mia luna’, her moon. I never knew why, but I did wonder if it was because of my eyes.”
Elsie smiled. She nervously recited, “My mom brought me the stars. Levi Carillo, you bring me the moon.”
I held my breath, then whispered back, “Then you bring me the shine.”
Elsie closed the inch gap between us and pressed her lips to mine. The kiss was soft and quick, but it meant more than ever before. She was in my bed. My girl, in my bed. Being ourselves. No hiding. No shying away.
Elsie snuggled into my bare chest, her warm breath caressing my skin. I closed my eyes, feeling sleep beginning to move in, when I asked, “When is your birthday?”
Elsie stiffened, but confided, “In a week. I’ll be nineteen on the twelfth.”
A week, I thought. But I kept it to myself. I had a game that day, but I had the whole night after. I wanted to give Elsie a second birthday to remember. She deserved it. She deserved to have it all.
I wanted to provide memories she would never forget, like the stars.
After all, I was sure she already had my heart.
Chapter Eleven
Elsie
Happy birthday, Elsie!
I didn’t wake you before I left—you looked too peaceful. Thank you for coming to the game. I’ll play better knowing you’re in the stands watching.
My family are coming too. I know you’re nervous about meeting them all, but there’s no need. No one will judge, you. They’re my family. You can speak to them without fear. They know what you mean to me. They’ll keep you safe.
Be brave. Don’t hide your voice… it’s too pretty to not be heard.
Levi xx
As I sat on Levi’s bed, I fidgeted my hands on my lap. His letter was lying on the bed. I was counting down the five minutes until I had to be in the kitchen with all of Levi’s family. I had met Lexi, of course. I had seen Austin; he was polite enough, though I’d never uttered one word to him. He looked different to Levi. He was darker, and covered in tattoos and scars. Quite frankly, he intimidated me. But Axel, the sculptor, and Ally, his fiancée, had been away these past couple of weeks in New York. He had business there with a museum, and apparently they had also been celebrating their engagement with her parents.
But they were coming today, along with Austin’s best friend and wife.
Today was game day for Levi. It just so happened that it was my birthday too. And he wanted me at this game. He wanted me to watch him play. I hadn’t wanted to. I didn’t like crowds, or even being around people, but Levi had wanted it bad: I saw it in his eyes, I saw it in his flushed cheeks.
I had kept myself to myself since coming this house. I had stayed close to Levi. I had stayed in my room or, as of this week, Levi’s room. I read during the day, anything I could find, until Levi got home, when I would sit with him. Perfectly content. We would eat in his room while I rested. And we would talk, just the two of us in our own little world.
Until today.
Until now.
I really wanted to watch Levi play. I wanted to see him away from his studies, doing what he loved. I wanted to see the passion I knew he had for football played out on his home field.
But I had to overcome my fears first. I had to talk. Without realizing, I had unclasped the cuffs on my wrists. I was skimming over the scars on my wrists, feeling the still ridged marks. The two cuffed bracelets I always wore hid my shame. They hid the weakest moment in my life, from Levi.
From the world.
Dumbfuck. Shut your mouth, never speak. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Ice ran down my spine as the mocking sound of their laughter echoed louder in my head. The nasty feel of their words biting like a bullet into my heart; the laughing, the unfunny impressions, the sheer loneliness of being an outcast, of not being accepted—because of something I was born with—something that was beyond my control.
My hands froze, locked in fear. Today I would meet people my age. Today I would see girls like those girls. The ones that caused me to…
A knock sounded loudly on the pool house door, making me jump out of my skin. I quickly refastened my cuffs over my wrists. The door opened as I tried to calm my racing heart, and Lexi walked in. She was stunning; wearing jeans and black padded jacket, and her black hair down to her shoulders.
“Hey sweetie,” she chimed, and strode toward the bed. “You ready?”
I nodded my head, timidity holding my voice at bay. I saw Lexi’s shoulders drop when I didn’t reply. I knew it was because I hadn’t spoken. Levi had told her that I’d been speaking to him. She’d told me, on more than one occasion, she would never judge me. That she knew what it was like to keep a part of yourself hidden from the world. I didn’t know what she was specifically referring to, but still I believed her. I could see the genuineness in her expression.
As we walked out of the pool house toward the main house, I pictured Levi’s face last night, as he told me to trust his family, urging me not to hide, but to be brave in their company.
I took a deep breath, forcing myself to push past the barrier in my throat. “I…” I swallowed, wetting my dry throat, and continued. “I just wanted to say ‘thank you’… for everything... I…” I trailed off, overwhelmed by emotion.
I kept my head down, wincing about how I knew I sounded, when I suddenly found myself in Lexi’s arms. “You ain’t got nothing to be grateful to me for, Elsie,” Lexi whispered in my right ear, her voice thick with emotion. “Plus, as far as I can tell, it should be you I’m thanking.” She held me just a fraction tighter than before. “You’ve brought Levi to life since we took you in.” She pulled back and bent down to meet my gaze. “He’s been smiling, sweetie. Smiling. He ain’t had much cause to smile these past few years. And hell, we haven’t been able to help. But you…”
I tucked a strand of my hair back, as Lexi added, “Everyone is in the kitchen. You okay with meeting them all? They’re all mighty excited to see the girl who has captured our shy boy’s heart.”
I breathed in, looking over Lexi’s shoulder at the people milling about the kitchen and nodded my head. Lexi wrapped her arm around my shoulders, and guided me forward.
The second we entered the kitchen, I felt all eyes on me. Nothing happened, until Lexi introduced me. “This is Elsie, y’all. Levi’s girlfriend.” My nervousness was squashed the moment Lexi announced me as Levi’s girlfriend. We hadn’t said those words—boyfriend and girlfriend—to one another. Hadn’t had that conversation yet. We had just been… us. We kissed, we talked, we understood each other, never pushing the other too far. But beyond that, I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I was meant to do when I got better. I didn’t know what would become of my life, what would become of us. What would become of me.
I didn’t know how long I could stay.
“Elsie!” a thick Alabama accent took me from my worry, and I looked to my right to see a beautiful dark haired, dark eyed woman charging toward me. I stared, actually stared, at how beautiful she was, before I was swept up in her arms and squeezed hard. She quickly let me go, and I was met with her infectious bright smile.
“I’m Ally, darlin’, Levi’s future sister-in-law.”
I nodded my head and smiled, seeing a heavily tattooed man following behind, flicking his chin and holding up his hand. A sense of unease washed through me, but immediately departed when he wrapped his arm around Ally’s waist. Ally gripped the man’s hand, now positioned over her stomach, and said, “This is Axel, Levi and Austin’s older brother and my fiancé,” she proudly announced.
“Hey,” Axel said, when his face immediately brought a flash of memory to mind. He was the man in the sculpture—making Levi shoot a gun. He was the man hovering behind him like the devil.
I swallowed and averted my eyes, only to see a pretty brunette with dark curly hair and glasses, and a handsome man with longish blond hair, holding a baby in his arms. “Hey, I’m Molly,” the pretty brunette said in what I thought sounded like a British accent. She pointed at the man behind her. “This is my husband, Rome.”
I rocked on my feet as they all watched me, when Austin walked in holding baby Dante in his arms. “Hey Elsie,” he said casually, and reached for his car keys.
Pushing myself to reply, I quietly said, “Hi.”
Austin froze, his dark eyes landing on me. In fact, they all looked directly at me. Fear of their rejection left me paralyzed, until Austin shook the keys and said, “We have to go or we’ll be late.”
Within seconds, everyone was moving out. Nothing had been said about my voice, they were all probably getting over their initial shock.
Ally’s arm linked through mine and she led me forward. I caught Lexi’s eye as I passed and she smiled at me, proudly. I found myself awash with warmth by this family’s acceptance of me. Bowled over. I felt the ever-tight clogging of my throat loosen, believing I had no reason to be afraid.
Ally led me out to a waiting car. I listened to her talk. Listened to her lyrical southern voice. On occasion I even answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ reply.
It was four times.
I managed to reply four times.
* * * * *
I felt as if we were shaking as we sat in the box at the Husky Stadium, tens of thousands of football fans stamping their feet, roaring with excitement, waiting for the team to run out. The sound was deafening to me, too loud, my heart frantic in its rhythm. I’d never heard anything like it. I’d never seen so many people congregated in one place.
I gripped the arm of my seat, when another loud roar from the crowd caused me to flinch. I lifted my hand to my right ear, protecting it from the sound. Suddenly, everyone in our box got to their feet, blocking my view of the field. I stayed down, covering my ear, until I felt someone’s eyes on me.
When I glanced to the side, Axel was watching me. His dark eyebrows were pulled down, then he suddenly walked to the door that led to a balcony outside. It had been open. Axel closed it, reducing the sound to a point where I could bear it. Axel walked back to his seat without a word. I saw the understanding dawn on everyone’s faces when I joined them on my feet, just in time to see Levi run onto the field.
The large screen at the end zone showcased his beautiful face. My stomach twisted at seeing him on the field. I felt a blush coat my cheeks as I saw him look up to the box in which we were sitting. Watched, as he lifted his hand to indicate ‘hello’.
As I fought back my smile at the rush of blood to my head, I found Axel and said, “Thank you.”
Axel’s stern expression never moved, but he swapped seats with his fiancée beside him and said, “He’s been telling me all fucking week how you were gonna be at this game watching him play. It was only right that y’all could watch it.”
The music outside abruptly died down, and I caught the faint blowing of a whistle. My eyes were drawn to the field and I saw the two teams rush forward. Almost immediately, I sought out Levi’s jersey, ‘Number 84’. My pulse raced as Levi received the ball, and I found myself reaching out, grabbing tight hold of Lexi’s arm.
“Get used to it, sweetie,” I caught Lexi say. “Our boy’s heading straight to the NFL.” She pointed to the packed stadium. “This is just the beginning.”
Two feelings collided within me as Lexi spoke these words. One was an immense sense of the pride that Levi could achieve such glory in the sport he loved. But the other came from the dread that I would feel at the limelight he would be in. I didn’t know what would become of Levi and I. But I knew I couldn’t have this, and more, as my life. I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just…
“Go on, baby bro!” I heard Austin shout and my eyes snapped back to the field. Levi was sprinting down the length of the field holding the ball, his incredible speed too much for the others chasing behind. Axel leaned forward as his younger brother ran into the end zone, spiking the ball on the ground. The crowd, and his family, went wild. I covered my ear, the incredible sound too piercing. Despite the too-loud sound, I moved to the floor-length glass and pressed my free hand on the windowpane.
I watched, in awe, as this shy boy who was stealing my heart, kept his head down as his teammates jumped on him in congratulation. I watched as he kept his head down as the crowd cheered his name. Then I watched, heart melting, as he removed his helmet. His eyes met mine from way down on the field and he pressed his hand over his heart, lowering his head. I struggled to breathe as I shakily lifted my hand and mimicked the motion; my action of thanks and his acknowledgment that I was here in the crowd. He had set me apart from the tens of thousands of adoring fans.
“Aww,” I heard someone say, and glanced to the side to see Molly with her eyes on me. I blushed and bowed my head.
“Somehow I think he might get MVP today,” Austin said, and winked at me when I looked to h
is smiling face. I blushed again, just as the whistle sounded.
Three hours passed, and by the end, the Huskies had won. And, as predicted by Austin, Levi was awarded MVP. If I thought the stadium had been loud before, the sound of the crowd when the final whistle blew was ear-shatteringly thunderous. Within minutes, the crowd began to disperse. Servers brought food and drink into the private box, and everyone sat round and waited.
Taking their lead, I sat down at the table sipping a coffee. I looked to everyone in the room and felt a huge sense of loss cave in my chest. Levi, he was lost and lonely, like me. But as I watched these people—his family—who had all gathered for him today, to watch him achieve his dreams, I wondered if he realized how truly lucky he was? They loved him. Each and every one of these people adored him.
It only made me realize how truly alone I really was.
I took another sip of my coffee to push down the lump that was clawing up my throat, when someone filled the chair beside me. A hand immediately began tracing the top, a heavily tattooed hand that still wore the remains of what looked like white dust—Axel.
I shuffled on my seat, nervous at being so close to this hard and dangerous looking man. When his hand stopped, he said, “I don’t know what he’s told you about his life, but it’s been a fucking tough one.” I froze, my hands gripping the mug tightly. Axel softly cleared his throat. “I done wrong by him, Elsie. I fucking made that kid, and he was a kid, do things that were fucked up and wrong.” Even with my eighty percent hearing I could hear the tone change in Axel’s voice, as he admitted his wrongs against Levi. I thought of that sculpture of the boy being forced to shoot. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“The final nail came when our Mamma died and I got sent away.” For the first time, I glanced his way, the black tattooed cross on his left cheek catching my attention. “I did five years, Elsie, and let’s just say that Levi fucking suffered through them all. Fuck, the kid’s been suffering since he was seven years old.”