“How… why…”
Kip flicked his wrist, throwing the picture at me. “Look at the picture. Then go talk to Barr. I’m done dancing with the past, girl. If I go back there too much and too far I won’t come back.”
Kip walked away.
I crouched and picked the picture up off the ground.
It was of Kip and I assumed to be Kait.
His arm around her. A big smile on his face.
They were at the beach.
The same beach I had walked so many times since coming to BFH.
I studied her features and understood it.
We sort of looked alike.
I could have been a cheap and easy replacement to what Kip lost. To what he wasn’t allowed to have.
I covered my mouth and wasn’t sure whether to feel sick or feel more anger.
There was more to the story.
And Barr was the next on my list of assholes who needed to start talking.
* * *
“Let’s go for a ride, love,” Barr offered. “We’ll take my car out and find somewhere to be alone.”
“We’re alone right here,” I said.
“Fair enough,” he said as he shut the side door to his house.
“Too good to invite me to your apartment in your mansion?” I asked.
“The look on your face worries me, love. The face that tells me you can’t let shit ever rest.”
“Not when Kip called me Kait when he was drunk.”
Barr put his head back. “Oh, shit.”
“Yeah. He called me Kait and told me how much he loved me and never wanted to lose me and all kinds of shit.”
“I’m not going to talk about her,” Barr said.
I held up the picture. “Too late, Barr. Kip gave me this. Told me who she was. What happened. And he also said you knew something too.”
“Kip sent you here for that, huh? Motherfucker can’t let shit go.”
“Let what go?” I asked. “What is happening with you three?”
“You know what happened, love? You did. You happened.”
“Excuse me?”
“Fuck,” Barr said. “We should have just let shit be. But that wasn’t possible. Pres caught sight of you and wanted to make a statement. Then Kip wanted to start a game. All because you looked like his foster sister. He seriously thought he had his chance with her. Through you. And me? I’m just me, love. Hanging back, watching this shit go wild.”
“Yeah right,” I said. “You’re so fucking innocent, huh?”
“I never said that,” Barr said. “But I’m real enough to do what needs to be done.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
Barr pointed the picture. “Kip sent you here to remind me of BC.”
“BC?” I asked. “Those guys you all hate so much?”
“Yeah. They’re the reason Kait died.”
“How?”
“Fuck, love,” Barr said, rubbing his chin. “Look, it’s simple. BFH is free and clear of all that shit. So to get it you have to leave. Understand?”
“No,” I said. “Are you talking in code or something?”
“Drugs, love,” Barr said. “Christ. It’s about drugs. There’s none here. It’s not allowed. Trust me. You don’t fuck with that. But outside of here…”
“BC?” I asked.
“Yeah. When I left there, I set bridges on fire. They burned. But they didn’t collapse. I’m a marked guy, love. They hate me. They’ll do anything to get back at me. Thinking I turned my back on them. They are ruthless. I tried to step in and get Kait away from that shit. Kip was lost when it all happened. Never saw him so broken. At least not until she died. He was drinking. Fighting. Doing anything to get rid of his pain. I stepped in and it was the worst thing I could have done. They set Kait up with something and it killed her. There was nothing I - or anyone else - could do to prove it. Not to mention Kip’s parents wanted nothing to do with it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on, love. It’s about image here. Appearances. They brought in a foster kid. And she ends up twisted on junk and dies. That looks bad. So there was no reason for them to push at the situation. They just let it go. Let her go.”
My stomach felt sick. “And Kip…”
“It’s touchy,” Barr said. “Got it? Kip blamed me. I pushed back at him. We fought. Hard. A lot. We were ready to kill each other until Pres finally stepped in and fixed it all. He reminded us of who we were and what we were doing. And shit needed to get sorted out.”
“This is insane, Barr.”
“Try living through it,” he said. “That’s why the fights with BC will never end. There is no fixing it. And when they went near you…”
“Brought back memories.”
“You got it, love.”
“That’s why Pres is so distant now?” I asked. “Looking for a way…”
“Why don’t you stop digging,” Barr said. “Nothing good ever comes from it. For someone who’s looking to get the fuck out of this place, you keep finding excuses to stay.”
“You told me to stay,” I said.
“You listened.”
“I wanted answers, Barr. Why you three chose me. Why you three made your bet. And why…”
“I need a smoke,” Barr said. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
Barr went inside.
I counted to three and opened the door myself.
He could smoke in his room and I could keep asking questions.
There was more to this.
More to everything.
And, fine, they were all right about me. That I shouldn’t have been digging into things. But why not? These were the toughest and baddest guys in BFH and they had stories that were impossible to not want to know everything about.
I walked the hallway toward Barr’s room and the door opened.
He stepped out with a cigarette between his lips.
Unlit.
He looked back and looked at me.
“Following me, love?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m not…”
The bedroom door opened the rest of the way.
And there stood some girl.
With black hair that was messy.
With a blanket wrapped around her body.
“Who’s this?” she asked Barr.
He casually lit his cigarette.
He took a drag.
“That’s Tinsley,” Barr said.
The girl looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
I forced my eyes to Barr.
He was cold. Silent. Smoking as coolly as he always did.
But there was something evil within him.
Or maybe I was overreacting.
He could do whatever he wanted, right? He could fuck anyone he wanted.
All it did was add to the confusion.
I had gone from the dirty poor girl to the fake rich girl kissing the Rulz. Wanting more from them. Not sure what that meant or how to make it happen. All the while telling myself to guard my heart.
Yet the second Kip called me Kait, my heart cracked.
And now seeing some girl wrapped in a blanket, sex written all over her face, my heart cracked some more.
“Sorry for bothering you,” I said.
I turned and hurried away.
Barr called my name once.
And that was it.
I was tired of running through giant houses, trying to find a door.
I missed the apartment.
The shitty and crammed apartment.
The smells of it.
It was easy to come and go.
When I got outside, I stopped and touched my stomach.
You’re not crying, Ti. You knew who they were. This is what they do.
“You got your answer, love.”
I turned and Barr stood a few feet away.
“Go back to your new friend,” I said. “How much did she cost?”
“Nothing,” Barr said. “Just a little pi
ece of regret.”
“Regret, huh?” I asked.
“Not sure what you thought this was, love,” Barr said. “You and me.”
He took a drag of his cigarette.
My heart cracked a little bit more.
“I guess you’ve made it clear,” I said. “Really fucking clear.”
“It’s for your own good,” Barr said. “Trust me. You’ll thank me someday. There’s no more confusion or wondering what to do next. Or where to go next.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Barr smirked. He flicked the cigarette to the ground. “Go home, love. Where you belong. This was never a thing. I’ll cover your ass while you’re here. Because I owe it to Pres and Kip. That you don’t have to worry about. But you in my bed? You between the sheets? Not going to happen, love. Never was.”
I swallowed hard and tried to think of something really nasty to say.
But there was nothing coming out of my mouth.
Barr was being as brutally honest as I’d ever seen someone in my life.
He went back inside.
All I could picture was him going back to his room to live the truth he just spoke to me. Taking some random girl to bed for fun, comfort, and a way to hurt me to keep me away.
I looked down at his cigarette burning on the ground.
I stepped forward and on the cigarette.
A tear fell from my left eye as I nodded.
The games were over.
The truth was coming out.
And I was the one getting crushed more than the cigarette under my foot.
fourteen
fourteen
I went home.
Not home, home but the only home I knew at the moment.
I went to Claire’s.
I couldn’t stand to look at Kip. At least not for a little bit. My mind and heart were still trying to process all he told me. And what Barr did. Fine, he was being honest, but that did nothing to protect my heart.
And Pres wasn’t answering his phone.
He was so distant, he was like the horizon out on the ocean. When the water and the sky came together, giving some kind of illusion that they were actually touching when in reality they never did.
Maybe that was Pres and I.
An illusion.
Which made sense.
That’s how it had been with the Rulz from the day I showed up.
From a distance it looked like Pres and I were touching. Like we were together. Like things were going to explode in a way that would make my toes curl and definitely make me want to call BFH home for good.
It hadn’t been long since I left Claire’s and I was sure she probably hadn’t even noticed I was gone. It wasn’t like I left a note or actually ran away. Her house was too big for that. And I was driving one of her vehicles to get away. Meaning she could have easily tracked me down.
Everything around me was big and expensive. A house that was bigger than anything I had ever lived in. And yet I had less space than when I lived in the cramped apartment with Mom.
That was an intense feeling.
Very intense.
I walked through the front door and had the sudden urge to yell that I was home. Announce my arrival and play out that childhood dream of having parents that were waiting and excited to see me. Just once in my life I would have loved to come home and have someone making dinner or smile when they saw me and ask how my day was. Or like you’d see in shows and movies… me having a bad day and Mom hurrying to get us some chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk so we could talk about how much boys are jerks.
Nope.
That was never my reality.
I’d have to come home and scope out the apartment for any messes Mom left behind. Stuff that I’d have to wear rubber gloves to touch and carefully throw out. Knowing that one slip up on my end and I could accidentally hurt myself. Knowing that all it took was the cops showing up once and she would be arrested and put away for a long time.
Amazing how those thoughts were in my mind as I walked through the foyer toward the kitchen of Claire’s house.
Talk about two completely different kinds of lives.
I passed through the kitchen and laughed out loud when I saw Tucker outside near the pool. Standing in a dirty t-shirt and jeans, with what looked like work boots, hands in his pockets.
I carefully approached the giant panes of glass to see if Claire was outside with him.
She wasn’t.
He was there alone.
Two choices came to mind.
Walk away.
Or go talk to him.
The feeling in my belly was hard to describe as I stood there.
He was my father.
It was still hard to understand that.
This man… that man… Tucker.
My father.
Meaning he and Mom were once together.
As a couple.
They loved each other.
Then they didn’t.
I stood there too long.
Tucker turned and looked right at me.
He didn’t wave. He didn’t try to come rushing at me.
He just gave a quick head nod.
Which was good enough, I guess.
My heart felt like it was two versions of itself.
The first version was reality. And that Tucker did the right thing by keeping his distance. Nodding at me. Not pushing at me. Knowing that what happened before was all because of Claire basically lying.
Claire… lying…
That seemed to be her thing.
The second version of myself was Tinsley Ditkiss, age eight. The little girl desperate for someone to love her. For someone to be her protector when she needed it the most. For someone to read her a bedtime story and check her room for monsters. For someone to sneak her outside in the dark to look at the stars and eat ice cream and talk about life. That version wanted Tucker to kick through the glass and grab me and hug me. Kiss the top of my head and say I love you, daughter.
That version though… she still believed in The Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.
So of course she believed in the love from her father.
None of it existed.
Even still, I slowly reached for the door and opened it.
“Hey,” Tucker said.
I swallowed hard. “Hey. Claire here?”
Tucker shook his head. “She's on site.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I actually came to see you,” Tucker said. “Stopped over a few times and you weren’t here. Claire said you were out with friends. I think that’s amazing, Tinsley. That you’ve been making friends here.”
Gee, thanks, Dad.
“Right,” I said. “What did you want with me?”
“To keep talking. If that’s okay.”
“What is there to talk about?”
“A lot. I felt set up last time. You obviously weren’t ready. That’s not your fault.”
“I know that,” I said.
“There’s something I want to tell you.”
I shut my eyes and sighed. “I don’t want to hear anything else about you and Mom. Okay?” I opened my eyes. “I don’t really care. The past is the past.”
“You’re right,” Tucker said. “The past is the past. That’s really strong of you to say, Tinsley.”
“Do me a favor, Tucker,” I said. I knew that would hurt him to hear his name from my lips instead of Dad. “Stop talking to me like I’m a kid.”
Tucker nodded. “Right. Sorry.”
“I’m going to go now,” I said.
“Just wait,” Tucker said. He stepped toward me. He reached for me. “I have to say something.”
I shook my head. “No.”
“The real reason I wanted to talk to you. To answer your question… why now…”
“Why now…,” I whispered. “Right.”
Tucker made fists and looked like he was in pain. “It wasn’t just you, Tinsley.”
; “Not just me… what?”
“You’re not an only child,” Tucker said.
“What?” I asked. I hurried toward Tucker and touched his arm. "I have…”
Tucker tightened his lips together for a few seconds. Then he said, “A sister…”
* * *
“So what do you want here?” I asked Tucker. “You want to have one big family reunion? Is that what this is? You waited for Mom to fuck up again and land in rehab? Or did Claire have something to do with it?” I touched my lips and shook my head. “Wait. She purposely stepped in and put Mom into rehab for this, didn’t she? She always wanted a family and couldn’t have one.”
“Tinsley, wait a second,” Tucker said. “Back up a few steps. This isn’t what you think. At all. Let me explain everything to you.”
“Try me,” I said. “I’m not an only child. I have family somewhere. This is…”
“She’s not around anymore,” Tucker said.
“So? I don’t care where she is. I’ll find her.”
“Shit, Tinsley,” Tucker said. “You’re not listening to me. She’s not around. She’s… gone. She’s… she passed away.”
I felt my throat close, open, and I felt like my stomach was going to empty itself right there.
“What?”
“She passed away,” Tucker said. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t even there. It was the same situation as with your mother. I messed up really bad with everything. When your mother got pregnant, she had such a time with it. I tried to be there. She was mad. She hated me for it. Like I did something wrong. And I knew it was only because she couldn’t do what she wanted to do. And remember that, Tinsley.” Tucker pointed at me. “Your mother never once did anything when she was pregnant with you.”
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to think about that.
That instantly made her a good mother then? Because she didn’t use while pregnant?
“I left for a little bit,” Tucker said. “She wasn’t alone though. She had Claire.”
“Of course she did,” I said.
“Tinsley, I found someone else,” Tucker said. “This beautiful woman on the beach. She was wild, fun, free. She was crazy about me and I was crazy about her. And I know… everyone thinks I’m crazy for it. How can you fall in love with someone on the first day you meet them, right? I did.”
“You cheated on Mom while she was pregnant,” I said.
UNTamed: a bay falls high novel Page 13