Sweet Soul

by Tillie Cole

  Axel’s words soothed something inside, but I said, “She’s gone, Axe. I don’t know where the hell she is.”

  “So you’re gonna give up?”

  I sat up straighter, pulling back from Axel’s chest. “No, I ain’t giving up, but where do I go from here?”

  Austin’s hand landed on my bent knee, when I saw something on the floor before us. My heart swelled seeing that pretty face staring back at me. I turned to Axel. “You finished it,” I stated, taken back by the realism, by the perfect likeness.

  “Today,” Axel said. “Came over to give you it, and as I did, I saw you ripping outta the driveway.” Axel pointed at Austin. “Aust told me what happened with little Els, and I knew where we’d find you.”

  I closed my eyes and breathed though my nose. When I opened my eyes, I said, “It’s the only place that calms me down when I lose it. I… I copied one of your keys a while back.”

  Axel nodded, but said, “I get it, Lev, I do. But this ain’t Mamma, those rosary beads ain’t Mamma. You gotta start living right, not in the past, not making these tributes, these possessions, a shrine to all that you’ve lost. You gotta move past the grief, Lev. Mamma would want you to live. All she ever wanted was for us all to be happy.”

  “I can’t move on, I’ve tried,” I rasped. “I’m sick of everyone leaving me. Mamma, you, now Elsie. She’s gone and I feel like I can’t breathe at the thought of where she is and what’s happened to her.”

  “Then find her,” Axel said as though I hadn’t been looking for her all day.

  “We’ve been everywhere we can think of, Axe,” Austin answered for me. “She wasn’t anywhere.”

  “She’s somewhere, everyone goes somewhere when their broken,” Axe said and looked to me. “You’re here, kid, with this sculpture of Mamma, where you always come. Where would Elsie go? Where does she feel most calm?”

  I shook my head, having no idea, when I caught sight of the marble sculpture Axel had just finished and I straightened.

  “I think I know where she’ll be,” I said, and jumped to my feet. I reached into my pocket for my keys, and looked back at my brothers. “I gotta go and get her.”

  Axe smirked and got to his feet too. He pulled me into his chest, and said into my ear, “You may not be exactly like me and Aust, Lev, but you’re still a fucking Carillo. You fucking rise when the moment counts. Go get your girl.”

  “Thanks, Axe,” I rasped, then hugged Austin too.

  Axel reached down for the sculpture. “I’ll take this back to Austin’s place.”

  I turned to go, when Austin asked, “So where do you think she’ll be?”

  I flicked my eyes up to the statue of the angel and replied, “Portland.”

  I left the warehouse, my heart pumping with adrenaline. I called Lexi from my car, her worried voice answering on the second ring. “Levi? You okay, sweetie?”

  “I’m okay, Lex, or I will be. I need a favor.”

  “Okay?” she answered dubiously.

  “I need you to look up Joanie Hall. It’s Elsie’s mom.”

  “Okay, Joanie Hall. And what am I looking for?”

  “Where she’s buried,” I said, pulling my car out onto the main road, the direction: Portland, Oregon.

  * * * * *

  It took me three hours to arrive at the cemetery. The traffic was hell due to road works and the rain that had poured. I parked up my car and looked out over the huge graveyard, the only light coming from a few garden solar lanterns placed around the entrance.

  The gate at the front was locked, but the wall was low and I climbed over, the cold wind whipping around the leafless trees. I looked out over the mass of gravestones, but couldn’t see anything. I sighed, realizing this wouldn’t be as easy as I thought. But I knew Elsie had to be here. Her mom was the only home she’d ever had. If she was broken, if she needed to get away, she’d come here. I was sure of it.

  I followed my feet down row after row of graves, scanning the row that came next, hoping to see a flash of blond hair. But the darkness was thick. The cemetery was completely silent, so quiet that I could hear the sound of my feet crunching on the cold grass.

  I walked for over an hour, only to turn to another field of graves. I dropped my head, thinking it was an impossible task, when I saw something to my left, far in the distance. I squinted my eyes to try and make out what it was, when the breath fell from my lungs seeing it was a dull neon glow. It was way across the plots, a tiny spec from this far away, but it was there, like a tiny lightning bug, a lamp guiding me forward.

  I followed the glow of the light through the dark trees and old graves, until it became brighter, until my heart slammed in my chest and my body relaxed with relief seeing that homemade lightning bug jar sitting on top of a simple black grave… a slim body laying down on the grass beside it. I saw her body rising up and down, and my heart swelled seeing that she was wearing my hoodie, the neck pulled up to her nose.

  Walking as quietly as possible, I edged around the grave and sat down on the opposite side of the headstone, taking the jar in my hand. The noise of the glass scratching on the headstone or the shift of light caused Elsie’s eyes to dart open. I saw the flash of fear cross her face before her pretty blue eyes focused on me, then the jar in my hands.

  Seeing she was watching me, I held the jar between my hands and said, “I’ll have to take you someplace to make a real one of these someday. Real fireflies to make a real lightning bug jar.”

  “Levi,” Elsie whispered brokenly, and without looking to her face, I knew there were tears in her eyes.

  “I’ll take y’all back to Bama one day in July someday. We can go to the woods and we can collect them for real.” I smiled still focusing on the jar. “It’ll be fun. You’ll love it.”

  I traced the splash of the recently spilled glow stick liquid with my finger, when Elsie’s gloved hand landed over mine. I stilled, but didn’t look up.

  “How did you find me?” she asked, and I smiled a small smile.

  “I followed your light.” I pointed over the other two fields. “I parked way over there. I was searching in the dark and I didn’t think I would find you… then I saw the light from the jar.” Sighing, I looked into Elsie’s eyes. “It led me straight to you.”

  Her eyes were shimmering with tears, when she smiled and said, “You didn’t drown. You followed my light.”

  I huffed a quiet laugh. Then the laughter quickly dropped. “I’ve drowned plenty since I woke up this morning to find you gone, bella mia. I ain’t sure yet if I’m safe on dry land, or whether you’re gonna leave me in the tide. If you’re gonna let me drown.”

  Elsie’s hand trembled, but she removed it from mine to crouch before me, her attention focusing on the headstone. She ran her fingers over the inscription of her mom’s name, her date of birth and death. I watched her face fill with sadness and she confided, “When I first ran away, this is where I would come. I’d sit by her grave all day, then come back at night when the gates were closed.” She smiled and I watched a teardrop slip down her face. “This,” she pointed around the graveyard, “was my home for so long, that it’s the only place I could think of coming.” She patted her chest over her heart. “My heart is torn. All of the cruelty I felt hit me at once, those girls at the dinner,” she sucked in a deep breath, “Clara. Clara believing she had no other out but to take her own life… it split my heart and I needed to get away.” Elsie inhaled, and on her exhale said, “I needed to come home.”

  My chest ached hearing her call this place home, that she’d needed to leave, to get away, to leave me. Suddenly, Elsie’s hand was on my face and her forehead was scrunched up in confusion. She looked so damn cute. She always did.

  Every time I looked at her I lost my breath. My heart would kick into a sprint. She had no idea what she meant to me, how much I just wanted to help her heal.

  Wanted her love.

  I turned my head until my cheek nuzzled her palm. Elsie sat back, dropping her hand over mi
ne, removing it off the jar to link our fingers together. She stared at her fingers, and whispered, “But when I got here. When I laid on the grass, when I traced the letters of my mom’s name, I realized that this was no longer my home.”

  I paused, froze completely waiting for what she said next. Elsie looked up at me, seared me where I sat, and confessed, “It’s with you. My home,” she pressed her free hand on her chest, “my heart… it’s with you, Levi Carillo. You.”

  Feeling like a dam had burst in my soul, I leaned forward and took her mouth with my own. Elsie’s lips instantly moved against mine, her soft hand threading through my hair.

  I pulled back, and when I did, her eyelids fluttered open. I stared at her without words, just content to have her back in my arms, safe and needing me like I needed her.

  “It took me to come here, to realize I belong with you.”

  I blew out a breath, then pulled her forward, pushing the jar to the ground and held her in my arms. She held me back, and in this graveyard, with my beautiful girl in my arms, I felt it.

  Closure.

  I felt that hole in my heart close together, a few scars forever on its surface, but it was healed. By Elsie. By us. By this moment.

  Pushing Elsie back, I said, “I’m not the most special guy in the world. I’m no one’s perfect dream. I’m not sure I’ll ever do anything extraordinary with my life. I’ll always be that little bit awkward, and that little bit too shy. I’ll always blush and dip my head, but if you’ll let me, I’ll be the one that’s there for you. I’ll be happy knowing I’ve got you and you’ve got me. That’s enough for me, to be the one that you can lean on, to be the one to tell you you’re beautiful every day. And talk to. I’ll adore every sound that comes out of your mouth. I’ll be the one to love you like nothing you’ve ever seen, bella mia.” I blushed with embarrassment, but managed to rasp, “If you’ll just let me… If you want me.”

  Elsie sobbed out a cry, tears tumbling down her rosy cheeks. “Levi. You are my dream realized, in every possible way. You are the most special person in my world. And I love that you blush—because I do too.” She wiped at her cheeks. “I love that you’re shy, and,” her breathing hitched, “I love that you love my voice. I love that I never have hide who I am, disguise how I sound. Because I’m tired of trying to please others.” She dipped her eyes and almost flattened me when she said, “You’re my kind of extraordinary. Levi Carillo, you’re the sweetest of souls.”

  Elsie’s smile heated my chest, and she got to her feet. She took the jar from me and then offered me her hand. I took it in mine, standing before her. I playfully pulled down the back of her gray woolen hat, and tapped the jar. She beamed up a smile at me. “I’m never letting it go.” I kissed her sweet lips, and she playfully replied, “But I want you to show me the real thing. I liked the sound of seeing the true lightning bug jars someday.”

  A wide smile spread on my face. “It’ll happen one day, bella mia. One day.”

  She nodded her head, then looked up at me through her lashes. “But for now lets just go home?”

  My heart fired off against my ribs. “Home?” I rasped.

  Elsie placed he hand in mine and sighed in contentment. “Home,” she assured and began leading us from the graveyard. With every step my sadness, the pain that I’d carried for too long, fell away. Because this was one love of mine that came back.

  And she brought with her innocence.

  She brought with her life.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Elsie

  The minute the car stopped, the rising dawn beginning to break, the door to the main house opened and Lexi ran out, Ally Prince following closely behind. Without pausing, Lexi threw her arms around my neck and I choked on my thick throat, the emotion of such a welcome hitting me deeply—they cared.

  “Sweetie, Thank God. I’ve been so worried about you,” Lexi said and I could hear the worry in her shaky voice.

  “Sorry,” I said ashamedly and ducked my head. Lexi pulled back from our embrace.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, Elsie. Nothing. I’m just happy you’re back, and you’re safe. Yeah?”

  I nodded my head, casting a glance to Levi who was stood with his two brothers, the light between to darks. He was smiling at me proudly, and I turned back to Lexi, knowing my shy guy was there for me to lean on.

  “I think, if it’s possible, that I’d like some help… to deal with everything that’s happened in my past… the bullies, the loss… everything.”

  Lexi’s green eyes glossed with tears. “Of course, sweetie. On one condition.”

  I raised my eyebrows waiting for her terms.

  “That you consider working with me afterwards, at Kind.” I glanced away, unsure if I could after Clara when Lexi said, “You made a difference in her life while she had you in it. I saw it. We all did. Celesha wants you back, as do I. One day, when you’re healed enough to return.”

  “Okay,” I replied, fighting the apprehension I felt. This woman had taken me in, no questions asked. I wanted to give her that same honor.

  Lexi hugged me again then stood back. Ally Prince’s huge smile greeted me and she pulled me in her arms. “I knew you’d be back,” she said.

  “You did?” I questioned.

  Ally rolled her eyes then spun me around to face the three Italian brothers and pointed at Levi. “You see that look in Levi’s eyes, the same one Aust is giving Lex and the one my tough guy is giving me?”

  I blushed, but nodded my head under the attention of Levi’s storm cloud colored gaze. “Well that’s how I knew you’d be back. Once a Carillo cracks his hard shell and lets you in, once you see them look at you like that, you’re toast, and you’re theirs. You never really had a choice.”

  Lexi laughed as Axel shook his head at his fiancée, and I laughed too. But it was in happiness. Because I saw that look in Levi’s eyes, and for as long as I lived, I never wanted it to fade.

  A yawn pulled on my mouth, and Levi’s arms were suddenly around me. “We need to rest,” he said to his family, Austin and Axel threw me a wave.

  Ally pressed a kiss on my cheek and walked to her car. “We’ll see you soon, darlin’. You’re one of us now, ain’t no shaking us off.”

  “She ain’t lying,” Levi whispered into my ear and I laughed. I laughed free of restraint. And I sighed. I had a family. A loving family.

  “Come on, Elsie, let’s go,” Levi said and led me through the back gate. When we entered the pool house, I let him take the jar from my hands and put it on the side table. He next pulled off my hat, my scarf and my gloves, slowly unzipping my jacket and pushing it off my shoulders.

  He put them all in the closet, and when he came back, he tugged on the string of my hoodie, the one that always smelled like him. “When I saw this had gone, I still had hope, a little hope that you weren’t done with me. That you still wanted me.”

  My heart fell. “I could never be done with you,” I said and Levi kissed my lips.

  When he pulled back, he’d gone all shy, his eyes looking everywhere but me. I lifted to my tiptoes and pressed my palm to his cheek. “What is it?”

  Levi ran his finger down my cheek. “I’ve done something for you, because of something you said, a while back… about your mom.”

  I stilled. Levi dropped his forehead to mine. “That night, when you saw my mamma’s statue, when you touched her face and told me you never got to say goodbye to your mom. That you never got to tell her you loved her, in your own special way,” he swallowed and rocked on the balls of his feet, “well, I, I wanted to give you it, your goodbye… your final ‘I love you’…”

  My heart slammed in my chest as I listened to him stumble over his words. “Levi?” I questioned, when Levi stepped aside and pointed to his dresser and what was on top. Whatever it was was covered in a white cloth that hid it from sight.

  I glanced back to him and he put his hands in his pockets, his olive cheeks red with timidity. “I got it for you, to help you. And beca
use… because I lo—” Levi dipped his head, choking on his words.

  I knew what he was going to say, but I could see that he needed me to see what was under the cloth first. He needed to know whatever he’d done was okay.

  My feet felt like ton weights as I walked forward, each step feeling harder than the one before. When I arrived at the dresser, and the object that was placed directly at my height, I lifted my shaky hand, dragged off the linen, and…

  “Levi,” I whispered, a soft disbelieving cry pouring from my lips. My hand flew to my mouth and I couldn’t look away.

  Levi cleared his throat. “I… I had Axe make it. I took a picture of the photograph inside your locket on my phone while you slept a few weeks back and gave it to him. He finished it yesterday. He brought it in here for when you came back, for when you—”

  “You gave me back my mom?” I hushed out, pushing out my hand, but then pulling it right back too afraid to touch the snowy white marble. “You brought me my mom so I could say goodbye?”

  I forced myself to turn and look at Levi, whose expression betrayed his fear—his fear that he’d done something wrong.

  Levi shrugged. “To say goodbye, or just to have around, to see when you want. This way you get to see her when you need, and she can still watch over you, like my mamma’s angel does me, does all of us.”

  My sight blurred with tears, at what he’d done. At the most breathtaking act that had ever been thought of.

  I made my way to my shy guy who was rocking on his feet, and I placed my hand over his heart. Levi’s eyes were wide as he waited for what I would say.

  “This is the kindest, most thoughtful act someone could ever do. To give me this, my mom?” I shook my head wondering how I ever deserved such kindness, when I said, “You are kind-hearted, Levi. You’re what people should strive to be. Kindness is giving someone something, or an act that requires nothing in return, not even a thank you, and you’ve done this. For me. You’ve given me my chance at goodbye.”