by Unknown
I went mad when he told me. And in the end I said I was taking over and that I'd break it to Leah myself. Only I'd do it with a bit of tact and diplomacy. I feel I owe her that at least.
See what a mess Nicole has left me with?
8.30 p.m.
Just thinking about tonight brings me out in a cold sweat.
I didn't spot Nicole in Pizza Paradiso first of all. I was so intent on what I had to do.
Leah was sitting in exactly the same spot as when I'd first seen her. She was staring into space with a little smile on her face, quite unaware of what lay ahead of her.
I thought, I've got to do this as gently and painlessly as possible.
‘Hello,’ I said. ‘I'm a mate of Danny's – Gary.’
‘Oh hi,’ she replied. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘Not exactly,’ I began. ‘You see, Danny has been unavoidably detained.’
She immediately looked worried. ‘Oh, has his grandad been taken ill?’ she asked. ‘I know he was worried about him.’
Gary's grandad – and his illnesses – was a creature of pure myth, used regularly to get Gary out of situations. I smiled grimly. And then, to my horror, I saw Nicole sitting at a corner table with her boyfriend. I stared at her, utterly dazed and dumbfounded. For a moment everything else just fell away. I glanced at her boyfriend. He was quite good-looking in an oily kind of way, I suppose. He was whispering something to her and she was giggling away.
Then I had a bit of a flashback – only to be expected – but the Ex-Files had trained me well. After a couple of deep breaths I returned to the health of Gary's grandad.
‘I'm afraid he's in a very bad way,’ I said to Leah.
She looked so upset, I added, ‘Well, actually, he's only in a bit of a bad way, hardly anything at all really, but Danny felt he should be with him.’
Suddenly I noticed Nicole watching me. I promptly sat down opposite Leah and declared, ‘But Danny said we were to go ahead and have a pizza on him.’
‘Isn't that just like him?’ she said. ‘Danny's a great person, isn't he?’
‘The very best,’ I agreed.
So Leah and I chose our pizzas and chatted away. She was very easy to talk to, very easy to look at as well. I sensed Nicole darting a few more glances my way. That pleased me a lot. I wanted her to see that I had moved on and got myself a beautiful new girlfriend.
But now and again this haunted look came into Leah's eyes, which hinted at less happy times. I sensed that she'd been very badly hurt by her last boyfriend. I was absolutely determined she'd enjoy herself tonight. In fact, Leah and me were having such a top time I nearly forgot what I was doing there, and that I was, actually, the bearer of some news that would severely dent – if not smash – the party spirit. But I decided I couldn't tell Leah while she was tucking into her pizza. Let her at least enjoy her food first.
I even wondered if I should set up another meeting with her and force Gary to come along and do his own dirty work, only it is very hard to force Gary to do anything. So what about if I arranged to see her again and tell her then? But what was the point of that? I was merely prolonging this poor girl's misery. No, she had to be told tonight.
Anyway, I did have some good news for her, too: I was still available, of course. I'd have to meet her as Gary first of all, but a bit later I could reveal my true identity. I was thinking this all out frantically while she carried on eating.
Finally she declared she couldn't eat another thing. ‘I'm just bursting. I'm supposed to be on a diet as well, you know,’ she giggled. She seemed very relaxed. I liked her more and more.
I said, ‘That's one of the things I'd hate about being a girl: always having to go on diets, even if you've got an amazing figure like you.’
She blushed at the compliment (it was true as well). What a shame, I thought. I'm going to have to send this evening crashing down now.
I persuaded Leah to have a coffee. Then, for only the millionth time, I sneaked a glance at Nicole's table. She and her boyfriend were getting ready to leave. Excellent! Now I could totally concentrate on the grisly task ahead of me.
I figured, just before the coffee arrived was the time to slip Leah the not-so-great news (well, better than any of the other times). I said quickly, ‘The thing is, owing to pressure of other commitments, Danny won't be able to see you very much in the future… but it's nothing personal. Honestly. It's just he leads such a fantastically busy life… in fact, he's the busiest person I know. I hardly ever see him…’
I stopped, because Leah was staring at me with such a shocked look on her face. Then she whispered, ‘He doesn't want to meet me again, does he?’
‘Oh no, it's nothing like that.’
A look of wild hope appeared in her eyes.
‘But he just can't give you the time you deserve.’
Leah said quietly, ‘I do think Danny could have told me himself. I know he and I were just meeting as friends… but I still feel exactly as if I've been dumped.’
She got up, tears swimming in her eyes, and fled to the Ladies.
I'd so wanted to do this in a civilized, painless way. But it seems however jolly the build-up – and however much pizza is eaten – the end result is… Leah sobbing her heart out in the Ladies.
I squirmed about in my chair. I felt very guilty and I wasn't even the one not seeing Leah any more. I was so busy reflecting on all this, I actually forgot about Nicole for a few moments.
When I next glanced round her boyfriend was paying for his meal and saying something to the girl at the cash till which made her laugh. He looked a right poseur to me.
I idly wondered where Nicole had gone. And the next moment I saw her coming out of the Ladies with her arm around Leah. My stomach twisted with horror. It was one of those moments, which have a dream-like unreality. And before I could take in what was happening, they were both there in front of me.
Leah was saying, ‘Sorry for running off like that but what you told me was such a shock… and this girl in the Ladies has been so lovely… Sorry, I don't even know your name.’
‘Nicole,’ she replied. ‘And actually, this is so weird,’ she continued, looking straight at me, ‘but we know each other.’
Leah let out a surprised ‘Oh,’ and after Nicole said, ‘Hello, Danny,’ another considerably more surprised, ‘Oh.’
‘Well, hi there, Nicole,’ I replied in this ghastly fake, cheerful tone. ‘So how goes it these days?’ I desperately wanted to move the conversation on, but Leah clearly felt she should correct Nicole's ‘mistake’.
And she said to Nicole very politely, ‘I can see how you got confused, because his best mate is Danny… But this is, in fact, Gary.’
Leah glanced at me for a quick nod of confirmation. Instead, I closed my eyes for a second. I just had a vague hope this might be one of those dreams you wake up from with a huge sigh of relief. I opened my eyes again. Unfortunately, everyone was still there. Nicole now had an extremely puzzled look on her face and I didn't blame her at all. It must be hugely confusing to go out with a boy you knew as Danny, only to be told a few weeks later that he is now called Gary.
Meanwhile Leah's eyes might have narrowed a little bit but she was still supremely confident about me being Gary. She went on waiting for me to say something, and finally asked with a nervous laugh, ‘Gary is your name, isn't it?’
‘Names, what do they matter?’ I cried. ‘We can get too hung up with labelling people, can't we?’
Neither Nicole nor Leah responded; they were both, however, looking at me rather oddly. ‘But just to confirm the boring details,’ I said as breezily as I could, ‘yes, I am usually called Danny.’
Leah's eyes and mouth opened wide in blank amazement.
‘But occasionally, to try and freshen things up, I give myself a different name –’ here my voice fell away to a squeak – ‘such as, for instance, Gary.’
Leah shook her head. ‘I don't know what's going on here and you know what? I don't care eit
her.’ Then she gave me such a wounded look before rushing away.
I made to go after her but she called back, ‘And please don't come after me, Danny or Gary or whatever your real name is.’
I sank back down in my seat.
Then Nicole said, ‘Sorry for barging in like that… Have I messed everything up?’
‘Oh no,’ I said faintly. ‘I managed that all by myself.’
Nicole went on. ‘When I saw that girl in the Ladies I had no idea she was with you, she just seemed so upset… By the way, are you the Danny she was talking about? I'm still a bit confused about that.’
I couldn't reply. I couldn't even look at her, to tell the truth. I just wanted to crawl into the ground. And luckily I was saved further torture by her deluxe boyfriend striding towards us, looking so suntanned and happy. That was my excuse to cry. ‘Really great to see you again,’ and, after flinging down the money for the pizzas, scarper away as fast as I could.
When I told Gary what had happened he laughed and laughed – said it served me right for interfering. Later he called me to say he'd sent Leah an email (which was what he had wanted to do in the first place) saying why he had to finish meeting her – and also apologizing for my behaviour.
So there we go. Surely no one ever met their ex under more excruciating circumstances than I did that night. Now Nicole thinks I'm some sort of madman who goes around giving false names to girls. As for Leah – well, any hope of ever seeing her, let alone going out with her, is completely lost now.
Not bad for an evening's work, is it?
Just one small consolation in all this. I know for certain James was lying. Nicole and her boyfriend couldn't have looked more friendly and happy.
I've resigned from dating girls now. I just haven't got the personality for it. Maybe when I'm twenty I'll go back to it – although I have mighty doubts even then.
To be honest, I'm enjoying my karate classes more.
And I really couldn't care what Nicole does any more. I'm well out of it.
Email to Leah
Hi Leah,
Just to confirm – yes, I am the real Danny. And I was the one who was supposed to meet you – but owing to circumstances beyond my control (my ex-girlfriend calling me seconds before our date), I was not in a fit state to talk to you and allowed my best mate, Gary, to substitute for me.
This was a huge mistake. I apologize unreservedly for that and for the past couple of weeks and the total mix-up today.
Maybe one day we'll meet up and smile about all this. And maybe we won't. Maybe you'd rather never see me again. I would totally understand that decision; it's all I deserve.
With my very best wishes for the future.
Danny
BELLA
Chapter 15
WEDNESDAY 26 AUGUST
4.30 p.m.
It's my own fault. I was too confident, too big-headed. So now it's happened – and it's far, far worse than I'd feared.
I was doing so well too. After I passed Phase One, I went on making ‘spectacular progress’ (Rupert's words – not mine). Yes, Luc was still floating round the edges of my mind, and quite suddenly I'd think about him and get a flashback.
But flashbacks are ‘treacherous things’ (another Rupert quote) and not to be trusted. Knowing that really helps me when they strike. And that pang of regret passes so quickly now. It helps a lot that I have things to distract me too, like my next Pilates class – or a chat with Rupert.
He's so charismatic – and intriguing. Especially the way he has a rule for just about everything. He's like a walking manual. But I like that as well, because when Rupert's about everything seems so simple. It's as if all the confusing messiness of my life is tidied away, and I feel sorted and calm and very strong. Well, I did until yesterday – that's when Andrea called.
She acted as if we were still the best of friends. ‘Do you realize,’ she cried, ‘this holiday is nearly over and we're back at that concentration camp in just a few days?’ She went on like this for a bit and I sort of joined in. Then she suggested we meet up before the new term starts.
So I went round to her house this afternoon. I knew there was no way Andrea and I could go back to being best friends again. So why was I seeing her? I suppose I wanted to show her how I'd moved on and was over her and Luc now.
Well, Andrea gave me a really big hug when I arrived, then started talking to me in this awful, treacly voice. She really thought this was going to be our big reconciliation scene. I almost felt sorry for her. How could she be so deluded?
It was very strange being in her bedroom again. My last visit, armed with scissors, still hung about in the air. I'm sure Andrea must have sensed it as well. She was certainly strange: fluttering about the whole time like a hen with an egg. She kept talking, too, about private stuff that only she and I would know about. I guess she was hoping these memories would bind us together again. But when Andrea stole Luc from me she didn't only change the present and future, but the past as well. And those old stories she was telling about us just didn't seem to belong to me any more.
Then she asked suddenly, ‘So who's the boy you've been seen with?’
I started with surprise. ‘What!’
‘There are tons of rumours about you and him: he looks about eighteen and is quite good-looking. Wears a suit. Come on, tell me absolutely everything.’
‘Well, he's called Rupert,’ I said.
‘Oh yes,’ she cried.
‘And he's just one of the new friends I've made this summer, like Juliette and Kathleen and Zoe…’ I reeled off all these names. I could tell Andrea was genuinely intrigued – and impressed.
‘But how did you meet him, then?’
‘Oh, after I started doing Pilates I met some people,’ I said vaguely, ‘and then I met some of their friends.’
‘And now you've got an eighteen-year-old boyfriend?’
‘As if,’ I cried.
Andrea laughed but then said, ‘You've changed, you know. Maybe it's your new hairstyle: you just seem so much older.’
And for a moment, disappointment looked out through her eyes, as if I'd let her down somehow by not staying the same. I really think she misses the old me who got overwhelmed with shyness whenever she met a new person, and admired Andrea for being so brash and dynamic. She wants the girl who was once cruelly nicknamed ‘Andrea's shadow’ back.
Shortly afterwards Andrea charged downstairs to get us some drinks. I sensed she was finding our reunion much more of a strain than she was letting on.
I got up and walked about. I had a bit of a headache, the kind you have after you've been stuck inside doing an exam all morning. Had I really only been here half an hour? Despite all our strenuous laughing, this had been a huge ordeal. I'll gulp down my drink and go, I decided.
Then, while prowling around Andrea's bedroom, I spied a photograph on her bedside table. Only it had been turned over. Andrea has specially done that today to be tactful as it's of the one person we've so studiously avoided mentioning, I thought. And it's for the best if I look somewhere else. What's the point in seeing her special snap of Luc? But then I thought, No, I'm strong enough… I can do this. I really believed I could.
So I turned the photograph over. It was a picture of Luc lying on a beach. He was grinning wickedly at the person taking the photo, while also looking at her with such affection.
Once Luc looked at me in exactly that same way.
Suddenly I flung the photo on to the floor as this great burst of rage took me over. It faded as suddenly as a crack of thunder. But it left me feeling choked with hurt and despair.
And it was as if I were experiencing all this pain for the very first time. It felt that raw and strong.
Sunshine came streaming through the windows, yet somehow I felt cold and clammy. I sat on the edge of Andrea's bed, with my arms wrapped around me.
‘Sorry about the delay.’ Andrea came dancing back into the room, a smile plastered across her face. My throat felt horribly dr
y even after I'd gulped my drink down, but I still managed to – as Rupert puts it – ‘keep up a good front’. I even managed to pick up that picture of Luc which I'd slammed across the room, and slip it back in its place without Andrea noticing.
I don't think Andrea would have guessed, either, that my head was now ablaze with pictures as memories of my time with Luc came flickering back to life once more.
More hugs when I left. ‘We're going to stay in touch now,’ cried Andrea eagerly, almost desperately.
‘We certainly are,’ I replied, my fingers firmly crossed.
‘And one day you and Rupert must come out with me and Luc.’ The very first time his name had been mentioned all afternoon. Andrea was looking right at me.
‘That would be lovely,’ I said.
Andrea rushed on. ‘And I'm just dying to meet Rupert.’
I'll never introduce you to him, I thought. He's nothing to do with you and never will be. And I surprised myself with how strongly I felt about this. But I just said, ‘Oh yes, you must meet Rupert. You'll love him. Everyone does.’
She nodded excitedly. I was amazed at how easily I'd fooled her. Did she really think I could spend an evening with her and Luc holding hands and whispering to each other?
Fury swept through me once more. And that's when I realized: the big relapse had started.
Even though I'd been warned, it still came as a shock. Especially the way the tiniest thing had triggered it off. Just turning over a photograph was enough for all those feelings to sweep over me – obliterate me. No, no, that was a silly thing to write. As Rupert says, ‘Don't let life happen to you – stay in control.’ And I intended to do just that. Still, I knew I needed his help urgently.
So I called him right away. Only he wasn't there. I just got his answer phone. I suppose I could have tried Juliette but right now it was Rupert I wanted. No one else. So I just left a message. I said, ‘Rupert, it's Bella – and I think it's started. Call me as soon you can, please.’