by Amy Clipston
“That sounds like fun. I can make some pies.”
“That’s a great idea. It’s going to be a wonderful celebration, you know?” Tillie gushed as she hung up the first of Mattie’s sweaters. “Hank and Leroy have talked about having their own shop for years, and now it’s going to finally happen.”
“You’re right. It will be a big celebration.”
As Mattie opened a box full of her shoes, a conversation she’d witnessed between Hank and Leroy when they were twenty flooded her mind. They were sitting by the volleyball court at a youth gathering discussing their apprenticeship with Leroy’s uncle who ran a harness shop in Ronks. Leroy announced he enjoyed working for Hank’s uncle but he wanted his own shop. Hank and Leroy talked about saving their money, buying houses next door to each other, and building a shop they would own together. Leroy and Hank’s dream had been born on that very day, and Mattie had been there to witness it. Now, six years later, it was coming true. She was grateful she would be a part of the grand opening to celebrate with her friends.
“Would you like me to put those shoes in the closet?” Tillie offered.
“Ya. Danki.” Mattie handed her the box and then opened another one.
She gaped at the sight of her favorite knick-knacks, most of which were gifts from Isaiah. She picked up the small wooden box he’d given her for her birthday when they first started dating. Inside the box was a heart-shaped stone he’d given her as a surprise gift on their six-month dating anniversary. She lifted the heart and moved her fingers over the smooth edges.
“Mattie?”
She peeked up at Tillie. “I’m sorry.” She placed the rock back into the box and closed the lid. “I just found something Isaiah gave me.” She cleared her throat and placed the box on the dresser where she had put her clothes. Like the drawers, the top of the dresser was bare. Did Leroy clear it off just for me?
“This has to be so difficult for you. I’m sorry you’re going through so much.”
“Danki.” Mattie pulled out a wooden frame with a picture of a sunset Isaiah gave her for Christmas last year, along with two small candles, one apple spice scented and the other cotton candy scented. She lost herself in the memories of when Isaiah had surprised her with the special candles. She loved to burn them at night when they would sit in their family room and talk. She took her time arranging the things on the dresser to avoid Tillie’s gaze.
“Mattie?”
She looked over her shoulder to where Tillie stood by the closet. “Ya?”
“Is something wrong?” Tillie’s milk chocolate eyes studied her intently.
“No. Everything is fine.” Mattie nodded despite her surging grief. “I was just thinking about when Isaiah gave me these things. He loved to buy me little trinkets. Candles were his favorite. I had a candle that smelled like hazelnut coffee, but I dropped it and it broke. He promised to get me another one, but he never had a chance.” Her throat dried, and she tried to clear it against threatening tears.
“You must miss him a lot.”
“All the time.” Mattie picked up the apple spice–scented candle and touched the cool glass lid. “I hope I can make this work with Leroy.” She cringed as she admitted the words aloud.
“What do you mean?”
“Everything feels so strange now. I feel like I’m going to let him down.”
Tillie moved to her side, but Mattie kept her eyes focused on the candle.
“Leroy is a patient man.” Tillie rested her hand on Mattie’s arm. “He knows you both need to let your relationship evolve naturally over time. He doesn’t expect you to suddenly forget Isaiah. He understands you have to grieve. Like the Bible says, ‘There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens . . . a time to mourn and a time to dance.’” She gave her a bleak smile. “Leroy has waited for you all these years, and he will wait as long as he has to.”
“What do you mean?” Mattie brushed her hand over her cheeks.
Tillie furrowed her brow as if in disbelief. “You mean you don’t know?”
“Don’t know what?”
“I’ve known you and Leroy for only the past five years, but I know Leroy has loved you since long before that.”
Mattie blinked. “Ya, he loves me as a freind.”
“No, Mattie. He truly loves you. He was so excited to marry you.” Tillie’s expression was earnest. “I talked to Hank about it the other night. Hank has always had a hunch that Leroy cared about you. I suggested that maybe Leroy’s feelings for you were what was preventing him from ever marrying, and Hank agreed. Leroy actually admitted it to Hank when he told Hank he was going to propose to you. He’s always loved you, so he didn’t have room in his heart for another woman.”
Shaking her head, Mattie opened her mouth to protest, but Tillie held up one finger, shushing her.
“Please. Just think about it for a moment. Leroy had never had a long-term girlfriend, but he jumped at the chance to marry you. Why would he be eager to marry you and take care of your child unless he truly cared about you?”
“No, no, no.” Mattie took a step backward, bumping her hip into the dresser as confusion wafted over her. “That’s not true. Leroy only offered to marry me because as a freind he took pity on my boppli and me. We had no real home, and he has this big haus all to himself. He’s also starting a new business, and he needs someone to help him take care of the haus and do all the chores and grocery shopping. We’re going to help each other. That’s all it is.”
Tillie clicked her tongue. “You can’t honestly believe that. You know what a great man Leroy is. He’s kind and thoughtful. He would never use you to run his household. Don’t you see the love in his eyes when he looks at you?”
Tillie has to be wrong! Leroy can’t love me!
Leroy was Mattie’s confidant when she needed to talk to someone outside of her family. Leroy listened to her without judgment when she first met Isaiah and she was certain she was falling in love with him. Then Leroy listened as she confided her deepest feelings and grief about Isaiah. He helped her move her belongings out of the rented house, and then he visited her frequently at her parents’ house. He even allowed Mattie to sob on his shoulder more than once. Leroy was the one person Mattie could count on.
But she never thought he loved her as more than a friend.
Air gushed from her lungs in a loud whoosh as it all came into clear focus in Mattie’s mind. Tillie had to be right. There was no other reason why a man would devote his life to a widow if he didn’t love her. But at the same time, Leroy was never honest about his feelings for her. How could she have been so blind that she hadn’t figured this out on her own?
Why oh why was Mattie’s world still spinning out of control? The room was closing in on her, and she had to get out of there before she suffocated on her raging emotions.
She walked out into the family room and started unpacking boxes, stacking books randomly on the bookshelf to keep busy. She had to get rid of this nervous energy before she went crazy. She didn’t want to hear this truth about Leroy. Her heart couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t love Leroy the same way he loved her, and she couldn’t handle the fact that she was going to hurt him when he understood she could never love him completely.
“Mattie, stop. Please listen to me.” Tillie took Mattie’s arm. “I don’t understand why you’re upset about this. You and Leroy are married now. Just take your time and let your marriage grow. You both need a period of adjustment. Everything will be just fine.”
Her friend’s words settled over her. “I understand what you’re saying, but it still feels wrong. Our love is one-sided. I can’t give Leroy the love he feels for me.”
“Maybe your feelings for Leroy will develop over time. I’ve heard of that happening, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“No, no.” Mattie shook her head and pain began brewing behind her eyes. “I can’t love them both, Isaiah and Leroy. I’m still in mourning. How can I fall in love so quickly? Th
at’s disrespectful to Isaiah.”
“Isaiah would understand.” Tillie sat down on one of the book boxes. “If something had happened to you, wouldn’t you have wanted Isaiah to move on with his life?”
“I don’t know. I never thought about it.”
“Would you have wanted him to live the rest of his life alone?” Tillie rested her elbows on her knees. “We’re not even thirty yet. We’re still young. Isaiah would understand that you have to go on.” She pointed to Mattie’s belly. “You have to raise your kind, and Isaiah would want your boppli to have a dat to guide him or her. You’re not doing anything disrespectful. You’re moving on with your life.”
Tillie made it all sound too simple. Mattie rubbed her brow, where her headache throbbed. Could Mattie ever love Leroy the way he loved her? It seemed an impossible task.
Because Isaiah stole my heart the moment I met him.
Reaching toward her, Tillie touched Mattie’s hand. “I’m sorry for upsetting you. I just wanted to tell you everything will be okay. Leroy will give you all the time you need to adjust.” She stood and opened the box on which she had been sitting. “Let’s unpack these boxes before I have to go home and make lunch. You look exhausted. Would you like to just sit and give me instructions?”
“No, danki. I’ll help.” Mattie returned to her unpacking, and Tillie’s words echoed through her mind. She could never adjust to being Leroy’s wife now, not when she knew how he truly felt about her.
A heavy burden settled over Mattie’s shoulders, but she straightened, pushed her shoulders back. She couldn’t love Leroy the same way he loved her, but Mattie had to try harder to be the wife he deserved. She’d start by making him a special meal for supper tonight. The plan took shape in her mind. She could make him steak, potatoes, and homemade bread—Isaiah’s favorite. Surely Leroy would enjoy it too.
Somehow they would make this marriage work.
CHAPTER 5
A DELICIOUS AROMA FILLED LEROY’S SENSES, CAUSING HIS stomach to gurgle as he walked into the mudroom later that evening. His eyes widened with a mixture of surprise and excitement as he hung his hat on one of the hooks by the door and stepped out of his boots.
He entered the kitchen as Mattie placed a bowl of mashed potatoes in the center of the table. She looked radiant, clad in the same rose-colored dress and black apron he’d seen at lunchtime. For a brief moment, he longed for a camera so he could snap a photo of her and cherish it forever. Instead, he’d do his best to commit the moment to memory.
“Hi.” She gave him a shy smile and then gestured at the table. “I thought I’d make you something nice for supper. I hope you’re hungry. I have steak and homemade bread too.”
“I’m famished. Danki.” Leroy walked over to the table and grinned. He could get used to this—coming home to his beautiful wife and a delicious meal. He was abundantly blessed.
Mattie pointed to his chair. “Have a seat. Everything is ready.”
He pointed at the empty glasses sitting expectantly by their dinner plates. “Let me get the pitcher of water.” He started for the refrigerator.
“No, I’ll get it. You worked all day.” She scurried past him toward the refrigerator. Then she returned to the table and filled the glasses.
“Mattie,” he said gently. “I don’t mind helping you.”
“It’s okay.” She set the pitcher on the table. “Let’s pray, ya?”
He nodded, and they sat down across from each other. After a silent prayer, they began filling their plates, and the sounds of cutlery scraping the dishes filled the big kitchen.
Leroy peeked up at her moving her mashed potatoes around the plate with her spoon. He longed to get her to open up to him like she had the day of the wake. He gripped his fork as the memories of that day flooded his mind.
Leroy arrived at the wake and immediately searched the house for Mattie. When Lizanne told him Mattie had gone outside to get some air, he poured two mugs of coffee from the percolator in the kitchen and hustled out the back door. The cool air hit his body like a brick wall, and he pulled it into his lungs as he hurried down the back steps toward the barn.
Soon the barn came into view, and his pulse and his steps sped up as he moved up the path to where Mattie was sitting on a bench. He silently prayed for the right words to comfort her.
When he was grieving the loss of his mother three years ago, he appreciated his friends who would sit quietly beside him and listen. No amount of advice or words of sympathy helped him, but a friend who lent him an ear offered the solace he craved. He prayed he could offer Mattie the same comfort he’d received, even though he imagined her grief was much deeper and more painful than what he’d suffered.
Leroy’s hands trembled as he approached the bench. Mattie’s head was bent as she studied a crumpled tissue in the lap of her black dress. Her eyes were dull and rimmed with purple shadows, and her angelic face was contorted into a picture of grief.
“Mattie,” he said softly, standing beside her.
“Leroy.” Her voice was thick and shaky. “I didn’t see you.” She wiped the tissue over her face.
“May I join you?” How he longed to see her gorgeous smile again.
“That would be nice.” She shoved to the far side of the bench and patted the seat beside her. “Sit.”
He sat down on the bench and held up a mug. “Thirsty?”
“Ya. Danki.”
Leroy handed her one of the mugs. Mattie immediately took a drink, and he was glad he’d brought the coffee with him. When she shivered, he removed his jacket and slipped it over her thin shoulders.
“Danki.” She shoved her arms through the sleeves and hugged the jacket to her middle.
“Gern gschehne.” Leroy sipped his coffee.
She looked up at him. “How’d you know I was out here?”
“Lizzie told me.”
“She’s been fussing over me like a mother hen.” Her voice held a hard edge of resentment. “Did she send you out here to fetch me?”
“No. I asked her where you were, and she told me you’d gone out for a walk to get some air. I wanted to check on you.”
“Oh.”
Then she turned her attention back to the barn as if it held some important information. He forced himself to remain quiet and allow her to share her thoughts at her own pace. They sat in silence for several moments. He took another drink from the mug and then ran his fingers over its warmth.
“He was going to the bank,” she finally said.
Leroy held his breath as he waited for her to continue.
Mattie kept her eyes focused on the barn as she continued. “He hadn’t gotten to the bank before it closed on Saturday, and he had to deposit his paycheck. He said the hinges broke on one of the barn doors during the storm and he was going to fix it when he got back home.” A tear streamed down her cheek, and he fought the urge to wipe it away. “He never made it back home to repair the door.”
He looked at the barn, and both doors were fine.
“Al and a few of his freinden came over yesterday and fixed it.” She answered his unspoken question.
“Oh.” Leroy turned toward her, and her lower lip trembled.
“I didn’t want him to go to the bank. I had this terrible feeling that took hold of me when he said he was going. I walked out on the porch with him, and he kissed me good-bye. When he started down the steps, I called him back, and he kissed me again. I wanted to pull him into the house and make him stay with me, but I didn’t. I didn’t tell him how I felt, and I let him go.” She looked up at Leroy as tears poured from her eyes. “It’s all my fault that he’s dead.” She placed the mug on the bench beside her.
“No, no. It’s not your fault at all.”
“That was the last time I saw him. It was the last time I heard his voice. And mei dat had to identify Isaiah’s body, and he told me Isaiah was . . . well, he wasn’t . . .” Her voice trailed off, and she covered her face with her hands as sobs racked her body.
Leroy froze. What should he do? He wanted to pull her into his arms, but he feared it would be too forward if he touched her. The most they’d ever touched was when she’d fallen while playing volleyball at a youth gathering and he helped her up. Then again, she’d hugged him after his mother died. Perhaps touching now would be permissible due to the circumstances.
Leroy touched her arm, and she leaned over, wrapping her arms around his neck. She sobbed into his chest, and he rubbed her back with his free hand.
“It’s okay,” he whispered into her prayer covering. “It’s not your fault.” He breathed in her scent, flowery shampoo mixed with soap. He held his breath as he longed to take away her pain.
Her sobs subsided, and she wiped her eyes before resting her cheek on his shoulder. “The policemen said Isaiah saved a woman from her abusive husband. She had a restraining order against him, and he’d followed her to the bank. They say Isaiah is a hero. I’m grateful she’s alive, but where does that leave me and our baby?” She sniffed. “I’m a terrible person for saying this, but I want him to still be alive. I’d rather he be with me than be a hero. You think I’m horrible, right?”
“No, no.” He rubbed her back again. “You’re not terrible. You’re grieving. You love Isaiah.”
“Ya, I do.” She continued to rest her cheek on his shoulder. “I can’t believe he’s gone. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“You don’t need to decide that today. No one is rushing you.”
“I have to move out. Isaiah’s paychecks from the hardware store pay for our rent and food. I can’t afford to live here on my own. I’m going to have to move in with my parents and sleep on their sofa. Lizzie said I could stay with her and Al, but they’re newlyweds. They don’t need an extra person in their haus.”
She looked up at him and something flickered in her eyes. She suddenly sat up and shifted away from him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so forward with you.”