I steel myself and take a deep breath before allowing myself to look up and at him. Jack’s cheeks have actually turned red, and he’s staring intently at Karl. His gaze finds mine and the hurt and confusion in it is too much. I have to look away.
‘Who’s this?’ Tom asks, pointing to him.
I have no idea how I’m going to explain this without looking like a massive slaggy whore.
‘This is Karl,’ Brooke says for me. I smile gratefully at her.
Karl offers his hand out to shake Tom’s. ‘Erica’s boyfriend,’ he announces proudly. ‘Nice to meet you.’
And just like that I feel guilt and shame take over my body, strangling me to death. I can’t look at Jack. I just can’t. I’m a monster. A reckless little slut.
I must completely black out or something because when I manage to refocus we’ve started to walk.
‘You okay?’ Karl asks, taking my hand.
I look up to see Jack staring at our linked hands. This is fucking awful. I can’t break his hand without him thinking something is up and right now I have no idea what to do. I need to take him off somewhere private and explain that we’re not working anymore. Tell him what I wrote in the email.
Only…well I’m a big fat chicken shit, aren’t I? That’s why I sent an email in the first fucking place. I can’t just shout to him that it’s over. Not when he’s been through so much with me.
We go into our usual bar and get drinks. I see Jack make his way towards the toilets and quickly follow behind him. I wait until he comes out, tapping my foot nervously. He walks out, spotting me, his eyes widening, before quickly trying to walk around me.
‘Jack, please!’ I call, pulling on his arm. ‘Listen to me.’
‘Listen to what?’ he shouts, throwing his arm out of my reach. ‘How you’ve had a fucking boyfriend this entire time?’ His nostrils flare. I’ve never seen them do that before. For a second I want to giggle, but I quickly pull myself together.
‘No, it’s not like that! Well, it was, but then…’
‘I can’t believe you,’ he interrupts, a vein becoming engorged on his neck. ‘I suppose it’s my own fault for putting you on a pedestal all these years, but I thought you were different. Now within twenty four hours I find we’ve had unprotected sex without my knowledge and now you have a fucking boyfriend! Who looks like a right plank, by the way.’
‘I dumped him!’ I shout over him. ‘I dumped him almost as soon as I saw you. Before we had sex. But…well, he’s just turned up here and I don’t know if he’s even got my email.’
‘Email?’ He narrows his eyes. ‘You dumped the guy, over fucking email?’
‘Err…yeah,’ I admit with an awkward shrug. I suppose that doesn’t put me in a better light, really.
He runs his hands through his hair, his eyes tight. ‘Jesus, Erica. Just when I think you can’t shock me more.’
I can already feel him pulling away from me, not physically, but emotionally. Any trust I’d built up with him has well and truly jumped off a cliff.
‘Please Jack, listen to me,’ I plead, holding onto his bicep. I feel like if I let go I’m going to lose him forever.
‘Why the fuck should I?’ he yells, throwing my arm off again. ‘I don’t see you telling that guy out there to fuck off and go home. What’s he doing here anyway? Interrupting a girl’s holiday?’ He scoffs. ‘Screams jealous and possessive to me.’
‘I don’t know…I just…god, everything is such a mess.’ I have a migraine the size of Canada lurking.
‘You’re telling me,’ he scoffs. He turns and storms out, leaving me no choice but to follow him. But the minute I’m out Karl is grabbing my arm and pulling me to one side.
‘Erica, we need to talk.’
Oh, thank goodness. He’s seen the chemistry between me and Jack and has realised it’s over between us.
‘Yes, you’re right, we need to.’ I steel myself to be horrible. It needs to be done, but it still doesn’t stop me feeling like a giant bitch.
‘I got your email.’
He GOT it? Then why the fuck is he here? I’m so confused right now, it’s as if my thoughts are whirling around inside my head like a tornado.
‘I’ve been thinking about it and you’re right,’ he continues. Wait, so he agrees we should split up? Thank God. That’s going to make things a whole lot easier. ‘We have been drifting apart and we’ve been under a lot of stress because of your mum, so it’s given me the kick up the arse I needed.’
“Kick up the arse?” What the hell is he talking about?
‘So…’ He reaches into his pocket and then falls to the floor. No wait, he hasn’t fallen, he’s landed on one knee. No, he isn’t…no. No? No, no, no.
‘Will you marry me, Erica?’
He opens a red velvet box to show a tiny diamond so underwhelming I actually gasp in horror.
I look around to see that everyone in the bar is staring. Everyone including Jack. He looks crestfallen, all colour drained from his face. He turns and leaves, banging the main door shut behind him. Tom gives me a disapproving look before running out after him.
I look down at Karl, grinning up at me in excitement. Can he really be that dumb?
‘Well…’ he beams, seeming completely hopeful, ‘what’s your answer?’
‘Err…no.’
Chapter Fourteen
Monday
Erica
Well what a fucking disaster last night was. After humiliating Karl like that in front of everyone, I had to take him outside and explain to him how I’ve been feeling like this for a long time, and that meant admitting to subconsciously using him through my mum’s chemo. It was awful. I could tell he was angry but being Karl, he told me he understood. He even admitted that he’d been fooling himself thinking that I’d say yes to his proposal, but felt he had to try.
He got a cab straight to the airport to try to get an earlier flight. He could still be there for all I know. Brooke keeps telling me not to worry, that he willingly wasted his money on the off-chance I’d say yes. Doesn’t stop me feeling bad though.
What makes me feel even worse is that I was far more bothered about where Jack ran off to. Knowing he hadn’t got the full story from me had my heart aching. I tried to call him all night but he kept ignoring my calls. I even got Tom’s number from Charlie and tried to call him but it was turned off. I ended up drinking myself silly and trying to break into their hotel room. He clearly wasn’t back yet. Pretty sure he’d have answered the door to a drunken woman trying to beat down his door.
It’s sad to say but I missed Jack last night. So much. The minute I opened my eyes I knew I had to see him. Anyway, now that I’ve had my breakfast I’m ready to speak to him. I need him to see how badly I’ve fallen for him.
Now, today he won’t have a chance to get away from me. We’ve all booked to go on this boat trip around the island to snorkle so I’m going to be stuck with his confrontation. Ugh, I can’t be bothered. See, this is why I’m single. I just can’t be arsed with drama.
I spot him the minute we arrive at reception. Why is it he looks even more beautiful now that I’ve screwed up any chance with him? Damn that tan is working for him.
We get ushered onto the bus. I follow the girls to the back and sit in a seat in the second to the back row, staring out of the window. Anything to stop me from staring at him. I hate that I’m pining like a teenager, but my god, all of this time without him near me has caused my heart to ache. I want his body near me more than I need my next breath.
The seat shifts underneath me. I look around to see Tom has sat next to me, but is turned to chat to the girls behind. That suits me fine. Well, until Jack sits down in front of me.
His being so close is doing something stupid to me. The desperation to clear the air is stronger than any self respect I’m clinging onto. I pat him on the shoulder, forcing him to turn round to face me.
‘So, are you going to talk to me at all for the rest of the holiday?’ I ask, sounding a l
ot more confident than I feel. I can’t help but smile at him, when I should be doing anything but. Damn it, why does he have to be so cute?
‘Dammit, you’re annoying,’ he says back to me with an irritated smile.
‘I have loads to tell you.’ I look around to make sure the others aren’t listening. Luckily Charlie’s entertaining them with some story. ‘Look, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you I was with someone at the start of the holiday, but in my defence, I didn’t think I was going to bump into you after fifteen years.’
He nods, his lips tight. ‘I suppose I can understand that.’
‘But I broke up with him. First by email and then again last night. He gets it now. He’s on his way back home.’
He sighs, his eyes weary. ‘Don’t break up with him because of me, Erica.’
‘Why not?’ I can’t help but ask, like a desperate girl. Does that mean he’s not offering me anything? That this is just a bit of meaningless fun? Which I suppose of course it is. It’s not like I can expect for this to continue into real life when we get home.
‘Because this isn’t going anywhere,’ he shrugs. ‘We both know after this week we have to go back to our own lives and that means living in different postcodes. It would never work.’
Well, yeah, if he has that defeatist attitude and doesn’t even want to try! I mean, is it too much to ask for a guy to fight for me a bit? Karl was jumping on a plane and flying miles across the world just on the off-chance I’d give him another chance. And here Jack is giving up before anything’s even started properly.
‘So, what exactly are you saying?’ I ask, gulping down the unshed tears that are threatening to spill. Why am I so emotional? I knew this wasn’t going to last, so why am I feeling so upset? I suppose I was clinging onto the thought of being with him until we left. The thought of being this close to him but being unable to touch him feels soul destroying.
He rubs the back of his neck. ‘I’m saying that maybe you should rethink his proposal.’
My mouth drops open of its own accord. I can’t believe what he’s saying. That I should marry Karl. What the hell? Why do I feel so shocked and devastated? We’ve never established what we mean to each other while on this holiday. Yes, we shagged, he got pissed off when he thought I was trying it on with other men, but then we agreed to keep it a secret. For all I know he was just happy to have a holiday bunk up buddy. I could have been any girl on this bus. I’m not special to him at all. I’ve been fooling myself this whole time.
But...well, the way he looks at me, like right now, with the look of wonder in his eyes whenever I catch him staring at me. Well, it gives me hope. It’s stupid to have hope, I know. It’s not like we could ever be anything past this holiday, but it doesn’t stop me fantasizing about a happily ever after with him. One where we live in the same place and destiny has finally aligned for us to be together. It’s stupid. I’m being so foolish.
I turn away from him, deciding instead to stare out of the window. Do not cry, Erica, do not cry.
We steal stupid glances at each other the whole way there, blushing and smiling bashfully whenever we’re caught by the other. Now and again Tom tries to include me in the conversation with the girls, but he quickly cops on that I’m not in the mood. I tell him I’m sleepy. That all the partying has done me in. Not the truth, that I’m heartbroken.
When we arrive, a tubby Spaniard man greets us and hands out disclaimers for us to sign. Slightly alarming.
‘Sorry, but why do we have to sign these?’ I ask, fear creeping up my neck and wrapping itself around me. I’ve never actually been on a boat, but I’m assuming these butterflies will calm down as soon as I’m aboard.
‘Just in case,’ he smiles, with a dismissing wave.
‘Yeah, chill out Erica,’ Brooke laughs. ‘We’re hardly going to die. It’s just a boat trip.’
‘I bet that’s what the passengers of the titanic said too,’ Alice adds, hugging herself around the stomach. I must pale because she quickly adds, ‘but I’m sure this is totally safe.’
Scenes from Titanic flash through my mind. Shit, what if it does sink?
‘Are there any sharks around here?’ Molly asks innocently, scratching at her neck.
‘You can’t be serious,’ Evelyn snaps, rising her eyebrows at her.
‘What?’ she giggles. ‘They were in Devon! If they can get to Devon they can get to Luna Island.’
‘No worry,’ the man says with a chuckle. ‘No sharks here. Just beautiful sea to snorkle in.’
I take a look at Molly. We both said last night that we’re not keen on the idea of snorkelling. I mean, I actually have a severe fear of wearing goggles. Don’t ask me why, but the minute I go under the water I somehow panic and think I’m drowning. There’s no rationality behind it. So, imagine me with one of those things in my mouth! I’d probably have a panic attack and be found floating around dead like a mauled turtle.
Everyone starts using the small ledge to climb onto the modest, white boat. Looks safe enough I suppose. There are rows of seats we can sit on or we can just wander round. I choose the seats. At least that way I’ll feel grounded.
‘In just twenty minutes we’ll be at our destination, so sit back, relax and enjoy the scenery,’ the tubby man says cheerfully.
The boats engine starts whirring loudly and then we’re off. I hold on a bit too tightly to the bar in front of me. Damn, I hate not being on land. I’m the same with planes - anything where I’m not in control really. It makes me nervous. Ugh, and this boat is rocking from side to side so deep I feel as if we’re going to fall over the side.
My stomach starts contracting in fear, feeling heavy as lead, and I begin to feel nauseous.
‘Are you okay, babe?’ Alice asks, looking at me worriedly.
‘I feel a bit...’ The motion of going from left to right is making me want to hug the floor. ‘A bit...’
‘Shit,’ Evelyn says, turning and spotting me. ‘Erica, you look fucking green! Are you going to chuck up?’
I hope Jack’s at the other end of the boat with the rest of the guys and didn’t just hear that.
‘I...’ I swallow down some bile that’s attempting to rise from my throat. ‘I think I might.’ I try to calm myself down by taking some deep breaths, but it’s no use. If anything I’m feeling sicker.
‘Oh, gosh almighty,’ Molly squeals. ‘If she gets sick, I’ll get sick!’
Evelyn rolls her eyes. ‘It’s fine. I’ll take her.’
She puts her arm around my waist and helps me up. It’s times like this I love her more than anything. She’s going to make an amazing mum one day.
She guides me towards the side of the boat. It’s hard to even walk on this thing with it throwing us from side to side. I hold onto the rail and look over the side into the ocean. My God, this is making me feel even worse. I collapse down onto my knees, wanting to be close to the floor. When the boat tips this way it feels like I might fall over into the water. Woman overboard! I still think it would feel better than being on this boat. Unless Molly’s right and there are sharks.
I vomit, the velocity taking me by surprise. Evelyn holds my hair back like a best friend should and allows me to chuck my guts up over the side. I throw up until my stomach is empty yet I’m still gagging. Just in time for the boat to slowly stop. An anchor is thrown overboard.
Everyone starts to strip down to their bikinis, the man handing out snorkels at the other end of the boat. There’s no way I’m snorkelling now.
I lay on my back while Alice passes me some wet tissue to put on my forehead.
‘You’ll be okay, hun,’ Evelyn soothes, pushing my hair back off my face.
The sun blasts down on my face, making me feel even sicker. There’s nothing worse than having to sweat like this while you’re vomiting up breakfast.
‘Shit.’ I turn my head slightly to follow the voice and find Jack leaning over me, his shadow shielding me from the relentless rays. ‘What happened?’
I go to
open my mouth, but it’s so dry, I decide not to bother.
‘She’s seasick, obviously,’ Evelyn snaps, rolling her eyes irritably.
He sighs, leaning on one hip. ‘I can see that,’ he snaps back. ‘How long has she been chucking up?’
Why is he pretending he even cares?
‘Over twenty minutes,’ Evelyn answers, without giving him any eye contact.
‘Shit, should we speak to the captain?’
‘And what?’ she practically snarls. ‘Ask him to stop everyone snorkelling so we can bring the one sick passenger back to shore? Or should I tell him when we do get going to go fast? Risk the lives of the rest of us just so we can get there a bit quicker?’
She’s such a sarcastic cow.
He sighs, as if defeated. ‘Whatever. There’s no reason to be such a dick to me.’
Oh God, I could really do without them arguing right now. I don’t have the energy to break them apart.
‘Whatever,’ she snorts, shaking her head as if she’s talking to an intolerable toddler.
‘Why don’t you go off and enjoy the rest of the ride and I’ll look after her,’ he suggests.
Why on earth would he do that? He just told me to marry Karl. He doesn’t give a shit about me.
‘You certainly will not!’ she rebuffs with a cruel laugh.
He scoffs, gritting his teeth. ‘Yes, I will.’
‘Paha! Coming from the guy that left her broken-hearted and crying on my shoulder all those years ago. Call me silly but I’d say I’m better equipped at looking after her than you are.’
Jack looks at me with furrowed brows, hurt radiating from his pores. ‘Erica, are you going to let her talk to me like this?’
I shrug, having no energy to do anything else. ‘Too ill to fight,’ I croak, my throat burning from the attempt.
‘Yeah, just go,’ Evelyn snaps cruelly.
He crouches down, close to my face. His scent is welcome after just smelling vomit for the last twenty minutes.
‘Erica, tell Evelyn that I mean something to you. That I should be allowed to stay and help look after you.’ He strokes the hair off my forehead. It feels heavenly.
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