by Amy Clipston
“Danki,” she said, scrubbing a hand down her warm face. “I guess I should have stayed home.”
“No, don’t say that.” Mamm rubbed her back. “It will get better. I promise.”
Lizanne gave her a muted smile. “Everyone is concerned about you because they care about you.”
“I know.” Mattie gave a resigned sigh as guilt nipped at her once again. “I just don’t want to talk about it. I want to go to the service, have lunch, and then go home without having to lie to everyone and say I’m okay.”
“Just stay with Mamm and me.” Lizanne hugged her again. “We’ll be your support. Right, Mamm?”
“Of course,” Mamm agreed.
The clock in the kitchen chimed nine, and Mattie let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. She walked to the barn with her mother and sister and sat between them in the married women section.
She folded her hands in her lap and stared down at the skirt of her black dress. She’d worn black today both to remember and to mourn Jacob. It had been only five weeks since her baby had been born. Somehow it seemed like several months had passed since that heartbreaking day.
“Leroy is here,” Lizanne whispered.
Mattie squeezed her eyes shut to force herself not to look up. She wanted to look at him and she wanted to avoid him all at once. Why did that man keep her insides tied up in knots?
“He’s looking over here,” Lizanne whispered.
“Stop,” Mattie said, seething. “I don’t want to look at him.”
Lizanne leaned in closer. “Have you spoken to him?”
“Briefly on the porch the other night. We’ve also written letters to each other.”
“You’ve written letters?”
While speaking softly in an effort to keep the conversation private, she explained the basket and the letters. Lizanne listened with her eyes wide.
“You had Dat deliver the basket for you yesterday?” Lizanne asked.
“Ya. I’m hoping he read my letter and will respect what I said. I think he’s better off without me.”
Lizanne rubbed her chin as if considering what Mattie had said. “What did Dat say when he got home?”
“He didn’t say much, except Leroy was disappointed I didn’t go with him to deliver it.”
“Huh.” Lizanne glanced across the barn toward the section where the married men sat.
“Tell me you’re not looking at Leroy right now.”
Lizanne waved off her worry. “He’s busy talking to Hank and Al. He doesn’t see us talking.” She turned back to Mattie. “Are you going to talk to him today?”
Mattie blinked. “I don’t know.” I hope not.
“May I join you?”
Mattie looked up as Tillie pointed to the empty space next to Lizanne.
“Hi, Tillie.” She swallowed as she looked at Tillie’s pretty smile. Tillie knew she’d left Leroy. Did she believe Mattie was a horrible person? She held her breath, waiting to see if Tillie would ask how she was like everyone else had.
“Gude mariye. It’s gut to see you.”
“Danki.” Mattie waited for her to say more.
“Gude mariye.” Tillie greeted Lizanne and their mother. “I was concerned Hank and I were going to be late this morning because we didn’t leave the haus as early as we planned. We got here just in time.” She picked up a hymnal from beside her on the bench. “The hymn is just about to begin.”
Just then a young man sitting across the barn, who had been chosen as the song leader before the service began, sang the first syllable and then the rest of the congregation joined in to finish the verse.
Mattie lifted a hymnal and then fumbled with the pages until she located the correct song. She tried to redirect her attention to the hymn as she studied the words, but her traitorous thoughts whirled through her mind. Leroy was sitting across from her in this large barn, and she couldn’t stop her eyes from seeking him any longer. She peered across the barn, and against her better judgment, her eyes immediately honed in on Leroy.
Her legs trembled, and she drank in the sight of him as though she hadn’t seen him in years. His deep brown eyes were focused on the hymnal in his hands, and his mouth moved along with the song. The stubble on his jaw had transformed into a thick beard.
As if sensing her eyes looking at him, Leroy lifted his eyes, and their gazes locked. Mattie stilled, and her breath hitched in her lungs. It was as though she was seeing him in a new light. Leroy was handsome, really handsome. How had she missed this detail in the past?
Breaking their intense gaze, he looked down at the hymnal and continued singing.
Lizanne leaned in close to Mattie and patted her hand.
With her words stuck in her throat, Mattie could only nod in response to her sister’s thoughtful gesture before turning her focus to the hymnal again.
While the ministers met in another room for thirty minutes to choose who would preach that day, the congregation continued to sing. Mattie followed along with the words and sang softly to herself. During the last verse of the second hymn, she looked up just as the ministers returned to the barn. They placed their hats on two hay bales located at the back of the barn, indicating that the service was about to begin.
The chosen minister began the first sermon, and Mattie did her best to concentrate on his holy words. She folded her hands in her lap and studied them. She tried to keep her focus on what the minister was saying, but it kept drifting to Leroy. Her eyes defied her and stole glances across the barn at him. He sat with his head bowed, staring at his hands in his lap. She bit her lip, curious about his thoughts. Was he thinking about her or maybe the letter she’d written to him?
While the minister continued to talk in German, Mattie lost herself in memories of the last year, of sitting with the other married women in the church district near the home she and Isaiah rented. She missed the Sundays when they would spend the afternoon visiting friends or with her parents and sister, or take walks and talk about the house they planned to build. She relished those special memories.
She redirected her thoughts to the sermon, taking in the message and concentrating on God. She contemplated God’s plan for her, wondering if he wanted her to reconcile with Leroy. But how could she reconcile with Leroy if her heart had been shattered when she lost Isaiah and Jacob?
The first sermon ended, and Mattie knelt in silent prayer between her sister and mother. She begged God to lessen the raw pain of losing Isaiah and Jacob. She also asked God to heal Leroy’s heart. After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures, and then the hour-long main sermon began. Mattie willed herself to concentrate, listening to the deacon discuss the book of John.
Relief flooded Mattie when the fifteen-minute kneeling prayer was over. The congregation stood for the benediction and sang the closing hymn.
While she sang, her eyes moved again to Leroy. It seemed natural for her to gaze at him as he sang along with the hymn. Could he sense her eyes focused on him? When his gaze met hers, her cheeks burned. She stood frozen, entranced by the ferocity of his gaze.
When the hymn ended, the men began converting the benches into tables for the noon meal.
Lizanne touched Mattie’s arm. “Do you want to help serve the meal or would you rather sit and rest?”
“I’ll help. I’m feeling fine.” If Mattie sat down and relaxed, she ran the risk of more people asking her if she was okay. She needed to stay busy to avoid the curious congregation members and also to avoid Leroy.
“Okay.” Lizanne turned toward their mother.
Mattie stood and smoothed her hands down her dress while waiting to file out of the barn.
“Mattie.” Leroy’s voice was close to her ear, sending an involuntary shiver zinging up her spine.
Mattie bit her lip and turned toward him standing beside her. So much for avoiding him.
“I need to talk to you alone.” He frowned at her. “Please don’t leave before I get a chance to see you.”
Th
e intensity in his eyes melted something deep inside of her, and she couldn’t refuse him. “All right.”
“Danki.” He nodded a greeting to her mother and sister before turning to help Hank and Al with the benches.
Lizanne squeezed Mattie’s arm. “He sounded like he had something important to tell you.”
Mattie pointed toward the barn doors. “Let’s get to the kitchen so we can help serve the meal.”
As Mattie followed Lizanne and Mamm out of the barn, Tillie caught up to her. Mattie suspected Tillie was helping Leroy, but instead of that upsetting Mattie, knowing Tillie cared almost made her smile.
CHAPTER 18
ANXIETY PRESSED DOWN ON LEROY’S SHOULDERS AND TWISTED the already tight muscles in his back. He tried his best to contribute to the conversations droning on around him during lunch, but his thoughts were stuck on Mattie.
He had glanced over at her during the service, and she looked beautiful, even though she was clad in black to mourn Jacob’s loss. He’d caught her watching him more than once during the service, and his thoughts spun with curiosity. She seemed to miss him as much as he missed her, which made frustration swell inside of him. So why wouldn’t she just come home?
He cupped a hand to his mouth to shield a yawn. He’d worked on her gift until late last night, and he’d written her another letter. The basket was tucked away in his buggy. Now he just had to get her alone so they could speak in private. He would wait until the women were finished eating and then ask her to go for a walk with him. Hopefully, she would agree.
When the women came around to fill their coffee cups, Mattie had given him a pleasant look but quickly continued on her way without speaking to him. He had to find a way to get her to talk to him again.
“You okay?”
Leroy lifted a pretzel to his mouth.
“Hello?” Hank nudged Leroy’s arm with his elbow.
“What?” He turned toward his friend. “Sorry. I didn’t think you were talking to me.”
“You’re in your own little world there.” Hank raised a dark eyebrow. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Sure. Everything is fine.”
“You’re a terrible liar,” Hank muttered before turning to their friend Titus. “So how is the dairy business these days?”
“Oh, it’s the same. A lot of milk.” Titus chuckled, and everyone around them joined in.
Leroy couldn’t wait until lunch was over so he could finally speak to his wife alone.
Leroy leaned against the split rail fence and waved as friends walked by on their way to their buggies. Lunch was over, and the members of the congregation were slowly heading to the line of buggies patiently waiting to make the trek home. His focus was trained on the kitchen door as he waited for Mattie to walk outside.
Hank and Tillie approached from the knot of people walking to the buggies, and Leroy waved to them.
“Are you heading home?” Hank asked.
“Soon,” Leroy said.
Hank raised his eyebrows.
Tillie smiled. “She was helping wipe down the table in the kitchen and someone pulled her into a conversation.”
She’s avoiding me. Leroy’s back stiffened with frustration.
She took a step toward him. “She’ll be out here soon, and you’ll have a chance to talk to her. Don’t worry. You’ll have the opportunity to give her the basket and the letter. Trust me.”
He nodded, but doubt coiled through his gut. “Danki.”
Hank looked back and forth between Tillie and Leroy. “Am I missing something?”
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’ll tell you in the buggy.” She took Hank’s hand in hers and gave it a tug. “Let’s go.” She looked at Leroy. “We’ll see you later, okay?”
“Ya.” He said good-bye and then turned his attention back to the house. He leaned back against the fence and crossed his arms over his chest. He refused to leave before having the opportunity to talk to Mattie and give her the basket and letter. He’d wait all afternoon if he had to.
Several minutes passed before Mattie stepped out of the back door. She scanned the driveway and pasture until her eyes found him. He stood up straight and rested his shaky hand on the fence rail behind him as she started down the path toward the rock driveway.
“I’m sorry it took so long.” She came to stand in front of him. “Eva pulled me into a conversation. I kept trying to get away, but then she would ask me another question.”
“It’s okay. I’m not in a hurry to go home.”
“Gut.” She touched the ribbons on her prayer covering as she looked up at him.
A beat passed as they stared at each other.
“Would you like to go for a walk?”
Mattie shrugged. “Sure.”
They fell into step as they followed the fence line leading toward the pasture. He racked his brain for something to say. He had mentally practiced what he intended to say to her, but the words had dissolved as soon as he looked into her eyes.
“You look gut,” he finally said, and she snickered. He cocked an eyebrow. “That’s funny?”
She looked up at him, and her eyes sparkled in the bright afternoon sunlight. “You have no idea how many people asked me if I’m okay today. Everyone wanted to make sure I was doing all right. And they all had to express their condolences. I know they mean well, but I actually wondered if I could hide in mei dat’s buggy until the service was over.”
“Really?” He was grateful she was actually talking to him. “You wanted to hide from everyone?”
“Ya, I did. I didn’t want to be the center of attention today. I just wanted to be another member of the congregation.” She tilted her head. “Haven’t you ever felt that way?”
“Ya. After mei mamm passed away I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I was thankful for the outpouring of support, but I wanted to escape it at the same time.”
“Exactly.” She stopped and leaned forward on the split rail fence, facing the horses frolicking in the lush green pasture. “I never know what to say when they ask me how I am. I’m having a difficult time putting my emotions into words. Besides, I don’t think people want to hear the truth. They just want to hear that I’m doing fine.”
“I want to hear the truth.” He leaned his forearms on the top railing of the fence and glanced up at the clear azure sky.
She looked up at him, her pink lips pressed together. “You already know how I feel. I put everything in the letter.” She paused for a beat. “You read my letter, right?”
He frowned. “Of course I did.”
Her eyes seemed to search his for something. “How are you doing?”
The question knocked him off balance for a moment. He never expected her to ask how he was.
He gazed out toward the horses as he considered his response. “I miss you.” He met her gaze, and she bit her lower lip as her eyes glistened. “Ach, please don’t cry.”
She cleared her throat and averted her eyes by looking at the horses again. “I meant what I said in the letter. I can’t be the fraa you need or should have.”
“How can you say that? We know each other better than anyone else does. It only makes sense for us to be together since we already care about each other.”
“I’m not capable of giving you the love you deserve.” Her voice was soft as a tear streamed down her cheek. “I lost Isaiah and I married you too quickly. I didn’t give myself a chance to process that loss. Then I lost Jacob, and it just tore my soul to shreds. Some days I can’t find the strength to get out of bed. You don’t need to be burdened with all my issues.”
He stood up straight and faced her. “That’s where you’re wrong. I don’t want to move on without you. I want to help you heal. I want to fix your broken heart. Let me help you.”
She scrubbed her hand down her cheek. “No. I can’t put you through any more heartache. I’ve hurt you enough.”
“Come home with me, and we’ll work through all this together.” He held his hand out to he
r as hope swelled in his soul. Please say yes, Mattie. Please come with me. Just give me one more chance.
She shook her head, and his hope shattered. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Leroy sighed. It was time to relent. He’d pushed her far enough for one day. “Would you please walk me to my buggy? I have something for you.”
“Okay.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and walked in silence beside him toward the driveway.
When they reached his horse and buggy, he retrieved the basket and handed it to her. “I hope to see you again soon. But if I don’t, I hope you have a gut week.”
As she took the basket from him, their fingers brushed, and electricity sizzled. Her mouth gaped for a fraction of a second. Had the electricity zapped her too?
“Danki.” Mattie gave him a weak smile before he climbed into the buggy.
Leroy waved as he guided the horse to the road, and he prayed his letter would help change her mind about their future.
When she arrived at her parents’ house, Mattie carried the picnic basket into her parents’ room and sat down at the sewing table before opening it. The familiar aroma of leather washed over her as she pulled out a small leather coin purse shaped in a heart with the initials MJF embroidered on it. She lifted the coin purse and gasped as she turned it over again and again in her hands. The purse was beautiful with intricate detail. Her heart swelled with admiration as she examined it closely and imagined Leroy creating it for her. Leroy had been busy!
At the bottom of the basket she found an envelope with her name on it, and her pulse quickened. She opened the envelope and read the letter.
Dear Mattie,
I was disappointed your dat came alone to deliver the basket and your letter to me. When I saw Mose out the window of the harness shop, I thought maybe you had come to talk to me again. Still, I’m thankful you responded to my letter, even though you didn’t send me the answer I had hoped to receive.
I disagree with you when you say I’m better off without you. I can’t imagine my life without you.