Going, Going, Gone! with the Pain and the Great One

by Judy Blume

  “He’s not that brave,” the Great One said.

  Justin and Dylan gave me high fives. Then Dr. Itchee sat on the edge of my table.

  “Okay, boys,” she said. “I want you to listen carefully to what I’m going to say.” She looked from Dylan to Justin to me. “Are you listening?” she asked.

  We all nodded.

  “Never, and I mean never, put anything up your nose that doesn’t belong there.”

  “What belongs there?” Justin asked.

  “Maybe nose spray,” Dr. Itchee said. “But only if the doctor prescribes it. And never put anything in your ears, either. Not even a Q-tip.”

  “How about between your toes?” Dylan said.

  “Between your toes is okay,” Dr. Itchee said. “There’s no place for it to get lost. But never put anything in any of your bodily orifices.”

  “Body offices?” I started thinking about having offices inside my body. And every day tiny people would go to work there.

  “Orifices,” Dr. Itchee said.

  “They don’t know that word,” Mom told her.

  “Even I don’t know that word,” the Great One said. “And I know a lot of words.”

  “It means openings,” Dr. Itchee said. “And in this case it means bodily openings.”

  “You mean holes?” Justin asked.

  “Yes,” Dr. Itchee said. “Nothing goes in any of your—”

  “Holes!” Dylan sang. Then the three of us laughed.

  Dr. Itchee sighed. “Let’s call them bodily openings, okay?”

  “What about food?” Justin asked. “Food goes into your mouth and that’s a—”

  “Hole!” Dylan sang again.

  Mom said, “Boys—listen to Dr. Itchee. She’s trying to tell you something important.”

  “Thank you,” Dr. Itchee said to Mom. “Jake was lucky today. But I’ve seen kids who weren’t so lucky. So I want you all to promise you’ll never do that.”

  “I promise,” I said.

  “Me too,” Dylan said, “even though it was a fun game!”

  Justin said, “I already knew not to put anything up my nose because my dad’s a doctor.”

  Dr. Itchee looked surprised. “Then why did you do it?”

  Justin shrugged. “Because my friends did.”

  “Just because your friends do something doesn’t mean you should.”

  Justin’s face turned red. He looked like he was going to cry. Mom said, “I think Justin knows that now. I think they all understand. Right, boys?”

  We nodded. Then I said, “Can we go home now?”

  Dr. Itchee said we could.

  “And can I take that furry booger with me?” I asked.

  “Euwww …” the Great One said. “That would be so disgusting!”

  “I like being disgusting,” I told her.

  “And you’re really good at it!” she said.

  “Thanks,” I answered.

  “You’re not welcome.”

  I laughed with my friends. Then we all went out for ice cream.

  KAPOOIE ONE

  Yesterday it snowed. The first snow of the season. We built a snowman and put Dad’s old rain hat on top of his head. But last night it rained and made a mess of the snow. It’s still raining. A rainy December Sunday. Not that Dad’s rain hat is helping our snowman. I watched out the window as he melted away.

  When he was just about gone, Dad called, “Who wants to go to a movie at the mall?”

  “I do,” the Pain shouted. “I want to see Fried.”

  “No fair!” I said. Because who wants to see a stupid movie about a bunch of robots trying to fry each other? “I want to see Unicorn.”

  “Unicorn?” the Pain said. “That’s a girl movie!”

  “Is not!” I told him. “It’s about two boys and a girl.”

  “But it’s still a girl movie!”

  “We’ll only go if you can compromise,” Dad told us.

  “What’s compo … what’s that word?” the Pain asked.

  “Compromise,” Dad said. “It means decide together. It means if Abigail wants red and Jake wants blue …”

  Before Dad could finish I called, “We choose purple!”

  “Good thinking, Abigail,” Dad said.

  I smiled. I like being a good thinker.

  Then Dad added, “But that’s not necessarily the way it works, because maybe there is no purple. Maybe you have to decide on either red or blue because those are the only choices.”

  “I know,” I said to Dad. “You can take the Pain to see Fried and Mom can take me to see Unicorn.” I knew that was good thinking!

  But Dad said, “Mom needs the afternoon off to catch up on work.”

  “Okay,” the Pain said, just like that. “I’ll see the unicorn movie.”

  “You will?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he said. “Because I’m a good compo …”

  “Compromiser,” Dad said.

  That made me mad. “How come you didn’t give me the chance to prove what a good compromiser I am?” I asked Dad.

  “I’m sure you’ll have the chance to prove how well you can compromise very soon.” Dad checked his watch. “Go and get ready. We’ll have lunch at the food court.”

  “Yay, the food court!” the Pain shouted. “I want pizza!”

  “I want burritos!” I shouted louder.

  “Pizza!”

  “Burritos!”

  “Children,” Dad said. “It’s time for another compromise.”

  “So soon?” I asked.

  “I told you you’d get the chance to prove how well you can compromise,” Dad said to me.

  But before I could say anything, the Pain sang, “Okay, I’ll have burritos.”

  “Yay … burritos!” I sang.

  “Not so fast, Abigail,” Dad said. “You got to choose the movie. Jake gets to choose which kind of food to have.”

  “But Dad … he only eats white food. Doesn’t that make it unfair?”

  “There’s no restaurant in the food court that serves only white food,” Dad reminded me. “So I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

  The Pain was smiling that sly smile of his.

  “Okay,” I said. “Pizza.”

  The Pain shouted, “Yay … pizza!”

  The mall was crowded. Holiday music was playing and there were decorations everywhere. A big cardboard Santa held a sign pointing to Santa’s Workshop. That reminded me of something. So I started telling Dad this story about when I was little and Aunt Diana took me to Macy’s to see Santa and I cried because when I sat on Santa’s lap he kept ho-ho-ho-ing in my face and he had the most disgusting breath ever.

  Dad said, “Was Jake there too?”

  “Jake isn’t in this story,” I said.

  “Who wants to be in your boring old story?” the Pain mumbled.

  My story got longer and longer because one thing led to another and Dad finally said, “How does this story end, Abigail?”

  And I said, “It ends … it ends when … um …” And then I looked over at the Pain but he wasn’t there. I turned and checked behind me. He wasn’t there either. I looked all around. But he wasn’t anywhere. So I tugged Dad’s arm and said, “Where’s the Pain?”

  “I thought you said Jake isn’t in this story.”

  “Dad—I mean he’s gone. One minute he was next to me and then kapooie—just like that, he wasn’t.”

  Dad looked in every direction. Then he ran up and down the mall, calling “Jake … Jake … where are you?”

  I tried to catch up with him. “Dad … wait!”

  By then Dad had found a security guard. “My son!” Dad said. He sounded out of breath. “My son is missing!”

  The security guard went into action, pressing numbers on his walkie-talkie. “Don’t worry, sir,” he said to Dad. “We deal with this all the time.”

  “His name is Jake,” Dad told the security guard. “He’s six years old.”

  “He’ll be seven in April,” I adde
d.

  “He’s missing his top two front teeth,” Dad said. “He has brown hair and brown eyes, and he’s wearing a … a …”

  I finished for him. “A gray sweatshirt with a big kangaroo on the front. Aunt Diana brought it back from Australia, and …”

  Before I could finish telling about the Pain’s clothes we were at the security station. Mom’s told us a million times, if we ever get separated at the mall, we should tell a security guard. She says he’ll take us to the security station and that’s where she’ll come to find us. Maybe the Pain forgot our plan, because he wasn’t there. And no one had heard anything about a boy who was lost.

  Suddenly, I heard a man’s voice over the loudspeaker. “Attention, shoppers! We have a missing six-year-old boy last seen near Toy City. If you see him, notify security immediately.” Then he described the Pain. After that he said, “Stay where you are, Jake. We’re going to find you.”

  “Try to stay calm, sir,” another security guard said to Dad.

  I wanted to tell him my dad is always calm. I wanted to say there’s no one in the whole world who’s more calm than my dad! But I didn’t. Because I could see in Dad’s eyes that he was worried. And seeing Dad that way was scary. If I was the one who was lost, Dad wouldn’t be worried. He’d just say, Abigail, we missed our movie because of you.

  Now there were security guards everywhere, and regular police too. I could see them from the window of the security station. Some of them were driving around in carts. And the loudspeakers didn’t let up.

  “We’ll find him,” the guard told Dad.

  “I know we will,” Dad said. “We have to.”

  And then you can tell him what a pain he is! I thought. And how he made us miss our movie! I didn’t actually say any of that out loud. Because I started to think of the Pain being lost and scared. Then I got scared and grabbed Dad.

  “It’s going to be okay, Abigail,” he said.

  “Promise?” I asked.

  He hugged me. “Promise.”

  KAPOOIE TWO

  The Great One’s story was so boring I stopped listening. When we passed Toy City, I saw a big crowd. I wondered what all those kids were looking at. I wiggled my way up front to see. And there it was—a giant robot made of LEGOs, walking up and down in the window. I pressed my face against the glass. That robot was way bigger than Dad. That robot was huge! It was incredible. It was the most incredible LEGO toy ever! “Can you believe it?” I said to the Great One. “Don’t you wish someone would give you that for Christmas or Hanukkah?” We’re lucky because we have a Christmas grandpa and a Hanukkah grandma.

  The Great One said, “Yes, I would like that LEGO set. How about you? What else do you wish you could have?”

  I looked up then, because that voice didn’t sound anything like the Great One. And when I did I got a big surprise—because it wasn’t the Great One! It was some other girl. She was maybe in fifth grade. “You’re not my sister!” I shouted.

  And she answered, “Did I say I was?”

  “No, but you’re talking to me,” I told her.

  “You talked to me first,” she said.

  “I wasn’t talking to you,” I said. “I was talking to my sister.”

  “Fine,” she said. And she walked away.

  I thought the Great One was right behind me, with Dad. But when I looked around, I didn’t see them. Probably she and Dad were inside the store. So I went in too. It was crowded. I felt like I was swimming through an ocean of legs. Legs and shopping bags and raincoats and dripping umbrellas. I pushed my way through the store, but I couldn’t find Dad or the Great One.

  I knew the food court and the movies were upstairs. So I got on the Up escalator. I’m not supposed to go on the escalator without holding hands. But I did it anyway. And when I got off, I stood at the top and looked around. No one was watching so I decided to go for it. I decided to do something I’ve always wanted to try. I walked down the Up escalator. And nothing bad happened! Some people looked at me, but nobody said anything. Then I rode it back upstairs.

  When I got off the escalator this time, I saw the bookstore. They must be in there! I thought. We always stop at the bookstore when we’re at the mall. So I raced through the store until I came to the children’s section. I was sure I’d find the Great One sitting in the red beanbag chair with a pile of books. Instead, who was there? The girl from Toy City. She was sitting in the beanbag chair, reading. “My sister likes that book,” I told her.

  She looked up. “You again!” she said. “Are you following me?”

  “No,” I told her. “Are you following me?”

  “How could I be following you when I was here first?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Where is your sister, anyway? How come she’s not with you?”

  “I don’t need her!” I said. “I know where the food court is and I know where the movie is too.”

  “You’re going to the movies?” she asked. “So am I. What are you going to see?”

  “It’s a compo … it’s a compro …” I started to say. But I couldn’t remember that word.

  “Never heard of it,” she said. And she went back to her book.

  I left the bookstore and looked around. I was angry at Dad for getting lost with the Great One. He should know better. I started to feel funny then. I could feel the thump, thump, thump of my heart. And a big lump in my throat.

  Suddenly, I heard a voice coming from everywhere. At first I thought I was dreaming, because it sounded like Dad. “Jake … don’t worry, son. We’ll find you. You won’t be lost for long.” It was Dad!

  “I’m not lost,” I said. “You are!”

  Dad kept talking. “Don’t go anywhere with anyone.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “If you’re in a store, tell a salesperson or a cashier who you are. And they’ll know what to do,” Dad said.

  “Okay,” I answered again, thinking he could hear me the way I could hear him.

  I went into the nearest store. It was the skate and surf store. The music inside was so loud I had to shout at the guy behind the counter. “Hi, I’m Jake.”

  “Hey, dude,” he said to me.

  “You know what to do, right?”

  “Sorry, dude, I’m really busy right now.”

  “Should I wait?”

  “Up to you, dude.”

  I decided to go up to the cashier instead.

  “I’m Jake,” I told him.

  “Cool name.”

  “My dad’s looking for me.”

  “Don’t worry, dude. Your secret’s safe with me.”

  What secret? “Maybe I should go to another store,” I said.

  He shrugged. “Whatever.”

  When I came out of the dude store, I saw the lights spelling out PIZZA. I ran up to the counter and I said, “I’m Jake.”

  “What’ll you have, Jake?” the server man asked.

  “You’re supposed to say you found me,” I told him.

  “Okay, sure.” He snapped his fingers like he was a magician. “I found you!”

  I told him, “No, not like that.”

  “What is this?” he asked. “Some kind of knock-knock joke?”

  I heard Dad’s voice again. “Jake … Where are you, Jake?”

  “At the pizza place,” I said. I’m hungry, so I’m going to eat, okay? You said we could have pizza.”

  “Yeah, sure kid,” the server man said. He thought I was talking to him. “What’ll it be?”

  “I only eat white food,” I told him.

  “So you want a white pizza?”

  “Okay.”

  “We’ll call you when it’s ready.”

  “My name is Jake.”

  “Yeah, you already said.”

  Then I heard another voice saying, “Jake is six years old. He’s wearing jeans and a gray sweatshirt with a kangaroo on it. He has brown hair and brown eyes. He’s missing two front teeth. Please stop a police officer or a security guard if you spot Jake.�
��

  I sat down at a table to wait for my food. And suddenly, three big girls surrounded me. They started jumping up and down. “It’s him! It’s him! You’re Jake, right?”

  “How do you know my name?” I asked.

  “They’re only blaring it all over the mall,” one of them said.

  Then another one shouted, “We found him! We found Jake!” And she waved her arms around.

  More people made a circle around me. A woman with curly hair called, “I’ll watch him. You get security!”

  That’s when I got scared. “I want my dad!” I said.

  “He wants his dad,” they repeated.

  “And my sister,” I said.

  “And his sister,” they repeated, like we were doing a play.

  “Don’t worry, Jake,” the woman with the curly hair said. “They’ll be here soon.”

  Then the girl from the bookstore inched in close to the curly-haired woman. She looked at me. “Why didn’t you say you were lost?”

  “I wasn’t lost!”

  “Do you two know each other?” the curly-haired woman said.

  “Not really,” the girl said.

  “Vera, this is Jake,” the curly-haired woman said. “Jake, this is my daughter, Vera.”

  “I want my dad!” I said again. I thought about crying.

  But then Dad was pushing through the crowd. The Great One was right behind him, shoving people out of her way. When Dad spotted me, he called, “Jake!” I jumped up from the table and ran to him. He scooped me up and kissed me a hundred times. He held me so tight I could hardly breathe. But I didn’t care.

  When he put me down, the Great One said, “Why did you do that?”

  “Do what?” I asked.

  “Get lost,” she said.

  “I didn’t get lost. You and Dad got lost.”

  “That’s crazy,” she argued. “You lost us!”

  “No,” I said. “I was looking in the window, talking to you. And then you were gone!”

  “No, I was walking along talking to Dad, and then you were gone!” she said. “And you scared Dad so bad!”

  “I did?”

  “Yes, but you didn’t scare me! I always knew you were okay. I mean, who’d want to steal you? You were just being a pain, same as always!”