by Jenny Hale
Phoebe offered a tender smile. “You don’t think it’s just you wishing for something more, do you?”
Noelle rubbed her tired eyes, groaning in surrender. “I don’t know.”
“It’s not the end of the world if you want something great for yourself, you know? You work really hard to get everything you have. Who says you can’t work for this?”
“I shouldn’t have to work for it,” she said, her voice matter of fact. But was Phoebe right? Was that pull Noelle felt to have Alex come home really just wishful thinking? The thought entered her mind that Alex hadn’t made any effort to communicate with her; he’d only corresponded with Lucas. Maybe Alex hadn’t fallen for her at all. Maybe he had a soft spot for Lucas—it was easy to do. “You know what?” she said, the sting of her thoughts causing her to prickle. “I think I should tell him not to bother. He probably won’t come anyway.”
“I’ve been wondering something,” Noelle said to William, as she toyed with the ring box in her pocket nervously. Today was the day to tell him. Strategies for how to begin the discussion with William had filtered into her thoughts all day and she’d run through different ways to bring it up, but just now she’d jumped right into it instead, her nerves getting the better of her. Plus, she just didn’t want to put it off anymore. “You seemed to really be affected by your first love. You said you even kept things—a napkin? She impacted you, it’s clear. Do you ever wonder what could’ve been with her?” They were sitting in the large living room in the main house. He’d had her pull up a chair near the windows so he could try to see the snow. He’d said that he could see the transformation of color to white and it was calming. She’d need him to be calm for this, but before she told him, she wanted some answers.
“All the time,” he said, his gaze remaining on the window. “Many nights I felt guilty wondering. It wasn’t fair to Elizabeth, but you have to know, I loved my wife. I loved her more than the first woman I met.”
“But could you have loved the woman more if you’d given her a chance? Could she have been the love of your life?”
“I don’t know,” he said simply.
“Why didn’t you go after her? Why did you let your family dictate your actions?”
He pursed his lips in thought, something dawning on him. “This isn’t about me and her, is it?”
It caught her off guard. “What?”
He took in a deep breath, stillness between them. “This is about you and Alex. You want him to try harder, to come back to you.”
“That’s not what I meant…” she said a little too quickly, but the fire under her skin probably gave her away.
“What if I said this: When it came to me and the other woman, she didn’t push it either; she didn’t try to get me to change my mind. Probably because, without really knowing what I’d done, I’d hurt her. Terribly. I didn’t realize what that might have been like for her until it was much too late. I think you’re a similar person to her. Alex is a tough nut to crack. And I think he runs from things that scare him. I’ll bet you scare the life out of him because he’s terrified he might fail you. And he’s never failed at anything in his life.”
“I’m not going to chase after him,” she said, the cold air in that big room making her shiver. She felt cold both inside and out.
William nodded. “I know you’re not,” he said, with a knowing smile.
“If she’d chased you, what would you have done? Would you really have left all this behind?” She wanted him to say yes, to give her hope that something wonderful could happen.
“You are so much like her,” he said, causing a chill to shoot up her spine. “Why don’t you give it a shot with Alex and see?”
“I’m like her?” She held the ring box in her palm inside her pocket.
“So much.”
With her free hand, she took his and held it. “My gram and I are a lot alike,” she said. “Her name was Sophia.” She turned his hand over and placed the ring box in it, closing his fingers around it.
His chest heaving with his breath, he opened the box and ran his finger along the diamond, complete shock consuming his face. Noelle waited, unsure of what to do next, her own breath barely able to fill her lungs, her hands shaking uncontrollably. Without warning, a single tear rolled down William’s face. “I did wonder sometimes,” he whispered. He put his hand on Noelle’s face, the tears falling freely now. “Did she have a good life?” he asked, barely able to get the question out through his tears.
“Yes.” Noelle’s eyes were clouded with emotion as well as they both placed their hands on the ring. She squeezed his fingers tenderly. “She married my Pop-pop and they were wonderful together. They danced in the kitchen, they took me to the beach where they made their own recipes for cocktails and sat in the sand drinking them until the sun went down… I could go on and on. She had the life I only wish I could have.”
He pulled away from her, leaving the ring in her hands, covered his face and sobbed, but his tears sounded like relief, like complete happiness that she’d been okay. And that was the greatest show of love that Noelle had ever seen.
Noelle and Lucas stood in the office, the next morning, looking out the wall-sized window at the snow. It was really coming down. Noelle had spent most of the night wondering how they were going to tell Alex about the ring. William had been so emotional that she hadn’t gotten into it with him, so it left her with a million scenarios that swirled around in her head all night. She knew they were going to have to tell him, and it was probably William’s place, but the fact that she knew made her glad Alex was in New York so she wouldn’t have to face him until she had a solid plan in mind for what she wanted to say—if anything.
“Can we go sledding once it piles up?” Lucas asked. “I wonder if it’s snowing in New York?”
“I don’t know,” she said, already dreading the possibility of having to contact Alex for Lucas. “Maybe.”
“Let’s text him and find out. I want to see if it is!” Lucas was animated, smiling, nearly jumping up and down.
Steadying herself to keep worry from eating her alive, she handed Lucas her phone. She didn’t want to alarm him by not allowing him to contact Alex. She just hoped that she wouldn’t have to talk to him. Lucas knew how to use her phone perfectly so he wouldn’t need her at all. He’d practiced texting his grandparents and he’d gotten really good at it. Noelle looked back out the window. The snow had started to cover the Christmas greenery on the balconies and exterior brick walls, the garland bending slightly under its weight. Her heart felt just as heavy.
“He isn’t texting back,” Lucas said. Only then did she realize Lucas wasn’t bouncing anymore. “Maybe he’s busy,” he said, disappointment in his eyes.
“You know what?” she said, trying to keep her voice from breaking under the immensity of it all. “It’s only two weeks until Christmas! We should start celebrating. We need a big cup of hot chocolate and a few nibbles of Casa Grande. There’s still some left after the staff got ahold of it.” She winked at him, completely hiding her trepidation.
“Okay,” he said, handing her the phone. She checked once more before clicking it off, but there’d been no response.
“Let’s have a little fun,” she said with a smile.
Chapter Thirty-One
Noelle fell back onto Phoebe’s bed, a pillow toppling down off the pile of them, landing on her chest. She hugged it. She’d needed a friendly face, so after she’d taken Lucas over to her parents’ early for school she went straight to Phoebe’s. “I don’t have a plan,” she admitted. “For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan. Everything’s going wrong.”
“And you came to me for a plan?” Phoebe said dramatically. “Was Jo busy or something?”
Noelle laughed despite herself. “I don’t expect you to have a plan,” she said. “I came to you to make me feel better, and you are. You’re so good at it, Phoebe. I wish for one second I could see the world like you do. You just take things as they come w
ithout a care in the world.”
“My spontaneity got me a big fat breakup with my boyfriend,” she said, shaking her head, her face dropping. She was folding laundry from a basket, and putting the items into her closet.
“Everyone has difficult decisions, whether we’re planners or not,” Noelle said, “but I just wish I could throw caution to the wind and change my life. Do you realize you’re about to change your life, Phoebe? It may never be the same again. Sometimes I wish I could do that.”
Phoebe stopped and looked at her friend, the heavy pink sweater Noelle had gotten her for her birthday last year dangling from her fingertips. “Then do it.”
Noelle rolled over on the bed and sat up, crossing her legs and putting the pillow in her lap for an armrest. “Do what?”
“Be impulsive!” Phoebe plopped down on the bed beside her. “Come with me to LA like you always said you would. You’d have an apartment, I’m certain you could get a job, Lucas would have a new school with a new start, you could help me keep my mind off Paul so I don’t fall apart… Maybe bring a little of our world to the west coast. I’m imagining a busy coffee shop with a big sign that says East Coast Coffee and Bakery.”
“I just bought a new sign,” she said, that being her only argument.
“So? You aren’t a planner in this scenario, remember. We’ll get a new sign with my first paycheck.”
“What about the coffee shop? Gram would’ve wanted it to succeed here in Richmond.” With that question, Noelle told herself that she wasn’t considering this ridiculous idea; she was merely making conversation.
“It will succeed. Just in a different location. I’ll even help you move that gigantic jukebox.” Phoebe pushed her red hair behind her shoulder, a nonchalant look on her face as if it were no big deal at all, but Noelle knew that she was really asking. This breakup with Paul was hitting her harder than she let on and Noelle knew that she would love nothing more than to have her support, because Phoebe always said that without Noelle, she’d go crazy. “Your stuff is probably still packed in that trailer, and if it isn’t, you can have it all packed in a day. Come with me. There’s nothing holding you here.”
Noelle picked at a loose string on the pillow in her lap, trying to figure out why she wasn’t saying anything to Phoebe, and she knew it was because she was actually contemplating the pros and cons of this ludicrous idea. Phoebe wasn’t entirely right. She did have one thing holding her here: her family. She’d miss her mom and dad, Heidi, and Pop-pop. Her mother had been the force that had held it all together, watching Lucas for her when she was working, and her dad had never let her go a day without a helping hand. Pop-pop would want to see the success of the coffee shop. Then there was Jo…
“You’re thinking too much,” Phoebe said. “I can tell. Don’t worry about the people you’re leaving—I know you are. I left Paul, for God’s sake. They’ll all still be here. You can invite them to visit any time you want. You know I love to give Gus a hard time,” she said with a smile. “Don’t think it through. Just do it.”
Noelle had thought through every decision she’d ever made, and she was no better off than if she hadn’t planned a thing. But could she move across the country?
“If and only if the coffee shop doesn’t make money by the New Year’s deadline, I’ve come up with a list. Here are the pros,” Noelle told Jo, as they sat across from each other, two plates of pasta in front of them. She’d been making a mental list ever since she’d left Phoebe’s. At first, the idea of moving seemed ridiculous, but now, Noelle wondered if it could be just what she needed. When Noelle had said she wanted to meet Jo for lunch, her friend had come right away, like she always did. “I already have an apartment with Phoebe; I’d be able to expose Lucas to another location, which I love to do; and I could leave the Harrington mansion behind.”
Jo twirled her fork on her plate and lifted a bite of pasta. She’d ordered something with white wine sauce. “That last one is a pro? Or a con?”
“Definitely a pro. Lucas is way too attached to Alex and he’s going to get his heart broken. I’m a nervous wreck about it. Alex has already made his decision. He’s gone, Jo. He’s moved to New York. There’s nothing I can do about it.” She took a drink of her iced water, her mouth feeling abnormally dry. She’d said it as if it were easy to leave, and she knew it would be harder than that, but if Alex wasn’t coming back, William would be the only person keeping her there, and she could easily stay in touch with him. She’d considered how much she’d miss him, though.
“Fair enough. So what are the cons, then?”
“I’ll miss everyone so much—I’ll be a very long flight away. I’ll have to find a new job. I sank every penny I own into the bakery so I might not have the money that I’d need to make a move like this.”
Jo nodded in understanding. “What about Lucas? How would he deal with moving?”
“I’m going to ask him, but I think he would be fine with it, although he might have a tough time being away from my mom and dad. He’s always up for an adventure, though.”
“I think this one is really up to you, Noelle. I don’t see anything wrong with making a new start. People do it all the time. You just have to decide if it’s what you want.” She smiled and picked up her wine, holding it by the stem. “I’m proud of you for even considering it. You’re finally thinking about you instead of everyone else.”
By the time Lucas was heading to bed, Noelle’s temples were throbbing. She’d contemplated the move with Phoebe to Los Angeles all afternoon, going back and forth between thinking it was the stupidest idea she’d ever heard of and feeling completely hopeful that it might be something great. She wanted to talk it out with Lucas just to get a feel for his thoughts, but she was worried that this might not be the time to ask him because he’d been a little bit blue this evening. Alex hadn’t texted back.
The snow had been coming down and it was accumulating rapidly. To lift his spirits, she’d suggested to Lucas that they could go sledding. He’d been happy about it but still preoccupied; he’d checked her phone twice since they’d gotten home from school and Alex still hadn’t responded. This situation made the idea of moving even more enticing.
After his bath and stories, she lay down with him, both of them looking upward at the glass chandelier above the bed, and she decided to bring up moving. “It’s cold,” she said.
“Mm hm.” He didn’t turn to look at her.
“Wouldn’t it be nice to be somewhere warm right now?”
He finally turned. “Like the beach.”
“Somewhere with palm trees and sandy sidewalks.”
“Yeah.” He straightened back out and peered up at the ceiling again.
“Phoebe wants us to take an adventure with her, but I wasn’t sure if you’d want to go.”
Sleepily, Lucas rolled over onto his side and propped his little head on his hand. “What kind of adventure?”
“She wants us to move with her to Los Angeles, California. We’d live with her. It’s warm all year round there. And we could go to the beach after school. I was thinking I might even be able to open a coffee shop there.”
“Maybe it could be an ice cream shop,” he said with a little smile. Then his face crumpled with his thought, his brows pulling together and his tiny lips pursed. “Do you think that’s where we belong? Or is it just another stop?”
Unsure how to answer, she said, “I guess we won’t know until we get there. What do you think? Would you like to go? We won’t go if you don’t want to.”
“I think it sounds fun.”
She couldn’t help but smile. The warm breezes and sunshine might do her some good. She needed to get out of this rut she was in and figure out what she was meant to do. It felt completely unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable, but maybe that was what she needed. Perhaps by getting out of her comfort zone, she’d find what was meant for her.
“So that’s a yes, then?”
“I was hoping this was where we belonged.”
She didn’t want to admit that she did too. “It is nice here, isn’t it?’
“Yeah, but not as much without Alex, so I’m okay if we move again.”
Her heart broke for him. She’d known this would happen. And she felt like it was all her fault. She’d allowed Alex into their lives and she shouldn’t have. She was too caught up in her own feelings and now this was the price she had to pay for it.
“I’m okay with it too,” she said.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Noelle had been mulling over the idea of moving for the last couple of days. She worried about leaving Gram’s shop behind. She could take all Gram’s things with her—all the pieces of Gram that she loved: the recipes, her favorite dishes, the jukebox, the books… But she felt like it just wouldn’t be the same. She tried to convince herself that the building was just a place and she’d have the memories and all Gram’s things with her, so it would be fine, but she still felt a little uneasy.
She parked at the end of the street down from the bakery and walked her usual path, as she went to meet Pop-pop. It was the first time she’d seen him since she’d been to his house and she felt a little uneasy with the knowledge she was holding about Gram’s connection to the Harringtons. He was waiting for her at one of the tables in the main room. It had been pushed to the edge near the others that still had the chairs turned upside down on top of them. He was smiling, looking around at her hard work, but all she saw was a lot more ahead of her, with not much time to do it.
“I’ve been considering something,” she said, setting down her coat and pulling a chair over to sit next to him, “but I wouldn’t dare do it without your consent.” She had more than the bakery to talk about with him, but she figured she’d start with the easier topic first. She wasn’t ready to tell him what she knew about that costume jewelry he thought he’d found.