by Amy Clipston
As she washed the dishes and then set them in the drainboard, she looked out the window above the sink. Two birds fluttered around a feeder, taking turns eating the seeds. What would her life be like now, and what kind of parents would she and Leroy be? Would they become a tender, loving couple that set the right example for her child?
Her thoughts continued to swirl as she scrubbed the utensils, rinsed them, and set them in the drainboard. Leroy had been sweet and accommodating since they’d arrived home last night. But how long would his patience last? At some point he might suddenly demand she start acting like a wife, including sharing his bed, no matter what the emotional cost was to her.
As she picked up Leroy’s mug, a hand clamped onto her arm. Startled, she threw up her hands and shrieked, tossing the mug into the air. It crashed to the floor, sending an explosion of white ceramic pieces flittering around her slippers like confetti.
Mattie gasped and clutched a hand to her chest as she worked to slow her racing pulse. She looked up at Leroy as the corners of his dark eyes crinkled and his lips pressed into a thin line. His light-brown hair was combed, and stubble sprouted along his strong jaw. She took in his long, thin nose and chiseled cheekbones. He looked somehow different—older and more mature.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to break your mug.” Her lips trembled. “I’ll clean it up.”
“Don’t move.” He held up his hand to stop her. “You don’t have shoes on, and the sharp edges could cut you through those thin slippers. I’ll do it.” He got a dustpan and broom from the pantry and swept up the mess before depositing it into the trash can.
“I’m so sorry.” Her voice was thin and quaky. “I didn’t hear you come up behind me.”
“Stop apologizing. I’m the one who should be sorry.” He grimaced. “I thought you heard me.” He started to reach for her arm and then pulled it back. “It’s just a mug, Mattie. It’s not a big deal. Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine.” She pushed a long strand of hair behind her shoulder, and his gaze lingered on her hair for a long moment before meeting her eyes again. It must have bothered him that she hadn’t covered her head before coming out to the kitchen for breakfast. She should’ve grabbed a bandana or scarf, but she had rushed out of the bedroom to help with breakfast.
“I’ll see you at lunch?” His eyes held hers.
“Ya. I’ll have your lunch ready at noon, okay?”
“Sounds gut.” He held her gaze for a moment longer and then headed out through the mudroom, the screen door clicking shut behind him.
Once he was gone, Mattie leaned forward on the sink and closed her eyes. When would she feel normal again, and would this new awkwardness between Leroy and her ever dissipate?
Leroy adjusted the straw hat on his head as he walked down the rock path toward the harness shop. The morning sun heated his face and birds sang in nearby trees, mocking his bleak mood. He frowned as the scene in the kitchen filled his mind. Mattie’s eyes had been so wide when he’d startled her and caused her to break the mug. Then she’d cowered and apologized as if she’d committed an unforgivable sin.
Her reaction made no sense at all. Why on earth would Mattie ever fear him? When they were kids, they walked to and from school together, and some days they’d discuss everything from their schoolwork to their deepest secrets. They were always close, and he’d always been kind and respectful to her.
Surely Mattie believed Leroy would never, ever hurt her—physically or emotionally. He cherished her, which is part of the reason he wanted to take care of her now that Isaiah was gone.
Leroy understood Mattie still struggled with bereavement, and of course she wasn’t ready for their relationship to be intimate, but he’d never imagined she’d completely close herself off to him. How was he supposed to maintain a close relationship and a marriage to someone who barely spoke to him and was startled when he touched her?
Give her time.
Leroy fished the key from his pocket and unlocked the harness shop. As he stepped inside, the smell of paint assaulted his senses. He propped open the front door and then opened the windows lining the walls. The harness shop was a large, open store with a work area in the back. Today Hank and Leroy planned to finish the painting while a friend etched “Bird-in-Hand Harness Shop” on one of the large front windows.
Leroy pulled on a smock and respirator. After shaking the paint can, he began painting walls in the main store area. He was grateful for the mundane work to keep him busy, and he longed to shut off his tumultuous thoughts.
As he moved the roller up and down the wall, his traitorous thoughts meandered back to his new wife. He’d made breakfast in an effort to give Mattie time to rest, both for her sake and for the baby’s. But she had seemed to be on edge when she entered the kitchen. Her posture was rigid and her eyes were unsure as she spoke to him. Still, she was stunningly beautiful with her golden hair cascading in waves past her waist.
Leroy had only seen her hair uncovered once before. It was when they were teenagers and they’d spent the day with friends at a nearby lake. She’d been breathtaking dressed in a modest red-and-white bathing suit with a skirt covering her to mid-thigh.
Leroy and Mattie had laughed and teased each other as they splashed in the lake. Although she’d left her hair up in a tight bun, it had fallen out after her first jump into the water. She’d removed the remaining hairpins and allowed her thick hair to hang to the middle of her back as she jumped off a rock again and then splashed him in the face. He could still recall the sound of her shrieks and giggles as he’d splashed her back. When she swam away, her hair had clung to her back. He’d yearned to reach out and touch her hair, but that would have been much too forward. Instead, he’d chased her, splashing her again, and she’d giggled in response.
Where was that playful girl now? Was she simply drowning in grief, or was there more to it? And more importantly, how could he get her back?
“I thought you might sleep in today.”
Leroy glanced over his shoulder to Hank standing in the doorway.
“Nope,” Leroy said, his voice muffled by the respirator. “No sleeping in today. We have too much work to do.” He dipped the roller into the paint tray and then moved it up and down the wall.
“Is everything all right?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Leroy kept his back to Hank as he worked.
“It’s just a feeling I get when I see you gripping that roller like you want to choke the life out of it,” Hank quipped.
Leroy looked down at his hand, and his knuckles were white. He blew out a deep sigh before dipping the roller into the tray again.
Hank pulled on a smock and respirator and then picked up a roller and began painting at the far end of the same wall. They worked in silence for several minutes, and Leroy was grateful Hank didn’t press him to explain his murky mood. The only sounds filling the shop were the whispers of the rollers moving up and down the wall.
“Danny should be here around eleven to etch the window.” Hank finally broke the silence. “Tim said he’d drop off the sign for the road either today or tomorrow.”
“Great.” Leroy set his roller in the pan and wiped the back of his hand across his sweaty brow.
Then he moved the roller through the paint and began painting in swift, choppy strokes. He had to find a way to convince Mattie he would never hurt her, but he had no idea how much more accommodating he could be. He could offer to move into the harness shop. Maybe he should put a bed in the back so she didn’t have to even see him for a while.
How ridiculous would that be?
“Leroy,” Hank said, his tone measured. “You can discuss whatever issue is eating at you if you think it might help your mood. I’m afraid you might snap that roller in half if you keep your frustrations bottled up. I don’t mean to pry into your private business, but I’m not sure we have the budget for more rollers.”
Leroy actually guffawed at his friend’s lame attempt at a joke, and it loosened so
me of the tension in his back.
“Now that sounds more like you.” Hank lifted his eyebrows.
“Danki for the laugh.” Leroy set the roller in the pan. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring my worries to work with me.”
“It’s all right. I’ve done it plenty of times.” Hank hesitated. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“If you want to hear it.” Leroy absently rubbed at the knots tightening in his left shoulder.
“Sure.” Hank shrugged. “Isn’t that what freinden are for?”
“Let’s just say things aren’t going the way I’d hoped.” Leroy pulled off his respirator and sank down onto a nearby stepladder. “I didn’t expect things to be perfect between Mattie and me, but she’s acting like she’s afraid of me now.”
“Afraid of you?” Hank’s dark eyebrows careened toward his hairline once again. “Why would Mattie be afraid of you?”
“She’s been cold and distant ever since the wedding, and last night she was anxious and nervous around me. I’m trying my best to show her I’m not going to pressure her about . . . well, anything.” Leroy rested his arms on his knees and peered off toward the wall that was half painted bright white. “I told her to stay in the downstairs bedroom, and I slept in one of the spare rooms upstairs last night. I got up to get a glass of water, and when I came downstairs, I heard her sobbing.”
Hank removed his own respirator and frowned. “She’s still grieving. There’s no way of knowing how long she’ll grieve for Isaiah, and you can’t rush that.”
“I know. I never intended on pushing her at all.” Leroy paused to gather his thoughts. “I almost knocked on the door and offered to comfort her, but I figured she needed her space. She’ll come to me when she’s ready to talk.
“This morning I let her sleep in while I got up early. After taking care of the animals, I made breakfast. I guess I woke her because she came out while I was finishing up. She looked worried, and she apologized for not being up to cook for me. I told her it was fine, but breakfast was awkward. It was almost as if we’ve become strangers who hardly know each other.”
Leroy paused for a beat. “You remember how Mattie and I were when we were teenagers. We used to talk about everything. I remember you once saying it was difficult to get a word in when Mattie and I were around because we talked so much.”
Leroy pushed his hand through his thick hair and scowled. “Before I left to come out here, she was doing the dishes while I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. Anyway, when I went back into the kitchen to tell her I was leaving, I startled her, and she dropped and broke a mug. She practically cowered from me, as though she thought I was going to hit her or holler at her. I told her it was okay, and I cleaned it up.” He threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t understand it. Why would she act like I was going to hit her over a stupid mug? Was Isaiah abusive and we never knew it?”
Hank shook his head. “I don’t think so. I never saw any signs Isaiah was violent or had a short temper. Besides, Isaiah was killed while protecting a woman from her abusive husband. Why would he hit his own fraa if he was determined to help a stranger?”
Leroy rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s what I thought. Mattie’s behavior doesn’t make sense. She’s never been nervous or jittery around me before. Why would it start now?”
“I don’t really know.” Hank pulled a stool over and sat down in front of Leroy. “You knew this was going to take some adjusting. She just lost her husband, and being with you like this is new. Now you’re so much more than freinden.”
Leroy covered his forehead with his hand. “You’re not saying anything I haven’t already considered. I just had hoped we could still be freinden. I knew intimacy might take a long time to develop, but I didn’t imagine I’d have to walk on eggshells around her. Actually, she’s walking on eggshells around me. I keep telling her to make herself at home, but I feel like she’s more of a guest.” He froze after the words leapt from his mouth.
“What’s going through your mind, Leroy?”
“I wonder if she’s going to leave me like mei dat left mei mamm.”
“I doubt that will happen. You’ve been close a long time, and she cares deeply for you.”
“My parents were childhood freinden too. Mei dat just decided he didn’t love mei mamm anymore and he wanted more out of life. He left all three of us and went to Florida with a woman he’d met at a hardware store.”
Hank raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think Mattie will leave you for a man she meets at a hardware store or even the farmer’s market. Just be patient and pray for her. Let her work through all her emotions at her own pace and she’ll come to realize you’re not all that bad after all.”
Leroy snickered. “Gee, thanks, buddy.”
“You’re welcome.” Hank pointed toward the wall. “That wall is not going to paint itself. Let’s get this done so we can open the shop next week and start earning back the money we’re wasting on this place.”
CHAPTER 4
DETERMINATION FLOWED THROUGH MATTIE’S VEINS. SHE was going to make Leroy’s house feel more like her home today. After finishing the dishes, she moved to the bedroom where she dressed, pinned up her hair and shielded it with her prayer covering, and then started making the bed.
She moved her hand across the beautiful red, blue, and tan log cabin quilt, admiring the craftsmanship. She made a mental note to ask Leroy if his mother had made it. She yearned to quilt after touching the intricate stitching. She had started a quilt for the baby but then stopped working on it after Isaiah died. Her fingers itched to get back to the one task she loved so dearly. Not only did she love to sew and quilt, but it also helped her work through her thoughts and feelings, acting as a balm when she needed an emotional release.
She finished making the bed and then set off to unpack. She pulled her suitcase and box of clothes out of the closet again and began setting items on the bed. Since Leroy had told her she could rearrange whatever she wanted, she peeked in the dresser drawers. The tall dresser was filled with Leroy’s clothes, but the drawers in the shorter dresser, which also had shelves and a mirror, were empty. Had he emptied out this dresser for her? The idea warmed something deep inside of her. Leroy was going out of his way for her and her child, and she was grateful.
She put her underwear and stockings in the top drawers of the dresser. She was adding her pajamas to the second drawer when she heard a loud knock.
“Hello? Mattie?” Tillie’s voice sang out from the back of the house. “May I come in?”
“Hi, Tillie! I’m in the downstairs bedroom,” Mattie called. “Come on back.”
Tillie’s footfalls echoed through the first floor before she appeared in the doorway holding a pie plate. The aroma of fruit pie filled the bedroom.
“Hi. How are you this morning?”
“I’m fine.” Mattie pointed to the pie. “That smells amazing. Is it cherry?”
“Ya.” Tillie held up the plate. “I thought I’d make something for you and Leroy to share tonight. I hope you like cherries.”
“I love cherries. Danki.”
“May I help you unpack?” Tillie offered.
“That would be great, but I assume you have plenty of your own chores to do today.”
“Oh, no. I’d love to help you.” Tillie pointed toward the kitchen. “Let me just put this away and then I’ll be in to help you.”
“Danki.” When an ache radiated from Mattie’s lower back down toward her feet, she sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for Tillie to return. She glanced toward the closet where Leroy’s shirts and trousers hung. Could she make room for her dresses and aprons beside his clothes, just in case he decided not to move them upstairs after all?
“What can I do to help?” Tillie appeared in the doorway again and rubbed her hands together.
Mattie pointed toward the closet. “Do you think there’s enough room in there for my dresses and aprons?”
“We can make room.” Tillie pushed
the trousers and shirts over to the right, jamming them together to create an open area. “There’s plenty of room now. Would you like me to hang them up for you?”
“That would be wunderbaar. I think I need to rest a bit.”
Tillie’s eyes rounded. “Are you feeling okay?”
Mattie gave Tillie a handful of hangers from the box beside her on the bed. “Ya, but my arms, legs, and back are sore. I get winded so easily now. I thought I was supposed to have a burst of energy.”
“I’ve heard that happens at the very end.” Tillie hung up the first dress Mattie handed to her. “Mei aenti told me she got a burst of energy just before my cousin was born, and she cleaned the entire haus. She even washed the windows. Apparently it’s called nesting. After you’re done nesting, the baby will be born.”
“Ya, mei mamm said that too.”
As she handed Tillie each dress and apron, anxiety bubbled up inside of her again. She had no idea how to move forward with Leroy and this strange new relationship that now existed between them. Mattie yearned to discuss her confusing feelings with a close friend, but since Tillie was married to Leroy’s best friend, she didn’t want to make Tillie feel uncomfortable. Instead, she tried to think of something mundane to talk about.
“Leroy told me work on the harness shop is progressing well,” Mattie finally said.
“Oh, ya, it is.” Tillie beamed as she took another dress from Mattie’s hand. “Someone is coming to etch the name on the glass front today, and another man is going to drop off the sign for the street. We’re right on track for the grand opening next Saturday.”
“It’s next Saturday? That’s great.”
“Leroy didn’t tell you?” Tillie raised her eyebrows.
“Maybe it slipped his mind,” Mattie said quickly. She couldn’t bring herself to admit she’d been so focused on her own worries and bereavement that she hadn’t heard much of what Leroy shared with her at breakfast.
“Ya, maybe. It’s going to be fantastic. I suggested we have a party after the store closes for the day. Leroy invited his bruder to come. You should invite your family too. We’ll have a gut time.”